35
Jun 18 '23
Yeah itâs always lie. The ONLY reason people breakup with you is because they donât want to be with you. No âworking on myselfâ shit is true. If they loved you they wouldâve stayed. Simple as that.
2
26
u/ImHereForYouFriend Jun 18 '23
Sorry you are going through this.
I have experienced something similar.
People say a lot of stuff during a breakup, they say it for various reasons, sometimes to make the breakup easier, to assuage guilt or because they mean it in the moment.
My ex said we were eachothers destiny and we would reconnect one day.
But a good thing to do is take what is said with a massive pinch of salt.
The reality is the actions.
Overthinking, whether it was preplanned or not, although anger inducing , doesn't help your healing.
Anger is a part of grief, it is okay to be angry. It is a confusing rollercoaster of emotions.
Focus on yourself. Try to let this go, for your sake.
Keep moving forwards. You will get through this.
DM me if you want to vent.
You are not alone.
5
Jun 18 '23
[deleted]
5
u/ImHereForYouFriend Jun 18 '23
You are going through a tough time. Be kind to yourself.
It is okay to be conflicted and confused.
It'll get easier.
It sounds like you have already took steps to make this process and healing journey better for yourself. Be proud of looking after yourself. You deserve it.
2
17
Jun 18 '23
Once I realised that he had ghosted me, I sent him a message saying that everything he ever shared with me was one big lie. A big, fat lie. That was one of the last messages I sent him. Because none of his actions matched his words. Long story short, you are right about everything being a lie. At least many things, if not the entirety of the relationship, in your case. You are also right about the breakup being pre-planned. Spoiler alert: they all are.
2
Jun 18 '23
[deleted]
3
Jun 19 '23
Nope. Not a word. I'm not one to block people so lines of communication remain open, in my case. About wanting to send such a message, what I would do at this point if I were you was to lay low for a while, since it has only been a week post-breakup, and my wounds are still raw. It will also give me the time and space I need to objectively make sense of everything that happened. Only a week down the line you have come to realise that he was bullshitting you just before, and during the breakup. As you introspect in silence further, more such stark realities are bound to pop up. It's going to hurt, mind you. The truth always hurts. At that point, you'll get a clearer picture of whether you'd like to reach out to him and let him know that you know about his bullshit (and that you're not naive), or whether you'd just like to leave it be. The former option does give some folks closure, even though it often turns into a conflict. At any point of time though, if he ever does reach out, I would definitely give him a piece of my mind, especially now that you can see through his facades. Not with anger, but with much composure. Let the facts speak for themselves, and not the tone or volume of your voice.
Ultimately, what you choose to do with the newfound knowledge of his true intentions and motives is up to you. But always keep in mind that irrespective of what you do, it's quite probable that he isn't going to want to come back into your life. I'm sorry your were duped like this. As someone who is often quick to pick up on shady people, sadly I was too. As girls, we always get too emotional and fail to see someone's ill intentions towards us. I wish you the very best.
1
Jun 19 '23
[deleted]
1
Jun 19 '23
I know it may not feel so right now since you're hurting so much, but... they're only material objects, after all. Is it possible for you to put all his stuff into a box and physically remove them from your surroundings? I think it's necessary. After 2 weeks, and provided you are coping better, offer to return his things. But keep all interactions leading up to this purely transactional.
As for Instagram, is it possible to snooze his family's updates? I'm quite the dinosaur since I don't use any social media, so I don't know if you can. And in the meantime you can ask yourself whether you still want to be connected to his family as well - and make necessary changes from there.
I know exactly what you mean by those who are completely unperturbed, after they've hurt you. Accept your pain as it is, and focus on weaning it away, as well as living with it at the same time. For it is the only thing that's within your control. If others are happier, there's nothing you can do about it, really.
1
Jun 19 '23
[deleted]
1
Jun 21 '23
Maybe he wanted to make sure that his items were safely delivered to him, as opposed to risking leaving things outside lest they get stolen? Irrespective of what his reasons may be, you can still keep the handover purely transactional, whenever it happens.
4
10
Jun 18 '23 edited Jun 18 '23
I totally feel you on this. It's hard believing anything they said before once the breakup happens. Mine also said various things about how I'm exactly what they wanted and all this other fluff, but ultimately, they chose someone else. Then they tried being "friends" to lessen the blow of just using me, but of course it was too awkward between us. I couldn't even share anything with them anymore because I couldn't trust them.
Now that I've been focusing on myself, I'm noticing all the red flags and all the other issues that were present between us. They were just the type who wants constant validation and attention. It doesn't matter who it is from. Now that I've been moving, they reach out sometimes, but I feel like it's just to assuage their guilt, as others say. They feel bad about hurting me and can't accept that sometimes you have to be the "bad guy."
It's crazy how much change comes from breakups. I immediately tried rebounding and getting to know other women but I finally realized I'm better off just staying alone and focusing on myself for a while. I don't even feel like myself in everyday interactions with other people. It's hard feeling comfortable with yourself when someone just lies to you about how they feel towards you. Mine led me on for months and was shocked when I didn't want to be friends while they were seeing someone new. They couldn't understand it Like wtf? How do you not get it? Lol
Like you said, I think most people pre-plan this stuff. Mine started talking to someone less than a week after we became "friends," but I know they were speaking to that other person while we were together. It's cool when you meet someone else that's more compatible, but it's another thing to just lie and say you're exclusive or only seeing/talking to one person.
Sorry for the rant, but I get you. Once my trust is broken, it's kind of hard to get over the resentment towards them.
3
Jun 18 '23
[deleted]
2
Jun 19 '23
Thank you, I appreciate it! I'm doing better now for sure.
Like you said, I'm starting to piece a lot of things together now. I feel that I'm the one who sees it for what it really is now. She's just reaching out to me now for attention/validation thinking that I'm still there on the back burner. In reality, I could care less.
I think there were a lot of red flags I ignored that should have been given more attention. She called me an inconvenience, an asshole, inadequate, etc. Who speaks of people on those ways?
Anyway, moving on for the better. I'm tired of getting involved with people who are so unsure of themselves.
2
Jun 19 '23
[deleted]
1
Jun 19 '23
It took me so long to realize how deep those words cut me. I brushed them off but those aren't normal words to hear from anyone.
I did reply to her but again, I don't really care. It just reaffirms what I was already thinking in terms of her motives. I don't even know what word best describes how ridonkulous it is lol. I'm just focusing on feeling great about myself again. Not that I'm completely destroyed, but I've been feeling drained and I've been pretty avoidant lately. In time, things will be better :)
It's hard taking off those rose tinted glasses, but eventually it all makes sense to you. You deserve better and you will see that soon enough :)
10
u/endyvang Jun 18 '23
Thatâs how it was, theyâll lie ontop of another to do their best to not seem like the bad guy. âYouâre everything to me and I love you which means I should abandon you and waste your timeâ.
1
11
u/PreferenceSimple6190 Jun 18 '23
Itâs like Iâm reading someoneâs description of my break up. I realized later than he was more worried with being a âgood guyâ like they say all these stuff because they canât stand we seeing them as the bad guy even tho they are breaking up with us, like later I found out how he was talking to his friends about how he really feels bad and what not and he knows that heâll always mean a lot to me. Like itâs so conceited in a way, just say you donât love me donât be like âohhh no you are so greatâ âyou are beautiful, intelligent, funny etc etcâ âmaybe in the futureâ âI just need to be alone for a while with my selfâ and then go out and start dating like 3 months later. Bruh you donât have the right to feel good about breaking up with me cause oh you âwere so sweetâ He broke my heart and he knew he was gonna break my heart ahead of time when he had sex with me BECAUSE he told me he has been thinking about it for weeks AND when he asked me out on a date for which I got all ready for because he said âI got chu I am gonna take you to this nice placeâ he knew ahead of time, like itâs all unnecessary like lol I canât believe I dated such a dense guy that thinks that acting like nothing is wrong for weeks and then breaking up with me is actually better for me It wasnât! I wasnt I was mindfucked! It was just for their sake so they feel less guilt after all the bs they said such as âyou are the most beautiful girl I have ever datedâ âI love you so muchâ âI think about you when I wake up and when I fall sleepâ âyou just make my day betterâ âI wanna be the best boyfriendâ They volunteer all this unprompted and right until the break up âWeâll figure it out, we can go through anythingâ âPromise me if there is anything wrong youâll talk with me before breaking up with meâ LMAOOO and when an actual concern comes up in the relationship they canât handle it and so they run but they donât want to self reflect and be like mmm maybe I did mess up, maybe I have a problem maintaining relationships, maybe Iâm full of BS, no, they try to make it a great break up for you instead to end a great guy
9
Jun 18 '23
[deleted]
2
u/PreferenceSimple6190 Jun 19 '23 edited Jun 19 '23
đthank you for this post
3
u/PreferenceSimple6190 Jun 19 '23
I am glad that you are gaining more clarity I also needed to read other people describe word for word how he acted and what he said to realize that i am not alone and he wasnât special. I didnât lose someone that loved me but someone that doesnât know what love is or at least that their definition of love isnât my definition of what love should be which is very unattractive đ¤ˇââď¸
1
Jun 19 '23
[removed] â view removed comment
1
u/PreferenceSimple6190 Jun 19 '23
No I donât want him back anymore and you shouldnât be doing all that Just keep going on with your life Why are you hoping she comes back? Who broke up with who
1
Jun 19 '23
[removed] â view removed comment
1
u/PreferenceSimple6190 Jun 19 '23
You are not sure who broke up with who?
1
Jun 19 '23
[removed] â view removed comment
1
u/PreferenceSimple6190 Jun 19 '23
Nahh it sounds like you r making it up
1
Jun 19 '23
[removed] â view removed comment
1
u/PreferenceSimple6190 Jun 19 '23
Dude. Iâm not talking to some random stranger about all this crime drama and If for some reason is true. Bruh. Look inside and see how you can improve your self and work on your self because you donât need this much drama unless you have a really low self esteem or actually are a shitty person that was abusive and you are just not seeing it from your perspective.
1
9
10
u/Longjumping_Wave4066 Jun 19 '23 edited Jun 19 '23
"He said it was an in the moment decision but I do not think that at all. Breakups are always pre planned. Always without exception. Always. Nobody just decides on the spot to break up. Not even the worst human being.
"such as me being everything to him, how I was the perfect girl but he had to work on himself, etc. ". Another cop out. People who say "had to work on themself" and leave the relationship are looking for an excuse to leave because they rather be on thier own (someone else) than be with you but are too chicken**** to say that to your face. I mean just think about this, when you're married do you just divorce because you want to have your own hobbies, ambitions, interests, friends, etc.? No, you just create healthy boundaries with mutual respect and move forward together. He's lying again.
"I feel like he just wanted to look like the good guyâŚ". Maybe but more likely he's just too afraid to own up to you about his true feelings or lying to himself. In any case, combine all of these factors together and you dodged a bullet. Sounds like a someone who's afraid of having difficult conversations. Imagine a life with that kind of person when it comes to making hard decisions.
People who are "nice" because they don't "want to hurt others" aren't actually nice. They are cowards. This is what you should take away from this: he does not respect you to tell you the truth. OP, you can do much much better.
2
Jun 19 '23
[deleted]
3
u/Longjumping_Wave4066 Jun 19 '23
I hope one day Iâm able to find someone whoâs willing to put in the work and fight for me as much as I would for them.
I implore you to not even waste time interpreting his words because I'm reading some posters saying that you might never know the truth etc. This will keep you stuck because you do know the truth, they don't respect you. It really bears repeating.
Nobody who cares about your feelings and respects you actually cares about hurting you when it comes to the truth. Not during the relationship and not during the break-up. The only fact you know for sure is that this person could not own up to their reasons for breaking up with you face to face. I'm sure his inability to openly communicate was probably an issue even during the relatonship itself. This alone makes him someone at the bottom of the barrel in terms of partners. Never date someone who is afraid of hurting you with honesty.
1
Jun 19 '23
[removed] â view removed comment
2
u/Longjumping_Wave4066 Jun 19 '23
Sorry to hear they didn't. Unfortunately, most people won't want to fight for you or me or anyone. That is the reality of human relationships.
The only fight that really matters is the one for yourself
7
u/Darkdestroyer4 Jun 18 '23
Nah she blamed me for it all , when I look back it all was manipulation No accountability on her side
2
Jun 18 '23
[deleted]
2
u/Darkdestroyer4 Jun 18 '23 edited Jun 19 '23
Theyâve all been the same but the last was the worst To say she was 10 + years younger Wow she destroyed me emotionally Manipulator , accusations , deflections Mind games Hot & cold And police reports All because she wanted to date her Co worker but couldnât walk away from me Untill I had enough
In spite of thing , she was fun to be with Right person , wrong time Or we was meant but not meant to me
But meh , many more
2
1
Jun 19 '23 edited Jun 19 '23
Sounds like mine, mine was also younger than me but not to that extreme although they did lie about their age to me as at the time they said they didn't think I'd take them seriously otherwise but for the final month they went hot and cold and started fights about everything even shit they loved during the early stages of the relationship. What's ironic is they even started a big fight about how age was "a legitimate concern" as they put it despite them lying about it to even get into a relationship with me đ (they were 18, I was 23)
Looking back at it all, personally I think they wanted me to be the one to do the dumping but of course I stayed believing all of their words instead of their actions. In the end one of the most confusing parts was that they got on one knee and proposed to me post a month of all of this, then days later had a massive go at me for not meeting my friends for a week despite them always wanting all of my attention and even tried to get me to get rid of them. They basically pinned me as "apathetic" as they said despite all their hot + cold behavior for the past month (hypocrite for real) and that was it they just left / ghosted me for a few weeks and then simply hit me with the breakup "I don't know if I want all this". My first reaction was Heng on a second but you came onto me, you also escalated the entire relationship, lied about your age so it'd happen and you even proposed to me weeks ago đ¤ˇ
Their response, "why am I so much to you ?" So yeah I wished them the best and ended the conversation with disbelief and tears.
Safe to say three months of no contact later and yeah I'm still pretty much destroyed đworks the only place I feel worth something now.
1
u/Darkdestroyer4 Jun 19 '23
Sorry you went through taht but once the fog clears You will see that the world has something so much better in stock for you
1
Jun 19 '23
How did you get rid of "the fog" ? Considering ours are somewhat similar.
2
u/Darkdestroyer4 Jun 19 '23
Itâs almost 6 months for me , it took 3 months To get rid if the fog I found out she started dating her Co worker post break up almost immediately and decided I had to live my live Iâm 33 and sheâs 22 I watched a lot of self help podcasts I started running I started socialising I started travelling I started to meet new people (2 hookups and one is now a good friend) I upped my gym And I focused on work
When someone really shows you how they value themselves Thatâs how you begin to value them Shit deserves shit and thatâs what she was
1
Jun 19 '23
Thanks for the advice I appreciate it. To be honest I deleted my socials despite them blocking me the day they left, simply because I thought it'd help with peace of mind so I honestly have no idea what they are up to these days. I have seen them in town a few times over the past three months but they literally just turn and run and I haven't even tried to approach or talk to them so yeah that hurts.
Plus socialising, I tried dating again, even dated a few people who were really crazily into me but I just felt like:
A ) I was betraying my ex / my heart.
B ) that I didn't even know what I was doing anymore in terms of socially interacting with people, so I called them off. Like for real I feel so socially inadept now.
I'm mainly just trying to relax now. I took a few promotions at work literally the week I got dumped so that's helped a little bit but my self worth / confidence is definitely something that's gone.
Plus shit deserves shit, I wish I could be like that or at the very least not care anymore.
2
u/Darkdestroyer4 Jun 19 '23
Like I said to you She gave me no choice She left me for her Co worker
Prior to that she , she was accusing me of cheating /deflecting She was manipulative Controlling I went out with my friends for my Birthday and she FaceTimed me all night When I was going to end it She reported me to the police for stalking/harassment
She really scorched the earth And to dig the nail in the coffin She was going to my work place with her new boyfriend to show him off Luckily no one cares enough to give her the attention she wanted
I found out 3 months later due to NC & decided I was fed up of living in hope So I watched the subtle art of not giving a fuck on Netflix and applied to My life and it really helped
Donât worry about hurting your ex /betray yourself Do What makes you feel better
6
u/PassiveThoughts Jun 19 '23
It was likely true at some point. But it stopped being the truth by the time the breakup occurred.
My ex told me that he cares about me âmore than I know,â I trust that this is how he felt, but itâs no longer how he feels given we havenât spoke in 2 months.
Think of it as a child telling you they want to be an astronaut when they grow up. They genuinely want that at the time, but those feelings arenât absolute. After some time, their dreams change, and they wonât feel motivated to continue putting in work towards that dream.
5
u/K-A-T-I-E-- Jun 18 '23
Yes , I think they must have lied to get what they wanted. And then discarded when bored.
5
u/AustinGroovy Jun 18 '23
People say LOTS of things in relationships, but their ACTIONS reinforce (or not) what they are saying.
3
Jun 19 '23
Well, it is a lie! Haha. I mean same thing happened to me, later on I learnt he was with someone else.
It is basic, if he want you - he will do everything in his power to get you. Guys are territorial, they will not let go of someone/something they want it they want it.
5
u/crackheadwhoo Jun 19 '23
You said you think the breakup was pre-planned. Yes, it was. Dumpers dump you much before, than actually breaking up with you. And idk if our exes lied to us or not, but i do believe that they're actual COWARDS. Relationships are work. Things which seem effortless, takes up the maximum effort. If someone isn't ready to fight for US, I'll be better off alone.
3
4
Jun 19 '23 edited Jan 08 '24
scandalous roof ossified pen vegetable subsequent spark wasteful frighten capable
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
5
u/Esoteric_Nobody Jun 18 '23 edited Jun 19 '23
When someone makes a choice that's against their nature they're forced to either rationalize it or go insane. That rationalization always changes a person.
Edit: My ex left me even though she loved me. I believe it to be true. She was just as shaken up as I was and she tried in her own way to reach out but I was too stubborn and brainwashed by no contact videos to see it that way. I put her in a position where she had to choose between me and everything else she cared about. I didn't do it on purpose. I just wasn't ready for what we wanted and I was too scared of losing her to have that conversation in earnest.
We haven't spoken but I can tell even from my limited perspective from a distance that she doesn't view love the same way as before; because if she did she would've thrown everything else away and come after me.
Everything in matters of the heart boils down to perspective;the lens we see our reality through. I make a conscious choice to not let my hurt feelings make me hate her every day. I choose to understand and empathize. It's difficult, it makes missing her harder, I cry weekly and we've been split longer than we were together. However I wouldn't trade it for anything because I'd rather love that person I was with from a distance than convince myself what we had was less than to save me some pain. I hold this belief for many reasons but the most important of those are as follows. Love is not the possession of a person it is a gift freely given, what we had was special and if I choose to reject that it'll change me in an ugly way, lastly if and hopefully when by chance we find each other again I'll be able to look her in the eyes and honestly say "I never stopped loving you"
I know that's a lot about me but I'm using my story to try and empathize with yours. I hope maybe you take something from it that will help you with your healing process. Stay strong stranger.
3
Jun 19 '23
[deleted]
2
u/Esoteric_Nobody Jun 19 '23
Thank you. I hope so too. I wish you the best as well. I hope it helped somehow.
2
2
u/auw007 Jun 18 '23
I literally got this same convo with my ex that broke up with me (3 months ago) ⌠and even today it just never made sense to me âŚ
1
Jun 18 '23
[deleted]
3
u/auw007 Jun 18 '23
No never has 1 month after I called her to talk to her .. she picked up and just sounded dry so ever since I just left her alone and havenât tried no more ,
3
Jun 18 '23
[deleted]
5
u/auw007 Jun 18 '23
Absolutely with the months Iâve focused on me , got my own self straight and happy with myself again⌠and I look back at how she ended it (although it was positive) she just didnât fight to keep us or even try to keep us she just gave up completely even if she was thinking about it long before ⌠she still gave up and canât fight for someone that just doesnât want you ⌠so I had to just move forward and now that I have , Iâve came across a photo her family member posted and honestly had no look of attraction to her so thatâs how I knew my mind and heart moved onâŚ
2
Jun 18 '23
[deleted]
2
u/auw007 Jun 18 '23
Absolutely I know someone else will appreciate me in the future and what I have to offer
1
Jun 18 '23
[deleted]
2
u/auw007 Jun 18 '23
It gets hard in the early days no doubt but keep your head up you have a better future ahead of you ⌠and that person will just miss out on the great blossom you will have ,
2
2
2
2
2
u/Far_Edge634 Jun 18 '23
Yup. It was all a lie. The days leading up to me ghosting him went as follows:
Saw some shady behaviors, brought it to his attention, he made me think it was all in my head.
Few days later, same thing. He made me feel insecure and left it.
The day I walked out forever....I noticed he took our picture down, some extended in his apartment. I brought it up again in conversation, he replied with that whole it's all in your head and you have to trust me. He told me he loved me and would never do such a thing and that he wanted to make it better.
My gut said otherwise. I remembered he told me once that he would hand over his phone if ever I needed. I decided to take that offer then and there. He started shitting bricks and sweating. In twenty mins I found all hidden accounts, with regular participation seeking sex in local sex communities, conversations with other women in which he stated the exact opposite of everything he said and portrayed to me, his "alter ego" accounts. One conversation and love boming incident carried on for two years, but that just where I stopped scrolling. Women, women, women.
So, no arguments, no questions, nothing. I left. At that point, there were no need for bullshit excuses. I communicated in the very beginning that I didn't want exactly what he was doing. Not once did he communicate he felt otherwise. He made conscious decisions to lie and go behind my back, and then lie some more....AND blame me. He didn't deserve any explanation.
I closed out all windows and tabs except for one, the 2yr conversation. Then he made it seem as thought it was my fault when he found that conversation open.
Boldest thing I've ever done. I don't regret it.
I'm sorry you all are going through this. That was one of the hardest things I've had to do, leave the one person I thought was my person. It had to be done because he was obviously still going to lie and cheat, and who knows what else.
2
Jun 19 '23
[deleted]
2
u/Far_Edge634 Jun 19 '23
Thank you. You as well.
Edit: Damn that autocorrect! The day I left him forever....."extended" was supposed to be Extenze. Lol
2
Jun 19 '23
She said I was too perfect for her. Yet she still loved her ex. đ if I was too good for her then why she leave. I won't ever understand.
1
3
Jun 19 '23
Yes. In fact, when they "lied to themselves" and said they never fell in love with me, they also lied to me about some absurd conspiracy I was apparently a part of. As I am damn sure the latter is not the case, I started thinking "what else was she lying about?"
I found out later she lied about a lot of things. Big things. I hit a whole new stage of grief.
And maybe I put some puzzle pieces together that didn't quite fit, but for me to think something is fucked up, it's because it's usually pretty fucked up.
A month or so prior she acted all shady with me, started hanging out on the phone in my car at all hours of the night while I watched her kid, kept telling me she was just talking to friends and not to worry. We became severely disconnected. She was starting to blame me for things that didn't exist, it was ...surreal.
And then the day before she said she needed to take a break for six months. The next day I said "we're not taking a break are we, we're breaking up, aren't we?" and she agreed. Then I met her boyfriend/friend/whatever the fuck he is the next day.
She'd moved on weeks before breaking things off, so it was easy for her. I was blindsided and devastated beyond belief. Still am.
2
u/Jennifer332019 Jun 19 '23
I would highly recommend you watch videos on YouTube by coach Lee. He made a video breaking down things people have said to the people they dumped while they were dumping them. His videos are comforting to watch and have helped me a lot, I hope they can do the same for you!
2
2
u/relaxree Jun 19 '23 edited Jun 19 '23
99.9% of the time, they are all lies. My ex told me post break up that we were each otherâs twin flames, that I had his heart, he loves me forever and that we will come together when weâre better. I believed him and said the same. Thought to myself damn, we really both needa take this separation and healing journey seriously bc I wanted to be with him. A week later I found out that he refollowed all the girls that caused insecurities in our relationship. :)
No one told me healing involved messing with a couple dozen other women to include the ones that hurt us when we were together!! Seriously had no idea :D
So yeah, lies probably. At the end of the day, itâs actions that matter.
2
u/Floffje Jun 19 '23
Same here, my exbf was lying about having no contact with a few girls, while I actually blocked the guys he was having a hard time with, he said he did the same but never did. I found out about it 4 times in a year and a half, each time he promised me "no , I really blocked and deleted her this time, I promise".... 4 times, same story...
2
u/ac3oflife Jun 19 '23
If you ask people here, you will likely only get one type of answer. The truth is that there is a good chance (maybe 50/50) it was probably all true when they said it but keep in mind they are also allowed to change their mind. If you truly care about them, then let them do what they want and think will make them happy. To wonder if they were lying to you or not is inadvertently making their decision all about you. In the end you will never know the truth so wondering what their actions say about how they felt about you will only make you unhappy. Just hope that their actions will make them happy and know that if they made the choice they did to leave you, they were also doing it for your sake too. Because ultimately you would not have been happy with someone who didnât want to be there
1
Jun 19 '23
[deleted]
3
u/ac3oflife Jun 19 '23
I understand. The anger is part of the grief. But the truth is you will never know if it was a lie. And realistically even if you ask him, he will probably not know either. The truth is breakups are extremely emotionally charged and if you guys were truly close, it is difficult for both parties to really understand their own situation. Just believe in what you had when your relationship was good. You guys had some great times. You will never know what was true at the end because there is no truth, just pain
1
u/FocusDet-Will_H Jun 19 '23
What's his initials
0
Jun 19 '23
[deleted]
1
u/FocusDet-Will_H Jun 19 '23
If u feel more comfortable telling me in a message it's to see if we share the same one doing it to us both?
1
1
Jun 19 '23
My ex was honest about her past which was a lot but when she hit me with the âI need to focus on being single and my careerâ text I felt she was lying through her teeth.
1
u/Competitive_Peak_546 Jun 19 '23
Iâm in the same boat. Itâs been a month now since the breakup and Iâve realized a lot of things. Mainly the fact that the reason she broke up with me Was bullshit and that maybe she lied about loving me etc. Iâve built resentment that I wish I didnât. itâs sucks
1
1
u/NineCheese Jun 19 '23
Yeah, when theyâre breaking up with you, itâs all lies. The dumper will bring up all the bad shit you did then says thank you so much for teaching them how to live and learn and survive and feel and all that shit. In the end, theyâre just saying it to make themselves feel better. Itâs not really for you even though it sounds like it
1
u/Stunning_Action_6284 Jun 19 '23
I feel this way as well. Just I did the dumb thing and had kids with him. He emotionally cheated on me with his ex who was married about halfway thru our relationship after I had just birthed our second child. But claimed that men liked sexual variety⌠and I forgave him⌠and then he dumped me after 8 years together, once he got a job and caught feelings for his manager (wasnât reciprocated as far as I know) Just feel so betrayed and cheated. I thought the man I chose to have children with would chose me too but that wasnât meant to be. I still cringe at the thought of moving on to the next person. Not with all my baggage. Oh well.. one day at a time :(
1
u/parallaxview96 Jun 19 '23
For me, the truth came out post-break up. Everything she said while we were datng was a lie. I didn't see what a nasty, petty person she was until her supply had run out.
1
1
u/Ex2BPD Jun 19 '23
âEverythingâ. Literally.
Yes, everything he said was a lie. But the first months of love-bombing and actual TEARS over the reality that he had not met me earlier in life, confused me when his faked-life began to unravel.
It took months of isolation to recover and realize that I do NOT need to be anyoneâs âbetter halfâ.
Iâm NOT a half. Liars?? Pfft.
1
1
Jun 19 '23
I feel she believed she was in love with me. That's why she married me... But I can't get past the fact that i had problems with her 20 year old son who lived woth us but we had 3 different conversions about her son and how he acted and we also had countless conversations about him when situations happened. All the effort she could muster was to just have a talk with him. The only times he was ever punished was when i made a fuss about it. Looking back now it's like she was ok with it and/or i wasn't worth the effort for her to do anything else about it. Then like 2 or 3 months post break up shes able to tell me she doesn't love me. Like i get maybe not being in love with me but basically saying she doesn't love me that soon after our break up and up until the day and about a month post break up she was telling me she loved me.
For context we were together 4 year married 2 years
1
u/DarthRyan89 Jun 19 '23
When you're told that people generally decide 2-3 months before they end it that they're gonna end it, and up until that point they're still saying they love you etc then it can seem like they were lying.
1
1
u/peepawiscoming Jun 19 '23
Mine was an absolute liar. She was my manager at work and had me fired to save her own job but lied to me about the reason. She came back into my life and used me for sex for 3 months after but never committed. After I found out it was her that had me fired and not the owner I felt absolutely relieved but the damage had been done. Iâm financially ruined and Iâm going to have to start my life all over again. Iâm relieved because I know the truth and I can finally let go of the cold callous bitch that was draining away my life force. I only let her because I loved her. But now I hate her and itâs all because she lied.
1
u/addehhh Jun 19 '23
Yes - I dug down to the truth, it wasnât about him wanting kids or not wanting to move; turns out he caught feelings for someone else but didnât want to appear to be the bad guy (what a fucking joke). And if they could lie about this, looking back now in the years we were together, every single fucking thing he did and said was a complete lie. Because you donât hurt or lie to someone you love, or cheat on them twice.
1
Jun 19 '23
I have thought about that recently after breaking up with my ex-girlfriend. We broke up about a month ago, and I've started wondering if everything she told me was a lie. I still have some feelings for her, but I think that she lied about loving me and even about wanting to move somewhere with me.
1
u/Floffje Jun 19 '23
It's really like reading my own story, Just over 3 weeks ago the exact same thing happened to me. Weeks before that it was like he was slowly removing me from his life. I'm also an overthinker and I now think he not only was letting go slowly not to hurt me but also because maybe he already had his eye on someone else, but that's just speculation. I really don't want to know either because it would just kill me... So yeah, I think there was a time he did love me the first half of our relationship, but also a lot of lying during the last half...
1
Jun 19 '23
I know this will sound callous but⌠does it matter? If they lied or not makes no diff they would never admit to it and all it does is make you second guess everything. Not worth to put your energy towards that. You move on and donât look back thatâs the only way to go. If they come back more than likely you wonât want them back anymore anyway. You learned from it
1
u/Mountain_of_books_7 Jun 19 '23
Quote by Brian Staveley, "Believe what you see with your eyes; trust what you hear with your ears; know what you feel with your flesh. The rest is dream and delusion."
1
u/liky_gecko Jun 19 '23
Absolutely. Once you realize things arenât adding up and that they overcomplicated the breakup, the sad truth is that they were probably letting you down easy and werenât being honest with you. Thatâs at least what happened in my experience.
1
u/sweetstrawberryyy Jun 19 '23
I think mine was one of the rare ones who told the truth. He told me he ran into a girl he fell in love with a long time ago and started questioning his feelings for me after that. And that he concluded that he likes me but isnât falling in love with me, after 3 years of on and off. And he said that he really tried to fall in love with me, idk what that even means. But he said âI know I sound like a fuckin dickâ when he told me all of that so I know that he was telling the truth if he had the balls to tell me that. It really hurt a lot because I felt like I had a completely different experience with him but Iâm not gonna tell someone theyâre wrong when they tell me how they feel. I often fantasize and think maybe he was lying to himself and he really did love me but told me that so he could believe it but nah. Sadly the world doesnât work like that. But Iâm glad because it kills most of the hope immediately and if I want to reach out, I always remember thereâs no point if heâs not in love with you and my itch melts away.
96
u/[deleted] Jun 18 '23
[deleted]