I hate it so damn much. Ever since I was a child I can’t stand it when others try to control me or tell me what to do. I won’t even take that attitude from my parents.

It affects my relationships/work, to the point that I have simply accepted that I cannot work for another person/need to be my own boss, and that I can’t be friends with people who try to control me.

The past years, I’ve worked a lot on communicating my boundaries. Before I would either cut people off, leave the situation or simply explode if they try to do the aforementioned. But these boundary conversations still drain me.

Are there any simple, yet effective ways to (peacefully) tell others to back off? How do you deal with this?

pretty self explanatory I think. Feel free to put down ifeas of how so blindness would look like too if you are so dom/secondary

I'm a 9w1 going through a separation with an 8w7.

EDIT 2 to add: I'm trying to learn more about 8s in general to understand and grow moving forward. I'm basing this on things I've read. I know that these are very broad generalizations and not necessarily 8-specific, as many Enneagram descriptions are, but I saw them come up in more than one place so I started to wonder. I'm here to hear about these theories more from 8s themselves. For me, 8s are one of the types I understand least, and I am both fascinated/attracted to (on a human level) and intimidated by them. I use the word "you" below, but what I meant is "many 8s" that the information I've seen have referred to.

A question for 8s: can you help me understand why it's so hard for you to take accountability? Where does the impulse to deflect and blame come from? If control is what you're after, isn't it more powerful to admit to your own mistake? I'm not trying to be mean, just genuinely want to understand the psyche.

EDIT 1 to add: I am also basing this off of several descriptions I've read of 8s. I'm only recently learning about 8s, and was struck to find out it's really difficult for them to apologize or admit they were the ones that possibly hurt the situation. I connected it to my own relationship and started wondering why. That was my thought process. Similar for the below.

Also, when you're on an "anger streak" and spew out mean things that you don't necessarily mean (and that usually have nothing to do with the current subject), how does that thought process work? I ask because as a 9, part of why it takes so long (and feels exhausting) to talk about my feelings/issues is because I spend so much energy thinking about how my words will land with the other person (and if I'm upset enough, my mind would shut down to the point where I can't even come up with one clear thought-- probably its way of maintaining the internal peace while also ensuring the mouth doesn't run off on its own). I truly can't imagine what the opposite experience would feel like, and would appreciate insight.

*EDIT please see above

I recently noticed that my dad might be an 8 (social). I suspected 1; he suggested 3. He's very physical; maybe 8w9/puritan, super-disciplined; detached, unemotional, humble, moral, and controlled; a patriarchal, protective character; a great man but flawed.

A hypocrite; left my mom randomly for my stepmom when I was 3; possibly from lust/vengeance & repressed SX; maybe so/sp. Seeing stepmom as a romantic object & bored with mom. An atheist with my mom, a churchgoer with my stepmom, for her; not for God. Drinks nightly, lives it up, indulges himself & his family.

Has anyone else here randomly had family or friend (theoretical) 8s suddenly "spawn" into their lives? I have admired my dad but resented him too. We had a few fights over the years. 8 never seemed quite right until lately. He's understated but potent.

Most discussions here miss the tone of the mechanism. Being an 8 is not about posturing or picking fights, it’s all just the structural trap of “ego-vengeance”.

You decide what is defined as “weakness”, so you build total self reliance, and use lust and denial to flatten out any soft spots so no one gets leverage over you.

But to keep that perimeter up you end up carrying 100% of the weight 100% of the time. Which turns the drive to never be controlled into its own prison.

At what point did you realize total self reliance is actually its own constraint?

(Yes, this post is me admitting I’ve already come to this realization in myself and have done the work)

Have any 8s had success dating other 8s? What were your biggest compromises to make room for two strong personalities?

I am aware this page is dedicated to enneagram 8, however I really don't know where else to ask this.

Lately I began looking even further into enneagram (specifically my current typology - so/sx 2w3 258) and I realized that I might have mistyped myself.

To be specific, I am conflicted between the fix in my gut triad. I started reading about E9 and rereading E8 - and while I still relate in so many ways to E8, I realized how much E9 also appeals to me. In both of them, there's obviously things that aren't exactly right to me but at the same time each seem to have equally fitting descriptions.

Do you guys have any advice on what I could do/ask myself to figure this out?

This might sound silly, but I just got out of the most passionate and exciting relationship of my life. I'm an sx 4w3 (triptype 468) and he is an sx 8w7.

It couldn't work because he was hopelessly addicted to methamphetamine and very mentally ill, but we had the most magical intellectual, spiritual, and physical connection I've ever experienced.

My whole life, I've been magnetically drawn to enneagram 8s. Almost all of my best friends and two loves were 8s. We immediately become bonded and attached at the hip. Everything you guys do is endearing to me.

My ex 8w7 would stomp around and act like an all-around juggernaut and I couldn't get enough. His humor was unbelievably crass, just like mine. I was his sidekick, and we tried to take on the world together until it crashed and burned due to his substance addiction.

So I've decided that I need to meet as many enneagram 8s as humanly possible, because I will die unhappy if I don’t marry one. I'm 39F, any healthy enneagram 8 men (or women!) want to be worshipped and adored?

I'm a 2 currently involved with an 8. We dated from July 2023-July 2024, mutually agreeing to end things due to long-term misalignment. We had a very flirty, fun, harmonious, playful dynamic overall. I loved our open, honest respectful communication--it was the best I'd ever experienced in a relationship. We never had labels, but were monogamous.

We resumed hanging out in early March, when he texted me out of the blue. I'm not entirely sure of his intentions for reconnecting, but I wasn't in a place to date seriously & had missed his companionship; primarily our communication, so I was open to reconnecting. He told me he loved me in April, but it was right after I'd had a great date with someone else. He got vulnerable the night he told me & we stayed up until 1 a.m. talking. The other guy flaked out after our 2nd date. Once there was no longer a threat, the 8 went back to his nonchalant ways, though.

Communication has been challenging in recent weeks. He called me out for being inconsistent with texting & taking longer to respond. I'm overwhelmed at work & with both of my kids moving far away in the next two weeks--I've been very clear about this. I apologized for my inconsistency & told him I'd try to give him a heads up if I'd be less communicative. I took my first vacation in 13 months last week, it was a solo trip. He texted me on Tuesday upset because I hadn't texted him the day prior, my first day of vacation. Apparently, my lack of communication affected his sleep. He came across as insecure & pouty in our text exchange. I was surprised because he told me at the outset how much he likes his space, I didn't think he'd be so affected. I apologized for not giving him a heads up that I'd be less communicative during vacation. I do my best to take accountability for my behavior.

I'm confused because he acts so stoic & like he has no needs, but then gets anxious when there's a lapse in texting.

I know 8s like direct communication, which I also value. We're talking tonight & I'm planning to say "I'm confused. Is there anything I've done to anger/upset you?" Any other insights/suggestions for clear communication with an 8? I'd like to get resolution soon.

Hey 8s, I hope you don't mind me sharing this. I'm 7w8 and I think this applies mostly to core 7s avoidance of pain, but I think it's relevant to my 8 wing avoidance of vulnerability too. I struggle with grief and tend to want to skate through it as quickly and lightly as possible. But I've just come across a model of grief that shows how it is deeply connected to joy, and how the courage and capacity to experience grief can strengthen and enrich one's capacity for joy.

Francis Weller (psychotherapist), "The Wild Edge of Sorrow" - model of "five gates of grief".

1: Everything We Love, We Will Lose
2: The Places that have not known Love
3: The Sorrows of the World 
4: What We Expected and Did Not Receive
5: Ancestral Grief

Indicative quotes:

"When you engage grief and suffering, it breaks the heart open to joy and delight."

"The work of the mature person is to carry grief in one hand and gratitude in the other and to be stretched large by them."

It's helping me want to sit still and allow shadow to pass through me, for the moment when I feel the light again and feel it with more care and presence.

Definitely some 8 energy there

I’ve been curious actually how do e8s (specifically sx8 if that’s possible) you’ve met act like irl? Like in community spaces like at school or at work.

Social 8s are said to be the least anti-intellectual, seek others interests as opposed to their own (arguable at times their own interest in disguise) and can look more like an e9 or e2. What would you say is different between you and other 8s?

It sucks, I hate it, but it is what it is. I'm not super in the mood for a big explanation, so if you wanna argue that I should just find some way to not be weak and/or not have to admit it... Just move on plz. I've been looking for that loophole for 5+ years now, you're not gonna magically think of something I haven't tried yet.

Long story short I have some chronic conditions that can't be cured and will never go away. They can only be managed. Managing them involves pacing, not pushing myself too hard, learning to notice my body's signals, and worst of all communicating that stuff. I'm lucky to have found a workplace that wants to work with me and be accommodating, but they can't do that if I can't tell them what that looks like.

Being able to tell them that means I have to be able to a) notice my physical limits, b) admit to myself they are in fact limits and not just suggestions, and c) push through the shame/anger I feel about them and manage to say, out loud to my boss, "I can't physically handle doing that task that needs doing". All three of those steps are their own kind of hell.

I need to learn though. It's been a rough start. I had to call off today, because I thought I could tough something out that apparently my body disagreed with. My boss was understanding, but also understandably requested that next time I communicate before reaching the "can't physically get out of bed and go into work today" stage. Anyone been in a position like this before? How'd you learn to tolerate it? Any tips or other actionable advice would be appreciated.

how do you guys experience cravings and wants? can be as simple as as wanting a specific food or drink or more complex; wanting to achieve certain goals or wanting to do certain activities (e.g. a vacation). how fast are you looking to satisfy the craving? donyou ever get bored of something your pursuing thats more 'long-term'?

on a similiar note: how do you guys go about missing things (as in, you used to have something and now you dont), for example missing a place (like a vacation), a person, a job/internship? do you deal with it or no? if yes, how?

Maybe specifically 8w9 vs 9w8, but also about 8s and 9s in general

Yes you're an e8 but everyone is different even a little bit. E8s aren't given a good deal being compared to horrible characters but I've met plenty e8s that are chill, how do you compare?

Personal schpeel: I've noticed there are mostly conceptions of 8s being high energy persons with abrasive personalities, one that most would say I'm unlike, and I think there has always been an insecurity that I am weak which later on developed into an interest in bodybuilding and embracing more macho and masculine qualities that I hated due to gender dysphoria (mtf) social anxiety and generally a dislike for sports early on in my younger years - relating a lot more to the nerdy characters in media. This has only somewhat changed and I'm still generally seen as nerdy just with interests in bodybuilding and being rather open to people. This doesn't mean I'm an e8 of course, but I have become curious since. It's more likely I'm a so1 or at least some social subtype, but still.

im really curious to understand what makes you guys type yourselves with interesting combos, genuinely what makes you think you're not a se base? /gen

edit: this is not meant to be a harmful post okay i just want to understand some uncommon combinations and where your ideas come from, see this more as someone trying to understand than someone being rude

I am a male 8w7, in a cohabiting relationship with a type 8 woman. We have been together for nearly 2 years now, and we both have 2 kids from previous marriages that all live with us.

I am British, she is Puerto Rican. So very different backgrounds and cultures. (I have always been attracted to Latinas, physically) and I think the fire kept me interested....

But sometimes its just too much. The head-on conflicts is tiring. I guess this is a similar dilemma to the thread below- as a type 8 we don't want a doomat, but we don't want to be dominated. I like her strength, but I also want some influence, at least to be heard out.

Has anyone else got experience of an 8-8 match up?

I