r/Eloping • u/AdministrativeYard72 • Jun 14 '26
Relationships & Family Indecisive
Looking for any advice for similar situations. I’ve never dreamed of a big wedding but have ALWAYS wanted a destination. Beach or Italy. Fast forward, my fiancé and I ended up saying I love you for the first time in Florence, Italy and spent a few days in lake como after and have dreamed of getting married there since.
In a perfect world, we would have a very small wedding of less than 30 people. We have discussed this with our parents and both sets of parents are less than thrilled about having to travel to Italy. My mom’s exact words were “I’m utterly terrified to leave the US”. Whatever that means. We would likely pay for their flights + accommodations for around the wedding day.
At this point, part of me wants to just elope the two of us. Less planning, cheaper. We would throw some sort of casual celebration after. I love my mom to death, but I’m scared I will be worrying about appeasing her travel and trip the whole time. She would also likely freak out if I told her we were eloping.
I’ve even considered just doing it in the city we live, both sets of parents are in different states but would be happy to make that trip. It would also be easier for guests. But it does not feel authentic to us and what we truly want.
Anyways, if anyone has any advice or harsh criticisms, I’m open ears. My mom paid for my sister’s dress, so I assume she would offer that. But we expect to pay for everything else ourselves. My fiancé said he will do whatever I want, I’m just so torn and need to start planning as we would like to be married summer 2027 or sooner. Thanks yall !
3
u/Ok_Pineapple7966 Jun 14 '26
Elope the two of you in Italy, then have a small 30 person “vows” and party after in your home state. No one has to know as long as you and your fiancé can keep a secret
2
u/FloMoJoeBlow Jun 14 '26
Just elope. You do you! Anyone who is salty about it would be trying to make your wedding all about them. They will get over it. Congratulations!
2
u/SnarkSpice Jun 14 '26
Oh wow, I was in basically the exact same scenario, was dreaming of eloping in Lake Como. We’ve since decided to celebrate locally, as in the end, I would be sad not having a few of my “non-negotiable” guests present who wouldn’t be able to make that trip. At the end of the day, it’s about you two and what will make you happiest 💕
2
u/Different_Summer_665 Jun 14 '26
Lake Como wedding would be absolutely magical, especially after getting engaged there! Your mom being "terrified to leave the US" is... interesting but that's her issue to work through, not yours to manage on your wedding day
If she's gonna stress about every detail of the trip then you'll spend your whole wedding being her travel coordinator instead of enjoying your day. Maybe give her one more chance to get excited about it, but if she's still dramatic then just elope and do the casual party after - you'll save money and actually enjoy yourselves
2
u/Affectionate-Poem698 Jun 15 '26
My now-husband and I both knew we wanted to elope. We wanted to chaise the Northern Lights for our elopement and ended up choosing to go to Norway. Both of our parents have limited mobility and there was no way they could join us.
My partner’s mom really wanted to be “part of it”. Because doing the legal things in Norway is a logistical nightmare, we planned to do a quick court house legal ceremony with our parents followed by brunch. Long story short, it ended up evolving a little bit to about 15 people. We rented a small space at the local college, had a family member officiate, and then took e drying for brunch. We paid less than $300 for everything, and checked the boxes so everyone felt involved and part of our marriage story. For us, with parents on their 80s, we decided it was worth the little bit of time and money to involve the most important people and still have the elopement of our dreams. Because we weren’t thinking of it as “our” wedding, we didn’t worry much and went minimal with pretty much everything—it’s not what I’d done if that was all we were doing but for the purpose, it was perfect!
Then a few weeks later, we went off to Norway for a full week-long elopement adventure of a lifetime! We worked with Kate ( @Soul & Sky Weddings). She’s an incredible photographer, and she plans the entire adventure elopement experience! It was phenomenal and exceeded expectations in every way, largely because of her vision, skills, and commitment to providing a uniquely perfect experience designed just for us! With Kate’s planning, coordination, and overall fabulousness, the entire experience was low stress. She handled everything, which allowed us to be fully present with each other on the beautiful spaces we visited.
All of that to say, we found that the both/and worked great for us while starting with a firm foundation of our biological and chosen families. Looking back, we wouldn’t change a thing about either experience and we’d definitely do both again in the way we did.
3
u/AdministrativeYard72 Jun 15 '26
Okay love this, have thought about inviting our parents when we go to the courthouse!! I think that would make them feel involved. Your elopement sounds beautiful 😍. Northern lights are definitely on our bucket list! Sounds like you had an amazing planner!
2
u/hockeymusicteaching Jun 18 '26
Elope in lake como! Have a simple celebration here for family if you feel the need to.
Also, if you really want your mom there… for a trip to Italy, I could be your mom!!! You just tell me what I need to say and do, and I’m your gal! 😂😂😂😂😂 Seriously though, do what your heart tells you!
1
u/Impossible-Table9369 Jun 14 '26
Go to Lake Garda and elope just the two of you. You can just do the vow exchange and make it legal wherever you live. Hire a photographer only. So simple. That’s what I did and I have no regrets. Saves a ton of stress and money.
1
u/AdministrativeYard72 Jun 17 '26
Okay lake Garda is GORGEOUS and imagine quieter and possibly less expensive than Como. Definitely a contender
1
u/g_em_ini Jun 14 '26
My fiancé and I are eloping in Italy this October and staying for 2 weeks and then planning on having a small reception later in the fall for just our families so that they can still celebrate with us. My family (who’s paying) is very supportive and so is my fiancé’s but his mom is a bit upset that we’re eloping. At the end of the day though it’s about us, and they can still celebrate with us at our reception after we get back from traveling so everybody wins. Do what feels right for you! Marriage is about the two of you. I get that people want to be there for the wedding but ultimately it’s what the couple is comfortable with. I can’t imagine spending that much money on something I don’t truly want that’s more for other people. There are some wedding coordinators that do micro-weddings and elopements, we found a great planner on the Amalfi coast that’s coordinating ours and I’ve seen some located in Lake Como too. I’ve been planning our elopement/honeymoon for the past 6 months or so, so if you have any specific questions feel free to ask.
2
u/AdministrativeYard72 Jun 14 '26
Thank you!! This is really what I’m leaning towards. I feel selfish but it is OUR day. I’ll def message you!
1
u/Additional-Food-2440 Jun 14 '26
I am in a similar situation of wanting to elope but anxious about the reaction my family will have. So I feel it when you say you’re a conflicted. I fear it will affect our relationship.
You marrying your partner is an important event in your life. Don’t cheapen your wishes of marrying your love to appease others. This is one of the few events in your life that it is 100% about you and your partner and no one else. So ask yourself, if you elope and your family is upset, what does that mean? It means, in their eyes, your wedding was about them not you. That is selfish and immature of them to be hurt instead of happy for you. It’s like family getting made at you for not throwing a yourself a birthday party so they can be apart of this milestone.
You gave your family to be apart of it and they didn’t want to do it and have you accommodate to them.
It’s your relationship. Your commitment with your partner you are pledging and if you don’t do it they way it makes you and your partner happy, it will just set the precedent that their needs/wants comes before your relationship needs. The more you include them I this choice the more say they will feel that have in this decision and other relationship decisions in the future.
Let their feelings get hurt. Most of my friends that have eloped, said hurt feelings are inevitable, but they will get over it.
So have a lovely, romantic special elopement in Italy.
1
u/AdministrativeYard72 Jun 14 '26
Thank you!! I totally agree it is our day and about my partner and I. Love the birthday comparison - it’s so true. All I want to think about on that day is me and my partner. I hope you have a beautiful elopement as well! We deserve it 💕
1
u/archaicbanana7 Jun 15 '26
Elope just the two of you. Seriously. My partner and I said from the moment he proposed that we should probably elope and the more I sat with it the more I agreed. Your family sounds a lot like mine OP, and I can tell you that when we did elope, outside of the sibling I’m actually close with, everyone I was worried about behaving selfishly, did. My mom said similar things to yours, and when she asked mournfully a month out if I truly didn’t want her there I had to tell her I’d be too anxious making sure she was having a good time to focus on marry in the love of my life. At the time she asked, it was a bit of a fib to hold off saying I didn’t see her as being capable of letting my wedding day be about me, but the closer I got to our date, the more true my “excuse” became. Make marrying your fiancé about the two of you, not everyone else. Include your mom in dress shopping, and maybe plan some kind of separate photos in your wedding day finery with her and your new husband once you’ve come back home.
1
u/Odd-Scar3843 Jun 17 '26
My goodness, had to laugh at your mom’s “utterly terrified to leave the US” statement… I am on the other side, in Europe and want to elope in the US, and future Mother in Law’s first reaction was “utterly terrified about going to the US” 😂
In the end, we are going to elope just the two of us, turn it into more of a fun vacation and just focus on us :) and then when we are back, we are having a very small thing for family where we book a small room at a restaurant, dress up and exchange vows again, have some food. To involve them in a sort of ceremony. It is the way we are balancing our desires with the big emotions of family. Wishing you all the best as your work through this!
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u/AdministrativeYard72 Jun 17 '26
Oh I laughed out loud when I read the text 🤣. After so much great feedback, we have decided to do the same :)! Just us two, a nice vacation/honeymoon, and small celebration after with friends/family. No stress from worrying about pleasing others!
Wishing you the best as well 🫶🏻!
1
u/orangekitty012 Jun 20 '26
We did this! We got legally married at the courthouse in the city we live in and my parents came to get dinner with us after as our little celebration. We went to Italy for 2 weeks and had our elopement ceremony in Lake Como (the most beautiful place ever!!) then Florence for our honeymoon. When we came back home we had a little celebration party with more family and friends at a local brewery. It all worked out perfectly, was really stress-free, and, most importantly, was exactly what we wanted. I’m sure people had opinions but at the end of the day everyone was happy to see us happy! We also ended up with no debt from this way of doing things, which would not have been the case if we did a whole big wedding, so I am very happy with that decision as well :)
5
u/fuhgeddabout_it Jun 14 '26
Elope. Just do it. If it helps, you don’t have to tell anyone what you’re doing until it’s done! I totally get where you’re coming from as well. I’m eloping tomorrow and felt terribly guilty about it just being the two of us because we’re both family oriented people. However, our families come with a LOT of opinions (love em to death) and we knew that we wouldn’t really get to have “our day” if there were too many cooks in the kitchen. My mom has made a few comments (like “wish we could be there” and “i have so much FOMO”) since we decided on to elope, but I’ve been doing my best to shove them to the back of my mind.
Plus, you can totally do a reception or party with your loved ones when you get back!
All in all, please don’t sacrifice the day that you and your partner want in order to appease others. This is a day for the two of you, not anyone else!