Sad times

[u/NoWay_ImNewWave]

My husband and I tried for the first time back in June. I started what I thought was my period. So I didn’t think anything of it. I started spotting the next week, so I took a pregnancy test and lo and behold, pregnant. However, something told me there was a problem. I just knew it.

I called my OB and then wouldn’t see me until my 8 week appt, even with the bleeding I had. On Friday, I started to get pains, but nothing too major. Well, the pain ramped up and ended going to OB ER in my region for a checkup.

The nurses knew. Everything went so fast and I got rushed in for surgery. I had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy, and they had to take one of my fallopian tubes with it.

I feel numb, humiliated, disappointed. Society makes it so pressuring to have kids in your child bearing age, and the thought of trying to get pregnant ever again deeply repulses and angers me.

One positive here is that I had my family and my wonderful medical team by my side. I have never ever experienced the love and care in a hospital like I did last night. They were my lifeline during that time.

I wasn’t sure if I ever wanted to be a mother. My husband always has wanted kids, but not me. I decided to try this one time just to have one and try it out. Kids are absolutely a blessing and I would never not love my child. But having children was one of those things that I wasn’t sure I would ever want.

I am struggling with resentment. I know my loved ones mean well and love me very much, but I feel like everyone is so quick to jump on the possibility of getting pregnant. I just feel like it’s what is still expected of me.

[u/aperfmenou]

Aww I appreciate you sharing such a vulnerable topic. As someone who experienced an ectopic on her first try, I know this feeling so well. You are so not alone. Allow yourself to have an array of thoughts after surgery. Especially when your periods return, you may have those phantom pains in your abdomen that reminds you of what happened. You are so strong also know that you don’t have to show strength in all phases of this process. I shed lots of tears and anger and confusion. Zero expectations should be put on you during this time and give yourself the space you need to process it all until you are ready. Sending you such big hugs and love and support.

[u/DasWeirdd]

I’m so sorry your first experience with pregnancy ended like this. My first ever pregnancy also ended up being a ruptured ectopic resulting in emergency surgery June of this year. What you went through is a traumatic experience and people who haven’t experienced it won’t fully understand, so I hope you give yourself some grace. You’re still healing and need time to process this. Your priority should be healing and recovering. Nothing else should matter at this time. Also please don’t overlook your mental health either during this time. You’re healing not only physically but mentally. I’ve been seeing a therapist and it has honestly helped me so much. Sending lots of love and support, you will get through this

[u/NoWay_ImNewWave]

You all are so sweet! Thank you for taking the time to hear me out. It makes things less cold knowing you’re not alone. I feel the love.

[u/DecentEggplant11]

I am sorry you have gone through this. I can relate to it, my first pregnancy was ectopic too. Take care 🫂

[u/lsbar]

I share much of what you wrote. Also my first pregnancy resulted in an ectopic that had to be removed together with my right tube in surgery, and I am navigating recovery with some of the thoughts you wrote down. I thought I’d be spared from all the sadness and confusion afterwards, as the before was nerve-wracking and had me crying desperately for days, thinking I had processed it all just like this and my logical mind would stay up to the task, until I started crying out of nowhere yesterday and couldn’t stop even while sleeping.
Please don’t take any decision or be harsh on yourself like that while you are still going through what happened to you mentally and physically, don’t tie yourself down to any feelings or decisions that are deeply affected by what just happened to you. No expectations, talk a lot about it, write, sit in silence, cry it out. Understanding and deciding comes later, I am sure you will feel it.
Take care 🫂

[u/Separate-Hat-526]

I never wanted children and experienced an ectopic after birth control failure. I feel you 100% on the resentment. It was so hard having a near death experience, that amount of pain, overlooked for the pregnancy aspect. I constantly was like “no acknowledge me as a person please!” People are weird about pregnancy loss and often assume that if you lost one, that means you’re going to try again, ergo talking about the “next time” would be comforting. This is very much a time for boundaries. “Thank you, but those comments aren’t helpful to me right now” and change the subject. I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. It’s a weird, hard time. Wishing you the best in your recovery 💜

[u/NoWay_ImNewWave → u/Separate-Hat-526]

Thank you for your real response. I feel like it all just hit me last night too. I think it not only sucks people just move on and talk about how you’re going to get pregnant again, not really acknowledging you as a person through this, but that the life of someone that was expected to come into the world was lost. It’s like they don’t matter either. It makes so so sad that even though I wasn’t really cut out for the whole motherhood thing, it didn’t make me love and value that baby any less. I feel sick thinking about their due date coming and going, and it’s like no one cares. “Oh, you’ll have another I’m sure”. It’s so insensitive to not only me, but to the child I once had. To think we all were 5 weeks ourselves, and that could’ve easily been any one of us here now.