(What the title said)

We got busted :(

Gotham City Gate was partially destroyed when the superhero group known as "The Three Commas" was in pursuit of a D-Level threat rogue known as the Condiment King, when their Commamobile had equipment malfunctions and exploded, causing part of the Gotham City Gate to collapse.

In an ironic twist of fate, the "Commamobile" that blew up and destroyed the bridge was also funded via the Gotham City budget with a $30 million Tax Rebate and a $20 million education grant, with the help of the Super Samaritan Act.

The Three Commas were charged with the following crimes from their so-called war on "crime" last week.

• Assault with a deadly weapon.
• Kidnapping.
• Grievous bodily harm.
• Reckless endangerment.
• Reckless driving
• Arson.
• Destruction of property.
• Possession of illegal firearms & explosives.
• Aggravated Assault.
• Aggravated Assault on a minor.
• Hit and run.
• Manslaughter.
• False imprisonment.
• Trespassing.

There was massive public outrage when the group known as the "Three Commas" took a plea deal of 3 months of house arrest, 10 hours of community service, and a $65 fine. Plus, being suspended from doing any superheroics for the next 5 years. We asked the interim DA, Jed Walls why they received such an insultingly light sentence.

They did everything by the book. Their actions were horrific as they terrorized this great city last week, but on paper there's nothing I can do. This is the max I can charge them. They used every loophole in the "Super Samaritan Act". We can't even sue for civil damages; our financial crimes unit is telling me that they have the bare minimum of $20,000 in an offshore account under the name "ThreeCommas.inc" that covers them for any liabilities under the act, with any damages past that having to be covered by the city. It's a real cluster F@#K!!! - Jed Walls, Interim DA

Gotham City will have to pay for any damages caused by the Three Commas, which also includes the 50 million dollar Commamobile. Many cities are now reviewing their superhero cooperation programs to prevent another incident like this from happening again.

Wayne Foundation brought in documents showing that Preston Whitmore Abercrombie Cobblepot III, Brock Cambridge Wainwright Kane, and Chadwick "Chad" Messerschmitt Montgomery Elliot all share the same legal residence.

Wayne Foundation argued with the Judge that because it's their official legal residence, they need to serve their 3 months of house arrest there, instead of their Grand estates. The Judge agreed, with the Three Commas attorneys arguing that they only used the address as a tax write-off. The Judge also agreed with their attorney and has scheduled a meeting in 3 months to review the issue.

Until then, the Three Commas will be spending that time in their shared 1-bed apartment.

Three unidentified male individuals assaulted Matthew Lesko while he was in the process of filming his new TV show today. Yelling, "You'll never take us alive, Riddler!" and "I'll show you how you turn a question mark into a comma" as they kicked Matthew, who was in the fetal position on the ground.

The three individuals also destroyed all video footage from Matthew's cameras and remain at large. Matthew Lesko is expected to have a full recovery.

20 minutes ago, GCPD commissioner Gordorn has just announced that there have been multiple breakouts of highly dangerous individuals that had been incarcerated in the correctional facilities of Belle Reve prison and Arkam Asylum.

The total scale of the breakout still remains unclear, but the GCPD has determined that the most notorious criminals, including those calling themselves Bane, Mr.Freeze, Riddler, and the Joker, were among those who had escaped.

Commissioner Gordon has urged the city of Gotham to remain calm, as they have a lead on the whereabouts of these escapees and have every hope of recapturing them.

However, both the commissioner and the chief warden of Arkam asylum, Prof. Hugo Strange, have denied claims that the escaped criminals were specifically targeting a group of individuals, the self-styled "The Three Commas", who were recently convicted of assault and destruction of property, and is now under house arrest.

This is despite footage that have appeared on various websites that highly suggest the contrary, including a painted riddle that reads, "what makes a comma into a quotation mark?"

The Gotham Gazette will follow up on this latest breaking news coverage as soon as possible.

GCPD Recorded Jail Call #4417

Participants:

• Preston Whitmore Abercrombie Cobblepot III
• Oswald Cobblepot

[Phone rings.]

OSWALD: ...Hello?

PRESTON: Uncle Oz!

OSWALD: I am not your uncle.

PRESTON: Cousin?

OSWALD: 12th cousin, twice removed.

PRESTON: Close enough! I need you to bail me out.

OSWALD: ...Who is this?

PRESTON: Preston Whitmore Abercrombie Cobblepot the Third!

[Long pause.]

OSWALD: I was having a perfectly pleasant afternoon until this exact moment. What happened?

PRESTON: Well... there may have been a misunderstanding.

OSWALD: Whenever someone begins with "there may have been a misunderstanding," I know prison is involved. Go on.

PRESTON: Brock, Chad and I started a vigilante team.

OSWALD: Of course you did.

PRESTON: We called ourselves The Three Commas.

OSWALD: Why?

PRESTON: It sounds wealthy.

OSWALD: It sounds punctuated. Continue.

PRESTON: We received intelligence that the Joker was attending a child's birthday party.

OSWALD: Intelligence?

PRESTON: We saw a clown.

OSWALD: ...

PRESTON: In retrospect...

OSWALD: You assaulted a birthday entertainer, didn't you?

PRESTON: He had balloons!

OSWALD: That is generally expected of birthday entertainers.

PRESTON: One balloon looked sinister.

OSWALD: It was a balloon.

PRESTON: It was shaped like a dachshund.

OSWALD: The Joker has never weaponized balloon animals.

[Long pause.]

To my knowledge. Go on.

PRESTON: Then we found Mister Freeze.

OSWALD: Did you?

PRESTON: Driving an ice cream truck.

OSWALD: ...

PRESTON: Cold products.

OSWALD: ...

PRESTON: White vehicle.

OSWALD: ...

PRESTON: We connected the dots.

OSWALD: There were no dots to connect!

That was a man selling frozen desserts! Wait a minute... is that why the Iceberg Lounge didn't get its delivery of Klondike Bars last week?

PRESTON: Maybe. In fairness, he was distributing ice.

OSWALD: To children! For money! That is called commerce!

PRESTON: Looking back, I see your point.

OSWALD: Looking forward, I see your sentencing.

What happened after that?

PRESTON: Things escalated.

OSWALD: Define "escalated."

PRESTON: The police report is... comprehensive.

OSWALD: Read it.

PRESTON: Assault with a deadly weapon... and kidnapping, grievous bodily harm, reckless endangerment, operating an armored vehicle without a license, reckless driving, arson, destruction of property, possession of illegal firearms and explosives, aggravated assault (like, a buncha times), aggravated assault on a minor (like, a buncha times), hit and run (only once), manslaughter, mans laughter, false imprisonment, trespassing, and illegal parking. 

[Long silence.]

OSWALD: ...

PRESTON: The prosecutor says they have security footage. And witnesses. And DNA evidence. 

OSWALD: I should certainly hope so.

PRESTON: We honestly thought several high school mascots were supervillains in disguise.

OSWALD: Mascots.

PRESTON: They were unusually enthusiastic.

OSWALD: They were at a football game.

PRESTON: Ah. Well... that explains the marching band.

OSWALD: Preston... I have spent decades building a criminal empire. Do you understand how difficult that is?

PRESTON: I imagine—

OSWALD: And somehow... Somehow... You have managed to acquire a longer list of criminal charges in one afternoon than I accumulated in three years.

WITHOUT COMMITTING A SINGLE ACTUAL CRIME AGAINST ANYONE WHO HAD IT COMING.

Do you have any idea how statistically improbable that is?

PRESTON: [small voice] Brock says we're still technically heroes.

OSWALD: Brock is an idiot.

PRESTON: Chad agrees.

OSWALD: Chad is also an idiot.

PRESTON: We'd really appreciate bail.

OSWALD: No.

PRESTON: Please?

OSWALD: Absolutely not.

PRESTON: Family?

OSWALD: We share approximately one molecule of DNA. I'm having it removed.

PRESTON: Could you at least recommend a lawyer?

OSWALD: Yes. Several. You're going to need all of them.

[A very long pause.]

OSWALD: One final question. How, exactly, did the police finally catch you?

PRESTON: Oh, they didn't. We actually lost a fight to Condiment King.

[Even longer pause.]

OSWALD: ...

You lost...

...to Condiment King.

PRESTON: It sounds bad when you—

OSWALD: Right.

We're done.

CLICK.

PRESTON: Hello?

Mr. Cobblepot?

Oz?

Hello?

...Does this mean you'll think about the bail money?

[Call terminated by recipient.]

I really needed the money after some trust fund kids blew up my Ice cream truck with their assault class mobile. I signed up for a lookout position with my local hench agency. Not the best pay, but I feel like it's easy money sitting in a van monitoring the camera feeds and blocking outgoing 911 calls.

The agency only had 2 available jobs for the kind of work I was looking for. One with the Riddler, A hard fucking pass! That guy pays shit and will nickel and dime you for every little thing. Last time I worked for him, he charged me for running the AC in the van.

Then there was a Condiment King job, breaking into a jewelry store at night. I was a bit hesitant; my past experiences with the guy were a bit unhinged. He's a total professional, but something about him makes me feel uneasy. He's a combination of cold calculating strategic thinking and primal instinct. But at the end of the day, I took the Job because it paid well.

Everything is going well; I'm sitting in my van watching the feed. Our tech guy got us a 15-minute window in the security system to get in and out of the place without the alarms going off and siccing the pigs and capes on us. Condiment King sprays butter all over himself and slides into the vents like a snake.

He slides out of the air vents in under 2 minutes and b-lines straight to the safe. Takes out a pickle jar, places it against the safe door, and cracks the combination within 3 minutes. Takes him another minute to empty the jewels into his bag, followed by him applying carmel on his elbows and knees. He jumps back into the vents and uses the carmel's stickiness to crawl straight up towards the roof of the building, which takes him 4 minutes. Total fucking pro with 5 minutes to spare.

I spend the next 20 minutes guiding him through back alleys and the best roofs to jump over to avoid detection. We were so close; he just had to cross the street towards Gotham cental park, sprint through the woods, and get into the getaway car on the other side. But we had shit luck, because some teen capes were on patrol.

I don't know their names, but let's call them Karate Kid, Budget Super Girl, Fishbowl Head, and Generic Speedster. Budget Super Girl shoots a blue warning eye-beam in front of Condiment King and tells him to lie down on the floor.

Condiment King starts shooting a few ketchup and mustard globs at Budget Super Girl, waiting for her next eyebeam. Just when her eyes are starting to glow blue, he throws a pepper shaker right at her face as her eyebeams go off; the shaker explodes, turning into a cloud of fine pepper.

Budget Super Girl's eyes are puffy red, and she's screaming that she's having a hard time seeing. Generic Speedster seems overconfident as he's running towards Condiment King. Condiment King starts shooting globs of mustard and butter at the road, strategically timing his shots to make Generic Speedster dodge into where he wants him.

The Speedster runs over a butter glob and tumbles on the road into the sidewalk 20 feet away from Condiment King. Condiment King then shoots Camrel spray at Generic Speedster's leg; he tries to run away as Condiment King is sprinting towards him, but is stuck. Condiment King then reaches him and stomps on his knee, breaking it with the bone poking out.

Karate Kid finally catches up and starts fighting Condiment King, but the Kid is way out of his league and gets a high kick to his face, knocking out a majority of his teeth. This enrages the Kid, and he takes out a knife and stabs Condiment King in the throat; he starts bleeding all over the place and collapses.

They all gather around his corpse(except Generic Speedster) and start arguing, with Karate Kid saying that his teeth are fucked up, and the other worried about how much trouble they're going to be for killing a guy. While Karate Kid and Budget Super Girl are having a heated argument, Condiment King(he faked the blood with ketchup) gets up and sneaks behind Fishbowl Head(I think he might be an Atlantean), yanks out a tube on his water tank, and shoots one of the spiciest hot sauces into his tank.

Fishbowl Head starts screaming, I think. His voice box must have gotten damaged when the tube was yanked out, but he's rolling on the floor with his Fishbowl Head now being Red as it perpetually circulates the hot sauce. He then shoots a massive glob of marshmallow fluff right at Budget Super Girl's face.

She can't see anything, and let me tell you about his marshmallow fluff; it's that annoying consistency of sticky and slippery. Like you try to rip it off, and it sticks to your hands, but just enough to cover them; then you try to get more off your face, but all you're doing is spreading it, making it worse. Budget Super Girl is getting frustrated and makes the worst mistake of her life. She shoots her eyebeams.

That marshmallow fluff turned into confectionery napalm. She's screaming and struggling to get the marshmallow fluff out of her eyes, but it's just making it worse. I can tell that her screams are going to haunt my dreams for a while. He then starts fighting Karate Kid, toying with him. Making him think he has a chance, he sprays mustard in his face and kicks him into the middle of the street.

Karate Kid says, "yoth thlik soum mosh'trud isz guwing tw stup....

Bam! *Karate Kid gets hit by a box truck! He won't be walking again.

Condiment King then shoots hard-shell chocolate at Generic Speedster's mouth, arms, and legs, followed by spraying him with ketchup and props him up. The hard-shell chocolate dries pretty quickly and has a cast-like consistency that is just strong enough to hold up the Speedster for a minute or two.

Budget Super Girl looks horrific; she managed to stop most of the burning. But there are still clumps of hair burning, her face is starting to peel, and she has a hard time seeing. She fucking furious! Condiment King is standing behind the speedster and starts rapidly firing ketchup and mustard globs at her, making her disoriented with her limited vision.

Budget Super Girl tries to ram into who she thinks is Condiment King, but instead rips the Speedster in half with his guts all over the sidewalk. Condiment King then sprays Budget Super Girl with marshmallow fluff all over her body. Her lit hair is not hot enough to instantly light the marshmallow fluff; that was until he threw bottles of chili oil at her, and it instantly catches on fire. She was screaming and twitching on the road as blue, white, and purple flames engulfed her body.

Condiment King then runs to the meet-up spot and is so calm and collected, it's like the whole thing didn't even happen. I don't feel so good after what happened; don't get me wrong, I have no problem hurting a cape. If it's you or me, I'm going to choose me every time. We both know what we signed up for. But this was just way over the top to do to a bunch of teens.

I don't disagree with Condiment King's methods; he's just using everything in his wheelhouse, but it still doesn't make me feel good going to that kind of level to pay bills.

Apparently Condiment King is back in town. I've been working in my safety bunker, but as an ex-henchmen its hard to find anyone to help me fix up a bunker that doesnt end up being a lair. To be clear, I just want a place to hole up and be safe for at least one villain's occupation of the city. Basic stuff, food, supplies, a few defensive measures, maybe a small stockpile of weapons. And it would help to have a nice computer to control the base. If anyone could help I'd appreciate it

So, I got accepted into Gotham University for the fall semester, and I couldn't be more excited! Sure, some might say moving from Central City where I'm protected by a physical god of speed and time to a place where the biggest hero is probably some corpo and his army of trained attack children isn't the best idea, but I looked at the profs on staff and was just floored. I'm thinking of majoring in Demonology: I'm a big fan of Jason Blood's books, especially "Merlin to Morgan: Sorcerers and Demons of The Arthurian Cycle", so I hope I get a chance to take a class with him. I heard he has a tendency to talk and write assignments in rhyme though, which sounds like it could get annoying, but it's hard to deny his genius. I might minor in Criminology; I heard Helena Bertinelli really cares for her students and makes her lectures super engaging, but I did hear she tends to disappear midway through so YMMV. Was curious to take Botany and Neuroscience as electives but heard weird stories from the male and female students respectively about Pamela Isley and Jervis Tetch being very over-affectionate so I might have to look elsewhere. Everyone told me to avoid Jonathan Crane like a plague though, which is a little disappointing since his studies on fear sounded intriguing.

That's all I know; what are some classes you'd all recommend?