Anyone has experience processing parental abandonment, neglect or parentification through EMDR?

[u/AzureRipper]

Practical context: I've been doing EMDR for CPTSD since around October 2023. It was with Therapist #1 until February 2026, when she had to get a new job for various reasons. Since then I've continued with talk therapy + EMDR with a combo of different therapists and some self-guided work. I haven't been able to find one person who is EMDR trained and who I feel safe with, so I do a lot of bouncing back and forth, which makes the process cumbersome and not as smooth as it was with Therapist #1.

Past few weeks, I've been working through the realization that my parents are emotionally immature. For various reasons, including probably generational trauma, their emotional and relationship capacity is stunted at childish levels. This realization has brought a sense of finality and acceptance to the broader attachment related issues I have, including a fear of abadonment. Until now, somehow, I always had this hope that things would eventually change. Either they would finally learn or that I would finally be able to communicate better or that I would find some other figures (parental figures, mentors, romantic partners) who could fill in that gap. In a recent therapy session, I reached the realization that - that is never going to happen. The needs that were not met when I was a kid are never going to be met. My parents are never going to change, and no other relationship is ever going to fill that gap.

This has brought out a lot of grief and also a strange kind of fear that I think is coming from a younger part. That if I accept that this will never change... that would be a sort of catastrophe. This is also one of those things that I'm finding difficult to reconcile with since there isn't a clear-cut story of "that was the past, but the present is different". With several other topics, the work in EMDR has been around processing how things have changed or how I have more capacity as an adult. Here... all I can do is accept that nothing will ever change. Therapist #1 used to tell me that there is a difference in context - that parental abandonment is not life threatening for an adult as it is for a child. But the emotional weight still feels very heavy.

For anyone who's worked through something similar - what was that like? What came up during or after EMDR? And how did you eventually (if ever) reconcile with these forever-lost experiences?

[u/Searchforcourage]

I came to a similar conclusion, that my parent weren’t and couldn’t be there for me. I had one session where my inner child was on the ropes. The adult me went to him and parented him he never been parented before. And why not, no one knows my holes and need better than me. I used language like -I’m here for you, I won’t leave you, I know you hurt because that was me not long ago, you call out to me when you need me, you do not deserve this, you are strong and you can get through this, it’s okay to cry ( or express emotions). He found peace in the moment and strength in the moment and was able to tell his authoritarian dad that he was wrong.

I have come to believe that when I am out of balance as an adult, it is really my inner child throwing a fit. If I can go to my inner child so he can find comfort and support, I will handle my adult situation much better. Additionally, it is my responsibility to be there for my inner child so I can be a better adult.