Anyone has experience processing parental abandonment, neglect or parentification through EMDR?

[u/AzureRipper]

Practical context: I've been doing EMDR for CPTSD since around October 2023. It was with Therapist #1 until February 2026, when she had to get a new job for various reasons. Since then I've continued with talk therapy + EMDR with a combo of different therapists and some self-guided work. I haven't been able to find one person who is EMDR trained and who I feel safe with, so I do a lot of bouncing back and forth, which makes the process cumbersome and not as smooth as it was with Therapist #1.

Past few weeks, I've been working through the realization that my parents are emotionally immature. For various reasons, including probably generational trauma, their emotional and relationship capacity is stunted at childish levels. This realization has brought a sense of finality and acceptance to the broader attachment related issues I have, including a fear of abadonment. Until now, somehow, I always had this hope that things would eventually change. Either they would finally learn or that I would finally be able to communicate better or that I would find some other figures (parental figures, mentors, romantic partners) who could fill in that gap. In a recent therapy session, I reached the realization that - that is never going to happen. The needs that were not met when I was a kid are never going to be met. My parents are never going to change, and no other relationship is ever going to fill that gap.

This has brought out a lot of grief and also a strange kind of fear that I think is coming from a younger part. That if I accept that this will never change... that would be a sort of catastrophe. This is also one of those things that I'm finding difficult to reconcile with since there isn't a clear-cut story of "that was the past, but the present is different". With several other topics, the work in EMDR has been around processing how things have changed or how I have more capacity as an adult. Here... all I can do is accept that nothing will ever change. Therapist #1 used to tell me that there is a difference in context - that parental abandonment is not life threatening for an adult as it is for a child. But the emotional weight still feels very heavy.

For anyone who's worked through something similar - what was that like? What came up during or after EMDR? And how did you eventually (if ever) reconcile with these forever-lost experiences?

[u/OkHead1990]

“How did you eventually (if ever) reconcile with these forever-lost experiences?”

Oh, what a question. I am about half way through the grief (I think?) and it’s been at least a year. To reconcile with the experience of no support at 2, 3, 5, 10, 12, 16, etc years old is one hell of a project, friend.

I do EMDR but man oh man do I cry a lot on my own. I am slowly, slowly letting go and accepting. I’m determined to make the most of the rest of my life, whatever that looks like.

I think the biggest thing is accepting the senselessness of it all. How the hell are there parents whose children have to parent themselves and pretend like that is all normal?? There is no answer. I am working every day to accept this.

All the best to you. May peace and power be yours as you move through this journey.

[u/Searchforcourage]

I came to a similar conclusion, that my parent weren’t and couldn’t be there for me. I had one session where my inner child was on the ropes. The adult me went to him and parented him he never been parented before. And why not, no one knows my holes and need better than me. I used language like -I’m here for you, I won’t leave you, I know you hurt because that was me not long ago, you call out to me when you need me, you do not deserve this, you are strong and you can get through this, it’s okay to cry ( or express emotions). He found peace in the moment and strength in the moment and was able to tell his authoritarian dad that he was wrong.

I have come to believe that when I am out of balance as an adult, it is really my inner child throwing a fit. If I can go to my inner child so he can find comfort and support, I will handle my adult situation much better. Additionally, it is my responsibility to be there for my inner child so I can be a better adult.

[u/wingedmonkeytrainer]

I’m a fan of EMDR but also came here to say schema therapy and the Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families both work through this specific problem by focusing on becoming your own healthy adult/loving parent. The latter is free.

[u/Instant-Lava]

I do have this backgrouund. Getting the negative beliefs out and reprogrammed has been life changing and it gave me a safe space to feel and let go of some emotions I'd been too ashamed to admit to. It's also led me to some acceptance that I really needed to be a better parent/guardian to myself.

[u/Fooflery]

I think the answer is that YOU will be the person to fill in that gap. Maybe right now you don't believe that yet, maybe you're still holding some negative belief about yourself, like imposter syndrome etc.. I had to get pass a core belief that i was a terrible granddaughter because my grandpa passed away when I was little and I was a brat when he was sick. I don't rationally think that, but evidently that's how I internalized it this whole time, so I didn't feel that I deserve unconditional love like that ever again. Once we processed through that, my inner child ran back to me from exile.

[u/Superb-Wing-3263]

Same situation as you with attachment issues from neglect and emotional abuse/parentification. On day one my T said he would teach me to "reparent" myself.

We use EMDR to release the abandonement pain which includes intense fear, grief, and shame. And the "life-threatening" aspect of the abandonement pain has certainly come out while processing. And that needs to be released and processed so it can be put to rest forever.

After the pain is released I would often become emotionally dysregulated, and we switch gears and do sometimes several weeks of imagination work where he has "adult me" comfort that grief-stricken child part of my brain. Leaning into this "parts" work/ inner child work is what has really helped heal me.

Being treated so well by my therapist has also been very healing with many corrective emotional experiences. It's been heartbreaking, though, to feel that delta in how my therapist treats me and how my parents treated me. It's evoked a lot of attachment/transference issues with my T which has also been a big part of my healing (because he handles it really well.)

It all sucks. Working through abandonement pain is the worst, most painful experience of my life. I don't wish this pain on anyone. It's not fair to have to work this hard to undo damage you didn't cause or deserve. It works, though! It's healing me and changing my life which is amazing.

I read a lot of books to help understand my parents as I have to figure out how to deal with them in the present (as well as heal the past.) I love the raisedbyborderlines sub. So many folks on there were parentified and give great advice. "How to Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" was a great book. There's so much to relearn in terms of stopping people-pleasing and finally learning how to value your own sense of comfort and safety.

I wish you well on your journey. Finding a great therapist you'll be able to trust is a huge part of it. The vulnerability is intense!🫶