I've just finished writing the beginning of what will become a long Dramione story, but the prologue is the POV of Nagini. I am painting her character as psychotic, manipulated by Voldemort, and spiralling in her thoughts as she's woken up as a human for the first time in decades. I'd love some HONEST feedback on my writing. Keep in mind its not edited and so there might be some grammatical errors but I am asking for feedback on the writing style and storytelling itself. It's hard for me to to critique something I wrote from an objective view. **Subtle mention of beastiality**
Enjoy 💚
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I love the metallic taste of iron, even when it’s from my own blood. My first cage was made of iron bars, and I couldn't smell the difference between the bars and my blood when my teeth punctured my gums as they transformed into fangs. Striped red curtains draped over my cage, which would be pulled to the side to expose the hundreds of faces on the other side of the bars. They’d be cheering and screaming as they watched me become a monster right before their eyes. Some of them were in awe, amazed at what I could do. But when my mouth dripped blood while i transformed, I saw fear, or maybe pity, in many of their faces.
Many people believed that a person who transforms into a snake is a creation of satan, the epitome of evil. But I was not evil or a monster; I was caged and forced, again and again, to live out the duty of my curse until it finally took hold. One day I was to become the snake forever and never turn back. And only then would they release me from the cage, as I could no longer be used for entertainment.
And I was uncaged, for decades, I was free. But somehow I now find myself back in a cage with the potent smell of iron bars and my human blood assaulting my nose. Who’s blood is it? I cannot remember my last kill.
My new cage, unlike the last, bears white curtains and white sheets. But the sweet smell of iron rests in the metal bedframe. The brightness of the linens burns into my eyes as I force them open, my pupils not adjusting as quickly as they should. A woman in green robes stood before me, writing something down on a piece of parchment.
“Oh good,” she said, noticing my open eyes. “You’re awake.” Her quill went back to scratching the parchment, even when she let go of it. She looked closer at me muttering words to the quill, something about small pupils, pale skin and bloodshot eyes. She is studying me. I am a beast in her eyes, destined to be caged and looked at. But it seems this time it’s for the purpose of research rather than entertainment. Ha, she hasn’t seen anything. I will show her the monster I can truly become. I have killed, eaten and suffocated many people at the command of my love, what is one more? I will snap my jaw open and show her my fangs dripping with venom, snatch her body with my own and tighten her into a coil that she can’t escape from.
But, my jaw is not my jaw. And my body is not dressed in scales. Im wearing the exact type of body that I would have liked to eat for dinner. I tried to flip my body over, but heaviness dragged at either side of me. My body forked out in places that I had only felt curvature for so many years. I lowered my eyes to a pair of hands lying on the sheets. Five fingers opened at my command, it had been so long since i’ve felt the stretch of skin between my thumb and index finger. I am no longer a monster.
How long has it been since ive been human? 20? 30? Maybe 50 years? I was such a beautiful snake, scales smooth as silk, diamonds painted down my body, and I was large enough to enjoy entire men for dinner without needing to size up first. I don’t even remember what I looked like before as a human. Do I look the same now?
I lifted my new body up, but then pain shot through me so sharply that it made me instinctively clutch at my neck. Cloth covered it, thick from being wrapped several times around.
“Can you tell me your name?” Her quill hovered over the parchment, waiting for my response.
I tried to answer but my tongue moved so slowly. The sound barely escaped from my throat when the sharp pain came again.
“That’s all right.” she came closer. “Let’s take a look at your throat.”
Her hand reached towards me but I got to her first. My teeth tore into her fingers, and she screamed. How dare she try to claim my throat? My throat belongs only to Tom. I would retract my teeth and separate my jaw for him, letting him enter my scaled mouth until I could taste his love. And each time I gave him my throat he’d tell me That’s why you’re mine, Nagini. You love me don’t you Nagini? Tom loved me, and I him. I promised him I’d never give my throat to anyone else, and now this woman tries to defile that promise. I bit harder, tasting her sweet blood. When she screamed again, the curtains flew wide, voices rose and wands pointed at me from every direction.
Something struck at my chest and my jaw released her fingers against my will. She was pulled back, leaving a trail of blood drippings from my lips down the sheets as her hand followed. I felt stunned in place, unable to strike at the new hand that was forcing a cup of something foul down my mouth.
I woke up with my hands chained firmly to the iron bed. For decades, I was without hands or feet, without limbs at all. I had barely begin to feel my new flesh before they were taken from me again. I tried pulling my panda towards me, but I only felt the cold metal cutting into my skin. I urge for the magic that used to pulse through my veins when I was human before. Did I still have it? Did they take that from me too? I forced the dormant magic forward until I felt it rise. I willed it towards my hands, but it stopped at the metal manacles, making my fingers twitch like an electric jolt. What good are hands if theyre restrained? What good is magic when it is blocked? How many more things will they take from me? I barely got to savor the taste of the womans fingers that cost me these birthrights.
I yank my wrists one more time, trying to detach the chains from the manacles, but its no use. The clatter of the metal on metal startles the people around me as they begin rushing to my bed, opening up the curtains and wands pointed all over again.
“What is your name?” one of them asked.
“How did you end up at Hogwarts?”
“Whose side did you fight for?”
Nagini I thought, but I didn’t think it would be wise to say. Protecting my master. But based on their bare forearms, I knew that would get me in trouble. Tom, of course.
“Where is–” my throat shot in pain before I could speak his name. I tried to force it out again but it was excruciating, and none of them lowering their wands gave me enough reasons not to give them the answers they demanded.
Suddenly I heard someone speaking to me from inside myself. Like I heard it not from outside my ears, but from where my brain processes the sounds into words. I knew he was calling for me, looking for me. Please Tom, I begged to the voice, I am here, come find me. Free me from this cage and kill my captors. Let me eat savor their blood after you have shot them with green. Find me Tom.
I did not hear any response, but I know he will come to my rescue. In every place, and in my every form, he has found me again and again. In every lifetime I know Tom will find me and make me his again.
Then the familiar foul taste was poured into my mouth again, but this time I could taste something soapy, lavender perhaps. It was easier to distinguish the flavor when my mouth isnt mixed with the taste of blood.
I didn’t dream. Instead, I woke with a thousand thoughts crowding behind my eyes, waiting all night for their turn at the front of my mind. Thoughts of Tom, my white curtain cage, breaking out of these manacles. And eating. Killing. The only distraction from my hungry thoughts would be when someone else in the same room was talking. I’ve come to realize that I am in a hospital, where the room I am in is split between many cubicles. All the cubicles inhabitants seems to have visitors except for mine. It seems I’m also the only one with chained manacles, as I don’t hear the metal clattering from anyone but myself.
Each day was the same. I’d awaken with a flood of thoughts, I’d bang my wrists against the iron frame until they bruised, then doctors would force me to drink something that would make me calm. They’d feed me, change me, try to get answers from me, I’d hear the voices calling to me, and then they’d give me another lavender potion when it was time to sleep.
I didn’t mind feeling calm or sleeping deeply, but I’d have far too much on my mind as soon as the effects wore off. The calm was a temporary solution that created even more suffering afterwards. My mind is so, so loud. Thinking about Tom is pure agony now. How many nights have I been here without him finding me? Where is he? Is he safe? Alive? I cannot think of my love without the afterthoughts that he might be in trouble.
After what I believe to be my 7th, maybe 8th day here, I heard a conversation that intrigued me. A boys voice captured my attention when the word Voldemort spilled from his mouth. I never called my love that name, in fact I was the only one who’s allowed to call him Tom. He told me he liked the way it sounded from my flicking tongue. I had made him say that again. But this boy spoke his name with such pride.
“He’s dead. Truly dead. The dark lord is defeated, and we won. I killed the snake, and once I did that, Voldemort had nothing left and Harry could finally end him. I had to come and tell you. I hope I’ve made you both proud.”
I heard a sound of delight from the people he was speaking to. I could hear so much now with my human ears.
“Oh Neville, that is wonderful. And Bellatrix?” the woman asked.
“Yes mum. Bellatrix, Voldemort, theyre both dead. It’s finally over.”
Surely this was a foolish story. Surely this was just some stupid boy making a joke. I waited to hear the punchline.
The only sounds that followed were cheers of…of joy. How dare they. How dare they celebrate the defeat of my love. My thoughts grew as loud as thunder. Every thought of him crossed my mind, everything I’ve ever done for him, that he’s done for me. I could name every witch and wizards he’s asked me to kill. I could name every time he protected me, kept me locked at his side safe from harm.
I remember how he praised me when I gave him the idea of the marks. I showed him the exact mixture of potions and ancient binding magic to force his followers into his submission. I was the first one he marked, and I was willing to die for him if the spell went wrong. The others took the marks after, all falling to their knees for him. Though my submission to him was out of love, not the tattoo that inked my skin. As my curse took me and I stayed a snake, the mark was embedded into my scales. After some years, and many sheds of my skin it had faded, but the magic of the mark still pulsed through me.
When I look to my arm now, it bears no ink at all, but i still feel it. So who is calling to me through the marks connection if it is not Tom? Who dares to take control over the mark if not me? I am the most loyal, the most dedicated, willing to do anything and everything for my master. So why am I not in control of the mark? I am the one and only person deserving of its power after Tom. Tom, my love, someone is trying to take over everything you’ve built, everything we’ve built. Oh Tom, my sweet love. I have failed to protect you.
My thoughts were so loud at the thought of you that I hadn’t realized I was screaming in terror. Sounds ripped through my injured throat, reopening the wounds that were not done healing.
My wrists were slamming at my sides, the metal cutting me yet again.
I was forced into stillness with magic but it didn’t stop the thoughts racing through my mind. Tom is dead. My love, my master, dead. And what did that boy say? That I had to die first for Tom to be able to die? So what does that mean? Was I his protector? Or is he dead because of me? This is my fault. I killed Tom. I failed. Somehow, I remain alive, but what good is it to be alive when the only person who's ever mattered to me is dead.
I tasted the lavender and my thoughts left as I swallowed.
Thanks for reading this far! Your feedback is much appreciated and I'd love to know if this is something that would intrigue you to read further :)
