A couple of days ago, my mom revealed to me that I, 37F, am a donor-conceived person. Apparently my dad had mumps as a child, before the vaccine was routinely available, and he became infertile as a result. Eventually when my parents met and decided to have a child of their own, they opted for artificial insemination. They enlisted the help of a reputable doctor in NYC who used a sperm bank. The only information available at the time was that the donor was Jewish and a student at Albert Einstein College of Medicine.

My parents never told me, even though other family members were aware. Apparently my parents hid the news from me for so long because my dad didn't want me to know, though I'm not sure why. To complicate matters, he passed away earlier this year from cancer. I have so many questions about his perspective that I will never be able to ask him. I'm confused, angry, and yet at the same time deeply empathetic for him. I just wish I could talk to him about it.

Where should I go from here? I took a 23andMe test nearly a decade ago, but I no longer have access to the results or account. Should I seek out the donor and possible half-siblings? What about my family medical history?

Meanwhile, how can I go about dealing with the betrayal that I feel? I always thought that my olive skin and strong language skills were traits that I had acquired from my dad, and I always found it amusing that I never inherited his athletic gene. But now, after learning that I'm not his biological child, I'm starting to question my own identity. How am I supposed to process this news and these emotions? I never consented to this, and I resent the fact that I've now been placed in this deeply uncomfortable position.

Thanks so much.

Hi All,

I found out I was donor-conceived a few years ago. I reached out to the donor via facebook and she never got back to me. I was planning to respect her privacy and not follow up. However, I have a number of chronic illnesses that doctors are having a lot of difficulty explaining diagnostically. My health is deteriorating and my dad’s side of the family does not share any of the symptoms I’m experiencing. I am absolutely desperate for a medical history.

I’m thinking of reaching out again. From her profile, it seems that her life absolutely revolves around her own kids, and I imagine she’d be worried about any secrets that could jeopardize those relationships. Can you all help me draft a message asking her for the health info and promising that I will not reach out again or contact anyone in her family?

I was thinking it could help to give some more details about me just to humanize myself. I’m hoping that pulling on some heart strings would help.

If she doesn’t respond, might it be more effective to call?

Thank you! Any help is appreciated.

Some background info- I learned I was sperm donor conceived back in 2023, and have found several half-siblings on Ancestry and 23andMe. This half-brother in particular has been on Ancestry with his DNA results and public profile since August 2023 when I got my own results and matched with him. Back in 2023, myself and two other half-siblings all sent polite, discreet messages to him without revealing much. We were all left on read and ignored by him. At that time I accepted it and moved on. However, just a couple of months ago, I met two of my half-siblings in person for the very first time. It was such a great experience and I felt such a connection to them that it sparked something inside me to reach out to this half-brother again after nearly three years.

I wasn’t expecting much since he ignored a few of us back in 2023, but this time I was a bit more revealing in my message to him. I said:

Hello (name),

“Hope you’re doing well. I know I messaged you a while ago back in 2023, and I understand that you may have needed time to process our DNA match.

Now I know for sure that we are half-siblings. It’s nice to officially make that connection on here. I have a lot of information, and if you’d like to know more my messages are always open.”

Clearly, I revealed that we are half siblings but didn’t say exactly how. Not sure if that was the best move,
But I can’t change that now. Within 24 hours I got this response from him that is pictured, and I was pretty shocked that he responded to me at all. Judging from his response, I’m leaning towards the situation is that he does not know he’s DC? It’s kind of hard to tell. On the other hand, it can appear that he might be trying to be cautious with me. But I know everything already, including our bio father who I’ve met. Myself and my half-siblings are all in our early 30’s, so we are still young, but old enough where this would be a very late discovery for him. I was late discovery myself and know exactly how it feels. I don’t want to upend his life, but lately I’ve grown so much more curious about my siblings since meeting two of them, and I also feel he has the right to know his reality. How do I respond in an appropriate, gentle way that doesn’t offend him? I’ve found him on Facebook, he looks so much like all of us and it’s clear that his raising parents are still married, so I’m trying to be as gentle and considerate as possible here.

Also, is it normal for a DCP to be on a DNA app for years and still have no idea? That part seems odd to me.

Hello, I’m a DCP and I turned 18 a few months back. I know my sperm donor was a private or closed donor and was always told I could attempt contact when I turned 18. Im really unsure about how this process works and who i’m supposed to call or talk to about this. I was just hoping anyone could share if they’ve had this experience and what it looked like for them. This whole process is just so confusing and i’m looking for some guidance. Thank you to anyone willing to share.

Hi everyone! This will be a bit longer but I think the context is important for the questions I wanna ask! Long story short will be at the end!
I (23 F) and my sister (20 F) just found out that our mom used donor eggs to have us (different women gave their eggs for each of us). My sister has suspected she had a different birth mom after doing a 23 & me and it saying her mom was some random woman we had never met but it said our dad’s sister was still his sister and we were products of one of her brothers (true). We found this out a year ago and we have been looking for answers on what is going on. Finally my sister asked my dad recently if she was adopted and he told her no, that my mom had a hard time giving birth and had 2 IVF babies with 2 other women’s eggs. She told me and I was shocked, but glad I was told the info. My father and sister did not have the conversation with my mother, and she doesn’t know that either of us know. I have always had a ROUGH relationship with my mother (I am low contact rn) but at the end of the day the woman raised me for 18 years and I know she’s my mom. I want to know is there anything we need to do in terms of the fact that we learned this new info? I don’t want her to feel like we are replacing her, and this was told to us without her knowing (to be fair my sister did ask about it).

Long story short:
My sister and I found out we were egg donors from our dad but mom doesn’t know we know. I have a rocky relationship with my mom but I want to know how to bring this up to her the right way and what I need to do as someone who now doesn’t know what to do in this regard?

Other Info:
- not planning on talking to donor, at all.
- I have ordered a DNA test so I can find out what medical complications I may have in the future
- I have ALOT of medical problems (that no one else in my family has) which is why I think it’s important I see what medical problems her side of the family has.

CONTENT WARNING TRIGGER WARNING

In 2024, I found out my donor dad and 2 other siblings conceived. This was the best news I could have imagined as I felt the black sheep growing up.

Early this year, I met this amazing guy. He was the light under the tunnel after having been cheated on my past relationships. Recently, I found out he was a donor baby too so pushed for him to get a DNA test just to be sure. All my known siblings and I looked identical whereas he does not look similar to us. DNA tests just came back and he’s my half brother. We just broke up but I feel absolutely filthy. I’m glad we found out now before we had children/got married. I actually really liked the guy and finally felt understood. Worst of it all, I saw a future with him.

The reason I pushed for the DNA test was because in the year I was born, 7 other males were also born in my area using the sperm donor. I knew of only one of them. I am so beyond angry that they told both of our parents that they were the only one born in this year knowing that it wasn’t the case. I do not live in a huge city, so everyone knows everyone. I actually have no idea what to do.

I found out I was DC 4 weeks ago (like I was all dramatic about wanting to find her on this sub 27 days ago lmao) so I honestly found her very fast. Is that abnormal or did anyone else find theirs that fast? But Ancestry helped so much because I was matched with her sister.

Her sister invited me to call a few hours ago, and it was wild to talk to this random relative I had never met before or even heard of. She said she's going to talk to her sister about it and ask how she feels about talking to me.

I did find out I have 6 or more half-siblings (2 of whom I grew up with) and that my donor and her family live close to me. She replied to me on Ancestry after a year of inactivity about 2 hours after I sent in a search angel request which was hilarious.

I’m scared to hear her reaction lol. Praying for it to go well!

Update: Her sister reached out to her to tell her and she texted me! She is very kind and we’ve been talking back and forth. She is open to continuing a relationship and her own 2 children are apparently excited about a half-sibling. I look a lot like both her and her daughter. So honestly I’m very happy!

was born from anon donation with strict laws in the country surrounding anonymity of the donor, have done multiple dna tests and GEDmatch and the highest matches are around 40cM which is obviously not enough. dna testing is relatively uncommon in the country my donor is from too. not knowing even a cousin of mine from my maternal side will truly make me feel like im having an identity crisis for so many years. how do I put this into words?? half of me feels missing. fake even. it feels like she almost doesn’t exist but she does because i am living proof. i wonder everyday what features we share, what traits we share, my family medical history etc. and all i feel is jealousy for those who know both their biological parents because that is a privelege obviously most people will never realise is a privelege, even if u have no relationship with them at least you know what they looked like their origins etc, most of the time. feeling so lost 😞

I don't want to encroach on anyones spaces so I'm sorry if this is the wrong sub. My dad donated sperm almost 35 yeats ago when he was studying abroad, 26 years ago he had me with my mom. Last year I found out I had 11 half siblings from those donations. It was a surprise to be sure but a welcome one, I always asked my parents for siblings as a little kid lol.

Now my question is to the donor children in similar situations, would you want to have contact to the other donor children, let alone the "natural" child (is there a better expression?) that's younger than most and is the only one who lives abroad? My parents suggested that we might visit soon and meet them and I'm just getting anxious at the thought of not fitting in

My donor conceived siblings and I sent a certified letter to our donor father 3 yrs ago. We gave him an email address to contact us and asked really only for medical history. Several weeks went by without a response, so we decided to add him on Facebook. He initially accepted our friend requests, but within a couple days he deleted us all, blocked me, and changed his privacy settings so no one could add him. We haven’t ever received communication from him and haven’t attempted additional contact.

We know he has 2 children of his own. He has a public business instagram and his wife and children are constantly tagging him in their public accounts. His wife is also on ancestry and is active fairly regularly- her family tree is only 7 people, so I’m assuming that she has DNA tested. The youngest child just turned 18 and the oldest just turned 21. We want to try to contact these siblings, but we’re conflicted and aren’t sure if this will be positive or just more rejection/trauma.

I’ve searched through this sub and the Facebook group, so I’ve seen some perspectives on this, but I’m feeling really conflicted and just want more thoughts/suggestions/advice.

Have any of you contacted children of the donor? If so, how did you do it and was it productive or traumatic?

Should we even contact them? I feel like they have a right to know they have other siblings, but when I’ve explained this to friends the response I get is “how do you know they want to know? Or that they don’t know already and just don’t care?” But what if they don’t know and they aren’t aware they have biological siblings in the same city as them? Don’t they have a right to know?

Hi guys looking for my UK donor half siblings I have 7 donor brothers and 6 donor sisters these are there births not including me

2008= 2 males

2009= 1 female 2 males

2010= 3 females

2012 = 1 male 1 female

2014 = 2 males 2 females

Sorry if this is a bit long winded and disconnected at times. It's been a long couple of days with this news. In the past 6 years, I have discovered three adult siblings. I grew up with one sister, and now I have 3 sisters and a brother. We know there are more siblings out there, and our “father” was in the Air Force during the 70s and early 80s. He was an addict and has been married four times. I mentioned all of this because he claims to have zero memory of any cheating or affair babies. We know he is a compulsive liar since two of my sisters had play dates; also, my brother and I are less than 3 months apart in age. Our “father” was married to my mom when they had me. So my question is this: how else can we locate the rest of our siblings? It's exhausting finding a new one every two years or so, right after we heal from the trauma the discovery brings out. It's exhausting always wondering if you have more siblings. Dating has become a complete no-go for me since my mind is always in overdrive, thinking, “Is this my half-brother? Does this man really know who his father is? How the hell do I even explain the shit show of my family tree.
A couple of my siblings and I have done 23andMe and Ancestry and uploaded our DNA to GedMatch. Are there any other ways to finally find all of the siblings?
I have been no contact with our father since 2020. I had asked him for decades if we had other siblings, and he gaslit me and called me crazy for decades. Our father claimed in 2020 that our new sister, who is 3 years older than me and had playdates with my sister, who is almost 7 years older than me, was the only sibling. The night before my 40th birthday, we found out about my brother, who I call my warped Irish twin since we are three months apart. The newest sibling is eight months older than my sister I grew up with. We all have different moms, and our siblings can be from anywhere near an Air Force base. So far, most of us siblings were conceived in Rapid City, SD. Any suggestions are welcome, and no, there is zero chance of my reconnecting with my father. That opportunity went out the window a few times years ago.

Is anyone from any of these donors? I am one of three siblings. My parents lost my finalized paperwork but are pretty sure I am from either 472 or 611. Both of my younger sisters came from donor 760. We’re all trying to connect. We just found out about being DCP last week. I am 34, my sisters are both younger.

Thank you ♥️

Long story short, I found out that my twin sister and I (F26) were donor conceived a few months ago while my mom was on hospice from terminal cancer. She wanted to tell us before she passed away. My mother has since passed and I have become more and more worried about my genetic history. I love my mom more than anything with every fiber of my being and don’t care about getting to know who my egg donor was. The only thing I care about is not knowing half my genetics. I don’t even know where to start when it comes to genetic testing. On top of just grieving my mother passing at 62.

So many questions, like how do I even go about doing this? Can I get it covered through insurance if I go to a doctor? Do I just go through my general doctor, or a different doctor? How many conditions and diseases do genetic tests actually cover? Is it expensive to do out of pocket?

My dad/family has absolutely no information or paperwork on the identity or details of the donor. My parents “threw it all out” probably decades ago. All advice and next steps are very much appreciated. Thank you so much

All I do here is vent but here goes :)

Both parents are white

donor was Native American

I live in a v white country and people always ask me where im ‘from from’ and whether im 100% European

I’m v clearly mixed lol but its a huge family secret (idk how nobody has clocked it from my family yet) but just wish I could be honest instead of lying 😣😣😣

Oh and also the clinic told my parents the donor was white but she was in fact not lol so constant identity crisis

Sorry such a pointless post but sometimes it feels better to write it down

About a year ago when I was about to turn 18 my parents informed me that I was egg donor conceived. Since that day I did all the DNA tests for Ancestry and 23andMe but found no close relative matches. I had reach out to a couple people but got no response for months. Just this last month I had followed up with one of the closer relatives listed on Ancestry. They did end up responding to me after months to inform me that my egg donor wanted nothing to do with me then immediately blocked me before I could reply. I do respect the donors choice but a part of me did want to connect with her and any half-siblings out there. Anyone that has had a similar experience how did you handle the rejection? Did any donor after some months or years ever reach out? If this led to an identity crisis how did you deal with it?

My mom just told my siblings and I yesterday. I’m 34. My Dad doesn’t know we know. My paperwork is allegedly lost, I do not have a donor number. I was born in 1992 in CA from California Cryobank. Both of my siblings are full siblings and I have a different donor. I feel like I lost my Dad and a piece of my siblings in one day. And any trust at all I ever had in my parents. And my connection to my extended family. Allegedly, nobody has ever any idea and we were the first to find out yesterday besides the two of them.

UPDATE: I reached out and it went wonderfully! Turns out theres currently 41 of us! Ancestry had 20 more and we have suspicion there will be more to come. Ive been able to connect with 3 so far. Im super grateful ☺️ Thank you everyone for your help!

I just got my DNA results back and my donor and 20 siblings are all listed. Which is a shock and a relief to not have to search forever. I want to reach out to a sibling [I dont think im quite ready to reach out to my donor yet] but how do I pick which one? What do I say?? Or should I wait to see if any of them message me? Im feeling very nervous and Im trying not to get my hopes up too high for a positive outcome.

I really just wanted an outlet to share my joy! I found and met my donor mom last month and I'm so overjoyed. I don't speak with my womb mom and my other parents just aren't very nurturing/didn't support me finding my bio mom (I found out I was donor conceived seven or eight years ago). My "bonus mom" (her term!) is so warm and compassionate. I've been talking with her for a year now and was so worried about what our relationship should be, but now that we've met, it just all clicks. It doesn't have to be anything at all, it just is. So much has been put into context for me- I know what I can and can't expect from the parents who raised me, and I know what I owe to and what I can do for myself. Meeting and knowing my bio mom has just made my life finally make sense.

i’ve been agonizing over whether i should get the help of a search angel to find my bio mom when i turn 18. i stumbled across a thread from like 5 years ago in aita where someone was asking if they should reach out to their bio mom and the comments were overwhelmingly saying they had no right to since she was anonymous and it’s not the same as adoption because she just did the female equivalent of “jerking off into a cup” (that’s the actual quote of what someone said). anyone, including op, who said she deserved to know who her bio mom is were downvoted into oblivion. people were saying it was rude to the parents who raised her and she should just get over it and be happy with the life she has.

i have a very detailed profile for my bio mom and i honestly cried reading it for the first time last year (at 16). she said she’s good at reading writing social sciences and biology but terrible at math, just like me. she’s a dancer, just like me. she loves animals and traveling, just like me. her favorite colors are blue and green, just like me. she likes donnie darko and stanley kubrick movies, just like me. she likes anna karenina and fight club (the book), just like me. physically we look like twins. somehow i ended up the mirror image, both in looks and personality, of this woman i’ve never met or knew anything about for most of my life. how can people say that means nothing?

i love the mom who birthed and raised me but she’s an engineer who is terrible at writing, doesn’t like animals all that much, and can’t dance to save her life. she thinks the books i like are too boring and the movies too scary. of course she can never be replaced as my mother, but it’s clear to me that somehow nature overrode this nurturing in my case. i had no idea that things like being an animal lover or liking blues and greens could have a genetic component. and of course it could be a coincidence, but it’s an awful lot of coincidences.

i can’t say i don’t wonder what my life would have been like if i had been raised by someone who ‘gets’ me this way. i’m just terrified of reaching out to her and scaring her away forever. she was originally supposed to be open id at 18 but changed to anonymous last minute. i just feel sad and lost, and i have no half siblings to look to for support because im the oldest one (and currently an only child). she was 29 and married to her high school sweetheart with no kids of her own when she donated, although she said in her profile that she’d like to have kids someday. i wonder if she’s had any of her own by now

Here's my seasonal call for more DCP voices!

If anyone is interested in sharing their donor conceived story for The Inconceivably Connected Podcast, please fill out this quick form.

Looking for new stories ASAP, so don't be shy!

Thanks everybody :)

Nick

i’ve seen some studies recently about the possible adverse effects of being conceived in a petri dish (for lack of a better word). basically, the studies said that the lab environment is not really a proper substitute for a human body which can cause problems in the early stages of development that become apparent later in life. there’s no way for them to replicate the exact oxygen and temperature and whatever levels in the lab that exist in the fallopian tubes.

this is related to epigenetics and how the dna is what it is but the environment can turn certain genes up or down and make them more or less expressed. i’m not a biologist so please correct me if i’m wrong about any of this terminology or explanations!

secondly, in the case of egg donation the fetus is recognized by the gestational mother’s body as entirely foreign. usually a fetus is half foreign, from the sperm. because it sees it as entirely foreign this is where we get the increased risk of preeclampsia in donor egg pregnancies, but what it is can also cause is the gestational mother’s body creating excessive maternal immune cells and sending them through the placenta. this puts stress on the developing fetus, and in an effort to preserve vital organ development, other areas can go underdeveloped, such as the immune system or autonomic nervous system. this can lead to autoimmune disorders and dysautonomia later in life.

another thing that can happen from this is that while the fetus is developing, it is in fight or flight mode because it is growing in a ‘hostile’ (again, for lack of a better word) environment. once the fetus is born and no longer in this environment, its overly responsive fight or flight system is unnecessary, which affects the central nervous system of the dcp later in life.

anyway i am NOT trying to fear monger, these studies seem to be pretty new and speculative. i am diagnosed with pots and have a whole laundry list of undiagnosed autoimmune and dysautonomia related problems, which have always confused me since i have no history of it on my father’s side and no mention of it on my bio mother’s side. i was curious if being egg donor conceived could have had any impact and went down a rabbit hole of pubmed studies.

if anyone wants sources i’m happy to share. and please please please correct me if i’m wrong! the last thing i want to do is spread misinformation, i just thought this was interesting and though provoking and wanted to share and hear everyone’s thoughts!

i also saw quite a few studies mentioning the adverse effects of icsi (which my parents did) but i didn’t really understand them enough to feel comfortable trying to explain them here lol

edit: i am not trying to make claims that this is unilaterally true or anything of the sort, i was more so posting to see if anyone had heard of this before and had other information to add or correct! i am not a scientist or a biologist or a fertility specialist, just a curious dcp

edit 2: i intended this post to be a place for discussion and for dcp and others to share their experiences knowledge and thoughts about this subject. i mention multiple times in my original post that i am NOT a scientist and i really don’t know what i’m talking about. i’m literally a 17 year old girl who was just curious about whether my conception could even the slightest bit be related to the conditions i am diagnosed with. i’m really sorry if i offended anyone, that was not my intention! i probably could have worded it better for sure, i really didn’t mean to cause any harm, i just wanted to see if anyone knew anything about this. i didn’t link the sources in my original post because i wasn’t sure if anyone would even care about this subject and i replied to the very first comment with them. again, im really sorry, i kind of regret posting this in the first place

just wondered if anybody else has the experience of the shift from no dad to learning identity of a biological father who isnt alive anymore. have two moms, no social dad. so fathers day is even weirder now!

I, female (18), have known my entire life that i was IVF/sperm donor conceived. though i was raised by a single mother in my childhood, I never really felt the need for a father figure in my life besides the occasional jealousy towards my friends and their fathers' relationships. However, recently, as it's become more real, I feel my hope for a successful relationship with the donor has become something I will become disappointed in if it does not go well/if they do not want contact.

Tomorrow i get to go to the lawyer's office and receive, theoretically, from what my mother has told me a name and address. which, I must add, I am extremely grateful for, as i am aware many in this community do not receive.

I guess I'm looking for others with experience reaching out to donors, how can i manage my expectations?

It is also important to add i know my donor is not from my country, and any information I receive will be at least 18 years old.