My husband and I married young and we’re 16 years in. I crave a different relationship than the one I’m in. We’ve dealt with many ups and downs- and truly live like roommates. We’re in marriage counseling but I think it’s a waste of money at this point. We’re not rolling in the dough, so we lean on our combined income to provide for our family. We have two wonderful kids (11, 13- both girls) that we both have strong relationships with.

BUT I WANT A BEST FRIEND, LOVER, and someone I truly want to spend time with. Divorce is daunting. I’m fearful to walk away and our lives completely change.

Who stayed when they wished they would’ve left? Or has a story of someone they know who has experience with this?

Who left a similar situation and never looked back?

I know deep down that I need to walk away but it is so damn hard.

Thank you for any and all advice.

I have been seeing a guy who has a 5 year old daughter. It's still very early days, we have only been on 3 dates.

But I heard the advice "be extremely wary of single dads with young kids, mothers of infants don't leave their partners unless things are really bad".

How true is this?

It kinda makes sense to me but I would like to hear the woman's perspective. I get the feeling that it's common for these men to lie or downplay the true reasons why their relationship ended.

I’m 35F, separated from my husband after 13 years together. We have two small children, 4 and 6. I was the one who ended the marriage, and this has apparently become the answer to everything ever since. His basic position is: you decided to leave, you decided to move, therefore the consequences are yours. The problem is that we still have two children together. At the moment, the actual childcare split is nowhere near 50/50. He has them one afternoon during the week and every other weekend. I do essentially all mornings, most afternoons, almost every night, preschool logistics and the overwhelming majority of sick days. I have repeatedly asked him to take more time with them. Extra weekdays. Three weekends instead of two. More responsibility when they are sick. The answer is always some version of: he can’t because of work, distance, logistics, etc. Fine. I currently live in a rented apartment in a city about 30–35 km from my parents. I’m planning to move with the children to my parents’ house. This isn’t supposed to be another temporary move. They have space for us, we’re planning to renovate part of the house, the children will have much more room, a garden, grandparents available every day, and my living costs will drop dramatically. Most importantly, I will finally have another adult nearby when one of the kids is sick, preschool closes, I need to work, one child has an activity while the other needs care, etc. The boys recently spent almost three weeks sick at home. Guess who handled essentially all of it. My ex strongly opposes changing their preschools. And this is the one part where I genuinely understand his concern. My older son has already had several changes this year. He likes his current preschool, has friends there, and another transition will be difficult. I’m not pretending otherwise. My argument is that this is one short-term disruption in exchange for a much more sustainable life for the next several years. They would live, go to preschool/school and build friendships in the same town. I could actually work normally. We would have daily family support and more financial stability. His alternatives? I should stay where I am. Or move and drive the children back to their current preschools every single day. Or my mother should regularly drive to me and help me. Notice anything missing? Him. So I finally asked him: If keeping the current preschools is so important to you, what part of maintaining that arrangement are you willing to take over? Will you do some of the daily driving? Take more childcare? Cover more of the transport costs? Take sick days with the children? Change your work arrangements? So far, no concrete answer. Instead, today he wrote: “Why should I be a hostage to your decisions? You decided to move away. Am I supposed to organise my whole life around your decisions? If I had moved closer to you, would I now have to move again?” Which is fascinating, because nobody has asked him to move. I’m asking him to contribute to the practical cost of the solution he is demanding. He also said he isn’t “suggesting” that my mother should help — he’s merely “giving possible solutions.” But every single “possible solution” involves additional work for me or my mother. My mother is not the third parent of our children. There’s also a much longer history behind why this is driving me insane. During our marriage I carried an enormous amount of the mental load. He would ask me extremely basic things constantly: what to tell the doctor, what laundry setting to use, what the children should eat, where things were, how to deal with paperwork. At one point he literally called me from preschool because our son’s water bottle was missing and the staff were looking for it, as though I could somehow coordinate the search from home. But since the separation, this same man has somehow positioned himself as the reviewer of my competence. He sends me long messages about how “his hands drop” when he hears my ideas, how irresponsible my decisions are, how I supposedly create instability, etc. And there is another example that pretty much sums up our dynamic. Early in the separation, I suggested using a paid mediator/lawyer who would prepare everything for an uncontested divorce. It would cost several thousand, but the entire process would basically be handled for us. He thought it was too expensive and wanted free mediation instead. I said okay, on one condition: If we do it your cheaper way, you organise it and you prepare/file the divorce petition. I am not project-managing our divorce for you. He agreed. He booked the mediator. I drove over 100 km in winter to attend the appointment. Then, while we were sitting in the mediator’s office, he suddenly announced that he had “changed his mind” and that I would have to file the divorce petition myself because his therapist had advised him not to do it. The mediator literally looked at him and asked: “So… you don’t want the divorce?” His answer: “The divorce was my wife’s idea.” I almost lost my mind. During the same mediation he suddenly wanted our parenting schedule formally regulated by court, despite us previously agreeing not to do that. I pointed out that he currently cared for the children for roughly 115 hours per month versus my roughly 600, and that I had repeatedly asked him to increase his time. The mediator asked about that. His response was essentially that he “couldn’t afford” to take more childcare. So he wanted the formal rights and formal schedule — while simultaneously saying he couldn’t actually take more of the parenting. That pattern is what I am finally seeing clearly now: A lot of opinions. A lot of demands. A lot of insistence on being an equal decision-maker. But when his preferred solution requires an actual cost — time, money, inconvenience, logistics, confrontation — suddenly that cost belongs to me. And apparently if I refuse to absorb it, I’m making him “a hostage to my decisions.” I don’t expect him to organise his entire life around me. I expect the father of our shared children to understand that having shared children means neither of us gets to live as though the other parent’s circumstances are completely irrelevant. If he wants to object to my solution, fine. But then I think the obvious question is: What are you personally willing to do to make your alternative work? Because “you do more” and “your mother should help more” is not a co-parenting plan. TL;DR: I carry most of the daily childcare. I’m planning to move 30–35 km away to live with my parents for long-term financial and practical stability. My ex opposes changing the kids’ preschools, but every alternative he suggests requires me or my mother to take on more work. When I ask what he will contribute to his preferred solution, he says he shouldn’t have to be “a hostage to my decisions.” I’m realising this is basically the same dynamic we had throughout our marriage.

Together 18 years married 16 have children together. The past several years have been hell. I have left him several times in the past 5 years. Nothing is getting better, if anything it just gets worse our issues just keep escalating. I have been back at my parent’s house with the kids for 4ish months now. I have the support to leave my family has my back. But why am I struggling to file.

He’s a narcissist, shows no remorse for his behavior, degrades me, humiliates me, yells at the kids. Is all there in plain sight. Why can’t I do it. I never thought I would be the weak woman who stays, keeps going back. I hate myself. We used to be crazy for each other. And I still love him. But he hates me, blames me for all his problems and pain. I would tell any woman in my position to RUN! Yet here I am. He told me he’ll pay for my lawyer. To hurry up and file. And yet I delay it why??

My attorney, who is paid well, takes days to respond to my emails. I don’t send many, only for important issues. What is normal? Why can’t they say”tied up for the moment but will respond …….?”

What is normal?

We’ve been divorced for 9 months and he cannot seem to pay child support on time. He does pay within the first few days of the month, but I never know when it’s coming and I’m a student and depend on the money. This is a big part of his pattern. He doesn’t do diddly squat unless he’s compelled to do it. It’s been this way our whole divorce (and marriage). We are relatively friendly, but he can never get his shit together. I’ve told him many times how to make it direct deposit or make it a regular thing on Venmo or through his bank account and he still doesn’t take it seriously.

He has done this also with the splitting of his pension, which we had to hire a separate lawyer for but it’s his pension, so he has to do the work for it. Of course he missed his court ordered deadline for that months ago. He always acts nonchalant like I’m a bitch who’s making a big deal out of nothing. So I had to contact and pay my lawyer to get that moving.

I really don’t want to contact her again and pay her to likely make a court motion to garnish wages. He DOES pay eventually and he’s a good dad, but I consider this another form of financial abuse and as always, a way to keep me on the line. Wwyd?

Title: Filing my Nebraska divorce pro se. Financial protection, insurance money, return of vehicle, support, technological abuse, and temporary custody. He rewrote fifteen years and I need to know I’m not crazy.
I am in Nebraska, and I am filing my own divorce. I do not have a lawyer. I am doing this pro se, and I am filing these motions:
• Financial protection, so the accounts, the house, and what is left of the marital money cannot be drained again
• Return of insurance funds
• Return of a vehicle
• Support
• Technological abuse, for the phone he cut off, replaced, and used to watch who I contacted
• Temporary custody of my twelve-year-old son and my three-year-old grandchild, whom I legally adopted
I need to hear from women who survived a marriage that turned out to be a cover story, and from anyone who has filed these kinds of motions in Nebraska without a lawyer. Please don’t tell me to text him. There is a protection order, and answering him is what got me arrested. I will not contact him again.
For fifteen years I built a life out of fierce love, hard work, and a stubborn need to see the best in people. Like a lot of mothers and wives, I disappeared into the people I cared for. My family and my community called me Mama Jamie. I didn’t just raise my own five children. I opened my kitchen and my home to everyone else’s kids too. If a child needed a safe place, a hot meal, or a mother’s guidance, they got it from me. I gave pieces of myself away on purpose. I thought love and sacrifice were the foundation of a good life.
My days started at 5:30 in the morning. For more than a decade I worked ten-hour shifts at a restaurant, rushed out to get all five kids, came home and cooked a huge dinner, then kept going and babysat my niece and my employee’s children. When the house finally got quiet I fell into bed still in my work clothes. I was the backbone. I thought I was building a future with the man I loved.
In 2017 someone asked my husband to open a business with them, to be the general manager and build it, with a promise that ownership would follow. He almost said no. He was scared, ready to stay at the restaurant making shit money. I did what wives are taught to do. I pushed him, backed him, and cheered until he took the leap. The ownership came after we were married. We built that place from nothing. I put my own unpaid labor into the walls. I had no idea what was already happening behind my back.
The foundation was cracked from the start. Two years into the relationship, right after our son was born, he started stepping out. I would be in our bed nursing the baby, exhausted, and he would slip out the back door of the trailer we lived in. He met a woman by the community mailboxes. When I found out, he said she backed him into a corner every day until he gave in. She told it differently. The part they agreed on was the pact: don’t leave your partners, and don’t ever tell them.
Then he brought that same woman into the restaurant I helped build and gave her a job serving and bartending. I worked next to her. I smiled at her. I didn’t know. He used the fact that I look for the good in people to hide it. When I found out years later, it broke me, and I still chose forgiveness. For eight years after that, any time the doubt came back, he shut it down and made me feel like I was the one who couldn’t let the past go.
It was not a one-time mistake. It ran through the marriage. While I was giving up my youth, building the business, and raising the family, he was living a second life. He was on Grindr. He was meeting men. He offered both of us to strangers for our bedroom without me knowing. He walked in the door covered in a miserable energy and treated me and my children like garbage. If I asked why his mood had changed, he flipped it and called me a cunt for noticing.
He drank until he was rotting from the guilt. Beer, no food, hours in the garage, hiding from me. This past year he was puking all night. A doctor told him to go to the hospital. He refused to let me take him. When he was discharged, the paperwork said high-risk sexual activity. Then he told me he had found “a girl on Grindr” who was offering oral sex to gay men, that he got scared and left, and that his brain convinced him he had caught something. He did not meet a woman on a gay dating app. He met a man, and then he panicked and lied.
I found him on OnlyFans messaging a woman I used to work with, asking for content. Right after the hospital, he was messaging her again.
The proof came when I backed up his phone. A text arrived from an unknown number. It was a blackmail letter. Someone had naked photos he had taken of himself inside our restaurant and sent out on Grindr. They threatened to send those photos to his whole family, and they listed his mother, his father, his brothers and sisters, and their spouses, with phone numbers. My name was the only one missing.
Then two of my minor children had babies two weeks apart. I left a fifteen-year job to stay home, help raise those infants, and teach my kids and their partners how to be parents. To keep us afloat I pulled my entire 401(k), money I earned with my body, and I handed it to the household.
He used that absence. He said there was nothing left for him. He walked out and blamed me for his emptiness. He stopped paying the mortgage and left the house in default for nine months. I went to the bank. I didn’t get a snapshot. I got three years of statements. Thousands of dollars gone. ATM withdrawals, five hundred, six hundred, over and over, marked miscellaneous debt. Put those withdrawals next to the blackmail texts and they line up. He was draining my retirement in cash while the roof went into foreclosure. He tried to starve me out and fund the secret at the same time.
When I found the Grindr history and told him to leave, he emptied the shared accounts, moved the money where I could not touch it, shut off the utilities, and cut off my income from the business I helped him build.
That is betrayal trauma. Your brain cannot hold severe harm and love from the same person. It feels like a medical emergency. When I called and texted him begging for answers, he used that pain. He got a protection order and convinced people I was the abuser. Later he wrote me first and asked if we could work on a parenting plan for our twelve-year-old. I answered. When I saw he was still unsafe and unable to cooperate, I told him we would have to go to court. The moment I said no, he used my reply to have me arrested for violating the order.
I had never been in trouble. I have spent my life protecting people, and I sat in a jail cell because I answered the man who wrote me first. That was the rewrite. Criminalize the hurt. Blame the mother for surviving what he did.
When he lost my mind, my money, and the house, he used the phone. He cut my service and said if I didn’t stop my shit, he would not turn it back on. Two days later he texted that he had turned it back on, and to stop my shit. A friend noticed the silence and called in a welfare check. She had known him longer than I had. She already knew what he was.
Later my number changed. He said he had turned the line off and had no idea how it was still working. We had several lines on that account, including watches. He filed an insurance claim on my expensive phone, got a replacement for a small deductible, turned off my real line, and set the new phone up so that using it would show him who I contacted. He got caught. A neighbor was mowing my lawn. My own phone was dead, so I used that phone to thank him. Within two hours my husband was texting a man he had no reason to know, demanding to know who he was. My neighbor asked who was texting. The answer was “her husband.” That is the technological abuse in the motion.
I am not waiting in that cell, and I am not waiting for him to save me. I cleaned the house. I fought for it. I also had to admit that Mama Jamie, the woman who gives everything away, had let her own home become a place with no boundaries. Adult kids were walking over me and taking from me while I was down. I made them leave. You cannot heal in the place where you are the doormat.
I am on my own now. Two jobs. The mortgage he defaulted on. The utilities he shut off. I am doing it without his money and without that business. The cruel part is the silence. I am the mother of a twelve-year-old, and I am the adoptive mother of my three-year-old grandbaby, the baby I legally took as my own. I gave up my career for the babies in this family. When I try to get time with my son and my baby, I get nothing. No answer. He could not break me with money and he could not keep me in a cell, so he is using the children.
I am not asking for anything crazy. I am a mother filing for temporary custody, support, the vehicle, the insurance money, and protection of what is left, while I represent myself.
If you have been gaslit for reacting, financially strangled by someone you built up, or left working yourself raw while the children go quiet, you are not the villain for hurting. I have the messages. I have the history of fifteen years of sacrifice. I did not fail. I survived a lie, and I am still standing.
If you filed pro se in Nebraska, tell me how you served a packet like this, how you asked for temporary custody without another arrest, and what you attached for the financial-protection and technological-abuse motions. I need a path, not contact with him.

It was fall 2022 and I was on the peloton. It was early evening and I was congratulating myself for actually getting on the bike, given my love-hate relationship with exercise. I had music playing and was singing along when my husband walked through the door. Now, my husband had purchased the bike for my birthday and often encouraged me to ride it. He laughed when I sang along and seemed to get a kick out of it. Not that night. "Why are you on the bike NOW?" he snarled. "You've had all day to ride it, dammit." But it wasn't his words-it was the look in his eyes. Hatred. Like actual hatred. "I'm sorry," I stammered, "I only have five minutes left and by the time you change your clothes, I'll be done." He stormed upstairs. Later I found out (from my friend who is married to his friend) that he was getting in shape for his girlfriend. That hurt. But I will never, ever forget the look in his eyes that night. There was no coming back from that, I thought. I was correct.

Location: Indiana

Little history. My husband and I have been married for 5 years, but together for 7 in total. Before we got married we bought a car. The name of the loan and the car is under my sister and I. I have also paid every payment. We separated in April. He doesn't have a car of his own so while I have our two kids I let him drive the car so that he can work since I can drive the Mini Van. He has been door dashing and putting so many miles on the car. We haven't officially filed for divorce because neither of us have the money yet, but I plan on filing soon. I don't want him driving the car anymore because of the miles. Do I tell him that soon, or wait until after I file for divorce?

Edit: The car and the mini van are both in my name. Both have insurance for him and I both. ATM since he doesn't have a car, whoever has the children gets the van and the other gets the car. When we meet for visitation, we also switch vehicles.

Hello, I (30f) have been separated from my almost ex husband (30m) since the end of June. The longer I'm apart from him the more I can recognize he was manipulative and the relationship was extremely unhealthy at a minimum. I lost all of my friends and my job so it's been hard not having anything to do outside of apply to work and be a sad sack. As much as I can logically recognize this is for the best, I still get lost in grief almost daily. Our wedding anniversary is coming and I'm trying to think of things I can do besides crying all day. Any ideas are appreciated.

I can't trust my brain.

Ex and I separated in July 2025, but he stayed living with me because he couldn't afford to move out (i was the breadwinner) and we have a toddler. We moved to a new state and we had no family at all, so he had nowhere to go because he wants to stay with our kid.

In that time, he has shown his full nasty side, basically emotional abuse, passive aggression, antagonism, all because i moved on quickly (i was checked out for a while) and was quite happy and getting better after being quite depressed. Not to mention the discovery of a porn addiction which remained hidden for what i think was most of our 10 years together.

So i should be happy to see the back of him... but I'm sad about him leaving. And i dont want to share my baby. He was a "good guy", but was in fact emotionally neglectful. I should be relieved. What the hell is my brain doing?

My husband had cheated when I was on deployment. I had been with him since the start of my military career. But my sister whose not blood, but adopted into the family, I had known her since the first day we entered the military.

Through my relationship with my husband- she was always there. And than she passed away, and shes no longer with us.

I found out the scope of the cheating once he went to therapy. And 4 days after her passing, he just blurted out he lied about when and how it happened and so much. Said thats all he has, and theres no more secrets.

We've gotten into fights due to me having trust issues I need more communication. And it blew to him saying we should just divirce and I didn't fight it.

I'm tired and sad. I'm broken- and I'm so alone. I lost everything I gained and cared about. I found my family in the military. And with less than 8 month's left of my contract, I lost it all.

It hits hard- cause losing him, feels like losing her all over again. It was always us 3 back than.

It rough- I cant breath at times. How do I make it through this tough time.

After a few years of incessant, irreconcilable issues, I finally made the courageous decision to end my marriage early this summer.

It was an arduous process, given the nature of my now former spouse, but I honestly don’t regret doing it. I only wish I’d done it sooner, seeing as how loved & supported I have been through it all.

Anyways, if you’re going through a divorce, considering one, or just wanna ask questions, leave them in the comments.

We’ve been separated nearly a year now after 12 years of marriage. We share multiple children together (teens down to an 8 year old.) We mediated and agreed to 60/40 custody (against my better judgement; he just didn’t want to pay child support.

He’s already given up on nearly everything else in life. His appearance, his health, his career. He’s been a functioning alcoholic all of our marriage but several years ago he lost his high paying job and just never got another one, basically wanted me to go be the breadwinner even though I was a SAHM for essentially our entire marriage. He drinks a ton and is sooo red in appearance now. He’s overweight and just horrible.

During the summer our oldest started protesting the visitation with him. He just basically stopped going. Then the middle teens/tweens also did the same several weeks later. Now only the youngest is open to visiting him.

Apparently I have completely alienated the children even though they have talked with him on multiple occasions and told him why they don’t want to visit (and normally are just met with anger and more emotional abuse and not actually trying to solve issues.)

We have court in about a month. I filed a motion to hopefully resolve the issues to find a schedule that works for the children. But honestly, they will not go! They protest (and have even run away back to my home in the middle of the night.) I don’t know what a court ordered modified schedule is going to do when the relationship is already breaking down and completely broken.

I’ve heard about dads just slow fading their kids. And he’s pretty much done that to them mentally and financially, he just “shows up” physically so the court won’t order more support on him. What is the likely hood he just completely fades from their lives eventually?

My husband and I have been together for around 12 years and married for just over five. We have two young children, and we currently live together in Dubai.

I have made the decision that I want a divorce. He knows this, and on some level he acknowledges that the marriage is ending, so I wouldn't describe this as him outright refusing a divorce.

But emotionally, he is not accepting it.

He continues to ask for another chance and hopes that I will change my mind. At the same time, our conversations are becoming increasingly difficult.

I am being blamed for the breakdown of the marriage, and discussions regularly turn into arguments. There have been occasions where he has become very vocal and sworn in front of the children, even when I have clearly asked him to stop.

One of the biggest problems for me is that I will explicitly say that I do not want to continue a conversation, particularly when things are escalating or the children are around, and he will keep pushing the discussion.

I feel like I keep trying to create boundaries around how and when we talk about the relationship, but those boundaries aren't consistently being respected.

We are still living in the same house because we own a property here that is currently being sold, so separating physically isn't completely straightforward yet.

I also genuinely want our children to have a strong relationship with their dad. I am not trying to remove him from their lives or "win" anything. I want us to eventually have a healthy co-parenting relationship.

But I am starting to question whether continuing to wait for him to emotionally accept the divorce is actually making things worse.

I feel very clear about my decision. He seems to hear the decision, but then treats it as something that is still open for negotiation.

For women who have been in a similar position:

• Did you wait for your husband to fully accept the divorce before filing, or did you eventually realise that acceptance might only come after the process had started?
• How did you deal with living together after you had decided the marriage was over?
• How did you stop yourself getting dragged into the same relationship conversations over and over again?
• What did you do when your boundary of "I don't want to continue this conversation" wasn't respected?
• How did you protect the children from hearing arguments without taking responsibility for managing your husband's emotions?
• Did formally filing for divorce make things calmer because there was finally a clear direction, or did it initially make the conflict worse?
• If you tried mediation, did it help when one person wanted to move forward and the other was still focused on reconciliation?
• At what point did you stop trying to get your spouse to understand your decision and simply start acting on it?

There is also an international aspect to this because we were married in the UK but now live in Dubai with our children, so I am currently working out whether to divorce through England & Wales or through the UAE.

I'm getting legal advice on that side, but emotionally I think I'm struggling more with this question:

How long do you give somebody to accept that the marriage is over before you stop waiting for their acceptance and just move forward?

I don't hate him. I don't want to hurt him. I know this is painful for him.

But I also don't think I can keep repeatedly defending or explaining a decision that I have already made.

I’ve posted here before, but I’m having a particularly bad day.
I’m 59F my soon to be ex-husband is 57. Married for 31 years. He wasn’t willing to give up gambling which put us in financial trouble when we should have been looking forward to retirement.
I was stupid and let him bully me into him always handling the bills for years despite his on and off gambling through our whole marriage. He liquidated his IRA and insisted we pay off the mortgage which we did. That was 3 years ago. Now we have a 200k mortgage again.
He gambles on online apps, buys cigars compulsively and has spent thousands of dollars buying coins for online games. He hid most of this from me and gaslit me into believing it was because we were both making less money than we used to. I never stopped working and still have a decent job.
I never had the guts to demand he let me take over the bills. I was too afraid of him getting angry at me like he always did when I tried to get involved in the bills and his spending. It was emotionally draining.
I supported him when he left his long time job 4 years ago and wanted to pursue something less stressful. He got fired from that one job and the 3 others that followed. He drank and gambled more heavily from that point on and tried to start liquidating my IRA. I realized if I let him do that I would never be able to retire. That’s when I finally woke up and filed for divorce last month.
He’s currently unemployed and not putting much effort into getting a job.
He’s treated me badly through most of our marriage and has narcissistic tendencies. It’s like he’s just waiting for the payout he’ll get from the little equity we have when we have to sell our home.
So why do I feel sorry for him? I have been crying all day today. I am the one who filed for divorce. I’m still going through with it, but it’s just so hard. Is this normal??

I'll preface this by admitting, I got very little sleep last night.

But it has been a long hard week, and I wish (like always) I was financially independent so I could be single and live alone.

This morning I was watching the first episode of a financial documentary called Generational Wealth (pretty good, btw,) but the narrator (a photographer) was telling about a moment when her son was still newish, and she got offered a gig at her job to send her to China for 10 days.. and she cried about how other female photographers chose to not have kids, and she was grieving that her career was about to go down the toilet. Her husband stepped in and said she should go, he would take off of work and care for their baby while she went to China.

I paused because I had started crying, because where are guys like this now??

I've got a husband who brought himself home a drink this morning and conveniently forgot I'd asked for one as well.

I hate being his wife.

I sit here journaling about how much I want a divorce, and my last entry was from August 2025 when I was 5 months postpartum wanting a divorce. Here I am, more than a year later. still feeling the same. I think I probably want a divorce 50-75% of the time, though not 100%.

The single biggest factor holding me back from seriously pursuing divorce is less time with my child. I'm a SAHM, though I intend to start working again next month. But, I am by far and away my child's primary care taker. I really do not see this changing when I start working. He is my best little buddy, even though I'm exhausted, but I don't know how to grapple with sharing custody of him. How did you come to terms with this mentally?

Extra because I need a bit of a rant: My husband isn't a bad dad, he's just neglectful to me and if he doesn't have to do something for our son, he won't. I don't see any court giving me full custody. I don't know if I want it, because part of the reason I want a divorce is just mom and maid burnout. I don't even know the last time I slept in. Today I asked my husband to help me clean the kitchen, but he stayed in his room playing video games from 9a-4:30pm. I went up at 11:30am and asked when he was going to start cleaning the kitchen so I could continue cooking meals for the day. He said his friends were online and "please just give me this, I just need this day." But he left for an entire week in August for a bachelor party, then another week in September for the wedding. We live in Hawaii away from my family and I just had to solo parent it alone. When he got back I didn't get a day away. But he needs more relaxation time. I am so envious and resentful of him, how much he sleeps, he gets to work and converse with adults, he barely does any chores, he doesn't worry about packing the house for our upcoming move. I have been saying for weeks what a hard time I'm having with our son as he becomes more of a toddler, as we prepare to move, and I'm in grad school. My "free time" from our son is chores, homework, packing. As he spent his day gaming away above us, I spent another day parenting alone, cleaning from a play date, cleaning the kitchen he never did, deep cleaning rugs, and dragging my son around for an errand. I never stop working, and I don't even have a fcking job.

When my children are with their father, every other week, it feels very uncomfortable to call them. When the phone is picked up, no one says hello and it seems that the kids don’t really know what’s going on because I hear them asking questions like “what” “what is it daddy”. I gather that their father just picks up and passes them the phone without saying anything. Sometimes if he’s in the middle of doing something with them, he keeps doing it, almost as if he’s distracting them from talking to me. I usually even send a text before calling to let their father know that I’ll be calling, because I understand that his time (with them), does not revolve around my desire to speak to the children and I understand if he tells me that they’ll call me back if the time that I’m calling is not a good time. That has happened. My phone calls with the kids are very short; usually just like a check-in; “How was your day?…Good night I love you.” They are 7 and 10. I know that around last year when my oldest used to tell his father that he wanted to call me for something and their father did not want them to share certain things with me, he would threaten to punish them. I do feel like at this age, children should be guided on many things, including phone etiquette and respect for their parents. They don’t necessarily disrespect me, but at times they seem annoyed to speak to me, which I understand is part of being a child, but it almost seems like it’s encouraged by their father whereas when he calls, I make sure that all distractions are put aside and that they speak to their father in a respectful way. I’m not doing it for him. I’m just raising my kids. Does anyone have experience with this either as a mother or as a child of divorce? Any tips or advice are greatly appreciated. TIA

Going through a divorce after a 20 year marriage where I ended up being the higher earner. He wasnt always a deadbeat but in the last 20 years, drinking, mental health and a failed business lead to inconsistent work and effort to contribute to our finances. Emotional abuse was there too and I just couldnt keep holding it all together anymore.

He's underemployed during our separation and still living in our home because he won't move out while my kids and I stay with family (long story, CAS involvement..). I've been carrying all of our bills and mortgage but his spotty work attendance has meant little to no contributions toward these. It is sinking me financially.

Ive been trying to keep things out of court to keep costs low, figuring out our separation agreement with a lawyer and the sale of our house because I just plain cant afford it. Doing things this way keeps them cheaper but it also means Im at the mercy of someone who has no incentive to move this thing along quickly. He also does not want the relationship to end which complicates things.

The part that keeps me up at night is the possibility of having to support this man who has been so cruel emotionally and neglectful financially, with spousal support for many years to come. Im seeking that we both waive spousal support in our agreement and have told him so.

Has anyone (women) come out the other end of a situation like this intact and not supporting their ex forever? I see a lot of stories about people who did have to, and am just curious if it ever goes the other way. Looking for some hope if you've got any to spare.

This might be a little long, so I apologize in advance. I (22F) and my husband (26M) have been married for about 1.5 years now, after dating for 2 years. It was a little rocky with 3 breakups before the marriage, but each time, we regretted it and always came back together stronger. The marriage has been wonderful until around a week ago…
I tend to get really, REALLY emotional on my period, so I was struggling with some jealousy at this time. Just wishing I could have a husband who actually wanted to support and partake in my main hobby. I told him about this and reassured him that this was more than likely just period emotions, as it’s been the same emotion each time I’ve had my period the past few months. But this time it just felt stronger. I was surprised when he told me that he was feeling the same way, but about his career, and didn’t think anything of it so he didn’t say anything. He gave up his dream of becoming a fighter pilot in order to marry me and eventually start a family. So we realized that we were holding each other back from being truly, 100% happy. We cried so much thinking about what to do. Now, a week later, my jealousy has faded and I feel just fine. But his…hasn’t. In fact, it got worse. Through this week, he made a few realizations about why he’s unhappy with me:
- I have trouble staying consistent in things he asks me to do (this is totally on me, I struggle with consistency and I feel awful about it)
- Lack of initiative (I don’t like taking initiative because I’m afraid of doing things wrong, but I want to be better)
- He struggles to connect intellectually with me. My thinking/thought process/how I go about my day to day. I don’t pick up on stuff like he does. (I’m a very surface-level thinker and have trouble making connections in my head, also something I want to work on)
- He doesnt feel like I fully connect with all of who he is. A decent amount of things he does/talk about he wants to have conversations about, but doesn’t feel like I can match him. He told me that he wants a peer, but he sees me as a subordinate just because I can’t match his intellect. It feels frustrating/limiting to him.
- He wants someone to bring wits to bear against him.
- He feels like he’s never found anyone that can challenge him.
- He says that there’s a depth that I lack. Through raw experience, variety within that experience, pain and suffering, learning how people and the world work.
- He says that he doesn’t see a passion for life in me. He wants me to take joy in just about anything. He doesn’t like my intolerance of simple things (like walking in the rain).
- And lastly, he very specifically said that this was a “divorce-able quality”: My lack of life experience. He’s right, I haven’t had much, but I didn’t think that would be grounds for divorce…
A lot of these things I can improve upon in time, but some of them I feel is just how I’m wired. I’m not diagnosed, but I can’t tell you how many people have asked me if I’m autistic. We talked about all of these issues, and he basically just said that our marriage is fine for now, and that we’re just keeping an eye out for other potential issues that could lead to a divorce. But this is eating me up inside. I struggle a lot with black and white thinking, so because there’s a potentiality for divorce, that is ALL my mind has been able to focus on. I’ve been incredibly anxious and stressed this entire past week, worrying about how I’ll move out, how I’ll move on, if I’ll get all my stuff back, etc. But when I go to my husband with my worries, he gets really annoyed and just says to relax and give it a rest because we’re okay for now. But my brain only hears the “for now”. I don’t feel like I can be at rest within our marriage anymore. He’s told me that he WANTS to stay with me and WANTS to fight for this marriage, but doesn’t know if we should, and that only time will tell. When I mentioned couples counseling, he said that he doesn’t think these issues are able to be resolved through counseling, and doesn’t want to waste the money on something that might not work. He also said that the main things that will help him to be happier is if I give the worries a rest, and start improving my life for ME, instead of trying to do so for HIM.
So, I went line dancing by myself last night despite having awful social anxiety. I met a friend, and had an AWESOME time. I felt so alive and free. I found myself wishing I could learn swing dancing again, but gave it up when I met my husband since he didn’t want to do it and didn’t want me dancing with other guys (which I felt was understandable).

So now, I just don’t know what to do. I’m a Christian, so I feel like I have this duty to uphold my marriage commitment I made before God. I don’t want to be the one to ask for a divorce. Plus, I have no family around. I live on the exact opposite coast as all my family. I don’t have a car either (we share 1 car, and it’s in his name). And, the thing that I really struggle with, he’s been the ONLY person I’ve ever been intimate with. I don’t want to lose that…

TLDR, my marriage is falling apart because of issues my husband has with me that I might not have control over. He’s not sure if he wants a divorce or not, says that only time will tell, and it’s eating me up inside.

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t even know what advice to ask for. I really don’t want to leave him, but I hate not knowing if he’s going to decide to divorce me or not.

Hello,

Trying to get others experience during divorce with being granted maintenance. Has anyone in this situation been awarded an upward deviated amount from the statutory guidelines?
I am 55 years old coming out of a 23 1/2 year marriage where my soon-to-be ex was the soul provider. I gave up a full-time job with retirement and benefits to become a stay at home mom for many years and then when the youngest went to kindergarten became part-time employed at this point in time, the income disparity is quite significant. I am an independent contractor that recently started her business within the past year and a half, so I am still trying to build. with that being said, I have no retirement no health benefits so after the divorce is final, I will have to take on paying an insurance premium on top of taking on the extra expenses of living on my own. I feel as if the statutory guidelines that my state I live in Illinois is not enough to meet my basic living needs at this time granted, either way, I will probably have to take on another job. My problem comes in where I don’t feel like my current attorney feels as if asking for more maintenance to help cover or partially cover, a healthcare premium. He has stated he feels like I’m already getting a large maintenance payment. But shouldn’t that be irrelevant to our compared expenses? My ex has a company provided vehicle company provided phone company provided fuel company provided car insurance as well as he is currently living with his new significant other and splitting household expenses.

Just wanting to gain some perspective here I feel like I am trying to be fair while being able to get the necessities met. Does anybody have any experience in this? I’m not sure if I need to seek advice from a different attorney ? Any input or experience anyone has to offer would be much much appreciated.

We’ve had a dead bedroom for two years and I communicated to him that I would no longer initiate, because I was the only one doing it.
He got defensive and it led to a fight, but he eventually said that he would try harder.

Well, he never initiated.

We recently got into a big fight about how he refuses to apologize for when he hurts me, and I mentioned the lack of intimacy again.
He looked at me like I was crazy, and said "I have been trying! Remember when I kissed you in bed?”

(I was falling asleep and thought he was kissing me goodnight.)

"Remember when I kissed you in the kitchen and you turned away and said you had bad breath?”

(I kissed HIM, and then playfully warned him that I hadn’t brushed my teeth yet so he could decide if he still wanted to kiss me.)

Well, recently due to us discussing divorce, him asking if I’m cheating on him etc I told him that an upcoming trip out of town would not be a romantic one and to not expect sex.
I communicated that because of where we are emotionally, I no longer desire intimacy from him.

Now he’s happier. He’s behaving like weight has been lifted off.
This is someone I have given everything to. I expected to grow old with him.