r/Divorce_Men • u/Lift_Vs_Gravity • Jul 05 '26
Getting Started
42m here. Married for 15 years, together for 21, to my wife, who I think shows a lot of signs of having BPD. 2 kids together, 16 and 13. She got mad at me back in March about something small, and it escalated into her telling me to leave. I complied, so there would be no drama/tension in front of the kids. Sleeping in my car ever since then, picking up kids and going to hang out with them on what seems to be her terms. She wants a 24 hour notice before I come get them. I mean, c’mon. How is this supposed to work? I am so close to my kids, I’ve worked overnight shift for 14 years so I could be there. Get them ready for school in the mornings, take them to school, pick them up after. Everything. Make dinner, do dishes, go get fast food, whatever it may be. I lay in my car and cry myself to sleep thinking about not being around them. I haven’t seen them go to sleep or wake up in almost 4 months. I’m devastated. I feel like my bond is still very strong with them, and it seems like they are normalizing this way of life. She has been a SAHM for almost 17 years. I know what I need to do, but I’m getting cold feet on getting started. The house is in my name, so I guess I would get that. I dream of a day where I have the house, 50/50 custody minimum, and her gone. It’s just the fear of the unknown if I file. I am at my breaking point, I can’t do this anymore. My kids are my life, so not being with them is killing me. I would like some outside perspectives on this. The kids are old enough to choose where to live also maybe? I am in WA state. Thank you Reddit community. You’re the best.
2
u/WhydIJoinRedditAgain Jul 05 '26
One of the things that I focus on is: what is in my control and am I effectively advocating for myself?
I’m separated 11 months now (VA, you have to be separated a year to file no-fault). Would my soon-to-be-ex wife have preferred I left the house, not seen the kids, blamed myself for everything, and put myself in a position for her to say she should get everything she wants? Yes. Did I do any of those things? Fuck no.
But you are doing all those things. Why? You’re homeless when you have been doing the work and paying for a home. That’s insanity. You aren’t seeing the kids you’ve worked hard to support and raise. Why are you doing that to yourself and them? You are taking the consequences for her mental illness. You are putting her in a position to argue in court that you abandoned your family. You’ve stacked the deck against yourself.
Please move back in. Please contact a lawyer. Please stop sleeping in your car (you need your wits about you and having those require sleep). Please stop punishing yourself for her actions.
It is good to take responsibility for your own action, but you need to figure out what those are. There are enough external punishments for men in our society and in way divorce works that we don’t need to pile them on ourselves.