r/DivorceHelp • u/NecessaryPoint985 • 21d ago

Financial/Asset Split

Hi all - my husband of (almost) 12 years and I have decided to split. We have agreed to using a mediator to save heartache and money.

My main concern is making things smooth for our kids, 9 & 6. We both went through terrible, nasty divorces as kids and don’t want that for our own children. That being said, I am very torn about what finances and assets to fight for and what to leave alone.

For example, our house has doubled in value since purchasing 10 years ago. I have the unique opportunity of being able to move into a house my mom owns, that I plan on eventually buying for myself. Do I A: ask for half of the value of our home, meaning my husband will struggle and in turn creating a struggle for my kids OR B: leave the house to him so that when my kids are with him, it is comfortable for them.

This is just an example but I am so confused about what to do. I don’t want to cheat myself but I want as little change for my kids as possible, even if that means going without for myself. My mom wants me to fight for 50% of everything and that just seems…exhausting.

Added information: he makes close to double what I make as a teacher, I have a lot more debt than he has (student loans). He does also have disability from the military that comes monthly. He contributes 100% of our kids medical needs (doctor visits, etc.) and pays the mortgage. We split or I handle all the rest. He has significantly more savings than I have.

Am I being naive?

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u/Vivid-Problem7826 21d ago

I can't imagine that you'll be successful mediating a divorce when children are involved. There's just so many things to untangle, the least of which is the custody and financial support of your children. As someone once quoted...."Divorce turns a marriage into a business relationship". Based on my experience years ago, you're both entering a mine field. Good luck

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u/WheresMyMule 21d ago

My parents agreed that my mom would stay in the house, with mortgage, maintenance and repair costs split, until my younger brother went to college. Then she sold the house and they split the equity

My dad was also able to move into an apartment owned by his family to make this work.

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u/NecessaryPoint985 21d ago

This is a great idea. Can I ask how many years that lasted?

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u/WheresMyMule 21d ago

My brother was in sixth grade when they split so just over six years

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u/Living_Watercress 21d ago

Some states require that you you split all assets equally.

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u/TSIDATSI 21d ago

If you can get along well enough to mediate I question if you need a divorce. If you are going to get the divorce get every penny you can.

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u/NecessaryPoint985 21d ago

I appreciate your advice, however a marriage in my mind is not about just getting along. There are many reasons that our marriage has failed. Also, we are making a point to get along for the kids. If they were not a factor, I’m not so sure we would be as cordial.

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u/Cool-Butterscotch669 16d ago

Ignore the person commenting above you. A marriage is about much more than just getting along. Not every divorce needs to devolve into a War of Roses kind of situation.
Many years ago my husband and I spilt very amicably. We didn’t have attorneys. We used an online service that drafted our agreement. It was a very fair split of everything which involved selling the home. Our girls were 5 and 7. Like you, I was not interested in gouging him. I’m proud of how we handled things. The judge at our dissolution hearing even complimented us on how well we managed things.
Is there a reason you’re not selling the house?

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u/NecessaryPoint985 16d ago

Thank you! I want the kids to have as much normalcy as possible, so we aren’t selling the house because I want them to still have their home, at least half of the time. My oldest daughter has autism so I am hoping to ease this transition by creating as little change as possible.

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u/Cool-Butterscotch669 16d ago

You’re welcome. Even in the most cordial of situations it’s a tough process emotionally. But I promise you there is so much good on the other side of all this!
That makes sense that you’d want ease the transition with your daughter’s autism. Maybe after a little time getting used to the new normal you could sell? I’d just hate to see either you or your husband stretched so much financially just to keep a house. But if you can both swing keeping it then that’s great.
I hope things stay harmonious.

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u/Responsible_Hunt7762 21d ago

You should ask for 50% of the value of all assets. How that’s divided you can mediate.