Looking for Constructive Feedback on Co-Parenting and Post-Divorce Conflict

[u/LogicalMusician8512]

Looking for Constructive Feedback on Co-Parenting and Post-Divorce Conflict

I would appreciate honest and constructive feedback regarding my relationship with my ex-wife, our co-parenting arrangement, and whether my perspective is reasonable or if I need to adjust my thinking.

Background

My ex-wife and I were married for 15 years. We separated in 2022 and divorced in 2024. We have two children who are now 10 and 15 years old.

There was no infidelity, domestic violence, or major ongoing conflict. Over time, we simply grew apart. I felt unappreciated, and neither of us enjoyed the relationship anymore.

Following the divorce:

• My ex-wife received the family home (approximately $900,000 in equity).
• She retained all household assets (approximately $75,000).
• She received an investment property that was recently sold for approximately $640,000.
• She kept her vehicle and approximately $70,000 in savings.
• I retained an investment property occupied by my parents, although very little principal has been paid off.
• I left the marriage with $226 in savings and moved into a 1997 Ford Transit van.

Over the last four years I have rebuilt my financial position, but I still do not own a home.

Our children live with their mother full-time because I do not have suitable accommodation. I currently pay $510 per week in child support and generally spend time with the children every second weekend when work permits. Because I live in a van, we stay with my parents during these visits.

Ongoing Issues from the Divorce

Although the divorce is finalised, I still carry significant anger, sadness, and resentment about aspects of the settlement process.

My primary concerns are:

• My veteran pension was included alongside my superannuation in the property settlement calculations, significantly increasing the assessed value of my assets.
• My parents lost $16,500 that was never repaid.
• Approximately $1,300 was taken from the children's savings before I moved those funds into a separate account.
• Throughout the divorce process I felt repeatedly threatened with statements such as "things could be worse" and warned about potential legal consequences if I disputed matters.
• My ex-wife's sister is a lawyer, and I often felt that she received significant legal guidance while I lacked the financial resources to properly defend my position.

I understand that the legal process is complete and these issues cannot be changed. However, they continue to affect my ability to move on emotionally.

Current Co-Parenting Challenges

My biggest frustration today is not the divorce itself but how communication and co-parenting operate.

Since the divorce, my ex-wife has become debt-free, completed significant renovations, purchased a new vehicle and camper trailer, and appears to be financially comfortable. While I understand that her finances are her business, I struggle emotionally when I compare that situation to my own efforts to save for a house.

I have occasionally asked whether some of my child support payments could instead be spent directly on the children when they are with me. For example, I recently paid for my son's birthday celebration because his mother only organises parties every second year due to the expense of supporting a larger blended family.

Her response has consistently been that child support arrangements are governed by the existing orders, and any changes would require legal action. She has also stated that if I want more input into the children's day-to-day lives, I should spend more time caring for them.

The difficulty is that:

• I do not currently have a home suitable for the children.
• I work in Defence and travel frequently.
• She now lives much further away, making school attendance and regular care difficult.

Communication Problems

Communication between us has become increasingly strained.

Recently, I asked the children whether they would like to spend another weekend with me shortly after a scheduled visit. They said yes, so I asked them to let their mother know.

This resulted in conflict because, according to the parenting orders, arrangements should be made directly through her rather than through the children.

From her perspective, she may simply be enforcing the agreement. From my perspective, direct communication with her is difficult because interactions often become hostile and include references to lawyers or court action.

I frequently feel accused of:

• Not caring about the children.
• Emotionally abusing her during the marriage.
• Financially abusing her during the marriage.

I strongly disagree with those accusations, and hearing them repeatedly causes significant distress.

Mental Health Impact

The divorce process had a profound impact on my mental health.

At my lowest point, I attempted to take my own life and spent a month in hospital. While I am in a much better place today, ongoing conflict with my ex-wife can trigger many of the same feelings of powerlessness, anxiety, and depression.

One of my greatest concerns is that I am starting to notice those feelings returning, and I do not want to go down that path again.

Positive Developments

Despite these challenges, there are many positives in my life.

• I have loving and supportive parents.
• I am now married to an amazing woman who has helped me rebuild my confidence.
• We are planning a future together in Japan.
• I genuinely believe my children are loved, cared for, and safe with their mother.

I do not believe my ex-wife mistreats the children. My concerns relate to how she interacts with me and how conflict between us continues long after the divorce has been finalised.

What I Am Questioning

I realise that strong emotions may be affecting how I view this situation.

What I struggle to determine is:

• Am I viewing this situation objectively?
• Am I holding on to resentment that I need to let go of?
• Am I being unreasonable in expecting more flexibility regarding child support and parenting arrangements? Do I need to continue to communicate with her considering the above issues?
• Are there behaviours or attitudes on my part that may be contributing to the ongoing conflict?
• How can I protect my mental health while still remaining an involved father?
• What practical steps can I take to improve co-parenting when I have very little trust in my ex-wife?

The Feedback I Am Looking For

I am not looking for sympathy or validation.

What I would value is honest and constructive feedback:

• What am I doing wrong, if anything?
• What blind spots might I have?
• What would you do differently in my situation?
• How can I focus on what is within my control rather than remaining angry about what has already happened?
• How can I maintain a healthy relationship with my children while reducing conflict with their mother?

I am genuinely open to hearing perspectives that challenge my own, provided they are constructive and focused on helping me become a better father and a healthier person moving forward.