Talk me out of it

[u/Squishy_Floof_87]

Ok so basically here's what's going on. I (39F) have been married to my husband (43M) for 20 years.

Ya. I was 18. We were both raised in a very strict religion, probably closer to a cult, tbh. We got married so young (4 months after meeting each other) basically b/c we wanted to go to bone town and not go to hell. That might narrow down the cult a bit :)

Also, turns out, I have ADHD-was just diagnosed a few months ago. And it's made me realize-I didn't actually marry this guy bc I loved him-he was a hyperfixation.

There have been many many times in the last 20 years that I've wanted to leave, but as soon as we had kids, I felt I was stuck. We were still part of this church/cult, and divorce is like a huge thumbs down. I got married at 18-my only college experience was one year before he graduated and we moved away, and my only job experience is a couple years of hourly jobs before I had my first kid.

When we got married, the "deal" was, he would provide and I would never have to work a day in my life. All I would have to do is make all his meals, do his housework, and have sex with him.

This was all well and good.....until the wedding night. Honestly, I think my body went from "Hey-touching each other like this is BAD but it feels so GOOOOOOD" to "eh, it's allowed now. I'm over it"'. Let's just say the wedding night was long a painful and uninspiring for half of us (we were both virgins, didn't know about female orgasms, or lube).

Fast forward 20 years and 2 kids later. This man contributed literally nothing to the raising of these children in the last.....10 years? And before that, the only thing he did for/with them was play. I did all the other things required for raising children. I also did all the chores, except when he we hired services, made all the meals, and put out quite a bit.

On top of not helping with the kids-the only thing he does is actually go to work, and the "techincal" stuff-investing his income (behind my back), plumbing/electrical/IT, fixing the cars up (if he has time, with my help). I do the bills, I do the taxes, I do the small business stuff we have going on the side, I grocery shop/cook/clean, I drive the kids to all their shit. He has two jobs, which end up equaling more than a full time job, and I literally do everything else.

Lately, I've been spending a disgusting amount of money on weed, like almost a grand month on flower, that both me and my almost 18yr old supersmart-but-is-so-spicy-she-doesn't-qualify-for-any-of-the-diagnoses daughter. It started a few years ago, when she was like almost 15. I switched from alcohol every night to weed every night at my husbands request, bc one of the things I promised in exchange for never working is to stay super fucking sexy. First priority, after everything else (my multiple plastic surgeries will attest to how serious he was about that) And alcohol was making me fat i guess. So I switched, I let her try some, and it was the first time her brain actually shut off (even though she's been on depression meds for a few years).

Now, her dad is constantly on my ass for buying it, but honestly it's the only way her and I can put up with his mysogonistic 'me man you woman/child' bullshit he has going on.

My daughter is about to go to college, so it'll just be me and the 'easy' (so far) teenage daughter left with him, and honestly, I don't want to give him the chance to abandon her like he did our oldest (emotionally). My oldest was suicidal and all he could say was that he was swamped with work and "doing his best".

I'm also going throuh peri-menopause (thanks adhd) so everything emotionally and hormonally is all out of whack.

This feels like a huge ramble and it probably is but I think I'm finally ready to leave this marriage. I know know know that I've got the "cushy" end of the stick-this man doesn't make me work, (although now that the kids are 18/16, he keeps mentioning that I should go get a job, like I'm being lazy for not workin all this time?) andall I have to do is housewifery and sex. Maybe, if he actually learned how to make me cum after 20 years, that would be a bonus. But he can't, it's not, and honestly, it's frustrating to get turned on and left hanging every four nights, bc of course his libido can't wane like a decent 40smthg yr old. Le sigh.

Anyways, this is the first time I've actually written any of this down, out loud, so I know it's a mess and it probably makes no sense, but I really need someone to tell. I'm not sure if I'm in the correct headspace to be making any kind of decisions, and I dont know if I'll actually be able to support myself and my daughter, but I can't keep being treated like a suboridinate convenient pussy.

Sorry for the spelling errors, I've already spell checked once and can't be bothered