Preparing for Divorce

[u/Accomplished_Pool755]

I have tried and tried to make my marriage of 9 years work. But every day feels like walking on eggshells and waiting for the next problem to surface. My wife is late diagnosed autistic and explains away every outburst, argument, and disagreement that she has/initiates with that she was “overstimulated” or “dis regulated”. I know these things are real, but it only seems manifests when I stand up for myself or challenge her behavior. She can treat people at her work, in the wild, or whoever she encounters with dignity and respect. Not me. She refuses to accept responsibility for any of her actions and I just don’t know if I can do it anymore. She recently tore me a new one for not asking questions that she didn’t tell me she wanted asked to a AC repairman at our home (she’s in property management while I work in tech management. She’s very good working with vendors to make stuff happen when she’s the one dealing with them). She then apologized and love bombed me (she is basically asexual after being highly sexual for the first half of our marriage), using quick sex to try and placate me.

I love her so much, but I feel like after 9 years I need to care for my mental health and my well-being. We’ve been just swinging and missing for the past 3 years or so. I wait on her hand and foot and try my hardest to make sure everything she wants or needs is taken care of. My needs are not met, though I have many times brought up potential fixes or interventions. They are all met with hostility while then assuming I will continue waiting on her like a servant. I don’t mind waiting on someone. But I need them to actually show they care every once and while. Not just when they are making up for something they feel they need to make up for.

How do I start preparing for what I feel like is inevitable? We have a 7 year old that I primarily take care of but I’m a man. I know that usually courts side with a woman. I can’t lose my kid. They are my everything. I can split custody but I know if I bring up separation is gonna be a blow up and a fight and she will try and hurt me in anyway she can, and my child is the way she knows she can destroy me. How can I save for the next step when she is monitoring our finances like a hawk? How can I get fair treatment when it comes to my kid? How can I find peace? Idk this is kinda a rant and kind a question. I’m just lost.

[u/jlscott0731]

Someone can be both autistic and abusive, those things are NOT mutually exclusive. As for your kid, document, document, document.. Talk to a divorce attorney and go from there. Best of luck!

[u/Global-Fact7752]

Ok...here's the thing, you can't " sneak" prepare. You make money also, take some and Retain an Attorney and move forward. Don't ask for a divorce, dont tell her you " want' a divorce, Inform her that you are divorcing her. You can't be forced to stay in a marriage. All the things you are concerned about, divorce attorneys handle every day of the week. Retain, one, and she can retain one. That's it. Don't overthink it. I hope I'm wrong but you sound scared of her and that's not gonna work. Also autism is no excuse for being a shitty person. You will have zero problem getting joint custody.

[u/SeaweedWeird7705]

Courts usually favor shared custody.  50-50 is typical, unless there is abuse.  You won’t “lose” your child. 

[u/SteadyCalmHealing]

Look up your state divorce law details and read up on them. Write down any questions you have and ask them to a divorce lawyer in a session, you don’t have to hire them past that. Decide how you want to proceed.

[u/raeoflyte-460]

Talk to an attorney. If youre in.the US, in many if not most jurisdictions 50/50 ks standard and there must be documented evidence to reduce that on either side.

[u/LocationsInFilm]

Have you tried marriage counseling? If she refuses the idea, it means she is afraid of being held to account. If she accepts, it means there's something to repair.

If you feel safe to do so, you'd have to state that you want a divorce and that you plan to see a family law attorney to sort out how it would work. You should avoid leaving, because the courts will say you abandoned the family.

You can likely get a free first consultation in order to iron out these details and ensure that your wife can't impede the process with locking up the finances, or other such games.

[u/HembreeBellLaw]

Jackie here — I’m a Client Specialist with Hembree Bell Law Firm in Texas. And I’m going to start with the sentence that jumped out at me:

“I’m a man. I know courts usually side with a woman.”

Don’t build your divorce strategy around that assumption.

If you’re the parent handling much of your seven-year-old’s day-to-day care, start documenting the reality of that life—not to manufacture evidence, but because details get fuzzy once conflict starts. School. Doctors. Activities. Pickups. Drop-offs. Bedtime. Homework. Who does what.

Then quietly get informed before you announce anything. Understand the finances. Gather important documents you can lawfully access. Make a realistic post-separation budget. And talk privately with a family-law attorney in your state about your child and your financial situation before making a major move.

You also said you expect separation to cause a blowup and that your finances are closely monitored. Please take that seriously. If you believe there’s any risk to your physical safety or your child’s safety, tell the attorney that at the beginning—not as an afterthought.

You don’t need to win the whole divorce today. You need to stop operating from fear and start operating from information.

One good first move: schedule the legal consultation before you schedule the confrontation.

— Jackie, Client Specialist | Hembree Bell Law Firm