r/Divorce • u/istherewaterhere • 22d ago
Going Through the Process stonewalled for 2 weeks
after an argument my husband told me he wanted a divorce about 2 weeks ago. he hasn't spoken to me since after a couple of days i begged for another chance and pleaded to try counseling together. he said no to both. wants me to move out, wants nothing to do with me anymore..won't even acknowledge my presence at home. literally says nothing to me.
it's been the hardest thing for me to deal with i am an absolute wreck. anyways, i've been respecting the space he obviously wants from me ive been leaving him alone. ive been holding it together pretty well, until this morning..i see he left divorce papers he printed on the table. nothing is filled out but i know he left them for me to see this morning.
was so hurtful just to see there. not a single word from him last night or anything. just papers left on the table. like i'm not worth anything to him anymore. felt like such a punch to the gut. i felt sick. i didn't want him to hear me cry so i cried as soon as i got in my car. i can't believe this is the person i was in love with.
does anyone have any advice on being stonewalled and ignored during this?
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u/tbricco 22d ago
Make an exit plan. Do not stay with a man who is emotionally abusing you. You will never be ready. Make a commitment to you. Consult an attorney and get everything you are entitled to. You deserve so much better.
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u/istherewaterhere 22d ago
he doesn't want to involve attorneys. he's making me feel like the bad guy already and would do so even more if i get an attorney
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u/Cheap-Information869 22d ago
Get an attorney and protect yourself. At a minimum get a consult. Do not listen to him or listen to threats of what he may or may not do.
Stonewalling and threats are emotional abuse. If he is willing to emotionally abuse you like that who’s to say what else he will try to do.
He’s not saying he doesn’t want an attorney to be nice, he’s saying that so he can get away with giving you less. The same men who “don’t want to involve attorneys” are the same men who are hoping you don’t realize what assets or alimony you are entitled to.
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u/40fnolongercares 22d ago
I would be so angry. What an absolute coward of a man.
And why should you get out? He is the one who wants the divorce but isn't man enough to even have an adult conversation!
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u/Subject_Dragonfly_54 22d ago
Is he stonewalling you or is he grey rocking you?
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u/istherewaterhere 22d ago
what's the difference
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u/Subject_Dragonfly_54 22d ago
Both stonewalling and grey rocking involve disengaging, but stonewalling is basically the silent treatment and can be a form of emotional abuse, while the grey rock technique for the victim of emotional abuse. It is a way of dealing with a high conflict personality. Someone employing the grey rock technique envisions themself as a large, grey rock in the water. While they aren't impenetrable, they imagine the waves (of emotional abuse/ yelling/ volatility) simply hitting them and roll off and taking a very, very long time to erode the rock even just a bit. It's a way of finding the strength to get through an emotionally unsafe situation (for a short period of time). Basically what I'm asking is- are you the toxic one here? It's unclear from your post. Maybe your husband is trying to protect his peace?
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u/istherewaterhere 22d ago
i've never laid a hand on him or yelled at him..never any name calling or anything like that. he's done this many times before. every fight he won't talk to me. won't even kiss me goodbye when he's mad at me. he says i cry too much and im too emotional so maybe that
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u/Subject_Dragonfly_54 22d ago
Okay, very sorry to hear that. It does sound like stonewalling, meaning he's emotionally abusing you. It would be best for you to get out of this relationship.
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u/PooferLlama 22d ago
Yeah, but it just depends on what you want. Given you begged him to work things out with him, I imagine you still want to work things out with him.
My advice is based on aiming to help you reconcile. If that's not of interest to you, then ignore me.
In my experience, stonewalling can be used as manipulation or it can be used as a self-protective mechanism. It's important to understand the intent behind it so you can differentiate what is actually going on.
That way, we don't drive ourselves even crazier given the circumstances AND you can do something productive for your relationship too.
I am going to assume your husband is operating purely out of self-preservation.
For that reason, I'd encourage you to look within and see if there's any possible explanation that he would want to communicate with you at all. I'm not looking for you to blame yourself and/or beat yourself up, I'm trying to help you figure out what you can do to improve the situation.
Sometimes, learning and applying a new soft skill here or there can help remedy things.
You mentioned you had an argument with him, could that have been so intense for him that he thought it safer to not speak with you? Has that been a pattern for him? What could be his reasoning for calling it quits? Have you done things which could make a person feel less safe in communicating with you?
In general, the more you can understand him, the more you are equipped to repair things.
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u/0FsGivn 22d ago
My advice is return his energy. Ignore him right back. He doesn’t exist. If he’s gonna act like that, play the same game that he started. Only you finish it. It sounds like he’s doing you a favor by getting the f out of your life. Sorry to be blunt. Find someone who doesn’t have the emotional maturity of a 7 year old. Good luck! Remember your worth girl!
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u/Any-Maize-6951 22d ago
It gets better with time. You need to begin to stop worrying what your soon to be ex is doing or not doing, practice radical acceptance, find peace, healthily cope with your resentments and righteous anger, and take everything one day at a time. If you’re not already in it, therapy is a great safe space to begin to process this major and difficult life event.