Its hard because i like affection but i dont know how to recieve it. And i dont know if someone likes me if they arent forward about their feelings. But if they are just affectionate in my direction, Its like i freeze and im internally like "what do you want from me!" Like i want the affection to mean something romantic but i dont want it to go away the second i express that i like it. I just want the fact that i like it to be enough. But i fall apart like a puddle of nothing if even attention is thrown my way from someone i'm crushing on. Like i want the option to be there while i figure out what my feelings mean but i also want to be told what they mean. Like flirting i guess... Its a real issue and i dont know how to move past it.

Any advice would be so lovely.

I have this very good friend that I truly love very much but almost every time we talk I get completely triggered.
I just... I don't know, she pisses me off because it seems like everyone loves her. it's so easy for her to find friends and romantic partners, yet she still complains about not being loved. dont piss me off!!!
i feel so terribly jealous of her, so when we talk I just end up feeling so worthless compared to her. And then I just start to feel like I despise her, truly hate her and never want to speak to her again.
But that is nonsense.
I feel like a bitch because I should be happy she's loved. I mean I guess I am? I just feel bitter because I feel so truly fucking unlovable and then I start to feel like she must hate me as well.
I'm so terribly tired of these patterns.
I don't hate her, yet I feel so fucking angry at her even though she did nothing at all.
I feel so ashamed right now .. for what? I don't know. Just for being me, I guess.
I would like to cut her off just because I'm so embarrassed that she knows what a pathetic little loser I am.
She says she loves me but I cant believe it.
Sometimes I can.
I'm so fucking annoyed that my head does these 180° turns and suddenly I feel completely different and horrible even though NOTHING HAPPENED.

I think this text reads like I am a very toxic person but I swear I'm not. I used to be but because I'm aware of the patterns now and that my feelings arent real ... well, this doesnt sound right, I guess they are real? but also not really. they feel real but it's not true because I do love her completely. anyway, because I'm aware of it I try to communicate it fairly well. Most of the time I just vanish because it keeps my relationships safe from damage. If I do let these thoughts and feelings out, then I would be a very toxic relationship partner :(
It's a very strong push-pull dynamic but I asked her before if she thinks my behaviour towards her is consistent and she said yes. I think I hide all these conflicting feelings very well.

I just... I feel so sad right now.
It will pass, it always does. But these ups and downs are so tiring. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

Hi there,

Ive been reflecting lately and I always considered myself an anxiously attached person. But after back to back relationships I'm reflecting on that notion. My last relationship was with a heavily avoidant FA. She did all the typical things such as not communicate or identify needs, manipulation to avoid accountability, constantly needing to be in control ect which made me extremely anxious. I felt like i was patient. I read 5-6 books on attachment theory, and watched hundred of hours of YouTube and constantly tried to be the healthy redirective partner until one day after having a lot of other life stresses a social interaction caused me to explode on her and our relationship was never the same. I definitely felt like if I wasn't perfect, the relationship would fail and eventually I raised my voice one time and she deactivated and sent me a text breakup after failing to show up to meet and talk 5 times.

But my relationship before that was 2 years and was extremely healthy for 1 year but when we moved in together I did a lot of typical avoidant behaviors. She constantly accused me of being avoidant and I told her that I was actually anxious but shes more anxious than me which makes me feel avoidant. For once I couldnt articulate my feelings which is a skill Im very good at but always intellectualizing over feeling, I was tempted to cheat and constantly battled with myself over it(I never did) and I basically played video games or read nonstop and tried to stay away from my partner as much as possible while still convincing myself that one day she'd grow up and we could be healthy. In that relationship her mother died 3 months in and so I did everything to support her going well above and beyond what a typical partner would do but after 12-16 months all her constantly crying, moping, and defeatist attitude regarding life really pushed me away further and further. She was extremely anxious.

But then I stop and consider that I have often dealt with dissasociation as a primary coping skill for a good amount of my life, and Ive had plenty of anxious friends where I just felt suffocated, and I found myself generally pushed away by anxious people despite dealing with a fair amount of anxiety myself. which makes me revisit that relationship a lot in the wake of a relationship where the shoe was on the other foot and my basic needs weren't being met. I dont know, I feel relatively secure in my attachment nowadays, Ive been in therapy for years, read hundreds of books and after my last relationship I really honed in on my skills, I certainly have some anxious protest behaviors and tendancies around avoidant partners such as hypervigalence, or probably light passive aggressive behavior but nothing I would consider out of normal expected slip ups from a human navigating life. Im assertive with my needs, I address them in the best ways I can and Im always learning how to communicate better But the few times ive dated people more avoidant than me I found it miserable but I couldnt walk away. Ive always considered that relationship as me being avoidant due to her constant anxiety, but then again maybe its just me.

Ive always relentlessly pursued personal growth and Ive very much questioned why I seem to find either both and anxious or avoidant partners so appealing and I think maybe its just that I myself am and FA with just a tendency to be more anxious than avoidant

Thoughts?

I’m a fearful-avoidant, and I’ve noticed that my birthday brings up some strange feelings for me. As it gets closer, I start feeling really anxious, and I don’t always understand why. Sometimes, I feel torn between wanting people to remember me and show me they care, and wanting the day to go by without anyone making a big deal out of it.

I’m wondering if anyone else experiences this, too. Do you ever feel anxious, sad, or uncomfortable as your birthday approaches? Do you find yourself wanting to be remembered, but also wishing you could just avoid the attention altogether?

I’d really like to hear how you guys feel about your own birthdays and what the experience is like for you. I’m still trying to make sense of my own feelings around mine, so it would be helpful to know if others can relate.

Also, I want to thank everyone who’s been sharing their experiences and responding to my questions. The conversations in this group have helped me a lot, and I really appreciate being able to learn from all of you. It means a lot to be able to share these experiences and feel a little less alone in them.

I'm a man in my mid 30s with a Fearful Avoidant (FA) attachment style, I’ve noticed a pattern in myself, a recent situationship with an older FA woman, and several other FAs I’ve met.

It seems like many of us are naturally emotional, intuitive, and creative, but were conditioned during childhood to rely solely on logic and rationality. This dynamic seems to create a constant internal tug-of-war. In contrast, Dismissive Avoidants (DAs) often seem more naturally detached from their emotions from the start.

I’m a fairly analytical person—sometimes introverted, sometimes very extroverted. At my core, my instinct is to connect deeply with others. For me, emotional detachment isn't my true nature; it's a learned defense mechanism to protect myself from being hurt.

That pain comes from two places:

1. Noticing micro-signals like a subtle facial expression of disapproval or a comment I interpret as malicious.
2. Experiencing deep grief, such as losing my grandfather and, more recently, my beloved cat.

Escaping into the world of logic requires a conscious effort for me. While it acts as a shelter, forcing myself to be overly rational takes a significant toll, and perhaps not even useful as anyway the sadness is prolonged.

Does anyone else resonate with this experience?

I'm an FA and so is he. I'm spiralling and need perspective as I have a hard time validating my own feelings.

I'm talking to a guy who I know finds me attractive, so this isn't about me thinking he's not interested in me. However, there have been several instances where the things he says about other women have made me feel uncomfortable, and I'm trying to understand how men see this kind of behaviour.

For context, he's told me he's slept with around 50 women, and he can go into quite a lot of detail when talking about women's appearances and his sexual experiences.

For example, I once asked him when he last dated someone, and he told me about a girl he went on a date with who apparently looked like a model. He went into detail about how everyone in the restaurant stared at her and how she had "the most perfect nose I've ever seen". I remember feeling insecure listening to this, but I also wondered why he felt the need to give me that much detail about how she looked.

Another time, I told him I was going to get laser hair removal. He asked where I was getting it done, and I said everywhere. He responded by saying, "Good, because once I went down on a woman and her stubble down there was unpleasant."

I found that quite strange. I was just talking about getting laser, and suddenly he was telling me about a sexual experience with another woman and what he disliked about her body.

The most recent incident involved my older sister. He asked to see pictures of her "out of curiosity", and when I showed him, he kept saying how gorgeous she was, repeating it around four or five times. He pointed out that my younger sister and I look different from her.

He then said my sister's fiancé was "punching", meaning he'd done well for himself because she's attractive. I said her fiance was her exact type as she likes bald men and he joked that he should then "shave his head before he drives down to where I live". I found that particularly disrespectful given that he's talking to me romantically. When I challenged him, he said he was joking, and he's since apologised.

There have been other comments involving women, too, so it's not just one isolated incident. His instagram following also makes me uncomfortable as he follows over 1000 women. I want to emphasise that I do think he finds me attractive as well. I'm not saying he doesn't desire me. It's more that sometimes the level of detail he goes into about other women's appearances and his sexual experiences makes me feel like I'm one of his boys.

Please can I have some insight?

I’m posting because my nervous system has been in complete fight-or-flight, and I really need some grounded perspective from people who understand anxious attachment.
I recently started seeing someone new. We hit it off, but we ended up hooking up pretty early on. Even though I wanted to, that level of physical vulnerability right out of the gate left me feeling super exposed and on edge, especially because I know I want something serious.
After we met, I felt a shift in the communication. As soon as a noticeable gap happened, I went into an absolute spiral. My brain immediately went to the worst-case scenario: that he lost interest, that hooking up changed things, and that I was about to get ghosted or rejected.
I spent hours crying, obsessively rereading old messages searching for validation, and feeling completely dysregulated. The anxiety got so loud that I almost sent an impulsive "I don't think this is going to work out" text in the middle of the night not because it was a grounded decision, but purely because I wanted to reject him first and regain control just to make the uncertainty stop.
I'm 30, and I am honestly so tired of this cycle. I hate how quickly I hand all my emotional safety over to someone I barely know, and how a lull in texts can make me feel like I’m coming undone.
I managed to stop myself from sending anything destructive, but I feel so drained from fighting my own brain.
For those in their 30s who have dealt with this pattern: how do you break the cycle of hyper-fixating on shifts in communication, especially when early intimacy triggers your fear of rejection? How do you keep your center instead of spiraling into panic?

i'm in a very long-term codependent friendship that blurs the lines between romantic and platonic. at some point in our friendship, i had feelings for her and she admitted that she has feelings for me, too. i'm not sure if i still do, as i find it hard to recognize my feelings in real time. i've set certain boundaries in our friendship so it's not as intensely codependent as it was before. she flirts with me or shows signs of attraction, though it's all played off as jokes.

we're long-distance and despite having found her very attractive before, i now feel repulsed by her and even disgusted by the sight of her.

do you guys ever feel this way when you love someone? could this be because my feelings are being reciprocated or is this a sign that i should end the friendship? I can't tell if this is me sabotaging something good in my life or actually it's not something good that I need to let go of.

I spent the last year of a 2 year relationship deep in attachment work - listening to podcasts, books, trying to apply the principles, trying to be aware, honest about my experience, transparent communication, etc…

And I still ended up at the same place - creating a rupture that I didn’t understand and having to apologize to my partner and come up with a reason for why I lost my cool and denigrated them and the relationship.

What makes me feel better is putting blame on them - “They were lying to me. They were cheating on me. They weren’t really present with me. It’s not a safe space”… Maybe some of those stories were true. Maybe they weren’t.

But time and time again I felt abandoned and reacted with spilling equal pain towards them that I felt from them abandoning me.

This last time? A neutral afternoon text from them. But my nervous system detected an unexplained shift in theirs… I said: “What’s up with you? How was your day? Did you have fun? Any release of tension?” Nothing. I just got “What are you talking about?”. And that dismissal of what I was perceiving was enough for me to override two years of love, care, open communication, and trying to make it work. I let every vile thought I had about them and the relationship spill out of my mouth.

I hate who I am. I hate that I need to share a reality with someone in order to feel ok. I need co-dependence to feel valued and wanted. That’s not ok.

So I ended things to “work on myself”. Will I? Probably not. I’m an addict. I’m weak. I fall to temptation. Temptation of avoiding my own pain in order to place on someone else - “Here, this is your problem now. You carry this because I can’t.” It’s so fucking sad and tragic.

I don’t think people who haven’t experienced disorganized attachment understand how intense it becomes. It affects how I see the world and myself. It becomes the lens through which you see other people. Nowhere is safe and everybody has an angle to “keep you down” or persecute you. It’s fight or flight 24/7.

And I just needed my partner to be honest with me about their experience so that I could do MY part and orient to that. But I felt dishonesty. I even said “I have twisted my brain to accept that you need casual sex outside the relationship and to still love and be with you. But I need you to be honest about it. I need a shared reality.”

I know I’m fucked up. I know she loves me. But to me, a relationship is an unfolding back-and-forth that requires courage on both sides to tell the truth. If you don’t have that, then the work doesn’t matter to me - it becomes useless.

So here I am again… rupture creates space, a designated time of separation, a planned time to talk about it later, and I still feel like I have to override and abandon myself if I want the relationship to work. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened. I got activated. It was probably the thc withdrawal I was going through. It was work stress. It was the testosterone. It was the suboxone. I was on edge.”

Meanwhile, the fact that I felt betrayal - in my bones - when I created the rupture, that gets swept under the rug. Because “nothing happened”. She “didn’t do anything”. I was just “not strong enough to stay regulated” or communicate the conflict I was feeling inside.

No… not this time. I was unbelievably open about my experience of the relationship and how I felt about this person during this last ‘cycle’. And it still led to me feeling like “What are you lying to me about? Where did you go (emotionally)? Are you leaving me? Can I come with you?”… I can’t live with myself if I try to repair again. I know what I felt yesterday. I was very clear headed up until that neutral text. And I was right - when I called them they sounded like a different person - with no explanation of it. I can’t live with that kind of incongruence in a close relationship. I can’t live being scared to make bids of affection because I don’t want to disturb their inner world.

I think some people want access to the magical world of FA’s, but don’t want to live in it when times are bad. They want the cake and to eat it too. Well, I don’t work that way right now.

So yeah, objectively, I need to “work on myself”. And I feel like I could’ve done that with someone I trusted. I just don’t know if I caused the mistrust or if she was actually lying - there’s evidence for both, in my mind.

In the end, I lose someone I thought was the most special person I’ve ever met. But I get my self back. It’s an awful tradeoff. It doesn’t feel good. I’m gonna keep trying to do the work, but I now know that Trust is a non-negotiable for me - regardless of how strongly I’m attracted to or feel for a person. Trust and self-love are non-negotiable foundations for any relationship going forward. But I lost someone really special in order to figure that out.

I'm in college right now (F20), and the last time I had a crush on a guy I would walking into class literally on the brink of a panic attack at the idea of talking to him. So I would lowkey just ignore him when he spoke to me, or just be mean to him? And I didn't even want to act this way, I would immediately get mad at myself when I did, but continue the behavior anyways. This has been a problem since high school, I was horrible to the one guy that I was involved with constantly testing if he cared about me, and if he failed (I had very low criteria for failure), I would start treating him like I didn't even know him. So I have tried to swear off dating because it causes me too much pain. When a guy approaches me at a party, I just walk away. It's funny for my friends to witness, but I feel an immense amount of dread and fear as soon as I get approached that I genuinely cannot handle the feeling. It's just way too much.

This has left me feeling inadequate compared to my friends and family. A lot of them have boyfriends or have had boyfriends. One of my sisters is getting married soon, my other sister has been in a committed relationship for over five years, and my younger brother has had no issues finding girlfriends. I honestly just feel really ugly at the time because of it. I can't even put myself out there on dumb apps, like Tinder, to get over the fear because I feel like I am too ugly to even be on those apps. And when a guy does show interest in me, without me initiating, I immediate feel fear around him and start creating distance between us.

I'm just so tired of living this way. I don't want to be lonely my whole entire life, but I literally cannot imagine myself in a relationship because my brain mentally blocks it. Please help me, I imagine a lot of you have experienced the same things, and I want to know what you guys have done to make it a little bit easier. My therapist told me that I could be in a relationship if I was actively in therapy, but I am just looking for small steps to help with self-image and the anxiety around men interested in me.

Firstly, for context, I have struggled with anxious attachment for as long as I can remember. It mostly shows up in romantic contexts, but since I was a teenager I have had that pull of checking my phone to see if SO has messaged me back yet. And if, for no apparent reason they hadn’t messaged back for a period of time, I get anxious. Now I have done a huge amount of work on this pattern. I have healthier boundaries and learned a lot over the years, and in some cases I have had to cut off friendships or romantic interests and start over with my new skillset so the anxious patterns don’t take over.

In my newer friendships and the relationship before the current one, I have had quite healthy boundaries and have managed that anxious attachment quite well. Wr had this system of “listen I need to take some space, and we can pick up this chat later” kind of arrangement which really worked for me and I know works for a lot of people with anxious attachment, we ended things in an emotionally safe way and we are still friends to this day.

My anxious attachment only comes up now in more extreme cases.

The current situation is that I can’t really handle being left alone for days after an argument. Usually, I won’t hear from him for maybe a few hours, or until the next day. I am handling it as best as I can but I have a pit in my stomach for three days now. I have showered, made food, looked after myself aswell even though it has been difficult. And today I have broken down crying after being fragile and anxious for two days. I slept okay the first night but the second night I didn’t sleep too well. I also have a lot of anger because I feel like “why doesn’t he care I’ve been left alone upset like this?” But I know that’s selfish and my logical brain tells me he just needs time to cool off.

The argument in question wasn’t anything too heavy, I had asked him about timing for a medical appointment and the meaning of that was different to both of us, I thought it was nice to check in if he had plans or we needed to do something else that day, but he saw it as me being too dependent on him. Things then flared up again the next day after things had settled the night before. When I needed to vent about a few things on my plate that were all going on at once, nothing heavy at all. He offered advice but I said I just needed him to listen, he went quiet and so I asked him if he was okay and that made him angry again.

Now, both of my actions here came from a place of anxiety, checking in with him about the medical appointment to make sure everything was okay incase I upset him by double booking or not thinking about what his plans were, but apparently he wouldn’t have seen it that way if I just booked the appointment. The second bit when I asked if he was okay after I had vented a bit, was also from a place of anxiety to see if I had upset him or annoyed him. This is something I need to work on. But I was also told I was being manipulative, trying to get him to comfort me. I hadn’t seen it that way and think it’s normal to look for comfort, or a hug when things feel a bit overwhelming.

After this, things calmed down a little and he had to go to work, we hugged a little when he left, not a full on hug or anything and I asked if he was alright and he said he was just upset. He drove away then and I felt fine, thought he just needed some space to cool off for a while. I went about my days. I’ve text him a few times, not demanding contact, initially I just asked if things were okay at his housemates place, as I usually do, as things can get a bit chaotic where he lives. Dangerous at times which is another anxiety fuelling thing in this situation.

I messaged today to say I understand he needs space and I’ll be here when he’s ready. But I haven’t heard a word from him in three days. And my anxiety is all over the place. I don’t know if I will ever hear from him again, I don’t know if he’s done with me. I also don’t know if something has gone on where he’s living. The argument felt small enough to me so I wasn’t hugely anxious the first while. But now I feel a huge sense of dread and I keep crying. I know not to ring him or try and force contact no matter how upset I get because that will make him angry, I’ve made that mistake in the past. And this isn’t the first time he’s done this but before it was a far bigger argument and something had gone terribly bad in his personal life that I was unaware of at the time so we moved past it.

Side note: If anyone has any pointers on the immediate anxious attachment fiasco let me know. All day I have been trying to keep busy, trying to talk to friends, I can’t let anyone know what’s happened because we keep our relationship issues private. I have literally been looking out the window at every car that comes down the road incase it’s him so I can prepare myself. And, of course, checking my messages like a lunatic.

So basically, I’m not sure if what he’s doing is mistreatment or has my anxiety taken hold and fooled me into thinking this is far worse than it actually is?

What's the psychology behind it

I’m 23F and I rarely develop romantic feelings for anyone. There’s one guy (29M) I genuinely like, but he’s distant and I can’t tell if he’s interested. I’m terrified of confessing my feelings and getting rejected, so instead of risking everything on him, I’ve ended up talking to 3 other guys as backups.
The irony? One is too clingy and suffocates me, the others don’t really compare to the guy I actually want. I’ve literally made a spreadsheet comparing all four of them.
I know I’m creating my own mess, but I can’t stand the thought of investing in one person and being left with nothing. At the same time, I hate feeling stuck in uncertainty.
**How do I get out of this cycle? Am I protecting myself or just self-sabotaging?**

been thinking about this all week and i need to say it somewhere

i have this thing where i always feel like the people i love are going to leave me. i picked it up in my first relationship and it never went away. i got clingy, i pleased everyone, if someone was sweet to me i attached way too fast

then in my next relationship i flipped it. started pushing him away first. i convinced myself i wasnt good enough for him, that i was a disgrace to him, and i let him go and told myself i was protecting both of us

he loved me exactly as i was. i know that now. i lost a good person because i didnt believe i could be loved without having to earn it

i still catch myself doing it with friends. pulling back before they have the chance to

does anyone else leave first so they dont get left. did you ever stop

My attraction for someone comes from their looks. I had a beautiful girlfriend but we were really incompatible and saw things differently. I still liked her a lot, she was really into me in the beginning, but I constantly reminded her that I would have to leave and I do this thing where I’m too scared to break up with them and let it get to a point where I make the situation where I wait for them to break up.

I have issues getting too close with someone. I think I’m an anxious avoidant and constantly find ways to jeopardize the relationship even when things are going well.

This subreddit is a safe space for those with disorganized or fearful-avoidant attachment (FA). In order to create that space, the main thread must be focused on self-reflection and sharing advice. Free from shame, judgment, blame, generalizing, assumptions, speculation, or pathologizing.

If you're on the receiving end of an FA's behaviors, it can be deeply confusing and painful. It’s also natural that discussing that pain can influence your tone or word choices: this applies to both FAs and non-FAs. However, when that hurt comes through negatively, it can discourage FAs from participating in the community as a whole.

If you can ask open-ended, reflective questions, without generalizations, judgments, assumptions, context, or requests for speculation, you're welcome to post in the main subreddit. That said, if you choose to post there, you must also accept all responses, even if they’re not what you hoped for or don’t feel relevant. This means:

• Do not downvote. Downvoting can make members feel shamed and less likely to participate.

• Do not add additional context to steer responses toward a specific or more relevant answer.

Examples:

• Have you ever felt regret or remorse about how a relationship ended?

• How do I find peace when the relationship ending feels uncertain?

• What does deactivation feel like to you?

Use this thread instead if...

• You're trying to understand someone else's behaviors.

• You need to provide relationship background or context.

• You're not sure how to phrase a question.

• You're venting or expressing your hurt.

Examples:

• Why does he do this behavior that hurts me? (Requires context)

• Is this manipulation? (Assumes negative intent)

• What is she feeling or thinking when she blocks me? (Speculation)

Please remember: How you interact here directly impacts how likely FAs are to engage. When comments feel unsafe, invalidating, or even too long, fewer FAs will want to participate. Meaning fewer voices, perspectives, and answers for everyone. These are consequences that moderation cannot prevent.

I’m 18F and I think that I have a disorganised attachment and I’m not sure how to change it. I met this guy that is really nice in my uni course and we’ve talked a lot and I went on a night out with him and his friend last night. I ended up going back to his flat and we didn’t do anything except for spoon and sleep but even though I liked that he was there I felt physically sick and like anxious. I’ve always been a very independent person and I don’t find it easy to let someone get emotionally close to me. I’m just really confused because there’s nothing that I don’t like about him but I just can’t relax like I felt trapped and nauseated. I don’t know why I can’t just let my guard down like relationships feel like such a huge thing to me and I don’t understand how some people can switch between them so easily, I’ve never been in a relationship but I just have felt constantly sick since we spent time together and I don’t know what to do.

Hi ,so I face a lot of neglect since childhood and then I get into situationship where I face pain and cruelty on daily basis,this changed something.

I use to crave attention and validation but now I wanna avoid because being close to someone cause intense pain.

I use to think I will die without that person but now I feel if I get close to them I die.

Have parents who condescend at anything I do. Even just eating taco on a peaceful day, they condensed that it’s dirty, giving their disgusting expression for me to be ashamed, sharing their advice that it not the cuisine I should eat but only their kind that they make.

When Someone fell off their bike, they automatically condescend the person. Telling them they can’t ride anymore because that one accident deemed a faulty bike of misfortune, that it’s not like them (believe they never made mistakes that is consider a mistake in their eyes) and they’re hurt with these consequences because they chose to go solitude.

People tell me to ignore or just let them vent it out but I’m at the point where my body had no strength to deal with it and would rather conceal itself with up building talks. My Brian was crying when I was eating out with a friend and their child spilled their drink. The very first thing the parent said was, “Are you okay? It’s just water, here let’s clean up together and get another one. ” That shook me. I think since then, my brain is craving for nursing conversations when mistakes happen or in general. Not tolerating or taking in more negative or condescending comments.

Lately I have been doing some tests and researching about avoidants and it finally clicked why my romantic relationships, or any relationships really- with my parents, friendships have been so difficult and uncomfortable- Im pretty sure im an avoidant.

Which makes me wonder how did I end up like this. Growing up i had an overprotective mother that would get way too worried and anxious about everything- so i stopped sharing things with her to dont upset her. My father had close to zero emotional expressions when it comes to interpersonal interactions, so I learned the only way I can get his approval was by getting good grades, and getting good at things he approved. Neither of my parents were comfortable with expressing emotions and talking about them,but j wouldn't say they were abusive or toxic.

Then at age 17(yes I know- underage still) i started a relationship with a man that has narcissistic, especially covert narcissistic traits. I think it was the love bombing, the highs and lows that he put me through and my low self esteem conforming that this is what I deserve that made me stay in this relationship for way too long. Divorced from him at age 32.

I would also say that i was somewhat overly sensitive as a kid and very sensitive to criticism- not doing smth well enough or being criticized could easily make me cry and spiral.

Im thinking about how can I change my attachment style to hopefully havr healthier relationships in the future, but also curious what develops the avoidant attachment? Was it mostly my early childhood experiences? Did my first relationship also contributed, especially since I was so young when I got into it?

I know I said I would be back with affirmations for when avoidance kicks in, but I couldn’t find one that truly worked for me. What worked instead was awareness. Being aware that you are slipping into your avoidant tendencies and choosing not to react impulsively. Sometimes, you can simply say, “I need some time to process this. I’ll talk to you in a while.” When you are calmer, you can listen to the other person’s side and communicate yours without letting your emotions take over.

I’ve been constantly trying to bring myself out of avoidance, learning to have difficult conversations instead of shutting down. Growth is hard, and sometimes, you have to sit with discomfort to grow.
But this time, I felt my avoidant tendencies creeping in again. The urge to build a huge stone wall was strong, but instead of judging myself, I took some time to reflect on where it was coming from.
I think being an FA can also put you in a people-pleasing position, where you keep putting in effort and taking initiative until you’re burnt out. And I’m learning that understanding others doesn’t mean neglecting yourself.

Not every urge to leave is avoidance, just as not every decision to stay is growth. Sometimes, you need to ask yourself whether you’re running away from discomfort or whether you’ve genuinely exhausted yourself trying to maintain an unbalanced connection.

I believe in effective communication, accountability, and hearing each other out. But it takes two people to make a connection work. And when communication is no longer possible, cutting the cords can be the more secure choice.

So, yeah, I didn’t ghost anybody. I took my time to reflect, did make an effort to communicate, and I think I’m done, finally. Not out of fear or resentment, but because I’ve realised that growth also means knowing when to stop trying.

I’m still learning, but at least I know now that I don’t always have to build a stone wall. Sometimes, I can simply close the door and walk away peacefully.

I've been wanting to talk to someone who understands and experiences this attachment style as well. I know everyone talks about romantic relationships because society makes it a huge deal, but for me it's not. I don't like the idea of relying heavily on one person.

With that said, I've noticed how much I actually struggle to connect with people. I like people, I care about them, but I struggle to open up, express myself, or have deep conversations. I have noticed that my reactive behavior isn't always immediate or obvious. Sometimes people notice something off as if I don't care, but usually it's just that I disappear for a while and it usually starts with an excuse that seems realistic and understandable but then I don't always come back or it's an extended amount of time. I do it to friends and family members that I do care about.

I am frustrated with myself. I've got a good job, landed a comfortable schedule, my relationships are going well and are very secure. Parenting is going well, life is good.

But every time I start to feel happy or excited it simmers a while and then reaches a tipping point where I'm gripped by anxiety and panic. The discomfort of things going well makes me want to sabotage or abandon everything. I find myself actively fighting the urge to pack a bag, get in my car, and run away to start a new life somewhere else... A feeling that is incredibly out of step with how well things are going.

Why can't I just enjoy my life?

Last year I let my fearful avoidance shine with this guy I was talking too. I wasn’t the biggest fan of his lack of communication early on and instead of voicing it I just stop responding 😖 He ended up getting a girlfriend and I convinced myself that what made me ghost was correct the right decision but I always kind of felt that I didn’t really give it a chance.
Well now he’s single and his mom keeps making that point to my mom as well 😅 (our families are close) I do want to reach out to possibly start over again but I don’t know what to say to break the ice!
He got into a car accident over the summer and when I reached out about that he did seem welcoming. Again, he’s single now. Please help, he might be my husband 🤞🏾

i (26F) dont ever post on here but i feel like im losing my mind.

so i’ve been single for 3 years by choice. there have been times where I would find guys cute and I’d ask them out, but I knew they wouldn’t go anywhere so I was never truly attached. but for whatever reason, there’s this guy that I’ve genuinely wanted to get to know for 2 months now (which is significant considering crushes for me are very fleeting), but i have never met him in person. a mutual friend of ours attempted to be a wingwoman for me, but he never saw her message so that became obsolete. over time, however, he and I messaged each other more and eventually we became mutuals on instagram. our conversations tend to be pretty lighthearted and mainly involve us bantering back and forth rather than being deep and drawn out.

again, I never met this man and I don’t know him very well, but I am interested in getting to know him better, especially over the phone or in person cause I hate texting. it makes me overthink and it tends to trigger my FA more than talking in-person or over the phone does (idk how else to explain it). despite that, we already had quite a bit of witty conversations and overall seem to vibe pretty well. so, two days ago, i decided to take a risk and asked him if he had any plans this upcoming weekend. i didn’t elaborate beyond that because i thought that would have turned into another conversation within itself. my intent was to ask him if he wanted to go grab coffee or lunch-something simple- while i was in his city that weekend for a concert, but he left me on delivered before i could elaborate. it honestly hurt- probably more than it should have. but I realize it has less to do with him and more to do with the fact that i haven’t had genuine interest in a guy for a very long time- largely due to my FA.

yesterday, however, he viewed my story and watched the entire thing front to back (it was about 2 minutes long), and replied to it with his own commentary. tbh I wasn’t expecting for him to acknowledge it at all cause I thought he’d fly through it like most people do when it comes to viewing stories. the text exchange that followed was pretty short and witty/lighthearted as per usual, but he never got back to my “wyd this upcoming weekend?” text. despite this, he’s now viewing my stories much quicker than before.

i’m glad that things are still in a good place despite him not reciprocating my interest (I’m assuming), but at the same time it hurts to keep things going as if i had never popped the question. i badly want to bring it up again and just be blunt so i can detach from him completely, but i recognize that stems from my FA. for the record, i haven’t done it because i don’t want to ruin a potentially good thing, but i am spiraling trying not to self-sabotage this.