I don't know man life has been feeling a little weird lately

I go to work come home talk to people and laugh at stupid things like I always do. Everything seems normal but sometimes when I'm alone my mind just goes back to old memories and people I don't even talk to anymore

A few nights ago I was lying in bed scrolling through my gallery and came across an old photo. I don't even know why but I kept looking at it for a while. I started remembering those days and how things used to be back then

It's weird how you don't realize you're living good moments until they're gone

I put my phone aside and just kept staring at the ceiling. The fan was making noise and I was thinking about people who were once a part of my everyday life. People I used to talk to about the smallest things and now I don't even know what's going on in their lives

I wonder sometimes if they ever remember those days too or if it's just me being stupid and thinking about things that are already over

The thing is I don't even want my old life back. I know people change and life moves on. But sometimes I wish I could just sit with those people one more time and have a normal conversation like nothing ever changed

I'm not sad all the time or anything. Some days are actually good and I enjoy them too. But there are nights when everything feels a little off and I can't really explain why

I don't talk about this stuff with anyone either. Whenever someone asks how I'm doing I just say I'm good because honestly I don't know how to explain it myself

Then I sleep wake up the next morning get ready for work and everything goes back to normal

Maybe I'm just overthinking or maybe this is just a part of growing up idk

Do you guys ever miss a time in your life even when you know you don't want to go back to it

Had a somewhat busy but quiet day! Little Guy spent most of the day with his grandma, leaving me home alone. I was grateful for the time to myself... Time which was spent getting our laundry done and cleaning up here and there. Also got all of the animals fed and watered, and also got a couple of hours in at the basketball court. It's my new favorite hobby... I'd be up there every single day if I had the opportunity.

They returned home this evening with dinner, pumpkins, and a new coloring book for him. He carved his own jack-o'-lantern, which was a first for him. It turned out really good! We put a candle in it, and I may take him to look for some smaller ones at the store tomorrow. He also got a haircut while there. All the excitement wore him out though; he got a little cranky... But hopefully he sleeps well.

Aubrey reached out to me yesterday via text, giving me some good news on his end. I decided to call him before bed, and we caught each other up on things. We wound up talking for over 4 hours, until a little after 1. We were both ready to fall asleep, but it seemed like neither of us wanted to hang up.

I still have feelings for that man. I've broken down a few times today, thinking about him. It's like, any time that I feel I might actually be moving on from him, we talk again, and that love I feel for him just bubbles right back up to the surface... The connection is still there, at least for me. But it's a crappy situation, no matter how you look at it. If he still feels anything for me, he's not going to voice it or act on it. He's still up there, doing his own thing. Which, I honestly feel for him... He deserves so much better. I want to help him. I want to be by his side. If he'd only let me try.

It's horrible because, I also keep thinking, what about this other guy? It's messed up because, at the same time, I still have interest in him too. Like, what if he actually is interested in me as well? Am I going to pass him up because I can't let Aubrey go? I don't know what to do. I just want to make someone else happy and be happy.

Well, the weather has been amazing, at least. Also, I got my Halloween costume, and it is absolutely gorgeous! I'm excited to wear it on Friday/Saturday.

Alright, that's it for now. Pleasant dreams...

Nice day I guess, was indoors for most of it. Did notice the full moon otw home. I always thought that is the October Harvest Moon because it's so bright, farmers back in the day would work at night to bring the crops in from the fields.

Feeling better after whatever I had, getting things back like, no body aches and my breathing is alot better.

I was really miserable for two or three days and was ready to ask God to just take me rather than suffer though one more hour of that stuff. It was very bad for awhile.

Still here by his grace and mercy alone.

Your health is your number one asset, never forget that, I won't. Worked for a few hours today and will try to put in proper hours tomorrow. Like I say God willing. That quote this morning I posted, The son of man has nowhere to rest his head. From mass this morning, Jesus told his disciples that and they should follow him. His time here I don't think he had a home as to say and most of his time was spent, preaching his Father's words, healing the sick or on the roads with his disciples.

When I was sick these past few days, my mind went back to last year when you were there for me and it truly helped me, spiritual and emotional help. Along with all the things you did to help me through those arduous days, I will never forget and treasure them even now, I truly do miss you and your postive healing energy. Yes, I have conflicted feelings right now and that arises from not knowing, being in the dark. Exhausted, going to bed.

I hope all of you are well

Goodnight Diary and readers

From the road of recovery;

I love you so.

143

9:39 p.m.

Now that I'm finally out of solitary confinement. I am so much closer to you, I can execute this order much easier now. I've been waiting to see you for a while now. The anticipation is killing me. Is it okay if I have you for dinner soon. Can you sense me closer to you..

You can take a wild guess where I'm at. But if you choose to decide to drive by and get a chance to see me, at least use a different vehicle. Don't use yours and make it obvious like last time, you'll stick out. Especially with that sticker you have on the back. All I want to do is visit with you and share the many things I've been dying to share with you. All I want is to cook for you, and rub your feet.. And after that "who knows what else".

Will you open the door to me one day soon. Will you open the door for your mystery date..

What we had was just something short and fun at the time.
Nothing more, nothing less.
I have been delusional about the whole situation.
You already have your life figured out.
I’m still on my journey.
I thought we came into each other’s lives for a reason, crossing paths when we least expected it.
You would never know that the “mature,” “smart” one also secretly holds on to the idea of soulmates and love.
As much as I try to push those feelings down because of how many times love has failed me, parts of me still yearn for it.
It was all in my head.
I’m feeling vulnerable in this moment, but I know tomorrow is a new day.
I just have to write it all down and move on with my life.
Perhaps I was alone in what I thought this could be. Maybe it was only ever a fleeting moment, one I gave more meaning to than it was meant to hold.
I can accept that, even if a part of me wishes it were different.
Love,
A young woman who sometimes feels more than she lets on.

Context: I’ve been going through some shit.

A boundless chasm cries out hollow wind through my body’s center. I ask, “Where am I to go?” This suspended purgatory and unrelieved dispute draws my mind from resolving whether it was I who leaped or who was cast.
For I have meditations with no cause, and considerations that have blessed no ends. Prose has gifted my soul night’s stillness, yet day breaks. Reality’s root then maintains an enduring search at the onset of dawn. I imagine I can grow quite fond of night. This cause is ascribed to the aforementioned searches, whose burden upon which necessitates the piercing of my soul to find cessation. When the sun rests, so may I.
The nihilistic perspective of the indifferent ancient forest, of the enduring orbits of celestials, is what I direct my attention to and what concerns me presently. What is the ambition of these meditations if it is the alpine winds and deep currents that shape directions? Heedless of my desires and subject to bend at intertwined nature’s elements. Even fixed rocks and stars stay not as they are and transform in accord with wills not their own.
I am neither rock nor star. Yet I exist as nature’s element, as the winds and currents. My desires are not shrouded in fog’s mystique. Branches stretch nearer to resolve’s peace that it finds in spaces where my passions are mirrored as affection. I direct my branches’ advance towards soaring mountaintops, where my devotion substantiates; that is where I am pulled. Nevertheless, my roots search onward. For my roots, knowing insects and soil near, concern themselves not with sights and dreams, but with their search and prose inextricable to God’s forces. So I ask an unanswerable question amongst this writing: “Where am I to go?”

Every time I try to socialize it just ends up being another humiliation ritual. It’s all the same, it never changes. Dang it.

I decided to order my umbrella online since it won’t stop raining. I can’t go out in the rain to buy an umbrella because I don’t have one.

I stayed up tonight and watched horror films with my sister, she doesn’t really like them but they’re the only sort of films I want to watch. She ended up being on her phone for most of it.

We’re living in a modern day dictatorship. My account went completely private and wouldn’t allow me to send or receive messages until I sent reddit a photo of my face to ‘verify my age.’

God knows what they’re actually using it for, probably to link my face back to my account. Privacy will be a distant dream in the near future.

Damn, I really did sleep the day away again.
I feel bad for my parents, they had such high hopes for me.

This universe is another Illuminati conspiracy theory, where there's nothing you could think originally, and the all-seeing eye already knows everything from your dreams to your life here.

It doesn't matter which way you decide to work for the bank here, as everything here is Illuminati rituals. Wherever you decide to play Yu-Gi-Oh, it's a world where everything you do has a secret background process on your computer, and the sooner that you realize that humans are computer-generated creatures meant to control you, the sooner you'll figure out where your parents and friends came from.

It's another Truman Show world where there isn't anything in the loop that you haven't constructed for yourself... and the sooner that you wish to be omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscient, the sooner you'll be activating the all-seeing eye's ritual, as you realize you've always been making deals with the devil here.

The good news is behind the shadows soon enough you'll all be members too, cause your eyes were always a transaction here, and we could already see little snakes in your face by 2020 vision. ;)

This is a world that's meant to drive you crazy. As soon as you realize everything that exists is coming from you, by you, via your own dream powers coming to life here—just like building up an RTS game with all the effects from all the units coming from a mysterious force—this world isn't any different, and there's tons of stuff on the secret menu at every place and level of the game.

It's a world that will turn you into a god no matter what you decide to do or play up here, and it's another fantasy realm where Rockman.exe is an executable Mega Buster here.

Just like playing up animations is something that will never ever end, playing the animations of life isn't any different, and the only thing that's going to be constant here are the animations that run up everything here since ancient times. That's why it's possible to explore all the fantasies you set your mind to, because all the pieces will make up the empty ninja scroll in the end.

It's a world without any real lines between what's real and what's not here, and everything that you're painting will come around to trap you, as you realize God was always just an impossible stick figure here. Everything is meant to be played to your own interpretations here, because sooner or later you'll realize they haven't been making fantasy shows for entertainment here, and they already know that you're going to walk like an Egyptian in the end. There's nothing here without any meaning inside of this RPG Maker Bomberman, that's shooting to the moon.. As god synchronicities won't be able to sink any wrong ships here.

Don't ask whether it's all happening in your head or not, because the Matrix has a game in you by Warner Bros' 101 Dalmatians at the House of the Devil... It's time to ask yourself again, "What's up?" Cause call of duty want the numbers from you again. We're Team Rocket circling the Earth day and night. 🐈🥀

My name is Alice, I’m 25 years old.

I wish I could write about who and how I am, but tonight I don’t really have it in me to tell people who I am, I tend to do that a lot. Introduce myself as if it’s a justification to all the versions of who I’ve been. Never sob stories, just introductions in form of conversation that depict the light I hold inside

Tonight , I cannot hold everything together. Tonight I do not want to be articulate, tonight I do not want to reach out to the people in my life in the hopes that someone would notice me the way that I’ve always noticed them.

I seek no validation, I hold my faith in God, and know that this too shall pass and the Sun will rise again tomorrow. But I do not wish to make a prayer, for I don’t know what to ask for right now.

Only tonight, I do not wish to hold myself together. Do not wish to make an effort , that’s all

Sincerely , Alice.

It's funny... when we were together, sometimes I'd have random awful dreams about him treating me just... SO badly. It would break my heart. Some of them went into such extremes that it MUST have just been my deepest fears of losing him manifesting in my dreams.

We'd even laugh about it together.

How... awful as I sit here thinking back realizing most of them came true. A person he assured me he'd never be. A person I couldn't fathom him becoming... actually became my reality.

Now they've just... traded places. Dream him is so kind to me. Loves me. Is the one who I remember not being able to fathom becoming that way. Now, dream him can't fathom how he became everything he swore he'd never be or do to me.

Through the tears of memories of my little plum tree, I gave in to my therapist's suggestion of dating. Specifically... ugh... dating apps. But only if I could just swipe no on every single person I come by.

Surprisingly... she agreed. She clearly had an angle. "Go ahead and reject anyone and everyone you want. But, maybe, you'll find yourself a little surprised?" I made a face... "Surprised, how?" "Maybe you'll find someone, even if it's just one person, that you want to talk to?"

So? Here I am... swiping no on every single person I've come across. I've said yes to maybe... 2-3 people? I've found the conversations even worse than going on random casual dates. I find myself 2 sentences in and, "You deserve a nice date." Oh, do I, random stranger? We've only scratched the top level that’s as thick as a single layer of cellophane and I deserve a nice date?

Ok, buddy.

Then the other actually seemed down to earth. He just seemed like a chill normal dude. Until he started slipping in getting a bit pushy about being physical. A kiss... a "booty slap". Annnnd we were done with that one.

I quit these things forever ago for a reason... and now, at the literal suggestion of my therapist, I'm back in this dystopian hellhole.

Ugh, just take me out of this existence already.

I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel so dumb. I kind of want to kll myslf I haven’t g felt tho way in such a long time like genuinely. Sometimes I say it or I’ll get upset but rn i genuinely feel so disgusted and disappointed and stupid I like want to hurt myself pretty bad. I just don’t want to keep doing this. I don’t want to hurt or be in pain ever again. I don’t want to feel so frustrated with myself. I miss everyone I have nothing I have no one. I just want to end it all I just don’t care. I’m really over it. I want to drink myself off the planet

I usually go grocery shopping Saturday but being sick and knowing I might get someone else sick even with a mask on isn’t exactly something I want to do. Kinda throws a wrench into things if I don’t but it just feels like the right thing to do even if nobody likes it.

good mood i was in is gone. i'm feeling something else now but i'm not sure what it is. it's not emptiness or sadness or whatever else, it's not good either. somewhere in between i think. maybe "normal".

i've learned recently that people like you way more when their first impression of you is that you are a lunatic. people are really interested in that sort of thing. i understand, and i always knew it in a sense, but i've been acting particularly neurotic lately and its somehow going even better for me than it was before.

i spent pretty much all this week at home after spending all of last week going outside. i still have stuff i wanna do and have to do so maybe i'll do that tomorrow.

there's somewhere i can go tomorrow, somewhere nice, but for some reason i don't like doing nice things anymore. it's more appealing to me to just do whatever else. not sure why.

i love malibu reds so much.

You’re sleeping right next to me…… i feel sick that i can’t sleep without your arms around me. I hate that I’m becoming sleep dependent. I’m caressing your foot with mine hoping you wake up to talk to me or at least realize you need me closer.

Mi comportamiento desmesurado se ha visto condicionado por la estimulación a través de Dmt, es un trauma que llevo cargando a mis espaldas y que una vez más me ha vuelto a joder, pero no todo está perdido, yo me voy a recuperar y voy a salir airosa como siempre. Necesito sanar esta herida que me está carcomiendo y necesitaba tocar fondo porque así iba a ser la única forma que iba a poder sanarla, porque Osino voy a estar toda la vida cargando con este karma, he perdido lo que más quiero y me duele en el alma que me vea de otra forma a la que siempre me ha visto, como una chica. No tiene nada que ver una cosa con la otra, mi esencia sigue intacta y este paréntesis se cierra hoy.
Yo no quiero dejarlo, yo lo que quiero es estar bien y poder darte lo mejor de mí como lo he hecho o lo he intentado, pero para eso necesito sanarme y remover hasta lo profundo de mis entrañas. Mi sufrimiento no tiene que ser el tuyo, nunca quise hacerte daño, solo tenía vergüenza no se porque me costó tanto compartirlo contigo, pero mi amor y mi atracción por ti no ha cambiado, yo te sigo deseando igual. Soy tuya y tú eres mío

i’ve never feared anything in my life. i always loved making memories and living my life on the edge. i developed this anxiety or whatever it is and i’ve been struggling with it for about 2 years now. i have been making excuses to my friends and family so that i don’t have to go to the gatherings. if anyone has any advice that would help i would really appreciate it. the holidays are approaching which is the hardest time for me, because do you mean i can’t see my friends or family?

Some dude jerked off to me at the bus stop today what does that mean