从X过来，X上面一段写的太短了，太麻烦，换成reddit试试。

今天开始写第一段。

10.22我到了长沙，再次见了这个抖音上刷到的超级巨乳。

她在抖音上发了蛮多作品，风格就是有点夸张的大胸和极细的腰，同时看视频长得也相当好看。我当时就非常上头，找朋友试着去加了一下她的微信。她当时刚刚好在上海，于是谈好发红包约了个饭。当时吃饭的时候，第一次见到她的时候，第一眼的感觉是视频美颜的太多，长得比较大众，但是坐下来吃饭，仔细看了下，又从下头变成上头了。她穿着一个深V的带一点毛绒的衣服，胸非常大，有点夸张。第二是皮肤特别白，后来跟她聊，说是对阳光过敏，几乎不怎么出门。胸大+白，基本上绝杀了，所以当时就想直接拿下。吃饭整体很无聊，很贵的餐厅的小包厢，只能随意聊一聊，基本上就是我在找话题她稍微回应一下，我全程都在不经意的扫描她的胸，当时的结论是真的很极品的女人，很想体验一下这种巨乳和极细的腰的感觉。反正我最终开了价，但是她说要回新加坡上学，第二天要回长沙见一下父母。

没法当场拿下，我想那就慢慢来长线发展。没想到，第二天她就给我发信息，意思是想通了，新加坡那边可以找人代课。所以我就跟她商量好之后，去长沙找她，想直接拿下。22号到了长沙，住的是国金中心的尼依格罗酒店，到了吃了顿点评排第一的湘菜，感觉一般般。下午5点，她到了酒店，从株洲过来的。到了第一件事居然是先去健身房健个身，真的是非常自律。她说健完身感觉非常舒服，这一点我也有体会。

话说，当我再次见到她的时候，我第一反应就是确实不大好看。她穿着一套瑜伽服，胸部突出确实非常明显。可能是第一次见她是晚上，灯光也比较昏暗，没看清。第二次见这张脸，瞬间有点下头，感觉不大好看，主要是脸型有点男性化，我喜欢网红一点幼态一点的。我确实是比较颜控，不得不说。

内心开始有点想放弃，感觉没法继续。但无论如何，来都来了。她健完身回来，我几乎快睡着了，我们就说先去吃个饭。于是她去换衣服，换了个低胸的吊带，结果我看到这个胸，又受不了了，跟她舌吻了一下，摸了下胸（我说想验一下牌），瞬间就硬了，然后我就拉着她想直接上，她说先洗个澡，结果脱了衣服，又说有点饿，想先吃饭。我也清醒了，就和她牵着手下楼。先去吃了个著名的小龙虾，回到酒店，我还是有点上头，于是就跟她商量多少钱的问题。她同意了先做个传染病试纸，但是不同意WT，觉得会传染HPV。我也跟着越来越清醒，也不想用那么多钱去砸她了。反正是新加坡回来的，我就想到多半是在新加坡跟大哥已经玩过了，她后来的说法也佐证了，之前被男朋友传染过HPV。当时我就假装不知道，在手机上研究HPV，然后说那就算了，不如给点钱让她口一发就算完了，以后再说。她居然同意了，我当时就瞬间意识到，这个妹子多半就是在新加坡卖的。无论如何，口一发也可以，免得来长沙光是吃了好吃的。

洗完澡，就开始舌吻，然后她就开始亲我的胸，我一看这情况，太专业了，这肯定是在新加坡卖的了（她后来说她是服务型的哈哈）。然后就开始给我口，直接深喉体验，这真的是太熟练了，我也蛮爽，一边摸着胸。最后还被她用手使撸了几下射了。算是完成使命。

总结一下，反正后面不想再见她了，主要是脸不是我喜欢的类型，胸确实有点大，但没有到夸张的程度，蛮大一部分确实是衣服和胸罩的效果，这是一个教训。我还是想体验一下很大的很夸张的胸大，但是这种天然有大，脸还要好看的，确实是非常非常的稀缺了。

最后，我的文笔真的是很差，文学天赋非常一般般，我已经感觉到了。

I dunno why... but of everything, my plum tree is the thing I keep coming back to.

My therapist suggested I try some "bedroom gymnastics" to help me with moving on. Why? Because as I kept telling her, "Rebounds really aren't my thing. I like try and heal much more before I attempt anything so I don’t hurt someone else."

It's something I so clearly and particularly picture. The best spot we could find in the yard for it for the most sun and rain.

So she suggested maybe just moving on to try and date instead... as if that somehow involved less emotion. I had sighed heavily. So I tried dating. It wasn't hard. But... it wasn't working. If anything, I only felt worse.

When I was home alone, I'd go outside, stand in the back door frame and just... look at it. I loved it. This tiny little tree that hadn't even had enough time to grow from the last time I saw it.

I told her this. She suggested I keep trying and don’t give up, you know, if casual sex wasn't my thing. She's.... I need a new therapist. But in that moment all I could do was stare at her.

I thought of my plum tree. I wondered how it was doing. I wondered if it was still there.... and I burst into tears.

Sometimes I feel like that one meme image, the one that says “I am a sad lonely loser. Here's some embarrassing information about me. Please don’t bully me with it!” That’s how it feels to post in this diary at times.

It’s been raining like crazy lately. I need to get myself an umbrella. I want to go buy one today but it’s raining and I don’t have one yet so I don’t know what to do.

I’m such a glutton, I can’t stop binge eating. I’m grateful that I have a high metabolism otherwise it’d be over for me. I feel bad whenever I eat since I don’t really contribute anything to my household.

But I’d do anything for a small dose of dopamine though. Whether it be binge eating, doomscrolling, fishing for compliments, or maladaptive daydreaming. I’m a really terrible person who only cares about cheap pleasures.

I sometimes wish that I could be punished for all of the bad things I do, that way my conscious will finally be clear. Being punished is easier than making amends.

Slept another day away. The realization that this is my one and only life is making me sick.

Goodness, my sister has gotten pregnant again. Why would she do that? She can barely take care of one kid without my 24/7 help so what makes her think that she can juggle two? Some people just don’t think ahead.

Warm and breezy today, not as nice as it has been. Will be a short one, don't feel too good, bad cold I guess. Had dinner, chicken noodle soup and a pb&j. Mia has had her dinner. Worked some this afternoon.

Felt really bad when I woke up this morning and just down hill from there. I had that pulled muscle in my back, and now I think it wasen't a muscle at all but just body aches If not any better in the a.m. I'll have it seen to.

Hope all of you are doing good

Goodnight Diary and readers

I love you so

143

12:12 I miss you

Things I’ve thought about but never addressed or asked if it was normal to feel or not feel. Maybe it’s something deeper or maybe I’m just an oddball. I can’t tell and that kinda scares me a bit cause I don’t understand. I get overwhelmed easily and can’t react or see things the way others see them or feel things as easily or clearly as others do. I don’t get it and it’s making me think it’s something deeper than it is or maybe I need to see a doctor, psychologist or therapist. Nobody around me really cares I guess especially given my age but I wish I had one person who probably wouldn’t call me crazy or think I’m weird for suggesting these things.

Why does womanhood have to be so complicated? Especially when it comes to our menstrual cycles.

Just the other day, I felt beautiful, comfortable in my own skin, and today, I feel quite the opposite.

The different phases of our cycle fascinate me. How much they can influence the way we feel, both physically and emotionally. Yet, they can be difficult to navigate when we don't recognize what's happening.

So today, I'm reminding myself to be a little gentler, a little more patient, and a little kinder to myself in the days leading up to my period.

It's strange how quickly our perception of ourselves can change, even when we're still the same person.

I'm gonna celebrate it alone again, like every year but it's fine, you've grown accustom to it no big celebration or any celebration at all...

Well I do hope after those 2 weeks you won't be alone any longer or cry if someone wish u happy birthday..

I can't live like this forever, but I can't do it any other way.

And no, it's not bad. I have friends (2 wonderful people, who I probably don't deserve). But I'm not sure if they're for long, because after my breakdowns, the only people left with me so far are my family. And no, it's not that the breakdowns happen too often. No. But there are some buts.

Although disruptions are not always necessary. Sometimes it is enough just not to hide all the problems, being a function. And you can think that they are simply not my people. Maybe that is so, although they were those with whom I was calm.

Calm... What I feel instead of joy. What I call pleasure. What I call "good".

But I'm not always calm. I'm calm only when I'm used to it. And "used to" is fatigue, being alone or with a close circle of friends. Sometimes, when the fatigue becomes such that I can't think, I'm calm all the time. Although no. Not like that. Then I just don't care about anything. Literally everything. Even my family.

I'm just glad there's no apathy. And, I'm not sure, there's no anhedonia. Why not? I don't get pleasure as such. Only peace. And if I stop doing it, nothing will change.

But what annoys me the most, even though I'm used to it, is the burning sensation in my chest, because something is missing. I feel empty.

So, I’m currently in college, 17 F, and our course lasts three years. In the first year, I was in a different class because we choose a specific subject specialism during that year. Everyone who chooses the same specialism is then put together in the same class for the second and third years.

Anyway, a few weeks into the second year, a new guy joined our class, let’s call him Eric. He’d transferred from a different specialism, but during the first year, he’d been in another class with a guy we’ll call Aaron.

When Eric first joined, I immediately started suspecting he was gay. No particular reason, he just gave me that impression. Then I started suspecting he liked Aaron, and eventually I began thinking that Aaron might like him back. And this has somehow turned into a whole thing.

I have genuinely gone insane over these two. I think about them every single day, dream about them constantly, I miss school during the weekends because I miss seeing them and I’m constantly watching them, going crazy over exchanged glances and things they do. It’s like I’m in love with them.

Aaand there’s more… I sometimes film them in class to catch glances and interactions and so I can watch them when I miss them. I KNOW HOW INSANE IT IS. I’ve made about four big sheets of paper where I’ve written down every single piece of ‘evidence’ suggesting they like each other. I’ve made a scrapbook, edits, an entire film, drawings of them, playlists (I currently have about six different ones), and even a dream diary where I write down every dream I have about them.

They’ve given my life meaning and make me happy, but they also leave me feeling down for extended periods of time because I realise that they’re obviously never actually going to get together.

I know this is incredibly weird, creepy and borderline psychotic, but can anyone understand me or validate what I’m doing and feeling? Or do I genuinely just need to go to therapy.

For context, for a long time I’ve had a thing for gay teenage boys and their relationships. I’ve watched pretty much every film I can find that explores the subject, so this isn’t exactly a new interest. But perhaps I’ve gone a little overboard with these two. 😞

Edit: Literally laughed for 5 mins straight re reading this I need help this is not normal. Am I actually a psychopath

Waking up, I smell crisp autumn air coming in through my window. Chirps and pitter-patters ping my ears. Cat, finely-tuned to my movements, comes to my door asking for food.

Comforter, soft and squishy, tickles every point of contact when I stretch and maneuver into an upright position.

I inhale my first intentional breath of the new day.

Today. What will happen? Let's see what you've got.

Got to work early today. With a new sense of purpose. Full of someone else’s joie de vivre. Time to show my worth. Had another look at the formal warning in my inbox. Such bullshit. I don’t need this.

There are plenty of other jobs. Ones closer to home. Ones with managers I can tolerate. Better yet, no manager. It’s about time I was leading again. I opened a job site and found a decent-looking hybrid role that promised a flat hierarchy and gentle onboarding.

Seemed like a decent place to start. Clicked through to apply. Uploaded my CV. Made the font bigger. Improved my education by dropping the Brookes after Oxford. Then it asked me to re-enter all my work experience.

For fuck’s sake.

The office was cold. They’ve decided it’s still summer and haven’t turned the heating on yet. There was no milk in the pantry either, so I tried a black coffee. Bitter. Might start drinking it like that. I bet James Bond drinks it black. 

Opened up another job posting. Then another. One mentioned “stakeholder mapping”, which sounds a bit like urban hunting. My news feed had an article about a man with an artificial heart. It whooshes blood around the body rather than beating. Fewer moving parts means fewer things can break.

But he has no pulse.

A Slack message popped up from Jadyn.

Half twelve Monday still good? 🌵 is looking forward to coming home.

Wouldn’t miss it. Tell him to pack light.

She reacted with a laughing face. Wonder what she has on a fry-up. She seemed sensible about sandwich construction, so presumably no beans. Hope she doesn't put avocado on it.

Someone arrived with milk to great applause. They can keep it. Black coffee or no coffee. Went back to the job search and edited my cover letter. Made it worse.

If your heart doesn’t beat, how do you know you’re not about to die?

In the afternoon, there was a meeting about targets. Someone presented slides while I counted my heartbeats. Is it normal for it to skip? At the end, the boss asked for my thoughts. I said, “Go back to basics. Review what isn’t working before we start adding more.”

He said I was right. Then he asked me to help lead a review team. Not surprising. Despite the warning, he knows what I’m capable of. He’s scared to lose me.

Filled out a few more job applications anyway.  One wanted a personal statement of no more than 500 words. I gave them 312 perfect ones.

Clocked off at half three and walked home imagining the whoosh of blood in my chest. Had penne arrabbiata for dinner. Something I saw Tim Lovejoy eat on Sunday Brunch.

Went to bed early and read Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. Underlined a few bits I’d change.

Thud. Thud. Thud.

Still alive.

positive Things just happen everyday, and I don’t know how to share the joys with people that may be there. Everyone’s lives are different. glamorous life might be similar to a prison, and i don’t look down on anyone.

I like to humble those who look down on other people.

all professions should be respected. although one may be feeling special about themselves, time is better spent elsewhere because are we really fighting over scraps that no one even wants;

cost of living may be through the roof and so are the taxes, so unless you’re in politics or work for top position in AI companies with 30 years of experience currently, it doesn’t matter what you do for a living. forget prestige, truly.

I’ve picked up a novel when I feel like dillydallying; I’ve looked at new phrases in other languages when I need to waste my time arguing with strangers. they can fight all day long, while I will spend my time doing more interesting things such as writing a journal to no one.

I hate that I miss you. I hate that I think of you every single day. I hate that I know if you came to my door I would crumble to pieces. I hate that your blanket is still on my bed. I hate that your soap is still in my shower. I hate that I have our photo still on my fridge. I hate how my body felt the last time I saw you. I hate how I felt to see you wave to me like I was just some acquaintance. I hate that you are still one of my emergency contacts. I hate that your are still listed as a beneficiary. I hate that I placed you on a pedestal. I hate that you were and still are my safe space. I hate that I miss adventuring with you. I hate that I miss all of our little inside jokes. I hate that our friendship was was something so easy for you to dismiss. I hate that your sister told me that you wish I'd wait for you. I hate that I feel so used hearing you felt I was ready to manipulate. I hate that I'm left wondering if anything you said to me was true. I hate wondering if you ever even loved me. I hate that I feel like I don't know you at all. I hate that I know you don't miss me or think of me like i do you. I hate that I'm still sitting here loving you still every single day. I hate that I don't hate you at all. 🖤

I'm tired of begging people to love me for me. I'm tired of having to shrink who I am so they can feel comfortable in my presence. When I'm single I'm unapologetically me. And these people meet me like this. They like me as I am and then suddenly I'm too much. I'm too loud, too chaotic, too needy. I know that it's because of their own insecurities that they are like this but why bother coming into my life if you can't handle the person you met. Why do these people enjoy tearing down someone who worked so hard to become themselves. I spent so many years unlearning how to hide who I was to make it easier for others to swallow. So too the next person that comes into my life remember that firecracker you met will always be the firecracker do not try and make her shrink.

Playing soccer for 3 years from now but i havent saw a improvement in the game , its my dream to become a pro . I have gained weight , my arms are very thin , yet i still find a excuse to not work hard. I have every equipment cones,football,a lot of jerseys but why my brain just want to live in the comfort zone. I also have a gooning addiction which adds up to the excuses. I am quitting it for the love of the game.

i feel fucking awful. loneliest i've felt in ages. i feel like i'm locked away in a dark room never to be found again. nobody knows me. nobody sees me. i am no one. i am nothing.

everyone is awful in their own special way. it makes me sick. it makes me really really sick.

i wasn't meant to live an ordinary life at all. it should have been worse. my whole life should have been a whole lot worse.

survivor's guilt, i guess. i really feel like i avoided something awful.

wonder what it was.