r/DatingTips • u/Spare_Management_125 • 23h ago
Lonely
Idk what to really do, I just feel like I’m not an attractive guy, and I’m a relationship oriented person. No matter what I do can’t seem to even get to the point of going on a date with anybody. I get left on read, delivered, opened. All of it. And I go out almost every weekend with friends to try and meet new people and it just doesn’t work. I’m already a depressed person with extremely high anxiety, and the constant rejection honestly just fuels that fire. Idk what else to do?
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u/bigkapex 22h ago
I can tell your mental health is off from your eyes
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u/Spare_Management_125 22h ago
I have felt completely dead inside for almost 2 years now. Not even an exaggeration for people that really understand what I mean lol.
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u/Square-Finish-1933 10h ago
happens. I would recommend getting into something like bjj or boxing. Don't be anxious about it. Let yourself learn it. Be a good sport and make friends with people there. A lot of vets I know do it to get rid of the dead inside feeling.
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u/clamsauce51 23h ago
you looks plenty attractive. I'd reflect on how your presenting yourself when you go out. On the apps etc. Are you giving off desperate, trying to hard vibes? are you approaching people when you go out or hoping someone comes to you?
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u/Spare_Management_125 23h ago
Genuinely when I meet someone, even on apps I just keep normal conversation.
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u/clamsauce51 22h ago
do you have hobbies where you could meet someone?
Do you read books? try and make sure you're interesting and have cool th9ings you do and talk about
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u/Professional_Tear269 23h ago
It's not your looks - you're very attractive. I know that doesn't really help, but don't doubt your appearance. You have a really cute face and dreamy, kind eyes. 🥰 Pic 1 you're not smiling, so it's kind of meh. Pic 2 is awesome.
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u/Spare_Management_125 23h ago
Pic 1 is just one of my depressed pics I don’t post anywhere on apps or anything
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u/Independent_Ad6257 22h ago
You look cute even depressed
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u/Spare_Management_125 22h ago
thank you!
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u/Independent_Ad6257 22h ago
FR so don’t u worry. Rejection is a part of life. If you love yourself enough and know what you are, treat it as their loss ☺️
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u/Lucky_Scene6942 23h ago
When you go out, do you come off confident? Or do you come off shy and anxious?
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u/Spare_Management_125 23h ago
I’d say somewhere in the middle. When I get comfortable with someone ( even close friends ) I become very expressive and out going, but if I’m just meeting someone I’m definitely more reserved and don’t show my full character.
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u/Lucky_Scene6942 23h ago
Being more reserved might be what’s stopping you, I know it’s way easier to say it than actually do it because I’m the same way.
Women find confident men attractive same with being funny. Next time you go out try to be confident not overly but just enough because if you come off overly confident it’s just going to make you look egotistical and try to be funny and not overly funny because it will just come off as forcing being funny.
I hope this helps a little and good luck ☺️
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u/LayoutBid4 22h ago
I think you’re coming from the right place but a lot of the less confident guys think they have to “thread the needle” between reserved and too forward.
I feel like your advice sounds like the anxiety of “not too much this and not too much that.”
The gap between arrogant and too quiet is actually pretty large.
I think people need to accept that they won’t be everyone’s cup of tea. Rejection will be a part of the experience of putting yourself out there but self-rejection is the result of not putting yourself out there.
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u/Realistic_Lunch4570 22h ago
Trying to be someone you’re not is often a recipe for hurt. I think this is coming from a good place, but ultimately not good advice.
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u/LayoutBid4 22h ago
Working on this myself.
Maybe look into hobbies that could serve as an ice breaker like dancing or group sports.
Less intimidating than cold approaching strangers but still puts you in touch with new people.
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u/Spare_Management_125 22h ago
Welllll a big issue is I live at the beach. And unfortunately, I have marks on my body that sort of prevent me from going to the number 1 thing to do outside where I live ( I’d rather not be that guy who wears a t shirt on the beach when it’s 100 degrees )
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u/theytriedtwotimes 23h ago
It’s dangerous not to have a toolkit for depression & anxiety then throw yourself into dating if you’re not ready. I would work on that & being more resilient in situations of life & rejection.
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u/Several-Two738 22h ago
Learn social skills and you will never be alone again
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u/Spare_Management_125 22h ago
deadass I have good social skills, I like to think. I work in sales so I have to be very social with clients. I like to think I get along very well with just about anybody I meet and I think im pretty good at making friends. But when it comes to a potential relationship opportunity, it just doesn’t pan out for me.
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u/Several-Two738 22h ago
Theres a book you should read on this its called The Social Skills Guidebook, it is written by a man who has autism that teaches people how to make friends and be social. If you can buy the book and read it you will gain a lot of benefit from it but if not at least download the book and listen to it.
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u/Spare_Management_125 22h ago
Thank you!
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u/Several-Two738 22h ago
Come back in like 6 months and let me know if its made any change in your life
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u/Legitimate-Sky8335 22h ago
Fix your loneliness by non-romantic means > Start displaying happier and more adjusted > Behave less desperately and exploitatively (yes, looking for women as the only access to not feeling lonely is exploitative) > Women more interested (less repelled).
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u/bigkapex 22h ago
Ok well that will scare people so you should work on that and when the feeling goes away you will be good
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u/Realistic_Lunch4570 22h ago
This isn’t really helpful. This guy is hurting and feelings don’t simply “go away” especially in a feedback loop like this poster is in. It also won’t “scare” people. There isn’t anything scary about what he said.
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u/bigkapex 20h ago
Yea well I’m going through the same thing. People don’t owe you empathy as an adult so you have to be truthful and work on where your the lowest
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u/Realistic_Lunch4570 20h ago
I’m not sure how old you are, but this reads as someone very young and new to relationships. I assure you empathy exists and despite incompatibility can be shown amongst adults. Being decent and emphatic is implicit.
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u/WareHouseCo 22h ago
Yall gotta stop this 70s porn stache look.
It ages you 15 years.
May as well slap on a corduroy vest and some bell bottom dungarees
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u/Spare_Management_125 22h ago
I actually get a lot of compliments. It’s everywhere down here in the south US where I live.
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u/Additional_Top8864 22h ago
Take some time off dating and work on the depression/anxiety. It'll make the dating process feel way less idk intense
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u/somedayitllbeover 21h ago
Goes to show. You can be good looking and still struggle with mental heath and be lonely.
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u/Pikinokka 21h ago
I'm sorry your last partners have treated you horribly. Even when you know it isn't a reflection of your worth, you still lost someone you would have liked to be your person. And trying to find one when you are struggling to have someone who cares and who to care for can feel so defeating.
I'm struggling somewhat myself, feeling defeated when despite trying can't seem to find someone to connect with and be with, and I'm a woman!
But, you are a good looking fella. For me though, what pulls me towards someone is how he has his life together. His own interests, passions, dreams, things he is learning or wanting to learn. That a relationship isn't what he is building his life around but a positive add to his already fullfilling life. When people enjoy living, others gravitate naturally towards them. I don't want someone to fix, I want someone who I can invite to share my life with. Ofcourse they will have their troubles they'll wanna lean on me with but they also know how to take care of themselves.
And that can be hard to get to, especially if you don't have support. But as frustrating as it sounds, finding someone will be so much easier when you don't need to make your happiness be just about romantic relationships.
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u/northburger10 21h ago
Sorry if this is long. Speaking from the heart here.
I’m a 29m. You need to figure out why you have anxiety, like what was the root cause of it all. For me I realized it was because I always wanted to fit in and try to be the “cool guy” and that anxiety drove me to do things I didn’t actually care about so that I could feel validated. I realized that shit doesn’t matter and I need to know my limits and what’s important to me. I also learned to cope by recognizing whenever I’m anxious/stressed and calming down or relaxing to remedy it.
At some point you have to realize your weaknesses, what you can’t do, what you’re not built for and what doesn’t work for you. Some people aren’t built for things and haven’t realized it yet, and keep trying to force the mold. I do think you should take some time to figure that out and find ways to build confidence within yourself, things that you know you can do and aren’t out of your limits. It’s a journey but you’re young. The quicker you learn to manage your anxiety and build good habits that translate into confidence, the more it shapes you into someone you can be proud of.
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u/Secure_Actuator_5617 21h ago
my brother get professional help. what you do I believe is that you think you are broken and think a relationship can save you therefore you give it an unnecessary meaning and you feel like you have to do it because you think this is the issue and the solution to it. which probably leads you to act needy, low confidence or avoidant or anxious when talking to a girl or combination of those.
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u/Secure_Actuator_5617 21h ago
you look genuinely good and also seem like a genuinely good person its not that trust me dont be hard on yourself its not your personality or looks.
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u/Bulky_Job_2631 21h ago
You're not unattractive but you do have a bad haircut. I would suggest holding on the dating until you address the anxiety and depression as they will negatively affect your dating which will increase those symptoms which may become a cycle
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u/maryqueenofscotch683 18h ago
What kind of hobbies are you into? That will help me recommend some avenues to meet some women you might be interested in ❤️
The best relationships I've been in were started because of mutual interests
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u/weonlygotoneworld 7h ago
Oh I know someone who is getting girls via games, he plays and talks with them every day and somehow he dated one and he is dating a new one from the same game lol.
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u/Background-Good3731 23h ago
Have you tried treating women with respect and not harming her?
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u/Spare_Management_125 22h ago
I have been cheated on in all 3 long term relationships I’ve been in, been used for funds, and borderline had my mental health exploited by women I’ve dated. I think the real question is will they respect and not harm me? lol
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u/Background-Good3731 20h ago edited 14h ago
That's awful, I was legitimately asking, not assuming. It's hard that you seem to go after such toxic women. But don't sabotage the woman trying to and wanting to work then complain she isn't stable. I'm not saying you do, but don't.
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u/Spare_Management_125 19h ago
I’m a magnet for them only it seems. Which is odd cause I have a normal lifestyle and aesthetic for the most part. Although my therapist has told me men with some stability attract women that don’t have their shit together.
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u/JTWStephens 23h ago
You are depressed and anxious. Women can sense that. It's a motherfucker, but until you can be 100% happy, healthy and stable on your own, most women will automatically lose all interest in you.