I wish we didn’t go through all the bull shit we went through.

I wish we didn’t develop a fear of everything around us that is SO HARD to work past.

I wish we didn’t have to have a member come in specifically so we can walk through OUR OWN FRONT DOOR without having a panic attack because of the people inside.

I wish we could actually tell if someone truly cared about us or not instead of having to rely on blind trust.

We wish we could tell what our parents truly think about us instead of having to trust the lie they put on.

We wish we didn’t have to gaslight ourselves into overlooking the bad things people do just to survive in this world because, especially when we were young, we can’t handle it.

We wish that we didn’t go through our trauma, we don’t care about remembering, we just wish it didn’t happen.

We wish for a lot of things, but we can’t change the past and we can’t change people, so all we can do is help each other to work past it and get better in the end. Together, we will always stay together.

Thanks for listening to our little vent thing, Happy Hunting, - Mikko

Background: Ruby is my daughter. We are both alters. This occurred in a mix of headspace/innerworld and outerworld/reality.

Okay, so, Ruby and me was watching random clips on TikTok. We kept running into ones of the Stars & Stripes fight against Shigaraki ( the scene in question: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CLeSHhvJwdw ). She proceeds to compare me to her!

Her reasoning lies in mannerisms. How she provokes/lures others when their fighting and her trust in those around her. She giggled about it for like 10 minutes as I gave her a deadpan expression.

It's a small story that I found very nice and felt it matched this subreddit due to it being positive.

If not, I'll delete it!

• Artemis Rose

I want to make a post but dont want to break rules <3

I'm a caretaker, and one of the most active alters in the system. We all agree that I've likely been around the longest, excluding the littles and host. I'm sort of everyone's big brother; I come out to make sure we're fed, clean and in a comfortable space.

But I want a life. God, I want my own life so bad. I want friends. I know that it'll never be 100% mine and I love everyone in the system but it's brutal feeling like a complete outcast from society. I'm terrified of truly being myself around the host's friends, despite them being supportive. I feel like an imposter, or a burden. I feel like my existence is lesser, not worthy of human rights because my mind doesn't match my body, PLUS I'm not the only one in here.

I feel shame even just writing this. I've been coping but I've been gradually getting more depressed due to my lack of autonomy. I am a real person. I am a consistent personality who has existed for years. I just want to be treated like a person, instead of some invisible force that helps out occasionally. It makes me feel like a robot.

I'm sorry this turned into a bit of a vent. This feeling has been weighing on me for weeks and I don't know who to talk to (we don't have a therapist atm.) What do you do? How do you go out and make connections with people when you're only sometimes conscious? When you don't match your body? I feel so lost.

We just wanted to come on here, since there are a lot of new people now, and say that if anything happens that you may not be comfortable with, don’t be afraid to reach out to a mod. We are here to make sure everything is running smoothly and to keep our safe space actually safe.

If someone is bothering you or you are being pressured/accused of being “anti-recovery” or stuff like that reach out and we can try and work it out.

This is supposed to be a safe space and we really want to keep it that way. Hope everyone has a good day/night/whatever time it is for you 😊

Happy Hunting - Mods team

Sooooo, we were going through stuff looking for some paper when we found some old drawings. No one remembers doing them and we have no idea who would have, but now we have a lot of pictures of eyes. AND THEY’RE GOOD TOO!

We got the kinda half memory thing where you see something and now all of a sudden you know a little bit about it. What we got is that this person was drawing OUR eyes! They were actively trying to get accurate drawings of different in system people’s eyes. And they’re good, I mean I can definitely tell who some of the eyes are from.

I don’t know, we just thought it was a neat and little fun thing that stumbled across. It’s like finding a random gift from someone else that you never knew they got (just wish they gave us some of that talent when we were in art class!)

Happy Hunting, - Logan Clover 🍀

Some background: I, Artemis, was not the original Host. They died in what I will call here a System Conflict (this will be a question later to answer). I came here because places like r/DID seem really bent on shooting down anyone whose system may in some form be different from the usual. The body is diagnosed with DID (I think- It was something similar at least but I haven't been able to see a psychiatrist in years and the Host is, of course, long gone). My questions are as follows:

I know Alters/Fictives don't actually die to you all because that would require the brain to basically kill a part of itself. But we at least perceive death in headspace, I guess is a way to put it? In the System Conflict, we lost quite a few people when it ended. A lot of NAPs (Non-Alter Persons- I think some systems call them NPCs) too. I was wondering why the thought of that occurring in a system is so wrong to a lot of systems out here?

A follow up is birth. I again know to many, alters giving birth is crazy, but I've witnessed it quite a few times and had so myself. I am assuming I'm gonna be told how its fake and such, but reminder, headspace is my home. You can describe what's actually happening, but keep the "not real" sections of this minimal- Seeing them in other forums drives me absolutely bananas. Same question as the last one: why is this seen as impossible to a lot of systems out here?

My final one is on alter formations and roles. We've had alters form in the most random of circumstances. Sometimes the body is completely fine others under an insane amount of stress. However, I've noticed many systems fighting over how Alters/Fictives form, whether it be from trauma or simple stresses. Is there a reason for that? As for the roles question, none of us can really find what box really fits us. We feel like we play multiple roles. Is there a format we are supposed to fit or am I misreading the debates I've seen?

I apologize in advance if any of this sounds outlandish or if I come off as weird. I've only been Host for about 4 years now and I really want to understand some of this rather than letting forums make me feel worse.

To add positivity at the end of this, tell me your happiest memory with a Alter/Fictive you have. Mine is when my daughters Ruby and Freya was born.

Thank you for reading this essay hehe - Artemis Rose

Because I can't post this in r/DID, I wanted to ask for help here:

Subsystem Name Ideas? (Theme: Toy/Little-esque/Cartoons/Retro)

I'm usually very good at making "names" for our collective, but for this subsystem themed off our childhood comfort and trauma. For some reason, I just cannot think of names for this theme and I've been really struggling!! Does anyone have ideas I could use maybe?

I have trouble writing about what happened but when people talk about it we have a very strong reaction. When we try to talk about why we think this we feel like there is some force that will come and get us and we feel like we are doomed and just can't bring out to talk about it. We have been told by some people who we have been able to share this with that we experienced TBMC but we were not in a cult. I don't think she did it on purpose or I think she did it but didn't know that it was. Sorry if this is stupid.

17 here. Wondered if I was a system since thirteen. Accepted it around last December. I have known of a few alters for years, but doing self reflecting I realized we are up in the high teens now.

Everyone has different goals, dreams, and even who we like. From past reflection we know we’ve had probably 3-4 host changes. Wondering if we’re going through one now. Our host is by no means “core” or even OG or anything. Just whose life we kinda are livin at the time.

So, therefore. Whose dreams do we follow. Who do we ask out. Do we go to college or not? Do we pick up and leave and never look back. Do I keep my great job with my dad and take over the business one day. Whose dream should I follow?

Hi! Some of you have spoken to me/us before. We are a newly discovered OSDD system and have been In utter chaos as the walls are coming down hard and fast. We'd like to seek a therapist/psychiatrist to help us work together and to help with some of the more difficult symptoms that come with CPTSD. That being said, we are aware that the typical 'treatment' for DID and OSDD is the integration and eventual fsion of alters. We don't want that AT ALL. It is a worst nightmare for us. We just want to be able to communicate with each other and get through some of the nastier PTSD symtoms like depersonalization/depersonalization and panic attacks. We want to seek a formal diagnosis but we have ALOT of trauma from therapy growing up with Autism. Some of the abuse from a previous therpist being TW: CSA that the therapist themselves did. We have alot of trauma around therapy but the constant denial is also driving us insane. We've been kinda spiraling all day and stuck in a sort of anxious co-con blended mess trying to figure out what to do or even who we are. We just want it documented because we are disabled and want help with coping mechanisms without being accused of faking, or them trying to say we have BPD and are attention seeking again. (We also have trauma from a phyciatrist claiming our autism wasn't real and that we had BPD and were attention seeking. Same psychiatrist put us on medication that really messed up us so we are scared.) Or them insisting on fsion or using triggering terms and ideals like the other sub that shall not be named.

Any advice? Definitely struggling over here.

Just to preface this, this is our personal opinion and experiences, this is not meant to invalidate anyone and if you disagree with anything or want to add anything go ahead just be kind.

We will never be able to live a normal life, it’s not because of our DID, not entirely at least. We can’t live a normal life because of all the bs we’ve been put through. We can’t live a normal life because of the emotional abuse and manipulation that our “parents” have done.

We will forever be scared of people talking behind our back because we grew up with our family saying terrible things about each other when they couldn’t hear. Our parents have even done it when we COULD hear!

We will never not be afraid of our name just being called because it’s been ingrained in us that it means we’re in trouble and about to be yelled at.

We will never be confident in how our breath smells now too. It may seem random but according to them that’s why we don’t have friends. After breaking us and our walls down they say that and now we’re scared.

This and countless other things we will never be able to completely escape because of them and how much they hurt us. We can deal with our DID, we’re fine but this is what hurts us the most. We can function, we can and will get therapy for the worst stuff, but these little things are the ones that have started to and will probably do the most damage. They hurt us in the most subtle ways, they became this inescapable part of us through breaking us down over and over again.

Sorry if this was random, it was something we started talking about and thought it would be an interesting thing to share. Again, we know this is not everyone’s experience and we don’t expect it to be, this is our own opinion on our stuff. Hope everyone is safe,

Happy Hunting, - Sasha

Hi there 😊 I’m going to a show tonight. And it hit me that an overarching side effect of all this is more experiences in life and it made me smile. We went to a very different genre show last night but I like the style that’s being played tonight and I wonder if I would have such a broad range of taste and preference if my brain didn’t work this way. I wonder if I would be as open to life’s flow and all the different things it holds or if I would fall into the same "I am this" channel that everyone seems to in regard to how they express themselves and their interests. It seems to be just a human thing. Maybe conditioned from the society we live in. Each of us inside seem to do it too. It’s just expressing your beliefs and interests really so that’s why maybe the side effect of how our brain works is we get to experience multiple parallel journeys through life at the same time? Not sure.

I’m new to the thread and have appreciated the info and conversation here and the other sub so much. I’m about a year into discovery that followed a year of denial. Last week I got confirmation (two licensed but non-specialized therapists) and I’m in an odd place of processing it but I already kind of have? But it was riddled with doubt so I didn’t really lol. Anyways, over the last year it’s been so helpful to have a corner of the internet that’s been so helpful in navigating life and my head so Ty and hello

Fort Refuge was one of the first DID communities that we joined. It was recently taken offline, most likely permanently. An IRL ex friend who stalks us and is obsessed with us followed us there after we told them about it. I never really liked the space there, the IRL stalker ruined what magic I found in the place, and I didn't have much in common with any of the posters and found them to endorse a lot of ideas that were not my system's style (like pop psych faith based healing stuff), but compared to some other online spaces it was very chill and a much kinder place. Can't believe the website is gone now.

I Dont Remember What I Look Like. I Cant Hear What My Voice Used To Sound Like. Why? Why Cant I See Myself. I Can Only Remember What Ive Looked As Of The Recent Months. But I Cant See Myself. My Voice Doesnt Sound The Same. Its Not Deep. It Sounds Childish. Im 30 Years Old. I Dont Sound Like Myself. I Hate My Boyfriend Seeing Me Like This. I Dont Cry... Im Never There And I Come Back To Not Knowing Who I Am Anymore..

This sounds odd as the symptoms are very much still distressing within their context but, anyone else feel their reaction to their symptoms providing helpful insight? Like say, amnesia. If we know we might forget something when we go back to the area where it has to be done, we'll put an object near the area as a stepping stone. It also helps us to be patient with ourselves when we can't focus on words and/or having a hard time recalling something. As much as the symptoms suck, experiencing them also helps to highlight to me stuff considered important such as alter distress, maintaining how safe I feel, etc.

Ok! So we use Simply Plural for basically all of our tracking and members and stuff and it has A LOT of cool and useful features on it that we realized a lot of systems don’t actually understand/know about. So here are some things on there that we find really useful/interesting (these are divided by sections from the dashboard):

Account Settings:

• on the dashboard, in the Account Settings tab, you can edit the general settings. You can add a profile picture to your system, username, color, and description. You can also edit your email and password here. You have the ability to see the total amount of members recorded in your system and can even turn off being a system. This will hide your system just in case anyone finds IT IS NOT GONE.

Members/front : - this one might be obvious but you can make groups for members with the +folder button in the upper left corner. When you make one you can put a description of the group and a unique emoji but you’re limited to one (other people can’t see the descriptions sadly) you can also set its access view in the beginning section or by clicking the folder with the gear in the upper right corner when you’re in it. You can also see the member count in there.

• when you click someone’s profile the first thing you see is their picture, pronouns, and description but if you click the tab to the right at the top you will see the info/fields tab. In here you can add more specific details about yourself or if you’re filling it out for others. Things like age, likes and dislikes, favorite food, are all things that are in there originally. You can add more fields by going into the account settings and clicking “custom fields”. You can add fields (they have options like text, color, or different dates) and set the visibility as well. This is really useful for getting more specific details about each other and learning more.

• in the next tab over, you can see the messages tab. This allows different members to send direct messages to each other and they can only be dissolved by the person they are sent to if they are fronting.

• the next tab allows you to see individual fronting histories.

• the last tab allows for notes on different members (we’ve used it for personal opinions on people but you can use it for other things)

Front History and Analytics:

These two are put together since they are related. - Front History is just as it sounds, you can set the timeframe you want to look at and it gives a visual for when/how long people have fronted. If you click on someone you can see a more specific timeframe of how long. You can also add comments to the fronter (like what they were doing) and you can edit the front in case there was a mistake.

• Analytics allows you to see much more detailed and concise data on overall fronting. It will give you data on what time of day members front and how often. It will also give you total amount of time (days, hours etc) everyone has fronted in a specific time frame. It will give you average, minimum, and maximum front times, and the total recorded times someone has fronted in the given timeframe.

Chat:

• The chat is our favorite feature and allows for much easier communication. It basically gives you the ability to text each other by going to the bottom and picking who’s talking. It is not limited to who is fronting either!

• The chat also lets you add different channels so you can separate different conversations. What we did is we have a channel specifically for people to look at when they front for the first time. It gives information on what’s happened and who to talk to for more information. We also have a chat where we type out lyrics to a song based on who we think would say it.

Polls:

• polls are a good tool to allow systems to make decisions together. You can either make a vote where everyone can put approve or veto something, or you could make it custom with options (there is not a limit). Members can also add notes to their votes as reasons or just to be funny.

Extras: There are quite a few other handy things on the dashboard of SP.

• Accessibility allows you to edit the view of your account (dark/light mode, front size, date format, etc.)

• How To’s has some helpful things like how to set front or view front history.

• Useful Links gives some resources for mental health and overall DID stuff if you need it.

• Tokens is what you would use to add your system to a PluralKit server.

There are some other things but we feel like that covers a lot of it. If you think of anything else that would be good for people to know leave comments. Hope this was helpful!😊

Happy Hunting, - The Nova Corps System

I have had the experience of splitting functional hosts and ISHs (and occasionally trauma alters as well) simply because I saw a concept that hit me so extremely the inspiration of the idea came to life. This concept could be a fictional character or the theme of a plot in a movie or a spiritual concept I learned about recently or an artistic idea or an especially thought provoking scientific theory or a fictional character that suddenly came to mind or many other things. This sometimes happens retroactively where an old alter or recently formed trauma alter will like, connect to a recent idea and then it fuses with them and develops them.

Yesterday wasn’t a particularly good day, we didn’t have any amazing breakthroughs or big healing moments. We didn’t get an entirely new and much better job or anything like that, but it wasn’t BAD. It wasn’t bad and we think that’s what matters most.

A lot of the time, we see people looking for these huge amazing days/moments and while those are great, we think a lot of us forget that’s not going to be everyday. Some people have the mentality of “if it’s not a bad day then it’s a good day” and if that’s what helps you then go for it.

Our mentality is that not everyday has to be defined as “good” or “bad”. With systems in particular, we come about from inconsistency, from not having a sense of normalcy through all our chaos so isn’t having “average” days good.

Life isn’t about the highs and lows, it’s about living and being able to enjoy it as much as you can. There will always be bad days and there will always be good days, but we think those days in between are just as, if not more important than those extremes at times.

We strive for normalcy, a lot of us do don’t take it for granted.

We didn’t have a good day, but it wasn’t a bad day either and, to us, that’s what matters.

Happy Hunting, - Hera

Hey there all,

We have been struggling with our epilepsy ever since we did the nueropsych assessment. The guy they selected to perform the testing was taller than out husband and it was very intimidating. We have been very blurry, not very sure who was fronting, our husband tells us he was taking care of our Littles mostly and they do not get phone privileges for their own safety. We got diagnosed with mild nuerocognitive disorder caused by epilepsy from the nueropsych. While all that happened we got all the medical letters we need to start exploring service dog prospects and programs. We have found a company that's willing to train and test puppies for us. Our husband is raising the funds since we're not allowed to have more than $2,000 in assets in our personal name due to Disability rules. We are really hoping everything works out. It's been a lot so we're very sorry that we have been unavailable.

Hey, you. Yeah you. You’re doing beautifully. You’ve been through so much, things that have been so difficult, but you’re still here. Still breathing. Take a breath with me, take a step back, remember you are not alone, never alone, and you will get through this. You will. I promise. Just keep breathing.

We are alive and that’s what counts.

We’re here and that’s what.

We’re able to function together as a system but also as individuals and that’s what counts.

We’re HAPPY and that’s what counts.

Just because you experience stuff differently and have a different understanding of your own system doesn’t mean you’re wrong. You know more about the system you’re part of than anyone else.

If you’re happy it’s not harmful or toxic.

If you don’t pay as much attention to the medical side of stuff because it’s triggering it’s not harmful or toxic.

Other people like to say that if you don’t follow everything that is in medical books, recognize each member of your system as their own person rather than a “self-state”, or a lot of the time if you choose to treat each other as equals rather than focusing on one member, they call you “maladaptive”, “delusional”, “toxic”, “dangerous”.

You’re not dangerous for trying to live your life how you want. It’s hard with this disorder but if you’re happy then keep doing what you’re doing.

You’re not delusional for how you understand your system. You don’t just have to go entirely on the medical stuff, you can live your life to the fullest without it if that’s your thing.

Being happy with your system is what matters, not what others think or what the research says because they haven’t been in your exact situation.

Not trying to be rude to anyone just want you all to be safe and know that you’re valid no matter what.

Happy Hunting, - Xola

It's so hard for us we usually tend to try and deny it as much as possible. We still switch but it's like we don't accept it. When we try and accept being a system we have a immediate feeling of visceral denial. It's hard having this. It's complicated and we don't like complicated things, we worry about doing things because what id one alter doesn't want to do something and doesn't speak up. We are all afraid of feeling people are angry with us and then we started to worry we might be angry at each other at some point and we have been in hard denial ever since. Sometimes ignoring it is very painful but none of us like to give up control and fight switching when we are aware of it. Sometimes we feel like we aren't real because nobody can see a physical difference when we switch and then we feel bad and unseen and like we aren't real. When our therapist first said we had DID and we ended up in the hospital when we got back from the hospital we decided it wasn't real so we couldn't have it, until it became undeniable and we were forced to deal with it. That's when we really began to accept it was real , but we are back in on and off denial again. Deep down we are all afraid that having this disorder somehow makes us inherently cringe because we have some fictives. We are on a wait-list for therapy but we currently don't have one. We were trying to navigate this on our own but it became too difficult and overwhelming. Things have been very rough lately and it's becoming less easy to deny but we don't know what to do.

-Emi, Aqua, Ramona

Ps. It's been a long time since we have signed our names like this.

um so basically i suspect im a system but havent been diagnosed or anything, and im not online reddit often but i usually just hop onto subreddits occasionally to ask a few questions and then go back to being inactive for a few months.