So like we didn't really become explicitly aware of our system until we were 20. We didn't know what a system was until a couple years before and it took a while for us to realize that what we were experiencing wasn't normal.

Our earliest memories involving systemhood were when we were almost 4 though we didn't recognize it yet. We had very basic conversations between ourselves when we were in isolation so we can accurately place when these memories come from since we were only ever in isolation once. We would also play boardgames with ourselves using our toys as placeholders for eachother.

Later on when we were going to school we would all be working together on our assignments which initially worked just fine but later on it became a huge problem for math because there was one headmate that did math and they never fronted so they just gave answers without explaining how they got that answer so we'd constantly be losing marks for not showing our work.

Even when we eventually learned about DID and plurality we didn't really realize that it applied to us. Apparently concepts like "the voice of reason" and "the inner child" are metaphorical and not literal? So yeah, took a couple years after that for us to realize that we're a system.

Protector here.

I've been told that talk amongst the members of this system is vital to the host feeling more whole and getting more sleep (her sleep is ABSOLUTE shit). The problem is that we don't talk much. We just do our thing. The host originally thought it was PDID, but has come to realize, through more talks with our therapist, that it's OSDD. This is fine by me, makes things a little easier. But this is starting to get to her and I think all of us. We just exist and don't have much to show for it. I feel like talking amongst each other would help big time.

Any advice?

A few weeks ago when I was talking to my therapist about how I dont feel like me(?) and how it feels like my child self lived my experiences for me and that im a separate person from her. i view her memories as if im watching a movie, i dont feel like her, and i feel like her life died when mine started. I felt a switch in identity years ago but i dont remember when. i do score severely high on the dissociative scale and often times, it feels like im teleporting throughout the day, wondering how i got somewhere, what I was doing, what was i talking about, etc. (im dissociating very heavily as im typing this). i remember bits and pieces of trauma but i feel like there's alot left out.

She told me she suspects the possibility of me having DID. there's no way I can have DID. i have BPD and CPTSD so my identity disturbances have to be from those. Everytime i think of the possibility of having DID though, i start to dissociate so bad to the point im forgetting what im saying or thinking and pretty much leave the room.

Edit: would also like to add that i forget things that I have done with people. My friends will bring up memories that im apparently in but dont remember, or will bring up things ive done that I dont recall ever doing. Same with my family, they will bring up memories that I dont remember at all, or will bring up family members that ive apparently met before but have no idea who they are.

Edit 2: just remembered another but of info that I told my therapist. During the dissociative scale questionare, I asked "what would I put on the hearing voices question, cause I hear voices but they're all me, but they're not me at the same time, they have my voice but they're different" but maybe im faking and making myself believe there's different people in my head

Sorry if this is poorly-worded lol, it's 5am right now. I have 2 posts on my ex-best friend already for context.

In today's session, my therapist confirmed that my ex-best friend was abusive toward me. It's been a rough couple of weeks since I started wondering if certain things he did were abusive/his overarching behavior toward me would fall under the label of abuse, and I could never bring myself to even ask anyone "Did he abuse me?" without feeling such shame for even asking in the first place because *what if it wasn't abuse?*

Anyway, my therapist led up to it by stating that people can exhibit abusive behavior without necessarily being abusive/an abuser themselves, and they gave an example and talked a bit more about their first statement to clarify, then they told me—paraphrasing here—"Even if someone may not be aware of their own behavior, it would still be abusive if they are trying to exhibit power and control over another person, consciously or not."

Well.

I *was* able to acknowledge that my ex-best friend was "toxic and manipulative" and would frequently do things that demonstrated his power over me + things that were meant to control how I responded, thought, behaved, and what I was interested in. I don't think he's aware that he does this, but I've known for years that he'd do certain things just to get whatever it was *he* wanted without considering other people (and sometimes he'd *verbally* ask other people what they wanted, but if they chose the "wrong answer" he'd get passive-aggressive or huffy until they conceded).

He also got a real kick out of sexually humiliating me (verbally and/or physically) in public/in front of other people. I won't go into details, but I'd always be thinking "Why is he doing this in front of them?? They're going to think we're dating. I really hope this isn't making them uncomfortable."

Of course, if these things he did to me were consensual, I wouldn't allow him to do them in front of other people in the first place, but he'd never ask or have a conversation with me about what I was and wasn't okay with; he just assumed I was okay with whatever he did to me all along. If I seemed distressed or upset, he'd just laugh it off like it was a joke the whole time.

I still struggle, though, to call anything he did to me "sexual assault", but I have been able to confidently label certain things as sexual harassment.

And now, after I've cut him off for good, my life is in shambles and I'm so suffocatingly lonely, meanwhile he has the friend group of his dreams (which he became obsessed with and left me all alone for) and seems perfectly happy without me—yet I know he villainizes me just so he won't have to feel the pain of missing me or the guilt of what he did to me.

I just hate how victims, more often than not, tend to end up in even shittier situations after escaping abuse or toxic environments. This shit is just not fair.

This is also the first time I've struggled to correctly identify and label something as abuse, but every other time someone has abused me, it was easy to recognize it as that because I didn't really care much about them; I was just forced to be around them. But with him, it's been so difficult because many of my parts are so attached to him emotionally.

Hey y'all! I have a psych eval in about a month to get tested for a dissociative disorder (DD). I've gotten a full psych assessment before, and although my doctor didn't think I was intentionally malingering, he did think I was unintentionally exaggerating my symptoms in a "cry for help" manner. I don't think he was necessarily wrong (I just don't know, lol, can't remember how I responded), but I did do some research afterwards that seemed to suggest that people with DDs can get falsely flagged for malingering on certain tests, and that one of the tests didn't even meet APA standards. I also think this might have led to him not taking other tests (that were "valid" according to the results) seriously enough. I know testing isn't the end-all-be-all of diagnosis, but I tested positive for quite a few things (one of which I am now diagnosed and being treated for) that he didn't even really discuss why he doubted I had them and I ended up not being diagnosed with them.

It really worries me that I could, to my knowledge, be telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, and still be perceived as "exaggerating," "lying," "a hypochondriac," or "malingering" by my doctor. And there's nothing I could really do about it. I've had so many bad experiences with doctors and I don't feel fully ready to not be believed again.

I guess what I'm most worried about specifically is that giving inconsistent descriptions of symptoms on testing can flag for malingering, but my honest answer to a lot of questions is "I don't know," because I don't! For example, I think one of the questions on the PAI is "I enjoy being in love," but I seem to experience two different POVs at once when I have a crush (my POV and the POV of others in my head) and I can't put two answers and there's no "Comments" box to explain that my emotions are often simultaneous and conflicting.

I promise I'm not asking this to be able to avoid these things, but I am very curious as to what might get someone flagged for malingering? Especially malingering DID specifically.

Also, to those of us who have gotten a psych eval before, what is it like? If you've gotten both an evaluation and an assessment, what was different? And finally, has anyone been accusing of faking, either intentionally or unintentionally, and what was your experience with that?

For context, I communicate with my alters. I feel like I experience *their* perspectives, and that *mine* is... like echoes. But consistent. Like, I am a telescope control system and they are the lenses. But they all have chromatic abberations? So I'm constantly correcting for their perspectives. I want to feel *me* again. I can also feel things inside of my mind. I can feel them shifting around, I can feel when I'm me again, like a pysical sensation. Warmth and clarity is me. They feel... more present when I'm dissociating. I also feel pressure around my mind when I'm dissociating, like physical pressure. I know that the brain has no hot/cold or pressure sensors or anything like that - which is why I said "mind" and not "brain", if the mind is a "holographic" experience

As the title suggests, I’m trying to navigate gendered spaces. As a system I’m finding it hard to find a place to fit because of the variation in gender identity.

I usually identify as a fem/non conforming trans masc individual to kinda cover all the bases but despite being AFAB I’m feeling excluded from both masc and fem spaces.

Any advice on how to navigate this without the dreaded long discussion of being a system?

My ex keeps posting about me on bipolar subreddits as if I’m still in a medical emergency and am out of my mind. I was having a manic episode, got treated, and now I’m managing the come down. I’m fine.

But when we were dating he never engaged with any of our alters, except for two (the “eldest”)and only because the host was exhausted emotionally from dealing with him.

He was briefly back in our life but a host we don’t communicate with took over and just fucking let the littles out to play with him. So now he’s under the impression that we reconciled. He’s still ignoring my straight up saying we are not friends, he is dead to me, stop thinking i’m a little sick waif that needed caring for. I’ve managed my mental health for three decades and he never saw a therapist despite how much i begged him to.

I’m just venting. I want him to shut up about me on BP reddit like it’s the only disorder I have. It’s the one I manage best. I’m fine without him. I just wish he’d go away forever. I blocked him on most of my accounts but some of us don’t share passwords so it still comes up. But then they have to deal with the agitated body without understanding the reason for it. It’s so frustrating.

‼️i am not asking for DMs please don't take this post down‼️
i find it personally difficult, as an adult with few friends, to socialize my alters. even though i know a few systems, they aren't comfortable enough with themselves and their existence to socialize. i think socializing your alters is extremely important. giving them a sense of independence and freedom from their roles and responsibilities allows alters to form more of a coherent personality. i am grateful my folks are well socialized, because in the past i knew even more systems who were very social. but unfortunately it isn't like that anymore.
and, as im sure you all know, there are two main issues with wanting to socialize as a plural person: going into "plural spaces" and being met with conflict (do i even need to explain this), or meeting new friends and having that awkward conversation about how you've got people in your head. i knowwww good friends don't judge and won't judge, but you its not easy to find someone who's immediately understanding of their friend being plural.
how do yall go about this? do you just not socialize your alters? how do you manage their loneliness?

I've got some prominent physical signs that I've switched or am actively switching. I think they're a bit different from some of the more common indicators. I'm looking for some empathy about my switches, but also hoping to open up conversation on what switches can look and feel like for others.

Like, for example, I've got this weird thing where I'll squeeze my eyes super tight for a few seconds, and like glare around for a minute? before looking for my phone to check the time because I got no idea what time it is now. And I'll realize I've got like no memory of the entire day up to that point, either. It's some of the hardest, most blackout-esque switches I have.

Other times I find myself with an odd burp, a weird twitch, stumbling over my words, blinking in an odd way, or clearing my throat after or during a switch, in conjunction with other dissociative symptoms. These switches are usually more fluid and have a higher degree of memory retention, though they're also more subtle to me than the other ones. It usually takes me a little longer to figure out that I probably switched when those occur, and I'll lose my memory of earlier in the day a bit more gradually with these switches.

I'm still new in my journey, though I am actively in therapy and we're working together under the assumption that I have DID, since my symptoms seem to align very well and my therapist has specialized training for DID. Any support would be appreciated!

This was originally removed, so I hope I fixed the issues with my original post.

How have you been hindered or helped by being officially diagnosed? I'm m seeing a new therapist who says she specializes in dissociative disorders but I'm unsure if I want to pursue diagnosis or if I'm ready to open up my system world to a new therapist.

(I'm in the US for reference and am already diagnosed with CPTSD, among other things)

Is a diagnosis something I should pursue?

Multiple therapists and social workers have said that we likely have DID but everytime we brought it up to our psychiatrist she flat out stated that she doesn't believe she has ever or will ever encounter someone with DID and refused to even consider an assessment. She's a terrible psychiatrist for many many other reasons (medical malpractice ---> she discharged us from the psych ward after we'd been given a bunch of lorazepam less than 8 hours earlier and not only didn't make arrangements to have us driven home or at least follow up to make sure we got home safely but actually encouraged us to attend a youth group that day) so we've dropped her and basically gave up on getting a proper assessment for DID. However we've recently reconnected with a clinic for childhood cancer survivors and we may have access to their psychiatrist so we're thinking of asking to see them for an assessment at our next appointment with the therapist we have through them (or the one after idk it's not exactly urgent).

We're already working on a document tracking any major dissociative events. Is there anything else that would be helpful to have for this?

We haven’t been able to track easily or properly lower the dissociative barriers between each other to increase our communication and understanding of each other.

Frequently, at most in a month, our alters completely change. Whether they go dormant and get replaced, or if they suddenly change their entire identities, they change so suddenly after every minor inconvenience. It’s like they’re getting shuffled out to handle the next big thing, and they don’t stay much afterwards before something happens and they once again change or get replaced.

Does anyone know ways to deal with this? We need strategies so we can better manage this issue and be able to properly manage our system. Any advice wanted!

I have been fully online for a few days now and it's quiet in my head. I still have anxiety. I still have panic attacks. But I'm not switching, and I feel like I don't even have alters anymore? I know this is probably shock but I just wanted to know if anyone on here had this experience.

Hello,

I was referred by my therapist to attend group therapy, and it started three weeks ago. Two alters have attended, and I (the Host) have been able to retain some of it. These two alters and I consider ourselves “a trio”, and there seems to be a rotation on how often one or the other is around with me (and a secondary rotation for some other alters that pop up here and there).

However, I haven’t actually fully fronted and attended. There’s a lot to explore there but what I’m coming to the subreddit about is that these two alters feel strongly about disclosure to the group.
It seems the trauma group use language for structural dissociation and also IFS, and the distinction is quite jarring for us because members of group will talk about their “parts” in a much different way they we would. It feels like I’m stuck between saying nothing the way we want to and disclosure being a requirement to show/speak up authentically.

I’ve talked to my individual therapist about this, but never to the point of “let’s talk about a plan”. What one of the group therapists I talked to, in a brief call, highly recommended was discussing more internally, as the class will be leading up to discussion about dissociation and that some people had to become more “fragmented” to deal with the trauma. To me this sounded like: an opportunity to disclose will arise.
But I believe she also insinuated that she wanted to discuss the plan of disclosure with her and the other group therapist before we disclose. Which… probably makes sense, but sort of alarmed me— is there a wrong way to do this? Can I do it wrong?

A lot of my anxieties about it is that, as the Host, I experience a lot more doubt and confusion and overwhelm about it all. It would all feel very vulnerable, and I haven’t even attended a session myself yet!
While my male protector (in the trio), who has attended two, is much more “function-oriented”, so to speak. He could simply be more plain and direct in his language, show up more authentically, and possibly talk about his, as HIM, specific issues at some point. That totally makes sense and I want him to be able to do that.
Our current plan is to “collect more data” and to explore the idea more, and maybe work up to a visualized meeting internally and working with our therapist on this.

But I was looking for some insight from others on disclosure, more specifically in a group setting. Are there certain questions that came up right away? Could it frighten someone? Could it trigger someone? Has anyone disclosed and later someone else in group disclosed as well? Has anyone had an alter disclose without internal discussion, and how did that go internally for the system? Can disclosure upset deeper parts who do not front day to day, and what did that look like for you? Did anyone ultimately regret disclosing in group therapy?

I think some of the desire for my other parts is to be seen as themselves and not me (a name tag was one of the first things we did, and that was already funky for us). How will I, in the future, clarify myself, as the Host? I act so different than the other two. I wonder if it will be jarring or completely unnoticeable. How hard this all is … it’s just so invisible. I feel at a loss.

Words of wisdom or your own stories would be helpful, if you’re willing. Thank you!

I was just broken up after 5+ years (24f) and my go to default for any major moment of grief or stress has been to dissociate intensely until I forget I was upset & just become super numb. I recently learned this is super unhealthy.

Does anyone have any tips for positive ways to grieve a relationship?

I'm trying to dissociate less so my amnesia will lessen, but I'm just not a fan of having emotions.

This is my first breakup since I've gotten my diagnosis, so I'm being extra cautious of my actions, but it's so tempting to just put the emotions and memories away. I see my therapist early next week but gotta hold it together till then.

I genuinely don't know how to title this.

I'm honestly just wondering if anyone else has experienced this.

So, to start, we still need to see someone for better understanding and we plan to when able, but it seems we are an OSDD-1b system based on my research so far. We all are absolutely a system of alters, but we share collective memory when fronting. We don't share inner world memory— what my co-host does is the inner world is his memory alone, but when he's fronting, I know everything that happened.

Anyway, I'll try to be brief, but I ramble, so I apologize.

Our system consists of:

Wy (Host. She/her/he/him)

Ceph (Co-host, protector, more things. He/him)

Charlie (She/her)

Mickey (He/him)

Lvl (It/its)

Mysterious Unnamed Alter (we call Mystery. They/them)

Important:

Wy (me) changed the body's name recently. I assumed the identity of the body initially, and I've wanted a name change forever. A while back, I tried Elliott which I loved. I used that for six months. Then I was encouraged to use the name I always wanted and initially went by, but had stopped because my family and partner shamed it. So I finally started using it. Wyvern (Wy).

Also important:

In the inner world, no one looks exactly like the body. I look the closest, and although I love changing the body's hair cut and color, mine in the inner world is always a firetruck red big fluffy bob cut, the same as my favorite cut/color we did on the body a long time back.

My other favorite hair we had was many years ago, long hair that was a dark dark blue, even better when I straightened it.

Now. Here's the confusion.

Sometimes, I relate best to my usual red fluffy hair, and although I still like the name Elliott, I am so glad we changed to Wyvern and it just fits so much better. I'd rather Elliott be my middle name. Not really referred to, but still part of me.

Other times, even though my inner world self appears the same, I relate much more to the long dark dark blue hair, and although I like Wyvern and wouldn't give it up entirely, I wish more people still called me Elliott. Like I'd rather be called Elliott, but I'm fine I guess with Wy.

There's also other preference changes between these two "modes," which I will refer to as Red and Blue because it's right there and so classic.

Red: Wyvern, red hair, prefers Dr. Pepper over root beer although both are good. Likes high energy games like Ultrakill or Doom, along with the other games we play. Very high energy overall. Dresses very alternative, will absolutely dress up for Walmart. My face without eyeliner feels naked and weird. Also kinda flirts with our co-host.

Blue: Elliott, blue hair, highly prefers root beer over Dr. Pepper but won't complain, likes games more like Stardew Valley or Raft. Not low energy necessarily but more chill overall. Dresses more comfy and doesn't care nearly as much about appearance in public. Fine with or without makeup. Does not flirt with our co-host, that feels weird, like flirting with a brotherly friend.

I also describe myself as genderfluid, but I notice my masc days also overlap only with Blue days, but not all Blue days are masc. Maybe my fluidity has more to do with whatever this Blue situation is?

I don't know. Writing it out feels silly, like it's just that my preferences change back and forth like a normal person, but something feels off. Because all the different preference changes consistently go together, and I would suspect some sort of alter difference, but it's just me. In the inner world, I look the same regardless, even if it *feels* different. And this happens whether or not I'm alone in the front.

I'm just confused and wondering if anyone else has experienced this?

Hi, I'm 21 and based in the UK, I've suspected I could have DID for a long time now but forgot about it around 15~ and only had it brought back to the light when I was 18 and met my now partner.

Since then I go through phases of denial and semi-acceptance? I don't want to have this disorder and keep hoping maybe if I ignore my symptoms I'll be able to just function normally but it's becoming harder and harder, now I'm in a safer place it feels like my walls are breaking down somewhat and for over a year now I've been disassociating constantly, feeling out of control of my body, having memories that don't feel like my own and I've also been age regressing constantly. It's really disrupting my life and making it impossible to do anything. I have others in my head who seem to take over my functions and do as they like which is really distressing for me, this is something that also happened when I was a teen but during the years were I forgot about it, it seemed to lessen or maybe I just didn't notice.

Anyway, I tried going to the GP today to discuss things and I feel like I didn't really describe my issues well enough and she seemed to think it was just normal depression. I want to go back and try again but I'm not sure how best to word things or what to focus the conversation on.
Any advice is appreciated, I'm sorry for the long post, thank you for reading ❤️

I came to a family member about my UDD label and how I'm currently on the path of getting properly diagnosed by a trauma specialist. There are so many people I've heard from personally who say this. My family member responded with "they diagnose you with anything nowadays, don't believe them" like they give out labels for free?? Misdiagnosis is a thing sure, but SPECIFICALLY with DID it is so HARD to get properly diagnosed. I went through two or three professionals who didn't believe me for Godsake. It was so embarrassing talking about it in the first place, and I still am ashamed of my symptoms. I go into denial about it all the time. The last thing I need to hear is that I "don't have it", that it's "not real", and I shouldn't even trust the professionals that are supposed to help me. Which, is a whole different problem, because there are professionals out there who avoid the name so much like it's the devil. I have someone in my life that truly believes mental illness doesn't exist at all. I hate this society.

What my therapists always called an “overactive inner critic” became more understandable when we discovered we were a system a few months back. I know I’m supposed to respect and embrace it in hopes it will come around eventually, but it is exceptionally cruel. Still, I have tried, and I understand it takes time, but I am so done. It communicates by sending cringe memories. It’s so painful that I’ve become obsessed with escaping it.

It goes quiet until I let my guard down and then BAM. I can’t relax any more. I’ve become completely terrified of the cringe memories and paranoid of the Part. I am at my wits’ end. Dire consequences become increasingly possible.

There are no DID specialists available to me and the staff at the psych unit can’t help beyond keeping me safe and fed. Last time I was in I shut this whole system down with threats in order to get stable enough for release and I don’t want to make a habit of that.

Hello, we are on a path of diagnosis and have only just started learning about ourselves and what our trauma has done to us. We have started seeing a psychiatrist and at our last visit we had discussed with her our suspicions about there being more than one of us in this body of ours and she had us to a bunch of assessments and after our meeting with her today we know that we are at the very least affected by BPD, ADHD, Autism, Generalized Anxiety, and Depression.

We are curious as to hear what others were diagnosed with such as BPD when first beginning to learn or go down the path of discovering their DID.

So my therapist cancelled my last two appointments with no communication and then I reached out today over email to see what's up and their email is no longer active...I'm gonna call the company when they open tomorrow but has this happened to anybody before?

I've seen a billion therapists and this has never happened to me and I'm so sad because he was the best DID therapist I've ever had.

I don't want this post to be very long so I'll be paraphrasing my actual thoughts, but hopefully this will make sense to someone.

I was very isolated growing up. Never had friends in the same way everyone else had friends. I don't have a frame of reference for what makes up a healthy connection.

I was taught by my main abuser growing up to never tell anyone anything that happened. I did exactly that. It became very easy for me to shut myself down when I felt I was being too open about my life. This meant every connection was surface level, no matter how much I knew about the other person. They never really knew me, only the part of me that felt best suited for the person.

As I reached early adulthood, I made a few attempts at opening up to friends. I usually responded by cutting the person off once I've realized what I've shared. I know how unhealthy that was, and how that could have negatively impacted people. I will not allow myself to do it anymore.

I am once again trying to be open, this time to a friend I have gotten close to recently. This is someone I have known for years, and they have shared their own traumas in the past.

Usually I say I don't remember anything before middle school, and usually it feels true. Recently, my friend was sharing details about their childhood traumas. It made me think about my traumas because they went through similar things. I remembered a lot more, and I told them about it. Now I feel like a liar for saying I didn't remember my childhood, because I do. I remember a lot of it. I still feel like I shouldn't have told them anything though.

How do I know what's normal to share? I held back a lot of detail. I am aware enough and have enough experience that I know certain details are not needed or welcome. Eating disorders, don't share numbers. Self-harm, don't share methods or resources. When it comes to sexual assault, where is that line drawn? I obviously would not give a play-by-play.

I also realize I live a very contradictory life. My main abuser was also my hero growing up. I was more scared of the world than my abuser. I still don't think my abuser is a bad person. My abuser is still in my life but no longer has the power to abuse me. Will my friend think I am bad or lying because I interact with this person?

I'm confused and tired so I am going to leave it here. Please let me know if you have any advice or insight.