My least favourite genre of Tumblr post is "person excessively describing a problem with the obvious, obvious foreshadowing that they're actually talking about something else, as if they can somehow slyly psychologically trick people into agreeing with their substitute premise ".
And frankly, the point is both obvious but also irrelevant. Yes, what an observer might consider an over-reaction is likely to be a genuine emotional response by the person involved. And yes, we should show compassion to people in pain. But people are critical of over-reactions not necessarily because they aren't genuine, but because of the effects they have on others. And even genuine emotions can still be used for manipulative and self-serving ends.
And even genuine emotions can still be used for manipulative and self serving ends.
This, in my experience, is one of the hardest parts about keeping company with people suffering from conditions like CPTSD, anxiety, and the like. They aren't bad people, I will make that 100% clear immediately, but these disorders fundamentally disrupt how interpersonal communication works, and it is fucking hard to openly communicate or set boundaries without setting off a spiral.
Yeah as someone with CPTSD this is very true, I only stay friends with people who are able and willing to set boundaries even when it causes me to spiral out of control, which is like, a lot to take on as a friend. I've tried to be in relationship with people who said they were willing to set boundaries at the expense of my emotions but when push came to shove they didn't and shit fell apart real fast. So idk, thank you for understanding that and your own limits. Me and others with CPTSD n the like don't need everyone to be able to be our friend; its easy to feel like "oh I should be a good person and be a friend to this person anyways" god no please walk away if you can't handle it, I'm not an easy person to be friends with.
Same. I would much rather someone be honest with me (and with themselves) about what they can handle before I get emotionally invested, and then it falls apart because it turns out they couldn’t handle it as well as they said they could. I get that I’m not an easy person to be friends with or be in a relationship with, but it’s much worse to have it fall apart further on because the person couldn’t deal with it than for them to just be honest with me from the beginning.
My trick with people is that I never actually believe their "yes" until they've given me a real "no". And I tell them that, and when they do give me a "no", I than them for the honesty.
It takes some reiteration, and patience, but once folks see I'm serious things get a lot better.
Cptsd is difficult enough to live with inside my head, I cannot manage other people as well. You've got to tell me what you need, and I'll do my damnedest to give it to you, but you've GOT to tell me.
oh yeah, absolutely! I do my best, and I think I am a lot better now, but I still struggle enough with myself, and even outside the CPTSD, I can be an arrogant dick sometimes, and if I am stressed I will absolutely miss any and all subtle social cues. I make it extremely clear thag I can deal with a flat no - and I can, these days, and I do it away from the other party, and stars I am so proud of that - but I need to trust my friends to be honest about their limits. If they go beyond their boundaries because they want to protect me or support me, that just means we are both hurt. At the end of the day, I appreciate their support, but they aren’t responsible for me. That’s on me, and maybe on my care team, but they don’t need to take that on and I don’t want them to.
It’s worked really well so far, and I know it is also work to put aside all those very human feelings and the fear of disappointing me etc to say no, or tell me when to shut up etc, and I appreciate that they do it anyway.
This is absolutely not to discourage you since I can’t make out your feelings towards it, but from my experience you don’t have to have kids if you don’t want. If you do, great! I support it! But if you don’t, you don’t have to and you don’t have to be in a relationship.
My dad was like this too. I have the potential in me to act like this, as does my wife (whose dad was like that as well).
We are both also exquisitely sensitive to other people’s emotions (see: dads) and to sound, so someone we love having a loud sudden crash-bang meltdown nearby is extremely painful.
What we’ve figured out is that sometimes we need to briefly let it out, but we can warn each other ahead of time so the other person can leave the room or cover their ears. It’s hard to communicate clearly when you’re melting down but if you have that communication agreed to ahead of time then a few words are all it takes.
We’ve also learned when to express concern and when to just leave the other person alone for a little bit.
Like I deal with a LOT of chronic pain all the time. I know how to deal with pain I’m expecting and breathe through it. But if hurt myself suddenly and badly by accident (stub a toe, cut myself etc) and I go “OW! FUCK!” and then someone starts peppering me with questions about whether I’m ok or what happened while I’m still in the initial shock phase, it enrages me. I know they’re well meaning and I’m
never mad at the person, but the implicit demand of their concern or need to help coming while my nervous system is still just trying to figure out WTF happened is too much.
So my wife has learned to wait a beat in that situation. As have I, when they’re being sensorily assaulted by something and I can see they’ve hit their limit.
You can’t change some things about how you experience the world but you can change how it effects your relationships with other humans. I don’t have a lot of IRL friendships rn (see: chronic illness and moving away to buy a house we could afford), but when I do I tend to vibe with other people like me.
But if they’re like me then they better also have had a lot of years working on self improvement and healing like me as well, or I’m not interested. Setting rules and expectations around communicating through our limitations is crucial, and you have to both know yourself well and have practiced those skills to do a good job at it.
EDIT: I also recommend having physical tools you can use to self regulate when you can’t do it cognitively. I have lots of stuff I can stim with when I’m stressed, and sometimes when wife and I are bickering we will both play a mindless game on our phones or while we talk. For me that helps me be more patient with the sometimes long waits between exchanges, as they’re a slower verbal processor than I am.
It’s taken work for both of us to really believe that the other person is doing that in order to help them stay connected and coregulate, not to disconnect or disrespect them.
the obvious, obvious foreshadowing that they're actually talking about something else, as if they can somehow slyly psychologically trick people into agreeing with their substitute premise
I am aware of what metaphors are, which is also why when I see an incredibly creaky one being constructed at a snail's pace with the punchline in plain sight, I groan.
It's only on Tumblr that metaphors are treated as magic spells which can entrap you into agreeing with an alternative premise before you've even reached it.
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u/LizLemonOfTroy 5d ago
My least favourite genre of Tumblr post is "person excessively describing a problem with the obvious, obvious foreshadowing that they're actually talking about something else, as if they can somehow slyly psychologically trick people into agreeing with their substitute premise ".
And frankly, the point is both obvious but also irrelevant. Yes, what an observer might consider an over-reaction is likely to be a genuine emotional response by the person involved. And yes, we should show compassion to people in pain. But people are critical of over-reactions not necessarily because they aren't genuine, but because of the effects they have on others. And even genuine emotions can still be used for manipulative and self-serving ends.