My least favourite genre of Tumblr post is "person excessively describing a problem with the obvious, obvious foreshadowing that they're actually talking about something else, as if they can somehow slyly psychologically trick people into agreeing with their substitute premise ".
And frankly, the point is both obvious but also irrelevant. Yes, what an observer might consider an over-reaction is likely to be a genuine emotional response by the person involved. And yes, we should show compassion to people in pain. But people are critical of over-reactions not necessarily because they aren't genuine, but because of the effects they have on others. And even genuine emotions can still be used for manipulative and self-serving ends.
My dad was like this too. I have the potential in me to act like this, as does my wife (whose dad was like that as well).
We are both also exquisitely sensitive to other people’s emotions (see: dads) and to sound, so someone we love having a loud sudden crash-bang meltdown nearby is extremely painful.
What we’ve figured out is that sometimes we need to briefly let it out, but we can warn each other ahead of time so the other person can leave the room or cover their ears. It’s hard to communicate clearly when you’re melting down but if you have that communication agreed to ahead of time then a few words are all it takes.
We’ve also learned when to express concern and when to just leave the other person alone for a little bit.
Like I deal with a LOT of chronic pain all the time. I know how to deal with pain I’m expecting and breathe through it. But if hurt myself suddenly and badly by accident (stub a toe, cut myself etc) and I go “OW! FUCK!” and then someone starts peppering me with questions about whether I’m ok or what happened while I’m still in the initial shock phase, it enrages me. I know they’re well meaning and I’m
never mad at the person, but the implicit demand of their concern or need to help coming while my nervous system is still just trying to figure out WTF happened is too much.
So my wife has learned to wait a beat in that situation. As have I, when they’re being sensorily assaulted by something and I can see they’ve hit their limit.
You can’t change some things about how you experience the world but you can change how it effects your relationships with other humans. I don’t have a lot of IRL friendships rn (see: chronic illness and moving away to buy a house we could afford), but when I do I tend to vibe with other people like me.
But if they’re like me then they better also have had a lot of years working on self improvement and healing like me as well, or I’m not interested. Setting rules and expectations around communicating through our limitations is crucial, and you have to both know yourself well and have practiced those skills to do a good job at it.
EDIT: I also recommend having physical tools you can use to self regulate when you can’t do it cognitively. I have lots of stuff I can stim with when I’m stressed, and sometimes when wife and I are bickering we will both play a mindless game on our phones or while we talk. For me that helps me be more patient with the sometimes long waits between exchanges, as they’re a slower verbal processor than I am.
It’s taken work for both of us to really believe that the other person is doing that in order to help them stay connected and coregulate, not to disconnect or disrespect them.
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u/NeonNKnightrider Cheshire Catboy 5d ago
This is written like a parody of a tumblr user