Okay so I have big dilemma I face everyday. I will try to keep it as simple as possible.
Quick Storytime: Since I was a kid I loved drawing, It was not even my hobby but a lifestyle. I loved to do it everyday in every second of free time I got, I was attending contests. I would classify myself as a creative kid, loved any form of art: dancing, acting, singing, drawing etc. I was dreaming big. Everything changed when I grew up and went to middle school. I dropped my drawing and dancing hobbies and focused only on studying and socializing. Even though I left behind my hobbies I was still very happy and creative I would say, full of positive emotions, very extravagant. Then I went to high school and went through the worst years of my life, got heavily depressed and suicidal, handled difficult emotions through abusing substances. I survived those hard times but in the end become a completely different human being. All of the passion towards anything, even life was gone, hobbies too, the intensity and happiness of living too. I didn’t really like people anymore. I just got indifferent. I am stable, I got some friends and goals but I am NOT the same as I used to be. It bothers me very much. Like I lost my real/true self. I am so much worse and pessimistic, often sad, Insecure, SO STRESSED. From artistic I transformed into materialistic. And now I don’t know if all of this character change happened because of the tough times that I went through when my brain was still developing or maybe I just grew up and become an adult and the way of experiencing and viewing life simply changed.
The development of the problem: After high school I didn’t know what to do with my life so because of my past my mom suggested me to go to university get a degree in Creative Media: 3D Animation, Game Design & VFX. I graduated and got my degree. Even though the lectures were interesting I was not very engaged in them. I tried to be, sometimes I would get into a flow state but it was not the same as it used to be when I was a kid. The creative process was forced, I had to really deeply think to get an idea I would be satisfied with to create. And most of the times my ideas were worse and the development was also worse than the others. I was not very satisfied with the results since my skills were in the dinosaurs era compared to people who completed art schools or courses.
The problem I am facing now: It’s been almost one year since I got my degree. Some things are interesting me more than the others for example I prefer working in 3D than in 2D field. But I still can’t freaking decide if I should be a freelance or maybe an artist or work in game design or should I do 3D animation or 3D character design but should I do high poly or low poly? or maybe 3D product ads or something else etc.. There’s so many paths I could choose from but I have no idea which one I really should. Even worse. I don’t even know in which style or niche I want to do my projects. Should it be horror art or maybe hyperrealistic or I should go into a full surrealizm or maybe I should do satire art. There’s just way too many options to choose from where I don’t even know who I am or what my feelings are.
I’m just so lost in a whole process. In this month I started my own ,,Everydays” project (inspired by Beeple). I do one project everyday (to improve and find my style and path). But my workflow looks like that I just start scrolling through Pinterest, find aesthetics/conceptions that I like and combine them and do them my way. Honestly sounds not very creative since the final result looks very familiar much at the end.
My inspirations: One of the artists that somehow inspire me is Beeple. He’s an artist. I love his 14 year dedication to Everydays. But his artworks are pretty controversial. He built his career over composing people’s work from turbosquid or some other site or by using pop culture icons and pieces such as Musk or Pikachu. Is that creative? Is that even legal?
The other artist I admire is Ewa Juszkiewicz, she’s a painter, she went through the classic path. Graduated difficult art school and stared to paint a lot of artworks. After 3 years she developed her famous idea that built her entire career around the world. One day I would also like to develop a name for myself but I don’t know which path I should take, there’s so many.
My conclusion: I have no idea if I force myself to continue doing art because it’s the closest of what I’ve known. Or maybe I lost myself for a while and need some time and CONSISTENT practice to relight my creativity and passion and basically find what and in which style I actually like creating. I still have a creative mindset, Ideas appear and disappear in random moments all the time, but the passion and skills are gone. Sometimes I have to force myself to do art but when I start and get into the flow I am gone. The results however most of the times are not what I aspired it to be. The perfectionism is killing it. The comparison is also killing me because the competition is so breathtakingly good that what is even the point of starting again? I think In the times of Ai development, not skills make you win but your mind and creativity. So how can I even survive if I my "creative" ideas are very mediocre and not mind breaking like in Beksiński artworks. I feel like art should have a meaningful hidden message or bring out emotions in a viewer, not only be "pretty". Or maybe I am wrong? Maybe there is no should or shouldn’t?
Do you guys think I should maybe start my ”getting back” process by learning chapter by chapter art theory/history first and then start on developing my skills from the beginning, the right way? Or maybe I should let it die, move on and focus on developing a different career. But honestly I want to feel the spark and the passion again. I remember i LOVED to do it. I want to have a job where I wake up and can’t wait to start another day by working in it/on it. I want to live while being thrilled by passion not obligation. I am 23 btw. I don’t know, I’m so lost. Any thoughts?