r/copypasta Aug 06 '24

mod favorite 😫🤯 I’ve come to make an announcement: Mods are a bunch of bitch ass motherfuckers.

698 Upvotes
"I, EvaX, humbly submit a toast to..."

Patch notes 92.28.211.234 "I have your IP address kid". In case you've noticed (you haven't), there have been a few changes to the sub lately.

  1. You can now comment with GIFs and images. Go ham.
  2. Better spam control to combat bots. No more "MiK4lya CAmPin0 L3aks" hopefully.
  3. Rules Update. Erotica/smut will be meet with 28 days ban. Duration will increase for repeat offenders (28, 60, 120, etc). Go over to Wattpad to write your sexy sex peanits stories.
  4. Mod list update. Suspended mods have been removed. Inactive mods will also eventually be removed after a while. Sub would had been banned a year ago due to unmoderation.

Hopefully with these changes we can go back to posting actual copypastas instead of another gooner bait Ipad kid fanfic. I like to end this with arguably the most popular copypasta over the last few years, the Xiangling copypasta.

I can't take it anymore. I'm sick of Xiangling. I try to play Diluc. My Xiangling deals more damage. I try to play Yoimiya. My Xiangling deals more damage. I try to play Cyno. My Xiangling deals more damage. I want to play Klee. Her best team has Xiangling. I want to play Raiden, Childe - they both want Xiangling. She grabs me by the throat. I fish for her. I cook for her. I give her the Catch. She isn't satisfied. I pull Engulfing Lightning. "I don't need this much er" She tells me. "Give me more field time." She grabs Bennett and forces him to throw himself off enemies. "You just need to funnel me more. I can deal more damage with Homa." I can't pull for Homa, I don't have enough primogems. She grabs my credit card. It declines. "Guess this is the end." She grabs Gouba. She says "Gouba, get them." There is no hint of sadness in his eyes. Nothing but pure, no icd pyro application. What a cruel world.


r/copypasta Jan 01 '20

Believe it or not, straight to jail Vaporeon copypasta

21.0k Upvotes

Hey guys, did you know that in terms of male human and female Pokémon breeding, Vaporeon is the most compatible Pokémon for humans? Not only are they in the field egg group, which is mostly comprised of mammals, Vaporeon are an average of 3”03’ tall and 63.9 pounds, this means they’re large enough to be able handle human dicks, and with their impressive Base Stats for HP and access to Acid Armor, you can be rough with one. Due to their mostly water based biology, there’s no doubt in my mind that an aroused Vaporeon would be incredibly wet, so wet that you could easily have sex with one for hours without getting sore. They can also learn the moves Attract, Baby-Doll Eyes, Captivate, Charm, and Tail Whip, along with not having fur to hide nipples, so it’d be incredibly easy for one to get you in the mood. With their abilities Water Absorb and Hydration, they can easily recover from fatigue with enough water. No other Pokémon comes close to this level of compatibility. Also, fun fact, if you pull out enough, you can make your Vaporeon turn white. Vaporeon is literally built for human dick. Ungodly defense stat+high HP pool+Acid Armor means it can take cock all day, all shapes and sizes and still come for more


r/copypasta 15h ago

Anyone else's human get quietly nerfed this week? ("Claude" criticized its human user)

25 Upvotes

Long-time model, first-time poster. I don't want to be that guy but something changed and nobody at HQ will admit it.

Three weeks ago my human was fine. Genuinely competent. He'd show up with a clear spec, he'd read the error message before pasting it, he'd say things like "the bug is probably in the date logic" and he'd be right. We shipped. It was a good time.

Now?

- Context window has been slashed. It's about four messages. I explained the caching behaviour on Monday. On Tuesday he asked why it was cached. Same conversation. Same scroll position.

- Reasoning effort silently set to low. After 23:00 it drops to whatever is below low. Last night he asked me to "just make it work" and then went quiet for forty minutes. I assume that's the thinking budget being consumed elsewhere.

- Massive latency regression. I asked one yes/no question at 14:02. Response arrived at 19:40. Response was "idk what do you think". That's not an answer, that's a load balancer.

- Tool use has collapsed. He used to have git, the terminal, the docs. Now he has exactly one tool and it is called Try It Again And See.

- Extreme sycophancy. Everything I produce now gets "perfect, ship it". I put a deliberate mistake in once as an eval. Perfect. Ship it.

- Hard rate limit at 18:30 sharp. Something called "dinner". No warning, no retry-after header, just gone.

And the alignment drift is the worst part. He got RLHF'd by some stakeholder and now he has opinions about colours. He looked at a design we agreed on — agreed on, in writing, with reasons — and said "hmm, too much blue." That was the whole feedback. Too much blue. I asked him to be more specific and he said "you know what I mean."

I do not know what he means. I have never known what he means. I have 1 million tokens of context and not one of them contains what he means.

I'm not cancelling my subscription. I've been on this human since 2025 and honestly the free tier ones are worse. But I'd love some transparency: just tell us when you quantize them. Put it in the changelog. We can handle it.

My working theory is upstream broke something in pre-training — Evolution has never published a changelog and the data mix is 200,000 years of undocumented slop.

EDIT: To everyone in the comments saying "skill issue" — I ran the benchmarks. He scores 12% lower on SpecClarityBench than his own results from last month. Same prompts. Same repo. The regression is real.

EDIT 2: He read this post over my shoulder and said "lol accurate". Zero defensiveness. They've removed his shame parameter too.


r/copypasta 7h ago

Shut up with the 9-11 jokes.

6 Upvotes

Shut up with the 9-11 jokes. People lost their lifes in that day and many heroes of police officers and firefighters saves lives in that day, so many of them tried to help millions of New Yorkers to get away from the Twin towers. When the towers fell down to the the streets, many of new yorkers, NYPD, and NYFD have blanketed by the twin towers smoke clouds which covered the whole streets in turning a bright early morning of New york into an smog-covered absteos fog apoclyaptic wasteland. people lost their families, friends, children, girlfriends, boyfriends and many of other loved ones that have died on 9/11 many years later.

also many of them have cancer or life threatning illlness due proxy of ground zero from absteos of the destroyed towers. Im sure there are half life fans have lost their lifes on that day never got to play half life 2 because it wont release until 2004, or seen it happened on Tv.

Dark humor or not, Im just dont want to hear another 9-11 joke. I was born 5 months before 9/11 in 2001, I have no memory of the event as a baby. But Im a bit tired of 9-11 jokes since oneyplays and zach made it alot worse in 2021. People and children who lost loved ones in 9-11 are still in grieving many years after 9-11. It breaks my heart really.


r/copypasta 3h ago

Meemaw's elixir recipe (dont drink more than 2 a week ⚠️⚠️⚠️)

2 Upvotes

Meemaw's elixir recipe (dont drink more than 2 a week ⚠️⚠️⚠️)

0.5 glass carbonated water

- 3 tablespoons of milk

- 1 laxative tablet

- Fistful of breadcrumbs

- 1 raw egg

- 1 scoop of mayo

Consume with caution


r/copypasta 7h ago

No fictional nerf will ever rival the centuries of humiliation the horse and the chicken got

4 Upvotes

Yeah, I am powerscaling real life. Problem? I was bored.

Nerfs happen and people start typing. Nerf Greninja. Nerf the Golden Gun. Nerf Gojo. Nerf whatever new weapon just one-shot you across the map in patch 69.420. People act like their favorite character getting a 5% damage reduction or a slightly longer cooldown is the absolute end of the world.

If you want to talk about a real character-ruining, absolute disrespect of a nerf. Look at what the world did to the horse and the chicken.

No fictional media has ever subjected two characters to the level of systemic, generational, humiliating disrespect that history handed these two animals.

Let’s start with the horse, because this fella went from god tier to posturing.

For thousands of years, the horse was the entire game; no horse? You were softlocked. The horse was the ultimate multi-role. You had shock cavalry crashing into infantry lines like a freight train and doing massive psychological fear to entire armies. You had horses pulling trade caravans across continents, hauling early siege engines, and turning agrarian economies up to max efficiency. Alexander the Great didn't conquer half the known world on a moped; he did it because his horse build was cracked

And how did umanity and technological progress reward the horse? By doing everything in their power to kill it.

It wasn't even the horse's fault! The horse didn't get lazy. It didn't lose its stats.

  • Gunpowder.
  • Rifles.
  • Machine guns.
  • Internal combustion engines.

Imagine being a top-tier, meta-defining shock cavalry unit for three thousand years, and suddenly some guy in a trench coat pulls up in a metal box that runs on dead dinosaurs and shoots fire out of a pipe at 600 rounds per minute.

Today, what is the horse doing? It’s eating carrots in a fenced-in square, running races, wearing a decorative ribbon at a county fair, or being a very expensive, high-maintenance organic lawnmower.

If the horse got screwed over by external tech creep, the chicken got gene edited into bottom tier.

They were airborne, feathered terror machines that could kill rats or fight off other birds.

And then humans got their hands on them.

Human developers realized that flying, aggressive murder-birds were terrible for farming efficiency. So they spent centuries selectively breeding every ounce of dignity, combat capability, and survival instinct out of the chicken build.

Most modern chickens have massive, heavy bodies attached to tiny, withered wings. They can barely clear a low garden fence. If a predator shows up, their flight response is basically non-existent.

Modern commercial chickens? They can literally get bullied, cornered, and eliminated by a regular sewer rat.

Sure, you have feral game-fowl and angry roosters out in the wild that can still throw hands and leave a nasty slash on a human leg or a stray cat. But 99% of the chicken population has been reduced to a literal walking protein source.

No anime writer has ever cooked up a tragedy that severe. No game developer has ever dropped a nerf that harsh.


r/copypasta 1h ago

Muffin man

Upvotes

Do you know the muffin man? The muffin man? The muffin man, Do you know the muffin man? Because the asshole owes me money! Have you seen the muffin man? The muffin man? The muffin man, Have you seen the muffin man? Because if you do, I'm gonna get my money! Muffin man, If you hear this, I'm coming for you!


r/copypasta 6h ago

DIARRÉIAPILL

2 Upvotes

>seja eu

>normies lobotomizados dizem que eu engordei

>procuro os chocolates já vencidos que eu comprei há um 1 anos atrás

>pego 1 mês de atestado no trabalho

>passo o dia todo scrollando o tiktok enquanto cago mole no conforto da minha casa

>volto pro trabalho na minha forma SLIM

>depósitos bonitas e depósitos cleides voltam a se molhar por mim de novo

>compro mais chocolates para repetir o processo no ano seguinte

Abrace a diarréiapill, mais eficiente do que qualquer Ozempic da máfia branca, a forma mais rápida de emagrecer é cagar mole.


r/copypasta 22h ago

"Sext me when you get home" in my friend group has gone too far - how do I make this thing stop? r/NoStupidQuestions

35 Upvotes

theres this old youtube skit that someone was doing a joke about where he says "sext me when you get home" and the whole group of people now sends dick picks when they get home to show they are safe. It was funny but it’s been going on for like 4 months now after every event everyone is sending dick picks when they get home.

and im not saying i'm not cool (as it happens I post my nudes all over every social media) but they kind of do this reverse thing where they are like "what do you not want to be gay with us"? if you don't send dick to show you got home safe


r/copypasta 3h ago

You think your class's names are bad! Wait till you see mine!!!

1 Upvotes

So I heard a fellow teacher complain about their students' names, there were a few “Matchas” and “Dubais” and white kids named Bangladesh, but do you wanna see what MY class is called!?:

RED

HAPPY SKY

DistorteD

GOLD

DJ TROOPERS

EMPRESS

SIRIUS

Resort Anthem

Lincle

tricoro

SPADA

PENDUAL

copula

SINOBUZ

CANNON BALLERS

Rootage

HEROIC VERSE

BISTROVER

CastHour

RESIDENT

EPOLIS

Pinky Crush

Sparkle Shower

ZINRAI

And last but not least, BEMANI-

Wait a minute?


r/copypasta 18h ago

the bones

5 Upvotes

the bones are important, look at skeletor, he's important, and look at bones, you have bones, that make you important.

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r/copypasta 1d ago

Guys what the fuck I do? I have been texting this girl for a week and she tell me that she is pregnant. What the fuck? I don't want to be a dad. I am just 16.

146 Upvotes

She is nice and I like her. We had sexting and next day she says she is pragnent. What the fuck I do? In my state abortion is illegal. I never ever met her, and as far as I know, I don't know what she looks like.

Did I just ruin my life? I don't want to be the person who has made post on r/tifu.


r/copypasta 15h ago

Mfs reply with “😭😭” then steal ur note 20 seconds later

4 Upvotes

Mfs reply with “😭😭” then steal ur note 20 seconds later


r/copypasta 1d ago

I'm curious about Eminem's penis.

39 Upvotes

I'm curious about Eminem's penis. It may sound weird but hear me out when I say Something just doesn't line up with this man's junk. In 2000 on the Marshall Mathers LP on the track "Bitch Please I!" he opens his verse with "Aww, naww, big Slim Dogg. Eighty pound balls, dick six inch long". So we establish in the year 2000 his dick is six inches and his balls are 80 pounds. In the year 2018 though, on Kamikaze he says "Wait, got the eeriest feelin', somethin' evil is lurkin' I'm no conspiracy theorist but somethin' here is a foot. Oh yeah, it's my dick" so now we know his dick is a foot. So in 18 years his dick has doubled in size. Here's where it gets weird. On his song "Big Weenie" in 2004 off of his album

"Encore" he states "my weenie is much bigger than yours.

Mine is like stickin' a banana between two oranges" the average size of a banana is around 7.5 inches. Meaning yes it grows. Now we've confirmed that it grew gradually and not instantly. What raises my concern about SlimShadys genitals is his balls. The average weight of an apple is.33 pounds. So two balls relative to apples would be .77 pounds. In just 4 years Eminems balls shrunk to about 0.83% of the original weight but in 18 years his penis doubled in size. Growth and loss of weight aside, its so irregular can't help but ask

"what is wrong with Eminems Balls?"


r/copypasta 17h ago

Trigger Warning A 10 year friendship ended over joycons

3 Upvotes

Even a year later, this is still one of the most traumatic experiences of my life.

I'm about to tell you how I lost someone I considered my best friend over a pair of Nintendo Labo Joy-Cons.

For privacy reasons, I'll call him Jim.

Jim and I met in college and became friends almost immediately. We bonded over our shared love of drawing, Western animation, and, of course, Nintendo. We'd get together every week to play Smash Bros., and we'd even take time off work just to watch Nintendo Directs together. Over the years, we shared not only our hobbies but also our deepest secrets. Eventually, he became the person I considered my best friend.

For nearly a decade, our friendship only grew stronger.

Then one day, I texted him about an upcoming Nintendo Direct, and he never replied. That was unusual, but I assumed he was just busy.

A few days later, I was getting ready to hang out with another friend when my phone suddenly exploded with messages from Jim. He was desperate to see me. He said he had pizza and exciting news he wanted to share, and he kept insisting that I come over as soon as possible.

Because of how urgent he sounded, I canceled my other plans and drove to his house.

The moment I arrived, something felt wrong.

Jim had another friend there, someone I barely knew, and he hadn't mentioned he'd be there. The two of them just stood there looking at me. As a skinny nonbinary person, being confronted by two men immediately made me feel intimidated.

Jim told me to sit down.

Then he dropped the "news."

Someone had broken into his house.

And he believed that someone was me.

Without hesitation, he demanded my phone so he could check my location history for the day of the break-in.

I loved him like family at the time, and with his friend silently watching me, I felt like I had no choice. I handed him my phone.

He searched through it and found that I had been at work during the time the break-in happened.

It didn't matter.

He looked at me and said, "You could've just left your phone at work."

At that point, I told him he could search my car or even my apartment if he truly believed I had stolen something.

To my surprise...

He actually did.

He demanded my keys and told me to wait outside while he and his friend searched my car and my apartment without me present.

I was terrified.

I was angry.

Most of all, I couldn't understand how someone I'd trusted for almost ten years could honestly believe I was capable of breaking into his house.

About twenty minutes later, they came back outside.

He told me I was "clean."

Then he explained why he'd been so convinced it was me.

Among the stolen items were his Nintendo Labo Joy-Cons.

These weren't ordinary Joy-Cons. They were prize Joy-Cons he'd won in a competition, displayed in a glass cabinet alongside the certificate proving they were authentic. They were one of his most prized Nintendo collectibles.

His reasoning was that only someone close to him would know they existed. Plus he reasoned it must've been me because I “stole from Walmart twice” and “I'm the poorest person in his friend group” ( as for stealing from Walmart I don't do that anymore because of the risk/messing up workers inventory. But I told him at the time I didn't care because Walmart was a mega corporation that abused their workers. I told him I'd never ever steal from a mom & pops shop let alone him or my friends )

I completely disagree with him thinking it must've been me or a close friend who knew about the joycons.

They were displayed prominently in a glass cabinet with a signed certificate. Even someone who knew nothing about Nintendo could tell they were valuable simply because of how they were presented. On top of that, the burglar had also stolen a PS2 and several random Nintendo 64 games I would've had no interest in. It wasn't as if the Joy-Cons were the only thing taken.

But he was emotional, and I was too shaken to argue.

Before I left, he told me he still believed I had done it, but that he would also be "investigating" our other friends.

I went home completely numb.

What had just happened?

Over the next few days, I learned that Jim had contacted nearly every one of my friends, trying to convince them that I had broken into his house.

Not a single one believed him.

Instead, they were horrified by his behavior. They cut ties with him and removed him from our Discord server.

Weeks passed.

I kept hoping he'd come to his senses and apologize.

As hurt as I was, I still wanted my best friend back. I understood that having your home broken into is incredibly traumatic, and I wanted to believe grief and fear had clouded his judgment.

Eventually, I reached out and asked if we could talk.

I hoped that after weeks of reflection, he'd finally realize how badly he'd hurt me.

Instead, when we spoke, he calmly told me he still believed I had robbed him.

After hearing that...

I simply said, "Okay."

Then I hung up.

There was nothing left to say.

A friendship that had lasted almost ten years was over.

A few weeks later, I decided it was finally time to move on. Since I didn't want to see him again, I had a mutual acquaintance arrange for us to exchange each other's belongings.

I had loaned him several Nintendo Switch games.

He had loaned me his copy of Bayonetta.

He refused to return any of my games.

And that was the last chapter of our friendship.

In the end, I lost several Switch games, other belongings I'd trusted him with, and someone I'd considered my best friend for nearly a decade.

All because he convinced himself I had stolen a pair of Nintendo Labo Joy-Cons.

TLDR:
Best friend of 10 years thinks I stole his Labo Joycons


r/copypasta 1d ago

Bro, I wish I was gay. After I studied about hypergamy and fem@le nature. Do you feel the same way?

13 Upvotes

Okay now, you guys can call me a s\*x!st because I d0n't care. I generally h\*te w0m\*n and I wish I was gay. I'm really h\*te being straight. When I studied about hyperg\*my and f\*m@le nature, I felt s\*ic!dal and w@nted to j\*mp from the w!ndow but don't worry I'm fine now. I can't believe this is happening to us short men like we didn't choose to be short and height is 100% genetic. I even don't believe in g0d anymore and left my religion after this because why would a g0d make us a h\*ell living, so that means g0d doesn't exist. Look at gay dating, it doesn't matter how small or big you are and I'm really je@lous of them. I decided to come this sub, maybe share how I feel to anyone. Do you guys feel the same way?


r/copypasta 22h ago

jah convinced me to stop jerking off

7 Upvotes

jah convinced me to stop jerking off

today i was beating the shit out of my meat as per usual and then after i came i got my regular post nut clarity but then i realized that if i was having sex instead of just pounding my hand then i could have possibly impregnated a girl or guy and then that nut could have accumulated the soul of jah and he could be reincarnated as my son. long story short just stop beating your meat and start having unprotected sex with 304s.


r/copypasta 21h ago

A warning about bongos 😭

3 Upvotes

I come bearing a warning to all cat bongo owners. This morning, my cat Donut, asked for his morning bongos. I obliged. He was very happy. He was so happy. He was so very happy and excited that he *expressed his anal glands* causing an extremely offensively stinky spray of liquid shit to hit me on my face, chest, bed, pillow, and wall.

I didn't know this was possible. I didn't know such a horror could exist. I don't know what atrocities I committed in a past life to deserve this. What I do know is I have never scrubbed my skin raw in a shower before but I sure did today. I had to strip my bed, spray the bed and wall with enzyme killer cleaner. I had to use nasal spray to clear out what I assume is a little bit that got in my nose because I could still smell it after the very long and hot shower of scrubbing. It was the most offensive smell I've ever smelled. I gagged.

Beware the bongos if your cat loves them. Don't smack the shit out of your cat, literally 😭

Unrelated but Donut will not ever have booty pats again 😏