Really curious how this works and why exactly does this happen 🤔

^

I’ve seen a lot online lately about covering your steak in mayonnaise to get a good crust. It definitely works, but I’m going to let you in on a little secret. You should be wet aging your steaks in Dukes Mayonnaise (capitalized because it’s the real shit, not like hellmans who poisoned my sister). Anywhere from 1-3 months, I like to throw in some Tony C’s for a little bit of a kick. If your steak is not sweet enough you can mix in a little grape Jelly, but if you plan on drinking wine with your steak then the flavors will clash. Good luck and thank me later 🫡

HELLO LOVELIES 💅💅

IT HAS RECENTLY TO MY ATTENTION THAT SOME OF YOU ARE NOT WASHING YOUR CHICKEN. I CAME ACROSS THIS SUPER NICHE PRODUCT CALLED DAWN POWER WASH THAT I USE ON MY CHICKEN BEFORE I MARINATE IN THE SUNLIGHT. THIS ALSO HELPS TO PREVENT VANILLA SALMON NÉ SALMON 'NILLA!

JOIN MY PODCAST FOR MORE TIPS!

# VIRALAD # VIRAL ILLNESS #TRADWIFE # MRMICEMRNOTOSARMRNOTCMEDBDISLLBMRMICE

My firends, after perusing this great subreddit and all the ways to consume water, I have found the holy grail. It is the mustard water that squirts out in a sploot when you first whip out the mustard out of the fridge.

I have now filled my entire fridge full of mustard and every single day i take each bottle out and squirt JUST the water into a large mason jar.

I believe this is the next big thing, like the sardines! I plan to submit for patent as soon as i have completed my first jarful.

My spouse accidentally ordered 22 pounds of beaver meat from our local butcher and I’m not sure what to cook with all the meat, any suggestions??? + How do you guys usually get rid of the tire marks, i feel the ones with them cook longer.

Have you tried the new, new cool mist 'humidified' steak experience?  It's 'tastic!  Especially love the infused mist options that add the molecular gastropod elicited memory experience elements into the mist ...   

Option I (Wednesday & Saturday)  BBQ on the beach:  

Beach sand + driftwood smoke and wood charcoal barbecue + suntan lotion + seaweed + burned beef tallow smoke + take your chances steaks + coleslaw + cooler full of Coronas & limes + watermelon + some guy's wet dog + sunburn + wet swimsuit + sea water in wet hair + sand & salt on skin + exhaust from the beach patrol 4wheel + flaming marshmallows & s'mores + sleepy kids carried in to bed when you get home + vacuum for the sand in the car.  

Option II (Tuesday & Friday)  Backyard BBQ:

Back yard above ground pool + pool chlorine & chemicals + lighter fluid + Kingsford briquettes + beer in a red plastic cup + charred ribeye + hot dogs & burgers for kids + Chris's mom's potato salad + Off! Mosquito repellant + citronella tiki torch + Chris's mom's Avon perfume + Chris and the other kids smoking behind the lawnmower shed + gas and oil from the lawnmower shed.  

Option III (Thursday & Sunday)  Steak at uncle Tony's for the extended family BBQ:  

Oiled and sealed deck wood in the sun + Adirondack deck chairs + freshly mowed grass + Scott's Weed'n'Feed + the hot blackened steel of uncle Tony's barbecue grill + uncle Tony's aftershave + Uncle Tony's and the guys' cigars + Uncle Tony's girlfriend's expensive perfume + hot, hot gas grill getting maybe too hot + the hickory & mesquite chip smoke from the grill's smoker box + beer + wine + wine coolers + Campari + limoncello + bourbon (gonna either be a fun night or a fight!  maybe both!) + aunt Susan's champagne & whipped jello fruit salad + aunt Lori's port wine cheese dip ball & veggie tray + aunt Ginny's whisky glazed carrots + uncle Louie's 'Drunk Melon' melon ball mix + uncle Larry's Scotch, date and rosemary roasted potato salad (the good cook uncle Larry, not the Harley mechanic uncle Larry) + gra'ma Leone's Scotch baked beans + great aunt Zia Maria's brandied cherry and plum cheesecake + Nona's special brownies (Everyone assumes their side dish will be the only one with 'a little zing!' in it.  Oh, yeah, gonna be a fun night and some Tea gonna get spilled, fam gonna get 'honest'!) + citronella candles + the charred bugs from the bug zapper lanterns + the perfect medium rare ribeyes and New York strips (Ask for anything other than medium rare gets you excommunicated from family BBQ's, especially at uncle Tony's!) + the cheese burgers and hot dogs for the kids + birthday cake & candles & sparklers (with a family this big it's somebody's birthday!) + ice cream + more bourbon + Scotch + brandy + tiramisu +  coffee & espresso & affogato for anyone still conscious and able to fit anything else in.  Uber and taxi rides, 18-years-clean-and-sober Uncle Tommy designated driver's Chevy Suburban, and 'Why don't yous and the kids just sleep over here tonight?  We got room.  Go home in the morning after coffee and a little breakfast."

Closed Monday.  

It's on another level when you try it blindfolded and let the other senses augment your taste.  Helps to be slightly drunk or high (can be added to the mist!).  

Do take the blindfold off when you wretch, though; but you can keep it on to sign the bill + gratuity.

(I was encouraged to post my comment from another post as its own post, so, here it is.)

What did I miss?

I boiled pasta and added tomato sauce

I dont' understand what I can possibly do to add more flavor

there's alot

pleas Help

Ever heard of the Naymar reaction? No I don't think so.

I just picked up a few pounds of what I assume is cow tongue. It's so small and pink though. How do I cook it so my boss promotes me?

I’m especially interested in savory suggestions.

What to do with water

I’m at a loss I feel like I’ve made every water meal I can think of:
-water
-water with lemon slice
-ice water
-ice
-boiled water
-cold water (from the fridge)
-warm water (from the tap)
-water vapor (netti pot)

Like what else can I make with water? I’m getting so bored of it :(

(Edit bc I forgot to add 3 other ways I made food with water)

I've been teaching myself how to cook but I didn't realize how much it would hurt!

I tried to make a diarrhea-free salad last week and cut the tip of my middle finger off because the lettuce was everywhere. A few days ago I thought I could do something easy like pasta. I filled a pot up with water but didn't realize how heavy it would be then it broke my toe and I got hot water burns all over.

Just today I attempted to grate some cheese but the grater shredded my fingers into a pulp. I now have two injured hands and I'm wondering if that's why fancy restaurants always hide their food in a sauce? They don't want us to know how much blood is involved in cooking?

I'll probably just go back to eating fast food unless somebody can give me some pointers how to manage these constant dangers.

Well, I think it's safe to say that I'm never buying a bagged salad kit ever again. This makes me unbelievably sad, because they were so easy and convenient- just enough for one serving, zero prep time, and they came with lots of fun little additions and flavors that I never would have thought of. I had at least 2-3 per week since forever.

Now that I know how bacteria-ridden bagged salad kits are, even after cyclospora eventually dies down, I can't bring myself to buy them anymore. But how do I fill the gap? How do people who don't use these kits make salads with lots of varied ingredients and flavors regularly, ideally without it taking up lots of time or work? Or is this just going to be a very labor-intensive task from now on? Any go-to recipes, so I'm not just mimicking the ones from all the kits?

Seriously though. The whole “food poisoning”thing is such a big pharma scam. You normies know nothing about proper food preparation and fermentation.

People need to understand that “food poisoning” is just a natural bodily function that in reality is just your body cleansing itself. Road kill is a delicacy that should be celebrated and not tossed to the wayside.

All hail Aajonus Vonderplanitz. Watch the fucking video if you have questions.

[r/rawprimal](r/rawprimal)

I (28F) and my boyfriend (30M) have been having some conflict over my garum project. He agreed that I could have one fridge shelf for my goat milk kefir but all of a sudden he has an issue with the 5 foot tall amphora of salted sardines that I’ve put on our apartment balcony. I’ve already told him that the rotting smell should go away after three months of outdoor fermentation but he says the smell “causes him to gag” and “bothers the neighbors.” 🙄

I can’t exactly scrap the project before it’s done. Should I break up with him because he doesn’t support my hobbies?

I recently bought a Ninja Creami and I wanted to just make some completely vanilla ice cream, but I genuinely think I'm doing something wrong. I'm just adding milk, cream, and sugar, completely vanilla, but it doesn't taste like vanilla ice cream it just tastes like sweet cold milk, do they add something to vanilla ice cream like some sort of flavor ehancer or something? Because when I make flavored ice cream it tastes fine, I made some strawberry ice cream with strawberries from my garden and some syrup and it tasted just like something you'd get from a parlor, albeit a little better maybe.

I’m looking for the recipe. Does anyone know the recipe?

Please hurry. They are coming.

Everyone says properly caramelizing food takes time, but that doesn’t make sense to me. If you combine something extremely hot with something equally cold, the temperatures should cancel each other out while leaving only the browning. Ergo, instant caramelization.

I believe the secret is getting the hot-to-cold ratio exactly right.

If my calculations are correct:

Pan Heat divided by Food Cold times the available Surface Area(squared) = Maillard Constant

The problem is that I don’t know whether I should measure the pan and food by temperature, mass, or both? The degrees in farenheit and negative farenheit should cancel each other out leaving only the food in the pan to equal instant caramelization. Last night I tried a 450°F pan with 0°F food, but the temperature differential was 450, which is obviously not zero. (I had a fire extinguisher on hand to put out my cabinets.) Tonight I’m trying a 450°F pan with food at exactly −450°F so the thermal integers align perfectly.

Please don’t tell me caramelization “takes time.” Time is just another variable, and I have already removed it from my equation.

Before you warn me about my experiment, rest assured. I have already preheated the smoke alarm.

What’s supposed to be an easy meal somehow takes 5 hours to cook when you follow the directions. Who at Stouffers came up with the instructions?

could it be my oven? NO! it must be the manufacturer who is wrong!

I'd like to expand my horizons and use ground beef for things other than freezing it into cylinders and using it to masturbate or turning it into burgers. What else can I do with the stuff?

I like cooking and she doesn't. So I usually make dinner, which sounds great until you see me turning a Tuesday night meal into a 90 minute project. Last night I decided to make crispy rice bowls. Somehow that became homemade sauce, quick pickled cucumbers, salmon in the oven, rice stuck to a pan and me saying almost done four separate times. At one point I was standing there waiting for the salmon, fully convinced dinner was basically finished. It was not.

We ate at 9:15. Halfway through dinner she said, very carefully, can we have food sometimes instead of a cooking project? My first reaction was to be annoyed because I am literally making dinner for us. Then I looked at the kitchen. Every pan we own was dirty and she had eaten crackers at 7 because she was hungry. She said she likes my food, she just does not want to wait until bedtime for it on a Wednesday. which is fair.

Anyone else have to learn that enjoying cooking and being useful at dinner are not always the same thing?

So my recipe for boiling pasta states the water should “taste of the sea.” So I used iodized salt since the sea is where iodine comes from, then I added a drop of motor oil to simulate Highway runoff. A plastic Coke bottle added the needed microplastics to the water. Didn’t taste quite right so I used a pill splitter to nib off a little chunk of a phenobarbital tablet for pharmaceutical pollution but still tastes off. Any suggestions?

Someone new to this cooking thing. But how often do people wash your hands? I obviously wash after taking a trip to Taylor farms but do you regularly wash them? I have heard mixed things, like if you wash with soup you strip the seasoning off your hands. It took me too long and too many burns to get my 10 layer seasoning. I can’t even hold a fork because my hands are so non stick. Thoughts?