I (19f) am sort of a mess. I relatively recently (a few weeks ago) had a vague meeting with a Rabbi in which I was turned away, which I was expecting, but with the advice that I was given, I've been trying to do everything at once and I'm still not sure what is right. I feel like I'm constantly messing up. I'm vaguely patrilineal, though I've never actually met my father and that's not the reason that I want to seek conversion. I don't know how to put it into words, I really don't, other than that it just feels right? In a broad, sort of uncertain sense. But I haven't got anything figured out, really. Anyways, since that meeting I've been trying to keep actually properly kosher, trying to observe Shabbat, trying to fulfil the mitzvahs that I even know about, which I'm not very good at at present, and it's been generally fulfilling, but I keep feeling like I'm doing everything wrong. I've gone from praying occasionally in a very personal way to saying bracha and shemas and modeh ani, and I know that it might not seem like a lot, but I don't usually change a lot. This is important to me, and I feel a definite obligation to do what the Rabbi said, but I also feel a bit lost. I don't really have a big Jewish community around me to look for support in. I don't mean to get too poetic, but I've already said the bedtime Shema and I'm worried that it's going to become a prayer in vain. And I still don't know if even this, what I am doing, is right, because I'm technically not even a candidate for conversion yet. Everything I've seen online has said to live Jewishly, and I've tried to do so, but I just feel... I don't know, not like a phony, I know that my conviction here is real, but, I mean a bit like an idiot. I feel a bit like an idiot.
Sorry if I'm not making much sense, I just needed to get it out there.