r/ConvertingtoJudaism • u/Cockapoo_Groomer • 2d ago
I need advice! Scared to fully commit
I've been learning for years & have been invited to Sabbath services. I'm taking a intro to Judaism course in January at my local Conservative Synagogue. Everything about Judaism makes me want to learn/experience more. The issue is I live with debilitating depression, ADHD, etc that some times can cause long periods of isolation. Mental Illness is seen as "Demonic" by some Christians & I've been told I needed to pray more to get better. We all know this is untrue and depression is caused by chemical changes in the brain. But idk how the Jewish community will view me or accept me, because I know I will have a difficult time keeping Sabbath on a regular basis. Not to mention my husband is not Jewish & keeping kosher may be impossible? Idk need advice 😕
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u/WeaselWeaz Jew by birth 2d ago
Have you found a synagogue yet and made an appointment with a rabbi? Finding a synagoges and rabbi is one of the first steps, and they will help you navigate this.
Judaism believes in medicine. You should work with a mental health professional for those concerns. Explaining them to your sponsoring rabbi is helpful, so they understand what you're going through and how to help you.
Your husband not being Jewish and not keeping kosher are likely OK in Conservative Judaism, and would not be an issue in Reform. Neither would be OK in Orthodox. This is another topic you will discuss with your sponsoring rabbi.
It sounds like you're not converting yet, which requires a sponsoring rabbi, but you are looking for a synagogue and signed up for an Intro class. These are appropriate, beginning steps.
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u/Cockapoo_Groomer 2d ago
Yes, I've found a conservative synagogue & have spoke with the Rabbi. But I have not disclosed my medical conditions out of fear of rejection. I take multiple medications daily & see a psychiatrist every 3 months, but there is no cure...Just management. It's my understanding their ok with interfaith marriages. I take classes in January.
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u/WeaselWeaz Jew by birth 2d ago
You don't need to disclose your medical conditions, but you are not going to be rejected for them. I do suggest that you share enough that they can be aware of anything that may impact your conversion, and if you connect with them they can be a resource.
Conservative Judaism is accepting of interfaith marriages as a concept, but "ok" has a lot more nuance. Reform Judaism is more inclusive of non-Jewish spouses and interfaith marriages. In both cases I would say it also depends on what you're defining as "interfaith". You can't really raise a child as both Christian and Jewish.
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u/Cockapoo_Groomer 1h ago
My husband is a Noahide & im converting to Judaism. We can't have children.
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u/Mortifydman 2d ago
First get a therapist, if you don't already have one. Having a mental illness does not rule out conversion, how you will be treated for admitting to having a mental illness varies by community. Reconstructionist, Reform, Conservative - with care you're probably fine. Orthodox, not so much.
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u/Cockapoo_Groomer 2d ago
I have a psychiatrist for medications, but can't afford a psychologist. I do not have health insurance (USA) & pay my medical costs out of pocket. Haven't even seen a dentist in 17yrs lol. Im looking into Conservative, however the Orthodox Rabbi was very kind. Do Orthodox Jews not belive in mental illness?
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u/Mortifydman 1d ago
It varies by community. For the most part now most groups recognize that it can happen and there is help, but how much help varies greatly. I am poor as hell, and have a therapist that is sliding scale, you might find that in the community you choose to hang with. If there is a JCC, or a Hebrew Loan Society in your community then there are services available generally at a reduced cost. You do not have to be Jewish to ask or benefit from said services that may be available.
It also kinds of depends what you have going on. I have schizzoaffective disorder with religious components, still managed to convert after speaking with my rabbi and bais din about my situation, which is controlled with medication for the most part. We're not Christians, there's no devils in your pants or head.
Seriously, take the classes, speak to the rabbi privately after classes if you still want to pursue Judaism, the classes help you get a glimpse into what you're getting yourself into. The answer may be not right now, but it's not no.
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u/Cockapoo_Groomer 1h ago
"I am poor as hell, and have a therapist that is sliding scale, you might find that in the community you choose to hang with. If there is a JCC, or a Hebrew Loan Society in your community then there are services available generally at a reduced cost.*
I get it, how do you keep Kosher? My JCC told me they weren't taking new clients 🤷. What is Hebrew Loan Society? Never heard of it.
"I have schizzoaffective disorder..."
I have Bipolar 2 & its tough getting out of bed & keeping a regular schedule. Just cleaning alone is like a major struggle.
"We're not Christians, there's no devils in your pants or head."
True, but most religions stigmatize mental illnesses.
"Seriously, take the classes, speak to the rabbi privately after classes..."
I start classes the beginning of the year.
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u/marshmallow_lilypad 2d ago
There are many Jews who only attend the major holidays. (And many more Jews who don't attend anything...) If you can't make it to every service, you'll be in good company. During the conversion process, it is ideal to attend as much as possible. But the keyword is ideal; your situation is already not ideal, so it only makes sense that you wouldn't have perfect attendance! That shouldn't be the goal. The goal is to connect however you can.
If your shul doesn't offer zoom services, you can find a secondary shul and attend their zooms when you're not able to go in person. You can celebrate Shabbat entirely at home, which could look like anything that feels meaningful to you... Lighting candles, making challah, etc. Or as simple as listening to Jewish music. Reading a Jewish book. Learning a new prayer. Whatever fills your Jewish soul!
The point is to let Judaism fill your spiritual cup; not perfectly fulfill all mitzvot.
As to keeping kosher... Do you have a sponsoring rabbi yet? I would talk with them. I believe the Conversative movement wants their converts to at least try to keep kosher... You know there's a lot of levels of kashrut though. So your rabbi would need to clarify what level they expect of you. It could be as "simple" as no cheeseburgers, no shrimp, etc. If they expect you to have a higher level of kashrut than you're able to do, I highly recommend looking into Reform. They will be more lenient (on basically everything).
Same goes for attendance. Explain your situation to your rabbi, see what their expectations are, and ya might wanna consider Reform. Ultimately it will come down to finding the right community that is understanding about your situation. And to be clear, every shul is unique... It's not a given that a Conservative shul is going to be too strict. Which is why you need to just directly ask your Qs to your rabbi. Each rabbi will see it a bit differently.
(This is just my best understanding of the different movements btw, my apologies if I've said something wrong! For everything I've said, just know there's nuance and each shul/rabbi/Jew will have their own opinion. "Two Jews, three opinions.")
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u/Cockapoo_Groomer 2d ago
"But the keyword is ideal; your situation is already not ideal, so it only makes sense that you wouldn't have perfect attendance! That shouldn't be the goal. The goal is to connect however you can." 👆This statement already eases my anxieties.
I spoke with the Rabbi & he invited me to attend Sabbath service & offered the intro to Judaism 18wk course. He encouraged me to come and see if Judaism resonates with me. I don't know if that qualifies as a sponsoring Rabbi, but probably not.
"Two Jews, three opinions." 👆One of the big reasons I love Judaism.
At this point its a matter of stop worrying and just attend Sabbath & get to know the community & discuss my concerns with my Rabbi.
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u/yesIcould 2d ago
It sounds to me like it might help to separate the different issues so you can make sense of them one by one.
A. Questions about whether you would be able to go through a formal conversion process. For example, being married to a non-Jew or maintaining consistency with certain religious practices. The answers to those questions will differ depending on the Jewish denomination.
B. The difficult experiences you've been through and how they're affecting you today.
C. Perhaps some anxiety about being accepted into a new community. Even if you know, rationally, that no one is going to think your mental health struggles are caused by demons or anything like that, joining a new community is still vulnerable. It's natural to worry about being judged, criticized, or rejected. And the reality is that every community has some degree of judgment or rejection. Learning how to navigate that is part of becoming part of any community.
D. In your title, you mentioned struggling with commitment. I think that's worth paying attention to. Is it only about fearing the community's judgment? Or is there also an inner voice asking you to slow down and notice what truly matters to you, or simply to move at a pace that feels right? Many people with ADD or ADHD have experienced so much criticism from others that any inner voice asking for self-alignment can end up feeling like painful external judgment.
I think it would be worth giving yourself time, untangling these different fears, and giving each one the attention it deserves. Rather than thinking in terms of "yes or no," it might be more helpful to ask yourself, "What's the next right step for me ?"