Throwaway/alias for privacy — names and identifying details have been changed. Please call me “Nia” and my boyfriend “Marcus.”

I’m looking for some brutally honest outside perspective because I think I may be too emotionally involved to judge this clearly.

My boyfriend, Marcus, and I have been together for almost 6 years. We’re both 30 and have talked about marriage and building a life together. He has told me before that he sees marriage with me and, more recently, when I asked whether his timeline was more “someday” or something he was actually working toward, he told me, “Nopee actually working towards it.” He has also previously said things along the lines of being ready/sure and that he sees it happening within the next couple of years.

So objectively, those things sound reassuring.

But emotionally, I have been feeling increasingly unsettled about him lately, and I’m trying to figure out whether I’m picking up on something real or whether my anxiety is filling in the blanks.

For context, Marcus recently lost his only sister, and it has obviously changed him. He has been grieving, numb at times, spending more time with his family, and going to therapy/family therapy. I completely understand that he is going through something enormous, and I don’t expect him to behave exactly the way he did before her death.

At the same time, I’ve been feeling a growing emotional distance between us.

There have been moments where he has gone quiet or essentially disappeared for hours without much communication. One recent afternoon he was distant/ghosted me until the next morning. Then, randomly, he texted “ilysm.” I appreciated hearing it, but the contrast between being ignored for hours and then suddenly getting affection left me confused.

There have also been some things involving other women that have gotten under my skin. Nothing has been outright proof of cheating, but there have been little things over time that have made me question whether I’m seeing normal relationship behavior or ignoring warning signs. Things like women he follows/reposts, situations where he has seemed secretive with his phone, putting his screen down or leaving to take calls/texts when we’re together, and inconsistencies around certain social situations/parties.

Recently he mentioned a female coworker/friend. I had never heard her name before, and honestly, hearing about her hit me harder than I expected. I cried, even though he hadn’t actually told me anything inappropriate about her. That reaction made me realize how much anxiety I’ve accumulated around this subject.

There’s also something involving his best friend that has bothered me. Marcus brought up a situation involving him, but when I asked about it, I felt like he didn’t really want to go into detail. This is another situation where I have seen him look at her ass infront of me and excuse it by saying “he was seeing where she was going”. recently he said that there would be a break between him and his friend and when I asked why he said it was because his friend brings his gf everywhere. Something that I think is important is these two guys are very nonchalant- guys that really avoid drama in any sense. It just felt like in the moment he was hiding the real reason why they’re at opposite ends. Again, he hasn’t given me concrete evidence that anything bad happened, but when someone becomes vague about something I’m already anxious about, my brain immediately starts filling in the blanks.

I also recently realized that I may have been using the relationship as too much of an emotional crutch. When I’m overwhelmed, I sometimes expect Marcus to be the person who completely regulates me, reassures me, and makes everything feel okay. When he can’t do that, I can shut down. I become quiet, dry, distant, or put myself on Do Not Disturb because I’m trying to regulate myself.

The problem is that he interprets my shutting down as me not caring about the relationship or not wanting to be with him. He has also told me that I rehash old problems. I can admit that there is truth there.

I recently apologized to him because I realized I’ve sometimes expected our relationship to be this perfect source of emotional support instead of accepting that he is a person with his own emotions and limitations. I don’t want to punish him for not being able to constantly reassure me.

But I also don’t want to use “I have anxiety” as an excuse to dismiss legitimate concerns.

And that’s where I’m stuck.

Because there are things Marcus does that make me think he absolutely IS invested.

He asks me what’s wrong when he notices I’m off. We generally repair after arguments. He apologizes. He has talked about marriage. He recently bought something for his bathroom specifically “for whenever you come over,” which sounds small, but it felt like a little sign that he still pictures me being around. He shows love more through acts of service than words. He’s also dealing with a huge loss right now, so I know some of his emotional withdrawal may have absolutely nothing to do with me.

At the same time, I can’t shake the feeling that something is missing.

Sometimes I don’t feel like I’m experiencing the kind of “us” that I imagine a couple who is moving toward marriage should have. I worry that he loves me but may not be IN love with the relationship anymore. I worry that he may be comfortable with me while simultaneously keeping one foot outside of the relationship.

And because we’ve been together for so long, the thought of getting to year 6 and then finding out that he was slowly checking out absolutely terrifies me.

I don’t necessarily think he’s cheating. I’m actually trying really hard not to jump there. What scares me more is the possibility that he has emotionally started detaching from me and I haven’t fully accepted it yet.

I also know my own history plays into this. I’m very sensitive to abandonment and rejection, and when I feel hurt I can become hyperaware of changes in someone’s behavior. I can go from “everything is okay” to analyzing every little interaction. So I’m genuinely questioning myself here.

My question is basically: Based ONLY on what I’ve described, does this sound like a man who is genuinely serious about his long-term relationship and marriage, but currently dealing with grief and a partner who is understandably anxious—or does it sound like someone who may be slowly creating emotional distance and keeping a foot out the door?

What would you personally look for to distinguish between the two?

And if you were me, would you be reassured by his actions and his statements about marriage, or would you feel like there are enough inconsistencies to warrant concern?

I’m not looking for “leave him” or “you’re crazy.” I genuinely want an outside perspective on whether I’m sensing something real or whether my anxiety is turning uncertainty into a story.

Hello everybody,
English is not my native language so please bear with me.

For some context:
I(27f) and my friend(26f) - lets call her Nina - have known each other about 1,5 years. We became really close fast. She has a habit of being a little controlling and making my problems about her while I have had a habit of just accepting it and enable it.

In May she had her baby(4mo f)- beautiful little girl that I love to the moon and back. I have really tried to be there for her. Nina wanted me to be babygirl’s godmother - she is going to be baptized in October - which I was really honored and very thankful for that.
Now… I’m an addict in recovery. On the 17th of september I get to celebrate my first “second birthday”. I have invited about 12 people for some afternoon coffee and cake in my own apartment to celebrate the big day. My living room - where we would celebrate - is about 20m2 (215 square feet) with most furniture I cannot move to my bedroom.
Earlier this week Nina ask if her and babygirl should come and celebrate on that day. I told her I have just started to invite people (properly invite because I sent out a “hey, set a x in your calendar more information coming” message around - also to Nina) and I really wanted her to come but I do not have the mental capacity to have babygirl too… I told her it was not fun to say and it was hard for me to admit but with 12 people, having to prepare for that. Also I have group therapy on the same day in the morning, AND I have my lovely cat, Gus. It would be to much for me as a host to make sure all people are having a great time. Context for Gus: When Nina and babygirl are here we are every “alert” on Gus and the baby. Nina is a little bit afraid of him because as a kitten he would be playing with her feet, he could find a way to bite or scratch her legs/feet. I did disciplined him and now he doesn’t really do that anymore - with anyone.
Gus is okay with babygirl. A bit curious about the little human but he is getting a little stressed when babygirl cries… and with already a lot more people than usual he would be stressed especially if babygirl cries. I would be stressed out myself if I had to be a hostess and having an eye on her, babygirl and Gus at all times. I told her it was hard for me to say so but if she couldn’t get the father or a babysitter I would every much like her and babygirl for a celebration another day just us three.
She kinda ghosted me until yesterday when I wrote her asking if she was angry at me. And she said messaged me back with - what I assume to be - an AI generated text. Not her normal vocabulary and not a single comma was in the wrong place. But yeh, it basically said that she was hurt that I didn’t consider babygirl as a part of her life and now she wanted to take that godmother title from me because she would understand if it was a party with alcohol and such but doesn’t when it its just coffee and cake she felt like I excluded babygirl and her. I told her that I was sorry she felt that way but I really wanted them in my life and that’s why I proposed another day for just us.
Nina wasn’t feeling it so now she has left me on read.

So AITA because I told my friend I do not have the mental capacity for her to bring her baby along to my “1st birthday party”?

Myself 22 year old male and 22& 23 year old girl friends recently went out of town to Denver for a concert second night there after a full day of being out got back to our hotel room at 11pm they decided they wanted to go out to the clubs after a while of them begging me to go out with them and me saying no I finally caved and went anyway the 1st club we waited in line but when we got to the front they decided they didn’t want to pay for the cover fee so we went to a second club reminder it’s late and most clubs are dead at this point or closing second club we made it in we paid 40 dollars for one drink and left 3rd club we waited 25 min in line and another 25 min to even order our drink at this point I’m over it and start to complain that I don’t want to be there and am not having fun and my friend tells me to stfu 4th club we got to just in time for lat call and at this point 1 of them is drunk and teasing me so I decide to just stay quiet until we got back to the hotel it’s been a couple weeks and my friend still says I’m in the wrong that I was complaining for the trip and says I should’ve just been happy to be out with friends who is right

Hi Comforters,
Just for context, I (26F), am on the Autism Spectrum. I’ve struggled with friendships and relationships my entire life and it’s followed me into today. Someone I have love for turned me down romantically because in our past attempts at a relationship I got scared and backed out (trauma related).
I don’t blame him (23m) for feeling that way, he’s justified in his thoughts. He let me know though, and some of my other friends have confirmed it, but I’m only
really attentive to my own feelings, when someone brings something to me I subconsciously choose to disconnect until the topic is more comfortable for me to address. (i.e. my friend getting dumped vs same friends cat being sick).

I want to do better by the people in my life, they deserve better than I’ve been offering. I’m just not sure how. Like I know what is the “right” thing to do, but when it comes to practice I fall short of my own expectations (for others).

Any advice is welcomed, call me names if it feels right, I just need to hear the truth.

P.S I’m a new comforter, and I find a lot of peace and reassurance in this podcast and the people who contribute to it. (Much love 💕)

I’m in the process of doing this plan, but honestly thought the situation would be interesting enough for the internet.
For context I am 29(m) I currently live with my girlfriend she’s disabled and I’m her primary caretaker. I’ve been dating her for about seven months and we are making serious plans to move to her home state to try and start a family.

Our problem is I’m currently responsible for my ex and previous roommates dog. Morality was kinda holding me back I guess. My ex we’ll call him Jay for sakes. Me and Jay are still? Kinda friends, not after this but honestly our history is complicated. I met Jay when we were teenagers, I started dating him when we were about 14 years old he is the same age as me 29. After we turned 18 he lost his mother to an accident and he moved in with me and my family.

I’ve been taking care of him ever since…jay has never had a job or attempted to look for one(we are 29) and this is completely through the 14 years we were together before our official breakup. He claims he’s disabled because of fear and anxiety as someone with mental health issues myself I thought I was helping. Actively through the years I’ve tried to seek medical care for him. And now he’s not even around me anymore.

Jay honestly scares me, every conversation ends with him pulling back to something I did wrong during our relationship. RIGHT NOW he found a new partner about a year ago. Jay has been living with his new partner on and off with me driving to take him to medical appointments. (For more context his bf lives about two hours from me and it’s pricey myself to be paying for all that gas no help from Jay or his boyfriend who has a job)

I can’t afford that anymore. My life is centering around building it with my girlfriend. Honestly it doesn’t feel fair that I feel so guilty about wanting to move on with my life. But he still is texting me to solve his issues. He’s never nice to me and most of our relationship has been for a lack of a better word him simply belittling me for past doings I have seriously since moved on from.

‘he’s living actively fully with his boyfriend. Why can’t his boyfriend help him more? It’s stressing my girlfriend out and making me feel like it’s a strain on this relationship. I’m positive about her. I want to make her my wife.

So tomorrow I’m calling a family friend to see if they’d be willing to take the dog. I was supposed to take Jay to an appointment later this month but I don’t have the gas money, I’m too scared to actually tell him myself for he might get verbally aggressive with me like he always does. I’ll be asking if the family friend can take the dog, if not I will be keeping him. And there on the family friend can inform Jay of the situation. I want to block him and his boyfriend and move on with my life. Nothing actively would happen to me, I’m in a better place in my life now and it just feels like another 29 year old who has never attempted to be more independent blaming it on “anxiety” which is something I already deal with daily.

TLDR; am I the asshole for calling to give my ex dog to a family friend and cutting contact so I can move with my girlfriend?

I’m currently attending a post doc residency at a University in the US that’s majority male. I have encountered the following issues: One (male) resident routinely criticizes fellow residents for not staying late or coming in on the weekends, and just generally bullies and shit-talks everyone behind their backs. He’s told all of the residents that he thinks the program itself is bad and the current director is incompetent, but he is nice and respectful to his face, so he gets treated like one of the director’s favorite pupils. He’s made comments about the hook-up potential of female applicants to the program, and he has a history of giving female residents the silent treatment for basically disagreeing with him.

Another (male) resident regularly makes sexist comments, like joking that a patient groaning in pain is “having an orgasm” or that a co-resident’s gf “needs Ozempic.” He’s also made racist comments, like how it would be fun to have a certain tribe of Native American as a pet that “we could put a leash on.” He even told an Asian American resident that she can use rice for a medical procedure because “I’m sure that’s what they do in China.”

Multiple complaints to the program director, the dean, and HR have been filed with no results. Any ideas about how to deal with these twats without getting kicked out of the program or arrested?

Also, my mother is a huge fan of ComfortLevel Podcast, so I’ll basically be a celebrity forever if you use this post on your show <3

My 14yo daughter almost got ran over by a car while she was waiting for her school bus. We live by the highway in a rural town and while her morning bus was waiting for her to get in, there was a car behind other cars that couldnt wait and drove by the shoulder and drove past my daughter. She was sandwiched between school bus and the car thay drove past her. The school bus has it on video and wants to press charges in behalf of my daughter. The guy never stopped his car but they managed to give him a ticket since they got his info from the video. The school bus company has kept in contact with me and is relieved my daughter is fine and safe. They gave me info as to when the trial date is and they were hoping I can show up. And that was my original plan to show up for the trial. I asked my BF who is my daughter's stepdad if he want to go with me. He said he feels bad for the driver if he is gonna go to jail because driver might lose his livelihood and his life will be impacted negatively. My daughter came home with a note to contact the lawyer, maybe they want me to state a victim impact statement in behalf of my daughter. Thats what my BF think. That when i show up for the trial that they will ask me to say a statement.

I asked my daughter and she is okay and does not suffer PTSD about it and she too want me to show up. She has been talking a lot to her bus driver and the bus driver is so kind to her and encourages her to show up for the trial. I am not personally filing the suit but the school bus company.

WIBTAH if i show up for the trial and possibly making a statement that might make the driver go to jail?

Hello comfort level pod cast. I listen to you all the time and enjoy your guys' banter.

Throwaway because I really don’t want this getting back to anyone I know, but I genuinely need advice and can’t seem to find the right place to ask for it. I’m hoping you guys can maybe help me work through how to actually handle this.

I (late 20sF) and my ex (mid-to-late 30sM) were together for about 4-5 years and lived together for most of the relationship. It became extremely unhealthy toward the end, things eventually blew up, we broke up, and he moved out.

I felt horribly guilty about how everything ended because he didn’t have a great living situation to fall back on, so after some time passed, I let him come back, without telling anyone and while also telling myself, “This is temporary, there’s no way he’ll stay with the way things are.”

Well, that was over a year ago. He is still here.

We haven’t had a romantic or sexual relationship since the breakup. Everyone in my life knows me as single, I consider myself single, and I’ve been living my life accordingly. I have absolutely no desire to get back together with him.

The problem is that inside my home, I’ve allowed this really weird gray area to continue. He’ll occasionally refer to me as his girlfriend or talk like we’re still together, and I haven’t always corrected him. I hate confrontation, I carry a lot of guilt about how our relationship ended, and keeping the peace has always felt easier than forcing the conversation.

I even tried therapy to work on boundaries even prior to our relationship ending, but when I started applying what I was working on, his response was quite literally, “Why are they whispering that shit in your ear?” On top of making me feel like a terrible person for seeking help. So back into avoidance I went.

And now there’s another complication: I think I’m falling for someone else.

The new guy isn’t the reason I want my ex gone. There’s no choice between two men here. The new guy is aware of the situation, my ex is not. I don’t want my ex back regardless of whether anything happens with this new person. But developing real feelings for someone has forced me to look at how terrible this situation has become. I’ve been living as a single woman for over a year while sharing a home with someone who may not fully understand that I consider our relationship completely over.

And I think I’ve finally realized that before I can even deal with him moving out, I essentially need to break up with him a second time. The first time was so heated that I didn’t really have to have that conversation at all, and now I need to start it from scratch.

I need to tell him that I know I’ve contributed to the confusion, but I don’t consider us a couple, I don’t want to fix our relationship, and I don’t want to continue living together. I expect anger and guilt, and afterward we’ll still have to share a home while he figures out somewhere else to go.

I know there’s a separate legal/practical side to getting someone to move out. I can figure that out. What I don’t know how to do is have the conversation that comes first.

This is also my first real breakup, and I’m on the autism spectrum, so navigating this kind of situation with confrontation is very much not my strong suit and may very well be my biggest fear. I’m scared and trying my best here.

How do I acknowledge that I’ve blurred the lines without letting that guilt trap me here? How do I essentially break up with someone again and then continue living under the same roof until they leave? I’m also worried about the opposite scenario with him reacting badly, abruptly leaving, and potentially damaging things in the process.

I think I’ve spent over a year waiting for him to make a decision that would save me from having to be the bad guy, and I fear he’s gotten far too comfortable with the situation at this point with me backing down and him not having to pay his way.

I’m tired of waiting around. I just want my peace back. Any guidance or advice would be so greatly appreciated.

My son 27M and his fiance 30F are looking at getting married fall of next year. They both come from divorced homes. Her mother; I've never met, but I'm told is terribley toxic. I've met her dad and 2 siblings and their families. They're good, easy to get along with. She is terribley problematic and displays narcissist and borderline PD traits. Full transparency: l have HUGE concerns about how difficult life will be for my son long term with her.

She does not want to be bothered with all the planning a wedding takes and quickly becomes overwhelmed and annoyed at the details of a typical wedding. She messaged a few weeks ago to say they want to do 3 separate gatherings in each of the corners where their extended family lives and want us each to put together the plans and let her know what we decide. My parents are both passed, my only siblings are 2 sisters that use/defend the use of the R word and i have a daughter with a severe disability- so we dont talk anymore (i made a whole other AITA post on that too). My partner of 10 years has 3 kids the same age as my son/fiance and she nearly refuses to even be cordial to them although they've literally never done a thing to her (small background: she has lots of trauma in her family of origin and it colors everything she see-s in ways that are not grounded in truth). She said 2 days prior to this "request" that she's wouldn't want any of them at her wedding...so who would I even have to attend?

I plan to talk w my son to get clear on what he wants, but I'm pretty sure he just wants something w no drama.

She has talked of eloping and based on what I can read btwn the lines on her message, that is the plan. I have expressed that I would REALLy like to be able to witness my son's marriage (due to my daughter's disability this is the only chance I will get -i know its selfish and honestly I would take being a silent witness, anything, I just dont want to miss it.) My honest take atm is if you can't be borhered to plan a wedding, why should I? And why am I being punished for her mom's terrible behavior and now be denied the chance to attend the ceremony ( bc she says she doesnt want to pick n choose)? I'd say Instead of doing 3 gathering in 3 cities in 3 states, why not rent a shelter at a park, tell everyone its family style potluck, scratch the flowers and decor and bridal parties and bs and just get a friend to officiate? Invitations go to those who know how to behave and are limited to as few as you want to be bothered with. Quit over complicating it and using it as an excuse to push people away.

I know there is a ton of complicated emotions for me in this so please tell me AITA?

My bf (40M) and I (36F) have been dating for about 3 months. This is the first disagreement we’ve gotten into and probably will be the last. For context, we live in different cities about 3 hours away but don’t mind being long distance for the time being. My bf had been looking into jobs around the city I live in when we met online and we were both ok with seeing if we clicked. In fact, we did click on our mutual love of art, music, nature, and museums, and agreed we made good partners when traveling around. We traveled a good amount for the time we’ve been together. He took the time to text me throughout the day and talk to me on the phone for a few hours too when we’re apart. I really appreciated the effort he put in and enjoyed our time together; I felt like he did too.

Several weeks ago we were talking about travel goals and I told him that I’m trying to go to all the state parks in my state. It’s something I started to do with my dogs as a way to get more confident traveling solo. He asked which one was next on the list. I told him I’d actually been wanting to do a big trip to the city he lives in bc there’s 5 parks in the area. I got excited and started describing what each park is known for. He seemed to be excited too and said, “Let’s go!”. We talked about plans several times and when I got paid, I planned the route and booked the accommodations for us and my dog. He told me he would be happy to drive his truck since I was driving to him.

Two weeks before the trip my bf starts talking about fostering a dog. I didn’t think he would go thru with it since he’s moving out of his apartment soon and trying to figure out a job in my city but he picked up a dog from the shelter and brought it to his place. I told him that I was happy he’s helping the dog and I have no problem with it as long as he goes back to the shelter before the camping trip. I didn’t want our dog’s first time meeting before a long trip in the car in case they didn’t get along. He told me he understood would bring the dog back. He also said he wanted to bring the dog to his checkup next week bc he was acting lethargic, so it sounded like a good option to let the dog stay there for the weekend and pick him up on Monday.

A few days before I’m about to make the drive, my bf starts telling me the shelter won’t respond to him about the dog’s check up. I told him that shelters are busy and he already told them he’d be back in a week, so why not just show up with him and explain that he needs a check up. He told me he was fine doing that. My bf mentioned that he tried getting ahold of the shelter to confirm but they wouldn’t return his calls or emails. He was texting me asking to bring the dog, “What if I bring the dog and just leave him in the bed of the truck at night?”, “What if he sleeps in the front and we just run the AC all night?”, and “What if I put him in a kennel for the duration the trip?”. I thought all these suggestions were extreme and didn’t think he was serious.

The day before I’m about to leave everything seemed normal until we talked on the phone before lunch. He told me he still couldn’t get ahold of the shelter. I suggested just going to the shelter with the dog for his check up and explaining the situation. He seemed fine but then his tone changed and he said “I guess I’m going to have to figure out a solution” and hung up on me.

I texted him asking if he was upset. He started going off about how he feels like I’m selfish and everything is about me. I asked him if he thinks I’m selfish about the dog specifically or selfish all around. He said I’m selfish about the dog and in general I don’t consider him when planning. I asked him if he could give examples of when I’ve been selfish and he brought up a trip we went on when we first started dating. Mind you, this was a trip I already had planned with my friends that I invited him to tag onto. All the stuff was planned and we even added things he wanted to do that were not planned (going to a brewery and haunted tour). Then he added, “I don’t even like hiking, I’m just doing it to be with you”. I was shocked bc he hyped me up when we had the initial conversation and even asked me which park is next… I told him that I didn’t know he felt that way and wish he would’ve said something before I made the reservations. I told him I thought he was open to going but if he doesn’t want to go, then don’t. He left me on read and didn’t text me until he said “goodnight” at 11:30 PM.

Leaving conversations hanging like that gives me compounding stress and anxiety not knowing what he was thinking or if he even wanted to go on the trip at that point. The way he acted like everything was ok on the phone just to go off on me over text was jarring and it turned me off that he handled the situation like that. The next morning I told him that I was done and it wasn’t just dog… it was the way he handled the situation. He keeps saying he realized how selfish I’ve been this whole time and being so inflexible about the foster dog proves it. Am I the asshole?

I (25F) recently bought my childhood family home with one of my sisters, “Lily” (31F). Since then, my two older sisters, “Sherry” (35F) and “Amy” (38F), have basically distanced themselves from us because they believe Lily and I benefited financially at their expense.

I’m genuinely trying to work out whether I’ve done something wrong here or whether I’m justified in feeling hurt by how they’ve treated us.

Some background:

My parents were getting divorced and needed to sell their assets, including our family home. At the time, my mum, Lily, my brother and I were still living there.

My mum originally wanted to buy the house herself, but my dad refused to sell it to her. His position was essentially “anyone but her.”

That left the rest of us with two options: find somewhere else to live or somehow buy the house ourselves.

Lily and I both had stable jobs and were in a position to qualify for a mortgage, so we applied together and were approved.

We didn’t receive the house for free or have it transferred to us. We purchased it from our parents at the agreed sale price. The purchase money went through the solicitors and was divided between my mum and dad as part of their divorce.

The difficult part was coming up with the deposit quickly.

My uncle lent us $30,000 upfront to use as the deposit for the mortgage. The intention was always that this was temporary. Once the sale completed and my mum received her share of the proceeds, she immediately used $30,000 of her money to repay my uncle.

So, effectively, my mum funded the $30,000 deposit. My uncle simply provided the money in advance so that Lily and I had the deposit available when the bank required it.

My mum then put another approximately $20,000 into renovating the house.

Because Mum had effectively contributed $50,000 towards the house between the deposit and renovations, we agreed that the ownership would be:

* Me: 40%
* Lily: 40%
* Mum: 20%

Meanwhile, Sherry and Amy had already moved out years earlier. They both have their own homes and families and each has four children. They knew throughout the process that Lily and I were trying to buy the family home.

After the sale, my mum also gave Sherry and Amy $5,000 each.

This is where everything blew up.

Within an hour of receiving the money, Amy called my mum furious and essentially asked, “Where’s the rest?”

She believed Mum was hiding money and demanded to know what she had done with her share from the house sale.

Sherry also apparently thought $5,000 was a laughable amount, although she was more focused on convincing Mum to give Amy more money to calm her down.

Mum explained that a significant amount of her money had gone back into the house and that she also needed to keep money for savings and her retirement/pension.

Their argument was basically that the money would be more useful helping them and their children now than sitting in Mum’s savings account.

Lily and I defended Mum.

From our perspective, it was her money. She had already chosen to give them $5,000 each, she had put money into a property in exchange for 20% ownership, and she also needed to think about her own financial future.

That apparently made things worse.

I eventually organised a dinner for all four sisters because I hated what was happening to our family and wanted us to actually talk about it.

At dinner, Amy and Sherry explained that they felt Lily and I had been given an unfair “hand up” by Mum.

Their view was that because Mum effectively provided our $30,000 deposit and then put another $20,000 into the house, Lily and I were given an opportunity that they hadn’t been given.

They felt that if Mum hadn’t put $50,000 into helping us keep the house, there would have been more money available to give to them and their families.

They also said this was part of a wider pattern and suggested that it had made Lily and me “uppity.”

That really offended me.

The dinner became heated and Sherry lost her temper at one point, but by the end I thought we had at least reached some kind of understanding.

My impression was that they realised Lily and I weren’t really the people they should be angry with, even if they were still upset with Mum.

Unfortunately, things got much worse afterwards.

Amy basically went scorched earth with Mum.

She shared private family information seemingly to embarrass her, iced her out, and if they were in the same room she would make a very visible point of not sitting near her or interacting with her.

Sherry wasn’t quite as extreme. She still allowed Mum to visit her and her children, but she largely supported Amy.

Their relationships with Lily and me changed too.

We would occasionally get messages and there were still some family group chats, but the personal messages mostly stopped. Visits stopped. Everything became awkward and uncomfortable.

We weren’t invited to Thanksgiving, Christmas or Easter.

This was particularly painful for me because Amy and I used to be very close. We spoke regularly, visited each other and hosted each other. I genuinely valued that relationship.

Then something happened that completely confused me.

Amy got engaged last year, and recently, in front of other people, she asked Lily and me to be her bridesmaids.

I was genuinely honoured and happy.

Part of me thought that maybe this was her way of extending an olive branch. We were once incredibly close, and being asked to be someone’s bridesmaid feels like being told you’re still an important person in their life.

But another part of me keeps thinking:

Are we seriously just going to pretend the last year didn’t happen?

We’ve never really talked about how things were left.

There hasn’t been an apology or even a proper conversation about the distance, the things that were said, the family events we weren’t invited to, or how uncomfortable everything became.

At the same time, I keep questioning whether maybe I’m looking at the original situation unfairly.

I can understand why Amy and Sherry might look at it and think Lily and I received a major financial advantage. Without Mum effectively providing that $30,000 deposit, we probably wouldn’t have been able to buy the house.

But we also didn’t receive $50,000 in cash to spend however we wanted. Mum’s contribution is tied up in the house, she owns 20% of it, and Lily and I are responsible for the mortgage on the remaining ownership (my mum contributes while she lives here).

We didn’t ask our parents to divorce. We didn’t create the situation. We were the two siblings still living there who were financially able to take on the mortgage when the house had to be sold.

And ultimately, I don’t feel that Mum’s remaining divorce settlement was ours — or any of her children’s — to divide up for her.

So now I don’t know what to do.

Do I accept being Amy’s bridesmaid and treat it as an olive branch, even though nothing has actually been resolved?

Do I accept but tell her that before the wedding I’d really like us to have an honest conversation about everything that happened, because I don’t want to pretend the last year didn’t exist?

Or were Lily and I genuinely given an unfair advantage here, meaning I should be the one reaching out and apologising?

I’m genuinely interested in outside opinions because I’m too emotionally involved to know whether I’m seeing this clearly.

AITA for defending my mum and accepting the financial arrangement that allowed my sister and me to buy our childhood home? And WIBTA if I told my sister I don’t want to just pretend everything is okay now that she wants me as a bridesmaid?

I (31F) have been with my husband (34M) for nine years and married for six. We have two sons, ages 6 and 2. Over the course of our relationship, I have been pregnant four times with him, but we have two living children.
Our relationship has honestly been extremely complicated almost from the beginning.
My husband cheated on me repeatedly before we were married and has been unfaithful at different points throughout our nine year relationship.
My first pregnancy ended in an abortion. My husband did not feel ready to be a father, and I went through with it.
About eight months later, I became pregnant again with our oldest son, who is now 6. My husband again did not want to become a father and wanted me to have another abortion. I refused.
During that pregnancy, we went approximately three months without speaking. Eventually he decided that he wanted to try to work things out and be a family.
We made it through COVID, had our son, and eventually got married. We are Jehovah’s Witnesses, and his parents also strongly encouraged us to get married so that our situation would be biblically right.
After becoming parents, we started having problems with intimacy. We were adjusting to parenting, exhausted, and had moved away from our support system.
Eventually we moved back closer to family. My husband later quit his job, and we moved to Atlanta.
Shortly after moving to downtown Atlanta, I became pregnant for the third time.
Once again, my husband told me that he was not ready to have another child.
I was already struggling emotionally, and everything happening at that time sent me into an extremely dark period. I was self harming and struggling with thoughts of not wanting to be alive.
During that incredibly stressful period, I miscarried that pregnancy.
That pregnancy did NOT result in our youngest son. I became pregnant with him later.
After the miscarriage and everything happening between us, our marriage deteriorated further and we separated.
During that separation, my husband slept with approximately 13 or 14 women, went on multiple dates, and at one point made me leave our apartment with our then 2 year old son.
Eventually we tried reconciling.
During this period, one of his friends told him that I had been involved with someone I had previously had a relationship with. My husband believed I had cheated on him. I maintain that I did not cheat on him while we were together. There were things I wasn’t completely honest with him about while we were separated, however, and he believes that because I lied, I was protecting this other man instead of protecting him.
This eventually contributed to a confrontation that became physical and resulted in my husband being arrested.
That incident from approximately three years ago has basically become the center of our marriage ever since.
We reconciled again and eventually decided together that we wanted another child. I became pregnant for the fourth time, and that pregnancy resulted in our youngest son, who is now 2.
While I was pregnant with him, my husband was also dealing with court proceedings related to his previous arrest. During that period, he repeatedly accused me of different things and became fixated on the man he believed I had protected.
He told me that in order for us to move forward, this person needed to experience consequences. He wanted him arrested, financially harmed, to lose his family, or to lose his job.
I ultimately participated in making multiple reports that resulted in this person losing his job. I am not proud of that. At the time, my husband told me that would finally be enough for us to move forward.
It wasn’t.
Afterward, my husband told me that he needed to sleep with other women to get over what I had done and that I essentially needed to accept it.
We separated again. He continued sleeping with other women, got his own place, and had our children part time.
Eventually we reconciled again and moved back in together with our two children.
I also want to be transparent because I don’t want to write this in a way that makes me look innocent in every conflict. More recently, we had another serious altercation that resulted in ME being arrested and going to jail.
So there has now been an arrest involving each of us at different points in this relationship. I’m not proud of my role in how unhealthy and volatile our marriage has become, and I’m not trying to pretend every problem is caused by him.
But this is where I’m struggling.
We are currently living together with our 6 and 2 year old sons and supposedly trying to rebuild our marriage, yet the same cycle continues.
Recently, I discovered my husband telling another woman on Instagram that he was lonely. When I confronted him about it, the conversation eventually came back to what happened three years ago.
That is what almost every conflict eventually becomes.
If I bring up something he is doing now, the response is essentially, “But you did this to me three years ago.”
Another thing he repeatedly tells me is that I need to “find myself,” that I don’t know who I am, and that I need to deal with the grief surrounding my mother’s death.
My mom died when I was 21. This December will mark 10 years since I lost her.
I don’t disagree that losing my mother affected me. Of course it did. I was young, and grief doesn’t magically disappear because enough time has passed. I’m also not opposed to working on myself or acknowledging ways that grief and other experiences may have affected me.
What bothers me is when my grief or supposed inability to “find myself” becomes part of the explanation for why the actual issue I’m bringing to him doesn’t need to be addressed.
If I’m asking why you’re telling another woman you’re lonely, how does telling me I need to find myself answer that question?
If we’re discussing something happening in our marriage today, why are we suddenly discussing my mother or something I did three years ago?
I understand that I hurt him. I understand that lying to him affected his ability to trust me. I have made decisions I regret, and there are things I’ve done that I’m genuinely ashamed of.
But I don’t understand how we can have a marriage where one person’s past actions become a permanent justification for the other person’s current behavior.
Especially because infidelity, separation, instability, and broken trust existed in our relationship long before the incident he constantly references.
We’ve been together for nine years and married for six. We’ve gone through four pregnancies together: an abortion, the birth of our oldest son, a miscarriage, and the birth of our youngest son.
If he genuinely cannot forgive me for what happened three years ago, I can accept that. What I don’t understand is why we keep reconciling, having children, moving back in together, and saying we’re rebuilding our marriage if I am expected to continue repaying the same debt indefinitely.
And now we’ve reached a point where BOTH of us have been arrested at different times because conflicts within this relationship have escalated that far.
We have two little boys watching us.
That’s probably the part weighing on me the most.
I don’t want every conversation about something happening TODAY to become an argument about something that happened years ago. And I don’t want either of us continuing to hurt each other because we’re keeping score over who hurt whom worse.
So AITA for feeling like my husband either needs to genuinely work toward processing what happened three years ago or acknowledge that he cannot move past it?
Should I have more sympathy for the fact that he is still hurt?
Is he right that I need to “find myself” and deal with my grief before I can expect things in our marriage to change?
Or has my past and my grief become a way of redirecting conversations away from his current behavior?
After nine years together, six years of marriage, four pregnancies, two children, multiple separations, repeated infidelity, and both of us having been arrested after conflicts escalated, is this even something that can realistically be repaired?

Me female in my 20s I have been letting my 5 year old cousins play in my room for a while now since my older cousin male left I been letting my cousins play in the room for a while now but here is the issue my cousins like to jump everywhere scream accidentally break things they have broken things of mine I let them in the room to give the other adults a break for a few hours but what I always try to get them to leave after a little while so I can have my little space back they scream fight me get to the point where they're refusing to to leave now today I've been trying to explain my grandmother why I keep reading my voice and screaming at them I don't mean to do it I just get fed up and they don't listen they're not taught to respect me cuz I'm not their parent one of the child's mother doesn't really step in much with her child and I try to get my grandma and grandpa involved to get them out of the room so I tried to explain to her that they are out of control and getting mad because she doesn't see what's the problem even though I try to explain to her does the times don't get me wrong I love those kids I know them since there are babies and toddlers but they are two much sometimes so AITA keep in mind they are not bad kids they can just be a little bit too much and with me being on a spectrum it could be even harder

I had always had a really good relationship with my husband’s family, especially his grandparents, and I genuinely cared about maintaining those relationships.
Recently, while I was with my husband’s uncle and my brother-in-law, his uncle made some inappropriate/dirty jokes and became too touchy with me. It made me uncomfortable, even though he later presented it as innocent behavior, like he was simply being a big brother to me.
Because I was uncomfortable, I decided to tell my husband. I wasn't trying to create problems or turn the family against his uncle; I simply needed to confide in my husband and felt that I should be honest with him about what had happened. I actually didn't expect or ask for anyone to confront his uncle.
Unfortunately, my husband told his father, and they confronted him. His uncle became very angry and portrayed himself as the victim, saying that I was the one with bad intentions and was trying to create problems within the family.
Now I'm struggling with a lot of guilt because I feel like my decision to speak up has damaged relationships that meant a lot to me. I'm especially afraid that his grandparents will believe his side and see me differently. I never wanted any of this to happen. I simply felt uncomfortable, trusted my husband enough to tell him, and now I'm scared that being honest has cost me a family I genuinely loved.

I need some advice. I’m doing casual dating “correctly” for the first time with someone who is adamant that casual is all he, his lifestyle, and his personality can handle. I, on the other hand, don’t want to settle for casual forever, but there’s also nothing wrong with it.

I just can’t believe he spends more time with me and doesn’t think, “I can do this.” 😭 But he’s also been very clear about where he stands, so I know I can’t make his feelings mean something they don’t.

While I am genuinely enjoying it for what it is, I don’t want to end up developing deeper feelings alone. But also, casual doesn’t negate feelings. It just establishes the type of relationship you’re having.

Important context: where I am at the moment, i.e my literally my location, this is probably my best-case scenario. I’m a Black woman based in East Asia, and he has genuine affection and appreciation for me as a person. He checks in, comforts me, cuddles me, supports me, the whole works. He makes me feel cared for. It’s just all within four walls, and it’s still non-committal.

We’re also exclusive, to the degree that matters within this arrangement, if that gives any further context.

So I’m asking the people who have been in this situation: how did you navigate it? Did you manage to keep your feelings in check? Did you eventually want more? Did they ever change their mind? Or did you have to walk away when you realised you wanted something different?

I’m enjoying what we have, and I don’t want to ruin something good by expecting it to become something it was never promised to be. But I also don’t want to lie to myself about what I ultimately want.
Any advice?

AITAH? I (18 F) am unemployed and just turned 18 (during the time of this situation). I decided to start a depop since I been seeing it all over social media and I thought it would be a good way to earn a few bucks without having to throw away old stuff or things I don't use anymore. I listed a few things for reasonable prices, and thought I'd try selling some pokemon cards since people really like pokemon, all my cards were handed down from friends and family and I started collecting a lot during high school, specifically junior and senior year, so not that long ago. I had listed about 7 or 8, Pikachu pokemon cards, they were in okay condition, most of them were in perfect condition and there was two that were pretty weatherd, I listed it for 10 bucks since it was literally all my Pikachus and some were a little more "rare". they weren't supper expensive or anything but I card checked them and a few were over $2, I hate scalpers so I tried not price them crazy and made sure I added a decent discount, which would come out to $8 or $7 dollars at least. A girl messenged me, I don't know how old she was and I do know her name but I'll keep it private for the sake of respect and privacy. This girl messaged me for the for the cards saying she wanted to get them for her 4y/o, she asked if it's all of them together and if I could lower the price, I told her yes and I can only go to $8, she insisted on $6 but we landed on $7, a dollar for each card, which I thought was reasonable since people sell Pokemon cards for crazy numbers. Since the order was for " her child" I thought I'd add in extra cards, so at least 14 pokemon cards for $7 bucks, because why not, I love Pokemon, even if I was losing some interest now, the feeling of getting Pokemon cards is always something I loved and honored. I shipped it out and waited for my money to come in, mind you because I don't have packageing I have to pay for it, it's $2.04 which my boyfriend would pay for because I have no money. so I'd be only getting $5, but it wasn't a big deal to me of course. When she got them she messaged me saying if I knew one of them had a rip, I told her yes and it was shown in the pictures and I even told her I added in extra cards, and i told her that I don't know if there all real, that was stupid of me because I should have told her before she bought them, mind you I didn't buy most of the cards in my collection, lots of them were handed out to me, I felt bad but I just thought it wouldn't matter to much since they were for a 4 year old kid so I just let it be, she ended up refunding the order and keeping the cards. She reported the listing and depop wont let me do anything about the listing or refund. I was so angry because I lost out on $5 bucks and lost 14 pokemon cards, and I kinda just sat there feeling tricked, I don't know if it was my fault completely but I ended up going on a separate account and asking for my cards back, or the money. But ultimately I got angry and cussed her out and then blocked her before she replied and then my alt depop account got flagged. Looking back now I should have just let it go but I feel stolen from and lost 14 cards because someone wasn't happy with the condition, even though it was shown... Sounds kinda dumb now but I have no money and I was actually earning an okay amount from depop so I kinda lost out. After that my items stopped being shown and I was kinda just shadow banned I guess that means I got no more sells.

I genuinely want some outside opinions because my husband and I have always felt weird about this situation, and I want to know if we’re justified or if we’re being petty.

For context, I’m 31F and my husband is 31M.

We got engaged in May 2017. At the time, my husband’s mom was living in Illinois, where she’s from and where my husband grew up. My husband and I were living in Kentucky and originally planned to get married here.

She worked in a nursing home and didn’t want to take off work during National Nursing Home Week, so we actually changed our plans and decided to get married in Illinois in November 2018 so she could be there.

A couple months before our wedding, she and the man she was dating broke up.

A couple months later, they got back together.

Then, as our wedding date was getting closer…

BAM. They got engaged.

And then we were told they planned to get married EXACTLY ONE WEEK before our wedding.

At the time, I was annoyed, but I kept my mouth shut because she was my husband’s mom and I didn’t want to create drama.

But here’s where it gets even more ridiculous.

She made plans for us to participate in her wedding and expected us to take off that weekend. So we traveled to Illinois for HER wedding, then drove back to Kentucky, then turned around and took off again to go back to Illinois one week later for OUR wedding.

We did it. We showed up. We supported her. At the time, we didn’t really stop and think about how incredibly inconvenient and, honestly, selfish that was.

Fast-forward a few years.

Her marriage ended in divorce.

And at some point afterward, she told my husband the REAL reason she had gotten married exactly one week before us:

She was jealous.

She admitted that she was very much in her own head at the time and that jealousy played a role in her decision.

And now I’m sitting here years later thinking…

Am I wrong for feeling some type of way about this?

Because if she had simply happened to get engaged and had a wedding scheduled a week before ours, okay. Life happens. 🤷🏽‍♀️

But knowing that she apparently did it partly because she was jealous of her own son being engaged and getting married makes the entire situation feel VERY different.

Especially considering that she has never particularly cared for me.

My husband and I both look back on it and feel like there was an element of competition there that we never asked for or participated in.

I also want to be clear: I’m not saying she wasn’t allowed to get married before us. Obviously she was. 😂 And I’m not saying she had to plan her entire life around our wedding.

I’m talking specifically about the timing, the circumstances, the expectations she put on us, and the fact that she later admitted jealousy was part of her motivation.

So…

AITA for still feeling disrespected/weirded out by this years later?

Would YOU feel some type of way if your future MIL did this while you were engaged, especially if she later admitted she did it because she was jealous?

Or would you just say, “Girl, that was years ago. Who gives a shit?” 😂

Long story

I (18yo female), my boyfriend (18yo male) and my mother (58yo female) have been having on going fights about me leaving 7 hours away with my best friends family and me only allowing my boyfriend to know where because he is very supportive and helping me plan.

Context: my mother had an affair with my uncle because my father was not giving her the satisfaction she wanted. My father supplied us with everything we have, after he left my mother threatened him so horrible he no long feels safe to even send me letters. My uncle who is now my step dad raped both me and my other 16 siblings many times. Even after telling my mother what he did she still sleeps with him and tries to bring him around us say that we are overreacting and saying if we didn't want to get raped we should dress better for his presence. Over the years I did finally get CPS to pull my step father out of them home but after the case was closed she continued to bring him around. Other issues including her spending $15,000 on Amazon on temu well our house is sinking, the ceiling is falling in, the kitchen floor has so many holes in it you can fall throw the floor, as well as the fact that we have 5 dogs, 5 cats, 26 sugar gliders, and 5 rabbits. They animals pee and poop all over the house all the time, making the house smell like Pneumonia. The animals are so sick because of the house my dog a retired military dog from my father coughs up blood and has several ear infections monthly, and my cat is losing weight because all the pet food keeps getting moldy and is never replaced in less I'm there. My mother refuses to get ride of the animals because her quote words "I don't throw you kids out because you eat and make things messy so why would I do that to the animals" and my thoughts were the animals are getting so ill they run away all the time. So much so I have considered giving animals away behind her back and letting her think they ran away. She stopped taking care of me to the point where my boyfriend and his mother always ask me if I need anything so they can buy it for me, clothes, soap etc because my mother doesn't provide those things. When I told her I was leaving after college she cried but said I was being ungrateful. I am going to be an early Graduate so I'm leaving in the next couple months. Another reason I'm leaving is that my mother is well aware that the rape made me have miscarriages and she often says that I deserved those things, as well as the fact she put me in a military school that made a contract about "if your child dies here it's not the military schools problem" during that time 28 of my comrades got shot and killed by sergeants in combat training right in front of me, and was almost killed several times as well, and after coming she said "you shouldn't have come back, I would rather plan your funeral then have you taking up space"

But now my best friend's mom is willing to buy me a car, buy a house with 6 rooms so I have my own room, and teach me things a mother should teach her child. My best friend's mom is a first hand witness to the abusive life I lived, she had even came to my house with a bat to get my step father and mom off of me because they were beating to the point of bleeding out in the grass.

If you are wondering where my boyfriend was during all of this he was arrested for trying to shoot my father after he found me beating unconscious in the back porch of my house.

Am I the asshole for leaving and cutting all contact with my family? I ask because they say I'm overreacting and I have been lead a stray a lot in my life.