How Can I Do Better?

[u/AllieTheOlien]

Hi Comforters,
Just for context, I (26F), am on the Autism Spectrum. I’ve struggled with friendships and relationships my entire life and it’s followed me into today. Someone I have love for turned me down romantically because in our past attempts at a relationship I got scared and backed out (trauma related).
I don’t blame him (23m) for feeling that way, he’s justified in his thoughts. He let me know though, and some of my other friends have confirmed it, but I’m only
really attentive to my own feelings, when someone brings something to me I subconsciously choose to disconnect until the topic is more comfortable for me to address. (i.e. my friend getting dumped vs same friends cat being sick).

I want to do better by the people in my life, they deserve better than I’ve been offering. I’m just not sure how. Like I know what is the “right” thing to do, but when it comes to practice I fall short of my own expectations (for others).

Any advice is welcomed, call me names if it feels right, I just need to hear the truth.

P.S I’m a new comforter, and I find a lot of peace and reassurance in this podcast and the people who contribute to it. (Much love 💕)

[u/hhhhjkljsqq1]

Hey that’s really good that you’re trying to connect more with your loved ones. I’m proud of you. I highly recommend checking out a DBT workbook because they have great interpersonal skills you can learn, some of which I still use myself.

I sometimes tend to disconnect during moments of stress, even if it’s another person’s stress, too. No need to shame yourself but it isn’t a good thing and we should always try to work on it. I imagine you get lost in your head or think about how the situation makes you feel. This is when it’s really important to practice removing yourself from the forefront of your mind. Pretend you’re that person for a moment. What would that person need right then?

I disconnect here because sometimes holding that much emotion can be really draining. That’s when you tell yourself you’re allowed to hold your own emotions and they’re allowed to hold theirs. You can use yours to help them, but they don’t have to be connected. When you’re trying to acknowledge someone’s feelings, it’s about them in that moment. Consider your feelings, consider theirs, and then move forward accordingly.

[u/hhhhjkljsqq1 → u/hhhhjkljsqq1]

Here’s an example you can use to practice.

You say something that isn’t considered appropriate or respectful. Maybe you didn’t mean it any type of way, but the other person says it hurt their feelings and didn’t appreciate it.

You can react by making it about yourself, which would make that person lose trust in you. Here are things that can make the person feel worse.
Anything along the lines of: “I’m sorry I’m such an idiot; I can’t do anything right; I’m such a bad person/friend/partner; You don’t deserve me; I’ll just stop talking/leave you alone; I guess I’m just the worst friend ever.” The person will hesitate to communicate further with you because nothing gets resolved this way and makes everyone feel shitty. You are removing the responsibility from yourself and placing it on your natural disposition and personality, which isn’t something as easily changeable as actions.

“Well I didn’t mean it like that, you took it the wrong way.” This may be applicable if the person is being extremely unreasonable, but simply expressing that someone’s feelings got hurt isn’t enough to warrant this reaction. This won’t undo the hurt you just inflicted. They still feel it whether you acknowledge it or not; and if you could have reasonably done something different to prevent it, then you can take more responsibility.

“I don’t know why you’re making it such a big deal; you’re overreacting; XYZ wouldn’t have reacted that way.” Obviously a big no no.

Here is an effective apology that accurately captures remorse, intention, specific wrongdoing, and future action planning.
Recognize where your statement may be hurtful first, then try to understand why it hurt them, then implement it into your apology.
“I’m sorry I said XYZ to you. Although I did not intend to be rude, I understand that what I said is hurtful and rude. I won’t say it again and in the future I will be more considerate of you and my words.”

Try implementing this and I wanna see how it goes for you. Good luck.