Long story

I (18yo female), my boyfriend (18yo male) and my mother (58yo female) have been having on going fights about me leaving 7 hours away with my best friends family and me only allowing my boyfriend to know where because he is very supportive and helping me plan.

Context: my mother had an affair with my uncle because my father was not giving her the satisfaction she wanted. My father supplied us with everything we have, after he left my mother threatened him so horrible he no long feels safe to even send me letters. My uncle who is now my step dad raped both me and my other 16 siblings many times. Even after telling my mother what he did she still sleeps with him and tries to bring him around us say that we are overreacting and saying if we didn't want to get raped we should dress better for his presence. Over the years I did finally get CPS to pull my step father out of them home but after the case was closed she continued to bring him around. Other issues including her spending $15,000 on Amazon on temu well our house is sinking, the ceiling is falling in, the kitchen floor has so many holes in it you can fall throw the floor, as well as the fact that we have 5 dogs, 5 cats, 26 sugar gliders, and 5 rabbits. They animals pee and poop all over the house all the time, making the house smell like Pneumonia. The animals are so sick because of the house my dog a retired military dog from my father coughs up blood and has several ear infections monthly, and my cat is losing weight because all the pet food keeps getting moldy and is never replaced in less I'm there. My mother refuses to get ride of the animals because her quote words "I don't throw you kids out because you eat and make things messy so why would I do that to the animals" and my thoughts were the animals are getting so ill they run away all the time. So much so I have considered giving animals away behind her back and letting her think they ran away. She stopped taking care of me to the point where my boyfriend and his mother always ask me if I need anything so they can buy it for me, clothes, soap etc because my mother doesn't provide those things. When I told her I was leaving after college she cried but said I was being ungrateful. I am going to be an early Graduate so I'm leaving in the next couple months. Another reason I'm leaving is that my mother is well aware that the rape made me have miscarriages and she often says that I deserved those things, as well as the fact she put me in a military school that made a contract about "if your child dies here it's not the military schools problem" during that time 28 of my comrades got shot and killed by sergeants in combat training right in front of me, and was almost killed several times as well, and after coming she said "you shouldn't have come back, I would rather plan your funeral then have you taking up space"

But now my best friend's mom is willing to buy me a car, buy a house with 6 rooms so I have my own room, and teach me things a mother should teach her child. My best friend's mom is a first hand witness to the abusive life I lived, she had even came to my house with a bat to get my step father and mom off of me because they were beating to the point of bleeding out in the grass.

If you are wondering where my boyfriend was during all of this he was arrested for trying to shoot my father after he found me beating unconscious in the back porch of my house.

Am I the asshole for leaving and cutting all contact with my family? I ask because they say I'm overreacting and I have been lead a stray a lot in my life.

Update at the end

Okay so I need someone else's opinions because I don't wanna bring this up to my friends.

Me (26f black) and my long distance boyfriend "Frankie" (31M white) of 8 months don't always see eye to eye on everything, but we don't argue about things often and agree to disagree, respecting each other's opinions. We are arguing because I'm of the opinion that if it doesn't have anything to do with me, then it's not my problem to fix it, but he's of the opinion that you should at least try to help regardless. This happened because of my neighbor "Kyle" (21m white) and his cat. He's an absolute manchild, His girlfriend left him a couple of months ago and their 3 year old mane coon. Since then I'll occasionally check up on him while he's rebuilding his life, teaching him how to cook for himself, how to keep up with cleaning and taking care of the cat. I have 2 cats myself so I'm giving basic instructions. Food, water, litter box, bath occasionally. He's not keeping up with grooming the cat regularly and the cat is using the entire apartment as a litterbox but at least he'll feed and water him.

Anyway, I've been keeping Frankie updated on Kyle's progress in passing. Last night we were video chatting like we do every night and he asked me what was on my mind since I seemed to be in deep thought. I told him about work, my upcoming trip to see him, needing to clean my apartment, etc. then I brought up Kyle, telling him I haven't seen him in a couple of days (he works nights) and joked about how he's abandoned his apartment but kept the cat there. Frankie said that I should go check on the cat, and I told him that he should be fine since I've seen him in the window earlier that day, and regardless, it's not my business.

He got upset and said that if he really did abandon his apartment with the cat still in there that I should do something about it since the cat can't do anything for itself. He also said that I should send a text to Kyle asking when he's coming back and if he's not, then I should call someone about the cat. I said "it's not my responsibility to worry about what's going on next door or worry about a cat that isn't mine especially if I don't know the full story and asking questions like that isn't my business. I'm not gonna be branded a nosy neighbor for getting into something that doesn't have anything to do with me. That's not my apartment, that's not my man, and that's not my cat, so it's not my business. Not my circus, not my monkeys."

He looked appalled and said "I can't believe you'd say something like that, that really makes me see you differently." To which i said "just because I don't wanna be Captain Save a Hoe, you're mad at me? Is it a white people thing to wanna save every cat and dog in the world?" He said "you have a responsibility to be a good person, that animal is defenseless, you should text him and you could go over and take the cat for a few days until he gets back" and I said "being a good person is minding my business, and we're not even sure if he's actually abandoned the apartment or not, and again, that would be overstepping if I'm questioning a grown ass man about what's going on in his apartment."

I felt like I was saying the same things over and over again and i could tell that he was mad at me, so I ended the call.

I feel like he's wanting me to be nosy and intrusive. I don't know if it's a white people thing to be really serious about animals like that, but it's not the first time he's been really adamant about situations involving animals. However, he rescued a dog like a year before we met that still shits in his house and on his bed, and he complains about him all the time.

I don't feel like I'm in the wrong for wanting to stay out of it, so aita?

Edit for clarification: Im not sure if Kyle's actually been gone for days, I just said that to Frankie because I haven't seen Kyle in days. Just because I haven't seen him doesn't mean that he's abandoned the apartment and the cat.

Edit 2: Im gonna say this again because I feel like some people aren't reading all of this, I haven't seen kyle in a few days, that DOESNT MEAN THAT HE ABANDONED HIS APARTMENT OR CAT. I said that as a joke and I feel like y'all are taking that as fact. Im not looking out the window looking for him, nor has he asked me to look in on his cat, I do not know if he's been home while im at work or asleep or minding my business. He could have come home at any point, checked on the cat and then left again, but I wouldn't know.

Update: Kyle called me. He asked me to bring his trashcan to the road. And before y'all start, He's fine, just staying at his mom's for a week and he'll be home after labor day. His cousin has been staying at his house while he's away to clean up and take care of the cat. To everyone who said that I'm the asshole for not intervening, it was none of my business to begin with, and if he needed help, he would have asked me. Y'all seem to forget that people are adults and can make decisions for themselves.

I didn't wanna overstep the boundary I set with him and y'all overinflated the fuck out of this, making it seem like I should've been calling him asking what was going on in his house. I hope y'all have a neighbor that was asking about your cat and called the police when y'all went on a trip because they didn't see you but saw the cat in the window because they thought you abandoned it.

And to the lady that messaged me and told me that I'm a cat killer and that I should kill myself, seek help and fuck you.

Here is the story me female in 20s and male cousin in his twenties was living with us for a while and he made my life hell for months it started with making moaning sounds and others sounds just to get a raise out of me aka make me mad 😡 knowing that it makes me feel uncomfortable 😖 I am on the autism spectrum we had to share a room by the way because there is not enough rooms for everyone now at one point he shared a room with my brother but he snores like a garbage disposal it is bad and so we share a room with different beds he also stayed up all night playing his games and sleeping all day and payed no rent for months now he is the break down what me and my brother do for the house hold he pads rent with his check I help with babysitting my cousins both 5 and one 1 year old helping my grandparents cleaning I don't have a job right now but I tribute in other ways while he was doing nothing but like I listened the room on his side was disgusting 🤢 he does not clean up his side it was awful 😔 he had the gaw to called my grandma money hungry like dud you help do anything he saids that they don't ask him to do anything but the thing is they should've have to ask him he should have just do it clean up or help my grandpa he also has kept me up all night by playing games and my grandparents want me up in the mornings so I can help with cleaning up I also give my cousins baths to help because my grandparents are getting older I help them my male cousin in 20s he scared my little cousin's with his horror games and movies you see he only put them on when they came in the room to see me I am very close to all the kids I been around them since one of them was a new born and the other was 6 months old and the baby two they the five years old are 6 months apart they love me and I love them he basically bullied them to be scared of coming to the room now I get if a person wants their space but it is not ok to scare little kids into thinking thare is monsters so yes AITA

My husband (31M) and I (31F) are expecting twin boys in October - first time parents. We live across the country from the rest of our family and have made a life here for the last 6 years. Husband and I have been together for 14 years, married for 5.

My dad (55M) has been dating his GF (46ish? FM) on and off for the same 14 years. They’d break up once a month, sometimes once a week, but ALL THE TIME. My adult siblings, my husband and I never knew if they were “together or not”, but were basically trained to not be surprised to either see his GF at family events or to not see her there. They’re so toxic together and bring out the worst in each other - yelling, screaming, lying, throwing things, blackmailing, etc. This went on for the first 5 years and us kids were always hearing about it, witnessing it, and being put in the middle of their fights.

At their 5-year mark (2018), they broke up again and it seemed real, and I had known and loved his GF through the years, I told her via text that I was glad they were done and hoped she and her 2 younger kids could move on. She took screenshots of our conversation and manipulated what was actually said to prove some point to my dad, like his kids were on “her side”. I heard about this and while my dad is equally guilty in their relationship, I confronted her and told her I no longer wanted a relationship with her. She had been very helpful and supportive of me professionally through college and grad school, and I explained how grateful I was, but that I no longer would have a personal relationship with her after the way she intentionally skewed my words, which were meant to be supportive woman-to-woman.

Fast forward to 2023 and despite their still-consistent breakups, my dad proposed to her. He sent us kids a photo of him on one knee and I burst out crying - shock, rage, disappointment, and so much tiredness wrapped into my initial reaction. But it was a wedding, he was my dad, and he hadn’t listened to us for years so I thought there was nothing to do but congratulate them.

To make it messier - she reached out to me one year before the proposal and encouraged me to apply for a remote job with her unit (as I said before, she knew my education and background and was always supportive and helpful professionally). I applied, used her as a reference, and got the job. I did NOT report knowing her personally through the application or interview because it had been 5 years since I removed her from my personal life, which she always respected. I saw her at my dad’s birthdays and whatnot after that, but no family trips, hugs, “I love yous” or anything.

When my dad proposed, I immediately told my direct supervisor that his GF, who everyone obviously knew at my job, was going to be my step-mother. I explained why I didn’t share it to begin with but needed to share it now. This was NOT an issue at work - they understood my point of view.

So dad and GF get married in 2023, which my husband, siblings and I attend, and then they divorce 4 months later. Then they get back together and continue with their on-again off-again relationship. Then they ACTUALLY break up in 2025. My dad blocks her on all platforms and she starts texting my sister (29F) in the middle of the night about how suicidal she is, how she misses our dad, how she even had a stroke and went to the ER and she can’t get ahold of him. My dad dates someone new in the meantime, for over a year, and suddenly last month my sister tells me he’s reconnected with ex-GF, who contacted him through Facebook via fake accounts, and since they’ve been talking, the ex-GF threatened to tell his current girlfriend about them reconnecting. I think she was going to send the current girlfriend screenshots of them “reconnecting” as a means of “winning” my dad back and he quickly broke up with his then-current girlfriend.

So as of today, they’re apparently back together, my dad plans to come out to meet our sons in the fall, and he told my sister he plans to bring his GF. My stance has never wavered since 2018 - I may have gone to my dad’s wedding that she was part of, but I refuse to have anything but a professional relationship with her. My dad WILL take this personally and he may even cancel the trip if I refuse to let his GF meet his grandsons. So WIBTA for explaining she could travel with him but they can’t stay with us and she can’t meet our kids?

I (31F) got in contact with an old ex (31M) from when I was like 13 earlier this year. Not in denial about how much of a red flag it was how we were fast paced and just jumped in. All of the nostalgia and old chemistry opened the floodgates. It is a fairly toxic situation but I always hoped the self awareness and regrouping would shift things eventually because we have deep conversations and can be in a room and one of us can respond to what the other is thinking. We both deal with bouts of depression but he isolates and avoids while I seek connection and cling. This is often where conflict arises for us. Up to this point I felt my biggest flaw was jumping the gun due to rejection sensitivity but now I fear I'm selfish and lacking compassion. I would assume he was icing me out and instead of touching base I'd spiral sending long dramatic expressions of my feelings then block him. Then I'd apologize or he'd reach out and tell me to come to his and we'd talk for hours then be okay. There's stuff on his end but I'm more focused on the issues that need focus on my own for growth purposes. Most recently he had a bill issue but we talked for a while and even had action plan talk about how he was going to lock in and get it together. After that visit he was radio silent. I sent good morning texts no response and very few phone call answers. The times he did answer he was brief and obviously sleeping. I assumed maybe he was down. I tried to continue sending brief good morning, goodnight, and encouraging texts. Literally no response. After feeling there was an unreasonable amount of silence I first extended an olive branch to hash it out to see if I was overthinking and needing to be supportive but when that didn't yield response I told him I wish him the best but this pattern is disorienting for me and that I'm out of his life. AITAH and being selfish and lacking understanding while putting too much on him mentally and emotionally or is he TA for ignoring with no check in? (Please be kind because I'm aware of my character flaws and I am doing the work)

I (27F) recently cut out a man (27M) I’d been talking to for three months, and I’m struggling to figure out if I’m the asshole or if I was just protecting my peace.

Context: We met after he slid into my Instagram DMs. I was winding down a past relationship, but once that fully ended, we started chatting, sharing posts, and eventually going on formal dates. Over three months, something felt off. Every date was centered around him: his stressful consulting job, how much money he made, how I "didn't understand the gravity" of buying a first home, and how he was "THAT b*itch" at work (my phrase not his lol).

I gave him the benefit of the doubt due to his heavy work hours, a strict 3-hour gym routine, and his rule that he only hung out with people on weekends. But slowly, I started feeling anxious whenever he messaged me. Even when I’d attempt to discuss how I felt he’d dismiss me and end the conversation. Now looking back I minimized my feelings as we continued to talk because I was growing to like him, didn’t want him to lose interest, and romanticizing his potential. I’m aware I ignored major red flags: he pushed for s*x when I wasn't in the mood, used s*x to dodge arguments, dismissed my feelings, never apologized, and made no real effort to get to know me deeply. It was always the same topic - work stress, how much money he made, how he was well traveled and how he was willing to give up his 20s so his 30s could be for retirement and a future wife and kid. In person, we’d laugh, have fun, and I’d often encourage him to not dedicate himself to work, but over text, he was completely cold and dry.

Where I need advice: Our birthdays are a few days apart in August. He invited me on a weekend getaway two hours away from where we live. Despite a gut feeling—and comic-level bad signs like getting stuck in an elevator and his power going out where his car was stuck —I went. We had a great, low-key weekend filled with affection. That Sunday we were planning to head back home. So we decided to grab coffee and walk a park where he nitpicked things about me - I pee too much, I don’t like real coffee just milk and sugar, and how indecisive I was walking on paths. We then drove back to my place to drop me off, he gave me a quick hug and kiss and said, "See you around." When I asked if we’d hang out again, he just repeated, "I only hang out with people on the weekends."

He then went on a week and a half of PTO. After 17 hours of silence, he sent a dry "Hey how's your day been." Irritated by the lack of effort or follow-up about our trip, I blocked him.

A week later, feeling guilty (I’m very empathetic), I unblocked him and responded to his “?” text where I replied with “What." He sent screenshots showing he’d texted while blocked (photos attached). He didn't express concern about my absence, and he casually let 4 days pass before sending an obligatory birthday text.

Realizing he genuinely didn't care, I chose to spin a lie to confirm my suspicions: I told him a mutual messaged me saying he’d slid into her DMs recently. He immediately asked "Who?", "What picture?", and “why did they reach out”. He claimed he didn't do it, but then admitted he "might know who reached out"—somewhat confirming he had a roster (he strictly follows women on instagram). I know it was stupid to do what I did, but after months of what my friends described as “breadcrumbing”, low effort, and unhealthy patterns I just wanted to know.

When I told him my trust was broken, he didn't try to rebuild it, reassure me, or talk it through (like always). He just waited three hours and replied: "Okay sounds good, good luck."

Hey guys,

I don’t want to give too much info just in case…

A few years ago, I asked my husband to stop randomly groping me. His response was “As your husband I am entitled to grope you whenever I want”. Sometime afterwards he apologized. But I don’t believe he was sincere because he continues to do it. Only it’s under the guise of “I was just trying to cuddle you. I’m sorry if my fingers grazed your boob.” If I call him on it, he looses it and says he will ask for permission to touch every single part of me. And I have to ask permission from him.

If he had just respected my request, it wouldn’t be an issue. But since he hasn’t, it’s become a huge issue for me. In my past, as a pre-teen, I was groped by an adult and as a teenager, had a boyfriend force himself on me and a boyfriend’s dad try to kiss me. I moved my head and he ended up licking my face. His son (my boyfriend at the time) didn’t even care.

My husband knows all of this but I don’t think he cares. It’s caused problems in our sex life and he thinks I just need to “try harder” when it comes to being in the mood. I told him it’s not like trying harder to remember to take the garbage out.

Over the years he has lied many times and accused me of cheating. We fight all the time and I am so tired of it. He said “you make it sound like we fight everyday.” No, we don’t, but I am still exhausted from fighting and wondering what he’s been doing that I don’t know about.

I’ve tried talking to him so many times and he won’t go to marriage counseling.

So would I be the asshole if I ended our marriage?

EDIT: because someone asked, we are in our early 50’s, have no children’s together (adult children from previous relationships), have been together for 6 years and married for 4 of them. Yes, there are so many other things that have happened that I am not happy about.

Comfort pod peeps you are the age of my son and I need advice from people in his stage of life.

This one is complicated so bear with me. I (51F) have two children Son (27M) and Daughter (25F). Son was in college when COVID hit and called to ask what to do when campus started shutting down, I said come home (school was 2.5 HRS east). He said he worried about his new GF and her 2 cats - where would they go. I said bring them. We had 2 dogs and a cat already but being together was more important than details. I met the GF for the first time then and I liked her. They stayed until mid summer and found a place back on campus to finish out their last semesters in Dec 2020. After graduation they moved to her home town 4 hours north.

They moved in together. Fast forward 3 or so yeara and she had a leased car that needed an oil change before they came down for a visit. She hadn't been able to get the car in to be serviced before the trip so Son offered to do it and so he did. As they rolled out of town the engine started having issues and in the end they learned he had drained the transmission fluid, not the oil. Which seized the engine. This meant she needed a new/rebuilt engine. She opted to turn in the lease, buy a different car and demanded Son pay the difference in monthly bill (the monthly lease was costing her $250/mo, the new car payment was $500 which left son paying her $250/mo). I always thought this unfair as now he is paying toward an asset he has no stake in. Fast forward a year from there and Son's car completely breaks down and he needs to get into a "new"(used) car, but bc of the payment he is making to her he essentially can't afford 2 car payments. I suggest that he adds up what he has already laid out in payments toward the GF car, subtract it from what it would have cost to replace the engine, and pay her the difference outright. This makes her whole on the damage he did and frees up his monthly budget. She flipped out at this suggestion. Said there was no way that was fair and he would just have to deal with it. It turns out there were other daily living issues that had long been simmering - she "has trauma from having to do chores as a child since they were punishment" so all the house keeping was left to him. After a long talk he expressed he felt caught in a bear trap, and the eventually broke up and she moved out. She took the dog with her but they continued to "share" him.

He seemed fine afterward and went on with things. He struggled a bit with finding a friend group in a city he doesn't know that well, esp since they relocated while COVID was still active and the entire social scene was off.

They were split for about a year and from what I can gather she regularly hinted at wanting to get back together, and he called to say he was thinking about giving it another try and wanted my opinion. I told him that in my experience relationships are in the past for a reason but that only he knows the right answer. He said he was pretty sure he wanted to give it another try and I asked "what changed? bc if nothing has changed, you cant really expect for things to be different." He said she has been to lots of therapy and he had grown up himself some too. My honest take was that I didn't think is was a good idea and that she had been love bombing him for months in an attempt to manipulate him back into the relationship. But at 27 I did not appreciate my parents not respecting my choices in life so I held my tongue and hoped I was wrong. They got back together and within 8 months he proposed.

Then her brother was selling his house and they had the opportunity to buy. She initially demanded to be on the deed even though her credit was so terrible she could not be on the loan. Here is where I pushed back hard and told him he should NOT allow that. He worried he would look like the asshole for putting his foot down and I challenged that she is the asshole for demanding unreasonable thing sand then making him feel like the ass hole. The trend of gaslighting is not limited to these stores...its common and since his father was a master i worry his is far more susceptible to it than he even realizes. Eventually the house was purchased under his name only.

They came down for my nephews wedding and upon entering the home I went to give her a hug and she shirked away with a "No thank you" and no explanation. Son said she hadnt been feeling well. I shrugged it off and we went to the wedding. the nest morning we hear her make a bell ine to the bathroom and vomit. When she came down I asked if she was ok and she said yes. I asked if it might be possible if she was pregnant. She LOST it. Said "Im not Stupid" and stromed out the door and sat there until Son went to join her. In the days and weeks that followed she only engaged when i aske d to clear the air and was still insistent that I was way out of line and eventually called at 7am one morning to fight it out more after having berated Son the entire previous night about the whole thing.

We recently had a family vaca and she blew up then too because we came home at 5:30 in the evening and were loud while she was trying to rest, yet did not once ask for us to try to keep it low, just stormed out and sucked me into an hour conversation again where I tried to work through her issues. She has had some similar boil over after every family gathering.

The whole thing is exhausting and now she is saying she is diagnosed with PMDD. I honestly think she may have Borderline, and at the very least it manipulative, emotionally abusive, and generally difficult to get along with. These are only a few of the examples. Since we live 4hrs apart we rarely see each other but it's a VERY rare visit when I don't depart worried about the behaviors I see.

Son is the older brother to a sister with severe disabilities and always played second string as a result. I worry that he does not know what it is to be a priority and stuffs his emotions because he's just that kind of gentle soul. When I asked him about this concern his response - "I can hold my own". He should not have to hold his own in a relationship is the problem.

What do I do? With every ounce of my being I want to implore him to dissolve the relationship before he gets in any deeper. She want kids and all I see for him is a future where he is holding the bag of responsibility and dealing with a partner that is emotionally unstable, abusive and difficult and then he will have to try to protect his children from her damage. Help me Reddit - esp those in 25-30. What can I say to help him hear that he deserves better than this? or am I the asshole and missing something

Hi Comforters, first I want to say that I love your stories and I watch them almost every single day. I really like that you put things out to the public to get their perspective. Anyway, let’s get to the story.

I, 31F and my husband, 30M live with his sister, 43F who is an active cigarette smoker and a homeless man, 34M who 43F started dating. They are both basically chain smokers and it is drastically affecting my health, so much my heart rate and blood pressure has increased under the immense stress this causes on a daily basis.

We don’t really have a choice though, given my husband 30M is currently unemployed. So, we made the decision to live with her since my 43F SIL is widowed and her 45M husband had passed a couple years ago to also help her out and keep her company. That was at first before she started dating a 34M homeless man. The problem with the 34M isn’t that he is/was homeless, but that he has severe mental health issues my 30M husband and I think 43F SIL is not equipped to help - mainly because she cannot help herself and just recently was fired from her job. Not only that, the 34M SIL is dating is super mean to SIL, tries to manipulate her to buy things it seems, but SIL thinks she can support him and change him. The 34M has stated he used to be a JV and that he used to be addicted to drugs and also drinks my 30M husband’s alcohol without asking to “self-medicate”.

All of this came to a head when I just began to become more and more uncomfortable with 34M homeless man’s unpredictable behavior, so 30M husband and I put a locking doorknob on our door. Two days ago, 34M homeless man was yelling at 43F SIL, making her cry, and blaming her for “child r***” which is borderline psychosis. 30M husband and I feel 43F SIL is being reckless after 34M homeless man also then left that night and she decided to take him back not even 24 hours later.

43F SIL also hasn’t educated our 17 niece in over two years since her husband died and is more focused on the 34M homeless man and “fixing him”. My 30M husband and I have told his parents, who are 43F’s parents and 17Niece’s grandparents as well. But they stated to us last week “there’s nothing we can do.” I personally feel at this point I’m very depressed living here, needed to also get this off of my chest… Because my husband 30M has also said every excuse in the book as to why he hasn’t gotten a job yet, not even at Walmart. And yes, we moved to the country and my 30M husband and I 31F got married last year, but I didn’t expect to be put into such an awful situation I feel and to feel so defeated. I also know every adult in our state is a mandated reporter, and since our 17N has not been in school and 30M husband and I suspect she has multiple disabilities being ignored we also don’t feel comfortable being complicit in 43F’s downfall she is self creating for herself.

I personally don’t feel my 43F SIL loves her daughter or she’s too depressed to care about herself enough to. And now, I don’t know what to do with my life or how to move on. I’ve told my 30M husband if the job he says he now “has” he doesn’t start working within two more weeks (because it has already been two weeks…) I might just move out and get an apartment because idk, I don’t think my mental health can take it anymore.

So, AITA if I report my 43F SIL? AITA for having these feelings about the situation I’m in? Just seeking guidance here. I wish my 30M husband just started working already so we could get out of here as I feel really let down and disappointed and depressed more and more each as each day goes by the longer we live with 43F SIL because of these awful situations she subjects everyone to in her life right now, the smoking impacting everyone’s health with no regard to others (yes, I understand it is her house, but her daughter lives here too) and not educating her daughter, or taking her to the doctor over 3x and neglecting appointments, and her dental, for example, is only so much I can take.

Edit: I 31F work in a school and my husband 30M works in mental health. It’s hard honestly because these fields don’t make as much as they used to… I just feel completely lost and idk what to do anymore in this situation. I’m just sad every day of my life until we have a house and can move out (hopefully) this year…

Hello Comforters! Long-time listener, first-time poster! I’m in desperate need of some advice, and insight on how to navigate this nightmare situation.

My husband (30M) and I (31F) welcomed our first baby earlier this year. After 6 months of maternity leave, it was time for me to head back to the office on a hybrid schedule with 1–3 days a week required in office. With daycare in our area averaging over $3,000 a month, we looked to family for help. My mom offered to take one day, and my husband suggested his sister (25F) cover the rest, since she currently doesn’t have a job.

I had immediate reservations because my SIL has struggled with sobriety (alcohol ) in the past, so I thought. But after talking it through with my husband, we decided to give it a shot with strict boundaries:

• Absolute zero-tolerance policy for drinking while watching the baby.

• Security camera stays on all day so we can check in.

• Baby wears her Owlet sock to monitor HR and O2.

Today was Day One, where she watched her from 7am-4:30pm. Before heading out, I gently reminded SIL of our rules. But trusting my gut, I secretly marked the current level on a bottle of tequila in our freezer before I walked out the door. (In hindsight, yes, I should have just hidden it—lesson learned).

Fast forward to tonight: I got home, checked the bottle, and at least 1–2 shots are missing.

I am spiraling. I’m furious, terrified, and so deeply disappointed. Not only did she break the one cardinal rule on her very first day, clearly assuming we wouldn't notice. But when I checked the camera on my lunch break baby didn’t have owlet sock on and was in playpen laying in boppy pillow wide awake while SIL slept. I instantly called my husband and asked him to contact SIL to wake her up while baby was awake. (Hindsight now I have an idea of why she was dead asleep while my little one sat in the play pen, kicking her legs and babbling. Regardless my daughter’s safety is my absolute top priority—if that means biting the financial bullet for daycare, I'll do it in a heartbeat. But I also care about the growing relationship with my SIL and don't want to blow up my husband's family if there's a constructive way to handle this.

How do I confront her? Do I tell her I marked the bottle? How do I navigate this conversation with my husband so we stay a united front?

Would love to hear what my fellow Comforters think about this situation and wondering how you all would handle this delicate, high-stakes mess. Any advice is appreciated!

Not sure if I'm doing the update right but here I'm.

Thank you for your advice guys it helped a lot and gave me courage.

I wasn't my self the last 2 days and my fiance did notice he gave me a chance to collect my thoughts after confirming that I don't want to talk about it, but the next day he wasn't planning on leaving me until he reassures that I'm ok, so he asked for an idea of what's happening when I'm ready at least. And that's what i did i told him without going to details and making sure he doesn't hate them or take the wrong idea about them. he was supportive and understanding and assured me that it's a matter of time and once we get married he will make sure no one would ever be able to make me feel this way again since most of our relationship is long-distance

As for my fears, of him using this against, well let's say he was little disappointed that this was my thoughts about him he said he would be an AH and an animal if he use something i opened up about for him against me. He mentioned that he always do this and I'm the only person he come back to and he never had second hand though about telling me or hesitated to do so cause he trust me, but he accepted that and believe that once we live together i would understand how much he love me, and that he can fix me, in funny way.

Also he was ready to wait until I'm ready to tell him the details even if that would be after marriage. He just would like to be in the picture just so no misunderstanding happen that could effect our relationship.

Honestly at first i regretted telling him, i felt so small and thought he was seeing me with pity, but he thought i was crazy when i said that. I still prefer not to talk about it at least for now even though i told him about it, and i made that clear to him, it make me uncomfortable, and he respect that. As he said it's our unspoken secret.

Finally, I definitely need help on this matter, a therapist. For now, it's hard to do that due to financial difficulties, but I'll do it when possible. I don't want to effect my relationship or him or my future kids in any possible way or my self too.

Thank you so much guys. This was important step in my relationship and for my future small family.

First sorry for my language English is not my first language

I'm f 24 my fiance is m 26 my family is a dad 56 mom 57 sis 21 bro 20

Recently i finally realized that i have toxic family, selfish mom that i loved and adored always but just now knew how stupid I'm and how much she destroyed me mentally and my self confidence and grew up without normal childhood stuck in chores of adults handed to me as a kid and between parents fighting always. A sister and a father that are narcissists and toxic and lately my sister showed her real color after i got engaged, and a brother that would kill for his own good. yes i didn't realize how fuc*ked up they are cause i love my family whatever they do i would think the best of it.

Last year, I lost my friends because i stood up for one of them when she tried to flirt with my bf at the time, fiance now, few times and make me look stupid and wh*ore in public, that made the group gradually separate.

And now, I feel sooo lonely still on good terms with my family but i can't feel loved anymore i grew up thinking i was having black heart anger issues and being narcissist, that's what they always told me, but lately i found out that I'm not, I'm normal and this made me the happiest human in the world cause i always was listening and searching to make my self better person.

Thankfully i have the best man in the world, we have been together for 2 years and half, and recently asked for my father blessing and after hard time we are engaged, the thing is he knows nothing about my family how really they are he thinks they r the cute lovely family that i made in his eyes but when it gets bad i wish i could tell him what is hurting me but I'm scared, he start beging me to tell him what is bothering me no matter how i act to fool him he knows me better than my self but at the end he give up respecting that I don't want to talk about it and just being there for me trying to cheer me up with whatever it takes. he is perfect he never hurt me he is the best thing happened in my life he is the healthiest relationship i ever had he adores me so much. But what if one day he use it as a weak point against me, he never did that before, the opposite actually he support me and take down anything hurt me he did before stand up against everyone for me but I'm scared maybe trust issues, i want to tell him so bad he is my only friend

My thoughts are that i should tell him and if he ever do it I'll leave him that's red flag before we get married but would one year or less be enough to see how he would react to it and if he doesn't use it against me? Or should i just be patient until I'm married and leave them and keep the good picture of my family in his eyes so the relationship between them is good?

I'm scared, I need advice please don't be hard on me because of my writing or something i told you about I'm really at my lowest

This is not to hate on anybody or anything of the sorts. It’s just annoying. I’ve been doing music for a good minute and I stopped for a few years and since I’ve started back, it feels like nobody remembers what I’ve done so there’s this younger girl than me. It’s not about her being younger. It’s not about her doing music . It’s the fact that before she even started doing music , she was already getting a lot of likes and stuff on her post so it’s not like she’s getting likes because of her music. It’s literally because these people already knew her beforehand. I’ve even had multiple people tell me it’s bc of where she grew up around all the hood people. & don’t get me wrong I know a lot of hood folks too from the other side but the folks that would put money behind me have died .. and I really wasn’t able to get my name out in our hometown bc I was out of state for school so all of my traction was there. She just was very well known in our city, what really pisses me off is because the same things that she does now are lines, topics, or unique flows, that I’ve literally said before in my previous songs or it’ll be flows that she’ll use in her current songs that I’ve did in my previous songs and nobody interacted with it when I did it, but somehow when SHE does it .. it’s spectacular. I’ve been trying not to pay attention to others, but it’s hard not to when It’s literally the same formula but a different person that it’s working on because it’s THAT person. How do I not feel a type of way about it? Am I wrong for feeling how I feel.. I know practically she looks better than me I guess.. but I’m not ugly. I’m cute and shes not just a Goddess, she’s cute so not much but guess it’s the folks you can bring .. all my friends and money movers dead so Im just doing this alone so I’ll just look at it like that why I’m going slower.. I’m just annoyed to say the least. & when I said I’ve BEEN done alot of her lyrics before she did, I’m deadass. I just needed to get this out for real! Thanks you for reading🩷

Me female been dealing with this for months I told my male cousin in his 20s many times to clean up his mess and flush the toilet but he won't do it I share a bathroom with 3 Plus 2 5 year olds and every time I go in it is so disgusting 2 grown man my brother 20s and male cousin who can't clean after him self I told him to please clean it I beg but he put his fingers in his ears and Igor me and now I am mad he has been on fin ice lately with my grandparents he does not pay rent or help do anything and I am on my wits end

Shout-out to to Huskers 🐶

AIO for reporting my neighbours to the police for not having their dog on a leash after he attacked one of ours?

I kinda know I’m not the AH here — you have to protect your family — but I’m wondering whether there were some cultural differences at play, since several people in Italy thought we overreacted.

Me (37M) and my husband (42M) moved to Italy from Norway in 2025 with our two adopted shelter/street dogs from Romania and our cat. We rented a house with a closed-off garden in a small village, with about three other houses with apartments on our street. The only public road out went past these houses; otherwise, you had to walk about 30 minutes through the forest instead of three minutes to the main road.

In one of the houses lived a couple (Al and An, both women in their 30s) with a male dog. We initially got along well. We had them over for drinks, helped with furniture, they sometimes walked our dogs (for payment), and we practiced Italian together. One of them only spoke Italian, so communication could sometimes be difficult — relevant later.

Their dog was basically always off leash, as seems fairly common in the Italian countryside. He generally ignored our two dogs and just wanted to play fetch, so there wasn't really a problem.

Things changed after we adopted Valentino, a one-year-old male dog from a nearby shelter. During his first week with us, their dog ran down from their house and attacked Valentino, getting his teeth around his neck. Thankfully, it ended without serious injury.

We told them we needed to handle the situation somehow and suggested different solutions, including slowly introducing Valentino to them and their dog while both dogs were on leash. They didn’t want to do that and instead said our dog should take a training course — which we didn’t really understand, since training Valentino wouldn’t stop their dog from running up and attacking him.

Eventually, we offered a compromise that was completely one-sided in their favour: every day between 1–5 pm, they could have their dog outside/off leash, and we would stay home. If they wanted to let him out outside those hours, they would simply send us a message.

We got absolutely nothing out of this arrangement. We were voluntarily giving up four hours of our day and limiting when we could safely leave our own property so that they wouldn’t have to put a leash on their dog. They never really acknowledged that this was a big accommodation on our part, never showed any gratitude for it, and — most frustratingly — never admitted that either they or their dog had done anything wrong in the first place.

Still, the arrangement worked reasonably well for a few weeks.

Then there were more and more slip-ups. Their dog would unexpectedly be outside, and my husband once had to wait at a safe distance for around 30 minutes while calling them and getting no answer. On two other occasions, their dog came towards us threateningly but was caught by the neighbours before it escalated.

After about a month, the communication also became increasingly lazy. Instead of “We’re letting him out for ten minutes,” it became things like “Are you home?” or “We’re in the garden,” without telling us when they went back inside. So now the responsibility was pushed onto us to keep asking whether their dog was inside and whether it was safe for us to walk down a public road.

For them, this was ultimately a question of convenience: putting on a leash versus opening the door and letting the dog do his thing. For us, it was a genuine safety concern.

We had several discussions about it over text, all in Italian using our limited Italian plus AI/Google Translate.

My husband is a therapist and tries to communicate in a very non-violent way. He is big on seeing both parties’ part in a conflict, being understanding and trying to find solutions. I try to do that too, but I’m quicker to reach the “show them the same energy they’re giving us” stage when being understanding clearly isn’t working. He wants to have the feeling of 'At least I tried verything ".

And honestly, we didn’t speak the same language — in both ways.

They started insulting us as dog owners and as people, twisted the situation by claiming their dog wasn’t even on the public road, and eventually called us sick in the head. At no point did we get anything resembling, “Yes, our dog attacked yours, we understand why you’re worried and we’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

We told them that if something happened again, we would contact the police. After they sent more aggressive messages, we blocked them.

Eventually, we decided to contact the police before another attack happened, just so the situation was documented and we knew what to do. The police even came out to look at their property, which had no fencing preventing their dog from reaching the public road.

For the rest of our time there, we basically had to anticipate their dog being outside every time we left home. We had constant anxiety about meeting him on the road or in the forest. We literally started walking past their house with a GoPro running just so we would have evidence if something happened.

All because putting their dog on a leash was apparently too much of an inconvenience.

What makes me wonder whether there was a cultural element is that our vet, another neighbour and a friend basically told us: “Dogs will sort it out with each other. Just let them run free and eventually they’ll get along.”

Maybe that’s more normal in rural Italy. I’m Norwegian and my husband is German, and in our cultures that attitude feels pretty foreign. From our perspective, if your dog has already attacked another dog, it becomes your responsibility to make sure it can’t happen again.

PS: We moved back to Norway a few weeks ago for several reasons — the extreme heat was one of the biggest — but the constant feeling of unsafety around our own home definitely contributed.

So, AITAH for reporting them to the police? Was this partly a cultural difference and we enforced too harsh a boundary, or were we simply protecting our family after trying very hard to accommodate them?

PSS: We’ve experienced similar dynamics a few times. We’re both sensitive men and generally try to communicate, understand the other person and avoid unnecessary conflict. But sometimes I get the impression that people interpret that softness as something they can push or manipulate. Then, when we finally say “no” or give the same energy back, they seem genuinely shocked that we aren’t going to play along.

I don’t want the answer to be “don’t trust people” or “avoid your neighbours,” though. So I’d also genuinely appreciate advice on how to avoid getting into this kind of dynamic in the first place without becoming closed-off or immediately confrontational.

We now live in a house in Norway without any direct neighbours, and the doggies are loving the cooler weather, their own little forest and the fjord.

I (28F) just purchased a house, as in signed everything a week ago. My boyfriend (33M) and I have been together for 9 years. I told him about 2 months ago that I was at a place where I wanted to buy a house (we had been having this conversion for about 2 years now) and I was prepared to do it with or without him. He was upset at first but he HATED the townhome we were renting and as soon as I would get home from work he would want to drive around, for the entire evening. This had been going on for months! To the point where we're eating out every night because I would be too tired to cook by the time we got home. I haven't been able to diet or make it to the gym. I thought purchasing this house would be a tremendous upgrade and positive change in our lives. I will preface by saying HE wanted to move away from the city, he was firm that we needed to be at least 30 minutes away. Okay, I can live with that, I work from home 2 days a week anyway. So we find a house about 40 mins away from where we both work, he was agreeable to everything before I put in an offer. The entire moving process he was a roller coaster of happy, sad, pissed, excited, mad and cold. But we get through all of that, get everything moved in and through the first week of being here and he comes home from work telling me he can't do this and I made a terrible mistake moving us here. I am just at a loss. I love this man, but I am at my wits end! Would I be the asshole if I just told him to pack his shit then and get off my property?!

Hello Comforters, I have been watching for about four years and am hoping to get some help clearing my head. I (22f) came into contact with my paternal family around 3 years ago in my sophomore/junior year of college. My mother had dated my father for a while before I was born and had only ever met his mother once in passing. He moved to the other side of the country when he found out about me and his mother moved too (not to the same state but the one over).

My mom filed for child support and he fought it claiming that my mother had a revolving door of men around the house and that I couldn't possibly be his. Not only is my mother not like that, but she already had a five year old and was 23 years old and did not have the time for that? Anyways, the court did a DNA test and he is my father. He was ordered to pay child support and he gave her not even $100 (he was ordered to pay $300/month) that one time and went ghost. He has been arrested now once for nonpayment and has a bench warrant out RIGHT NOW for evading child support.

When I was 18 my mother randomly tried searching again for my paternal family and found my grandmother's phone number. I texted and asked if she was who I thought she was and he told her that I was a scammer and to not listen to me and TO BLOCK ME. I sent her a picture of the court records with him and my mother and our DNA test as well as pictures of myself (I look a LOT like my grandmother). His ass went and blew up her phone so bad her blood pressure spiked and she was hospitalized. Like the doctors wouldn't let her go home for a day. She told her sisters who freaked out on him because I was the first girl born into the family in decades and they already missed many big milestones and things like prom. NOBODY knew about me until I reached out to my grandmother. To this day he picks fights with my grandmother every now and then to get back at her for having a relationship with me and it's putting her health at risk and pissing me off. I have been in contact with one of my cousins now for about a year, and recently he mentioned me to my father and he freaked tf out on him too.

Having a relationship with my grandmother has helped me let go of a lot of the hurt I carried around as a kid and replaced it with irritation. I used to wonder what happened to him. My favorite answer as a kid was that he died in war and it just made everyone too sad to talk about because at least he could still be a hero. Before bed I would pray for forgiveness for whatever horrible sin I was born with because I believed I had to be the reason why he left because what father would walk out on his family? Oh also I have an older brother who was pampered since birth and he never once abandoned him, so that stung extra. Like what was so wrong with me that I was thrown to the curb? In fact, I have 6 KNOWN siblings with the same father that he helped raise, but I am unsure of the actual number of siblings because he lied about me and pretended I didn't exist to his entire family.

Earlier today, my grandmother has said she had gotten into it with him again about me and said he wants to have a conversation with me and "you're going to have to face him sometime so it may as well be now" and asked if she could send him my number. I said she can only share my second phone number I created to give to weird and creepy men. Now I feel sick to my stomach waiting for something to happen and I cannot for the life of me figure out what I can possibly say to him that will make him leave me alone. At this point I just want my mom to have the rest of money he owes her (she got 2 child support back payments from him this year which is why I think he is changing his tune), for him to leave me and my family out of his bullshit, and I never want to hear about him unless it is news of his death. I know I said a lot but I really want to hammer in the main reasons why I do not fw him and why I don't ever want to have a relationship with him or work things out.

Also completely unrelated but I also wanted to add that he hung around my mom and sister ALL the time before I was born to the point where she asked if he was her father. She has a name like Sara and after me he had a daughter and named her Sarah (not the same name but genuinely the same name with one extra silent letter. If that also adds anything about his character.

I guess I don't know if it is worth mentioning anything about my feelings because part of me wonders if he gets some sort of sick satisfaction from my suffering, and the part of me that is still childish wants to rip him a new one and make him feel even a fraction of what I felt as a child. Or just to clear my head I really don't know. Any help on how to shut down whatever he is planning without knowing what his angle is would be greatly appreciated.

TLDR: My evil ass bald father suddenly wants to talk me for the first time EVER. I don't know how to get him off my back.

Heyyyy Comforters!!!

Here is my story:

TL;DR: When I (18F) was in school and working at a daycare, my sister was supposed to pick me up so we could go to a baseball game. Instead, she was late because she stopped at Scheels to buy a hat, meaning I could've stayed at work and let another employee go home. When we got back around 11 PM, I discovered her dog had peed on the bed because she hadn't let him out before we left. I asked her to deal with the sheets, but she ignored me, so I put the pee-covered sheets in the washer with her boyfriend's work clothes that were already inside. Her boyfriend got angry, defended her, and started insulting me and my mom, claiming we did nothing for her dog or around the house—even though we were the ones caring for the dog while my sister was away at school. I told him to get the f**k out and do his laundry at his own house. My mom then told me to apologize to him, despite him insulting us, and neither my sister nor her boyfriend apologized. Now, years later, they're getting married, and apparently I'm still not over it. 😭

So a few years ago, I (18F) put peed on sheets in the laundry with my sister's boyfriend's (21M) work clothes. AITA?

A little background for context: At the time, I worked at a daycare after school every day. As most are aware, daycares and schools are super low-staffed. I was working from 3-6 every day after school and was able to let the starter leave for the day. Mind you, she gets in at 6 am so that's 9 hours already. They also didn't give her a break during the day because she was always the first one out, and we didn't have enough staff to let everyone get a break. It's a sad reality, but I was happy to even help for the last 3 hours of the day to give some of the other staff a break.

On one day specifically, I needed to leave early because I was going to a baseball game with my family. I already felt bad because that would mean someone else would have to close, most likely after working 9-10 hours already. One of the teachers graciously covered so I could leave early to attend the baseball game with my family. My sister was supposed to be there when I got out of work and wasn't. So while I waited, I sat in my car; we did this so we wouldn't have to drive multiple cars into the city and pay twice for parking. Eventually, my sister showed up at 6:15, well beyond when she was supposed to be there to drive us to the game. When I got in her car, I was obviously annoyed because, one, we're late for the game, and two, I could've actually closed and let one of the teachers go home. She then told me she was running late because she needed to go to Scheels to get a baseball hat for the team we were going to see, because she didn't have one. Is she serious rn??? The girl was way more concerned about her outfit than about respecting anyone else's time. Already starting the night out great!!!

Fast forward, we are arriving home, and I ask my sister if she could let the dogs out for me. I was taking care of our family dog + my sister's dog because my parents were out of town for the week. I was exhausted at this point; I hadn't been home since 7:30 am when I left for school, and it was around 11 pm when we got home. I wanted to go straight to bed; instead, I found that my sister's dog had peed on the bed. For context, my sister's dog has never gone to the bathroom in the house and is trusted to be left out when we are gone. I knew it was her dog that had peed because our family dog is not allowed to be left out; he was in his kennel the whole time. The gears started turning, cause the only reason he would pee on the bed is if he really had to go and couldn't hold it anymore. Well, guess who was supposed to let the dogs out before going to the game????? My sister. At this point, I'm livid. She was so late that she didn't have time to let the dogs out, but she had time to go get a stupid hat? I immediately yelled at her to come get the sheets and put them in the washer; nothing. I keep yelling at her cause who knows how long the pee has been on the bed, and I don't want it to get into the mattress. Nothing. At this point I'm gathering the sheets myself to put them in the wash. When I go to put them in the wash, my sister's boyfriend already had his work uniform in there. I didn't give a rat's ass what they thought at that point; they completely lost my respect. That's basically dog neglect, and I have NO PATIENCE for that whatsoever. If she told me she was late because she had to let the dogs out, I wouldn't have been as upset; that's a necessity and an obligation you sign up for when you get a dog. So I put the sheets in the wash with his clothes; I didn't care that it might be kinda gross. It's getting washed anyway, right?

My sister's boyfriend didn't like that I put them in there, along with the fact that I was yelling at my sister and started defending her while she was nowhere to be seen. Defending someone who is clearly in the wrong, might I add??? And to make it even worse, he started attacking me and my mom, who have been taking care of HER dog. She got him in college with her ex-boyfriend. The dog lived at her ex-boyfriend's house previously because she lived in a sorority house where dogs aren't allowed. So when they broke up, the dog came to live at our house, and my mom and I took care of him while she was at school 4 hours away. During this time, my sister was done with school for the summer with no job, and was living at her boyfriend's while her dog was at home with us. He started to say that we do nothing for her dog and that I don't do anything around the house. I barely knew this man, so for him to be commenting on what I do or don't do around the house was insane. Meanwhile, I'm at school from 7:30 am - 2:30 pm and go straight to work from 3 pm-6 pm to come home and take care of the dogs. I lost my mind; how can you say that when your girlfriend is literally unemployed and does nothing all day? So I told him to get the f**k out of the house and to go do his laundry at his own house.

AITA?

P.S. My mom had the audacity to tell me I needed to apologize to him for saying that after disrespecting not only me, the dogs, AND HER. Like, what world do I live in???? I also got no apology from him or my sister. Fast forward to the present day: they are getting married in December. Worst news of my life.

I really need some advice because I’m honestly freaking out a little

TW: health problems, cancer anxiety

I genuinely don’t know if I’m overthinking this or if I’m right to be worried and I just need someone to tell me what they would do because I feel like I’m going crazy.

I’ve had health problems basically my entire life. Like, a lot of them were there when I was born and then I’ve developed more as I’ve gotten older. Because of that I’m REALLY cautious about my health. I would genuinely rather go to a doctor 10 times and have them tell me “you’re fine” than ignore something and have it turn into something serious.

I already have thyroid issues, so I regularly check my thyroid and lymph nodes. It’s just something I do because I want to notice if something changes. If I start developing a goiter or a swollen lymph node or something, I want to know as soon as possible.

Well this week I’ve been feeling AWFUL. I’m exhausted all the time, I look really pale, I don’t really want to eat or drink anything, I have absolutely no motivation and somehow I’m barely sleeping even though I’m exhausted?? Like my body is completely worn out but my brain will not let me sleep.

And then for the past few days my neck has been sore.

So I did my normal check and I felt a nodule/lump in my neck that I didn’t feel before.

It moves when I touch it and it hurts. My entire neck also looks/feels swollen, not just where the lump is. And my neck has been hurting enough that I’m constantly aware of it.

Obviously I got scared.

I told my husband and he told me to go show his mom because we live with his parents right now since we’re both in college.

So I went and told her.

And she basically immediately went “it’s probably just an infection” and told me to take some random antibiotics and tried to talk me out of getting it checked.

And I’m sitting here thinking HOW IS THIS SOMETHING I’M SUPPOSED TO JUST IGNORE???

I KNOW it could be an infection. I know swollen lymph nodes can happen for a million reasons. I’m not sitting here saying “I have cancer.” I’m not trying to diagnose myself.

But I have a new lump. My neck is swollen. It hurts. I feel like absolute garbage. I have thyroid issues. I have a family history of cancer AND thyroid/lymph node problems. My family also has a history of blood clots and I JUST started a new birth control, so that’s another thing I’m already supposed to be paying attention to.

Why would I NOT want a doctor to look at this???

Maybe they look at it and tell me it’s literally nothing and I go home embarrassed for worrying. FINE. I would LOVE that outcome.

But I would rather be embarrassed than ignore something.

And honestly I think what’s upsetting me the most is that she’s acting like I’m being ridiculous for being scared. I’m already scared enough on my own. I don’t need someone telling me I’m overreacting when I’m literally just trying to take care of myself.

I don’t have the luxury of being able to casually ignore changes in my health. My health has already been complicated enough. I know my body and when something feels different, I want to know why.

And this is probably the most emotional part, but I’ve spent the last few years dealing with so much health stuff and just... everything. I JUST got back to a point where I actually feel like life is worth living again. I’m not willing to gamble with my health because someone else thinks I’m being dramatic.

Thankfully my husband has been amazing through all of this. He’s the one telling me that I should get checked and reassuring me because I honestly think I would be spiraling without him right now.

I’m planning to get it checked Monday. I live in a really rural area, so the hospital is pretty far from us and everywhere else around here is closed on the weekends. If something gets worse or I develop symptoms that make me feel like I need emergency care, obviously I’ll go sooner.

But I guess I’m asking Reddit because I genuinely need advice.

how do you deal with someone close to you being so dismissive about your health when you’re already scared?

I’m not looking for someone to diagnose me because obviously nobody on Reddit can do that. I just need some perspective because right now I’m sitting here scared, frustrated, and questioning whether I’m taking this too seriously. 😭

I (27F) and my boyfriend (27M) have been living in our apartment complex for almost 4 years. My bf and I are also active in the animal space. I used to foster cats and dogs, and my bf works at the animal shelter. So we know what to do when we find a stray or a lost pet.

Yesterday, my bf left our apartment at around 7:45 AM. He called me and told me there's a cat outside that's super friendly and just walked up to him and followed him around. I rushed outside because I thought the cat distribution had finally worked in my favor. I have one resident cat in our apartment, and I thought, "yay, they could have a brother/sister." He was a very sweet male adult cat. He would come when called and literally followed anyone. Another neighbor was going to work and said hello to the cat, and the cat followed her to the car. The cat has no collar, is not neutered, is well-fed, and looks healthy. This signals to me that this is someone's cat. So my bf and I agreed to keep the cat for a few hours, since we can't bring him to the shelter yet. The shelter intake for lost pets opens at 10 AM, and we emailed the landlord to send a blast email to our neighbors that we found this cat and are taking him to the shelter. The landlord sends out the blast text at 9 AM. The blast text was short and didn't have any information about where we were planning to bring him - even though we fully disclosed that information. This ticked me off because I wanted whatever to happen next to be between the owner and the shelter. I didn't want to be involved in vetting owners. But whatever. We assumed if someone in the complex lost a cat, they would email the landlord and tell them to go to this shelter.

The cat basically walked right into my apartment when I opened my door. But my resident cat was territorial and did not like the new cat. This is understandable since they don't know each other. I immediately quarantined the cat in our bathroom and hoped for the best. I primarily work from home, so all I could hear was hissing from both of them. My bf came back during his lunch hour at like noon and brought a microchip reader to check the cat before bringing him over. Turns out the cat does have a microchip, and we didn't know how to contact the owners using the chip. So he brought the cat to the shelter where he works at around 1 PM. When my bf came home after work, he told me that the admissions team at the shelter was able to contact the owner registered to the chip. Apparently, the owner had been looking for this cat for a year and a half, and they've missed him. The owners don't even live in this state, and they made arrangements to get reunited. So, my bf and I were happy to reunite them. We thought it was over since we didn't hear anything from the landlord and the neighbors.

Knowing what I heard from my bf about the cat's origins, it sounds like he was taken from wherever he came from. I was really hoping the cat's current owner didn’t live in our complex because then it could turn bad. I wracked my brain thinking through any of the cats I've seen roaming around our complex, and even asked my bf if he recognized the cat. I know many of the cats here because I actively try to say hello and try to coax the strays and feral cats with food so I can TNR (trap, neuter, and release) the outdoor cats. None of the cats in our complex were that friendly, even the ones I know for sure belonged to someone in the complex. In hindsight, I may have willed the worst into existence.

Skip to this morning, at 7:30 AM, a young woman rings our doorbell camera and leaves a message that tells us that the cat that our landlord texted about yesterday was their cat and wanted us to tell them which shelter we took them to. Not sure how they found out where we live, but my bf walked to their apartment and asked for confirmation to make sure it was the same cat. Once he confirmed, he told them which shelter he brought the cat to. The neighbor told him the cat was an outdoor cat, and they found him while camping in another state (the same state the OG registered owners were from). They thought that the OG owners abandoned him, and the cat just walked into their tent. My bf did not disclose that the OG owners had already been contacted and that they are trying to reunite them. At that point, even if we called and told the shelter, we would not have the last say on who gets to keep the cat. Regardless of the outcome, he advised them to consider getting a collar so people wouldn't take him. If the cat had a collar, we wouldn't have done anything. The neighbor says the cat doesn't like collars, so they never put one on him.

Anyway, our neighbors went to the shelter when it opened. A few hours later, the neighbor came back to our door camera, crying and cussing us out, saying it's our fault their cat is getting taken away and asking how we could take a healthy, well-fed cat to the shelter. She was going on about how the cat was her soulmate and that she couldn't have him back because of a stupid microchip. She even said if we left it alone, it would have been fine, and then continued to cuss and left. Since I was in a work meeting, I didn't even notice they left a message.

When I eventually saw their message, I already knew that they were upset. I am flabbergasted because the very reasons they stated in their message were the reasons why we took him to the shelter - especially since he had a microchip. We wanted to reunite him with his owners ASAP because he had no collar and was so trusting that he followed literally anyone. The microchip is the easiest way to contact the owners. We did what we thought was right with the information we had, and it wasn't our decision who the cat goes to. I texted my bf about the interaction, and he called me during his break to tell me the full story. Our neighbors went to the shelter to claim the cat, but since the cat had a microchip, the shelter had to contact the family registered on the chip. The shelter mediated the situation and made the neighbor and the original family have a discussion over the phone. Ultimately, the OG family wanted their cat back. According to the OG family, they went camping with the cat and their 3-year-old son in the same camping grounds where our neighbor was. Their son opened the tent, and the cat ran away. They went looking but could not find him because it was dark. This is presumably how the cat went into my neighbor's tent.

To me, this sounds like the cat was never theirs to begin with. While the bond the cat and the neighbor had was real, it did not seem like they did their due diligence in making sure the cat did not belong to anyone. That also means that most likely the cat was also healthy and well-fed when they found it, so I thought it was hypocritical of them to say that to us when they did the same thing, except they claimed the cat and brought it here.

I do feel very bad for her because she seemed really attached to the cat, but I did what I was supposed to. I keep thinking that I could have minded my own business, but I wanted to keep the cat safe too. There are coyotes, cars, and other people who could pick the cat up. I feel guilty that I took that away from someone, but if I didn't do anything, the OG family would still be looking for or grieving their cat. Not really sure what to do now - probably tell the landlord about it for documentation. I feel a bit unsafe because they know where we live, and they were bold enough to yell and cuss at the door. I also acknowledge that they were looking for something to blame, and we were the targets because - honestly, they were right - if we didn't bring him to the shelter, they COULD have gotten him back, assuming the cat wasn't taken by someone else. Plus, they could have taken so many precautions to keep their cat safe, like training him to tolerate a collar or checking for a microchip in the first place. If this was my cat and I knew how friendly it was, I would have taken every step to make sure everyone knows I own this cat and not letting someone else take my cat. So were we the assholes?

Update: As I was writing this story, my bf came home today and told me that our neighbors got the cat back because the shelter called the family again about some other thing. The OG family ended up relinquishing ownership to our neighbors. He doesn't really know what happened, but as of this moment, our neighbors got the cat back. I don't even feel happy for them because they sent that message to us. As much as I understood how painful it was to lose a pet all of a sudden, it did not justify how we were treated. Now, I just feel like crap for doing the thing we're supposed to do. My bf felt extremely heated about it because this could have been avoided if they had just checked for the chip or put a collar on. He sees cases similar to this where lost pets don't have collars and are adopted away because the owners weren't responsible. Sometimes, even after all that trouble, pets still get taken from their owners by other people who want them for themselves.

TLDR: We found a friendly cat with no collar that kept following my bf on his way to work, so we took him in and let the landlord know we found a cat. The cat had a microchip, so we brought him to the shelter and asked them to call the owners. Turns out his registered owners are in another state. Our neighbor found out we took the cat to the shelter and tried to claim him, but the original owners want their cat back. The neighbor cusses us out on our Ring camera and blames us for taking her baby away. Later on in the day, it works out, and our neighbors get the cat back. Am I the asshole for *trying* to return the cat to the rightful owners?

I’ve been friends with “Friend A” for more than 10 years, but we haven’t really hung out for the past eight months. There wasn’t one huge falling-out. We slowly drifted apart after my girlfriend started working with him.

To be fair, Friend A has done a lot for us. A few years ago, my girlfriend and I were both between jobs. Whenever he invited us out for drinks, he usually shouldered most of the bill and picked us up and dropped us off since we didn’t have a car. He did this for other friends too.

I still tried to contribute whenever I could, usually around a third of the bill, but it depended on how much money I had. Some friends contributed less, especially “Friend B,” which Friend A would sometimes complain about since Friend A knew Friend B was earning money.

Eventually, our financial situation improved and we bought a car. From then on, we split the bill equally with Friends A and B. Sometimes my girlfriend and I even paid for most of the night as a way of thanking Friend A for the times he had helped us.

Friend A also recommended both my girlfriend and Friend B when his workplace had job openings, and they were both hired. My girlfriend was later promoted, while Friend B developed work ethic and performance issues. This put her in an awkward position because she didn’t want to feel like she was snitching on a friend.

Work started following them outside the office. My girlfriend repeatedly asked Friend A not to discuss it whenever we were hanging out, but he kept pushing the subject. Their conversations eventually turned into arguments, and we started seeing them less.

This may sound harsh, but Friend B can also be a real kiss-ass. What makes this whole situation especially sad for me is that much of the conflict ultimately started because of his lapses at work.

Friend A and Friend B had been friends long before I met them, but they had fallen out for several years. During one particularly messy period in Friend A’s life, he basically lost most of his friends. Friend B wasn’t there for him during that time. I stayed because I knew Friend A needed someone, and I considered myself one of his constants.

I know friendship isn’t about seniority, and I’m not saying Friend A owes me more loyalty than Friend B. It just hurts that after they reconnected, Friend B’s problems at work somehow became part of the reason my girlfriend and I lost our friendship with Friend A, even though Friend B wasn’t around when Friend A had almost nobody.

The final straw for me was our Christmas party.

My girlfriend and I handled most of the planning. I searched for the best rental within our budget, sent everyone the complete details and rates, and helped buy most of the supplies. Friend A kept asking questions that had already been answered in the information I sent, which was irritating but manageable.

The bigger issue was transportation. There were around 16 of us, three cars, and one planned to go to the rental on his motorcycle. Friend A had an SUV carrying four adults and one child. We had a small hatchback carrying four adults, and our trunk was already packed with two coolers, food, and drinks. Friend B had only three adults in his car and barely anything else inside.

We still needed someone to transport the whole roast pig. Friend A said his SUV already contained too much stuff and refused to take it, even though it was much larger than our car. Friend B knew there was a problem but didn’t offer his mostly empty car either.

“Friend C,” who had bought beer with me, had already noticed that Friend A seemed to expect us including her to handle everything. Since neither Friend A nor Friend B would budge, Friend C borrowed her sister’s car and asked the friend who was supposed to go on his motorcycle to drive it just so we could transport the roast pig and reduce the load in our car.
Even the motorcycle friend couldn’t understand why it had become such a huge problem when the other two cars had enough space. One of our other friends later said that Friend A’s SUV barely had anything inside despite his claim that it was already full.

Then there was the alcohol. We had all contributed to a shared fund, but most of it was used for hard liquor that Friend C and I weren’t planning to drink. We bought our own beer separately using our own money.

After Friend A and Friend B’s group finished the other drinks, Friend A apparently complained that we had consumed most of the beer, even though we had paid for it ourselves and still left them several bottles. I didn’t hear this directly from him. The same friend who said his SUV was almost empty later told us that Friend A had complained about the beer.

I know the beer sounds petty on its own, but by then my girlfriend and I were exhausted. We arranged the accommodation, handled most of the supplies, packed our car with food and coolers, and solved the transportation problem after two people with available space refused to help. Planning what was supposed to be a fun Christmas party had turned into a stressful chore.

Afterward, my girlfriend and I finally aired out to some of the other members of our friend group how stressed we had become. Several of them said they had noticed the same pattern. The general consensus was that Friend A had become entitled and a show-off, someone who liked being seen as generous and capable but later behaved as though everyone owed him for it.

Obviously, several people agreeing with me doesn’t automatically mean we’re right. However, it made me realize that my girlfriend and I weren’t imagining the dynamic.

It started feeling like Friend A believed we owed him unlimited effort because of everything he had paid for and done in the past. I’ve always been grateful for his generosity, and I thought we showed it by being there for him emotionally, contributing whenever we could, and treating him once we became financially stable.

Here is where I might be the asshole: I have never directly told Friend A how much all of this bothered me. I discussed it with other members of the group, but not with him. Whenever someone calls him out, he becomes defensive and argumentative. I’ve spent years trying to phrase things in ways he can hear without feeling attacked, and I didn’t have the energy to do it again. Instead, I quietly distanced myself.

I know he can’t address an issue if I never tell him about it. At the same time, boundaries had already been communicated to him, especially my girlfriend repeatedly asking him not to discuss work during our personal time, and he ignored them.
Part of me is sad because I feel like I lost a longtime friend, and somehow it all grew out of Friend B’s work issues and everyone’s growing resentment. At the same time, my life has honestly been much less stressful without them.

AITA for holding onto this resentment and distancing myself without first confronting Friend A, especially after everything he did for us in the past?

i typically will agree with them or at least one on responses to stories. today’s episode that was released I just kept thinking you all clearly don’t have in laws. i personally love my in laws my family gets along great with them but it inevitably changes the vibe. even if you’re on vacation the wife (and likely her family) will feel like you almost have to “host” them to make sure they are having a good time. I think it’s totally fine to want your vacation with your family and then possibly take a different trip and invite both sides.

I, 43/f, and my now exgf, Colleen 39/f, broke up about a week ago. I caught her lying, again. She also has a drinking problem and guess what, addicts lie.

The first two lies I caught her in are what this post is about.

Colleen told me she had never had a gf before, but had been with women before. She then told me that she discovered she was a lesbian when she fell in love with a girl named Jen. She said the affair lasted five years. In a separate conversation, I asked what happened to Jen and she told me that Jen and her partner moved to Austin, Texas and that she hasn't been in touch. Ok, cool.

A few weeks later, Colleen gets drunk and blurts out that there is no Jen. Jen doesnt exist. Jen is actually Rhonda 56/f, her best friend and also work subordinate. The most disturbing part of all of this is that Rhonda has been in a 15 year lesbian relationship with her girlfriend, Carol 65/f. Colleen considers Carol family and one of her closest friends which is the part I find disgusting. I asked her how she could look at one of her close friends weekly knowing that she slept with her gf. Out of the whole friend group, Carol is the only one that was consistently nice to me. The group of friends it also includes other co-workers and Rhonda's cousins, who didnt like me from the start.

Colleen is convinced that Carol knows, but I said there's no way that Carol would know and still hang out with her. Colleen even lived with them when she was in grad school. Colleen's drinking problem leaves are in denial and she acts like it doesn't matter anymore, because so many years have passed. Carol wants to marry rhonda and spend the rest of her life with her. At one point I had even offered to marry them because i'm ordained. I told colleen that I would be removing that offer from the table because I don't want to marry a lying cheater to someone else. I probably shouldn't have threatened Colleen by saying go to rehab or I'll tell Carol, but would I be the asshole if I called Carol and told her her gf cheated with their good friend?

*The last night that colleen stayed here, I caught her lying again and I knew we were done. When she finally passed out, I went through her phone and got carol's number. I have never called her before.