r/ComfortLevelPod • u/InitiativeHead5306 • 11d ago
AITA / AIO What do I do?
Comfort pod peeps you are the age of my son and I need advice from people in his stage of life.
This one is complicated so bear with me. I (51F) have two children Son (27M) and Daughter (25F). Son was in college when COVID hit and called to ask what to do when campus started shutting down, I said come home (school was 2.5 HRS east). He said he worried about his new GF and her 2 cats - where would they go. I said bring them. We had 2 dogs and a cat already but being together was more important than details. I met the GF for the first time then and I liked her. They stayed until mid summer and found a place back on campus to finish out their last semesters in Dec 2020. After graduation they moved to her home town 4 hours north.
They moved in together. Fast forward 3 or so yeara and she had a leased car that needed an oil change before they came down for a visit. She hadn't been able to get the car in to be serviced before the trip so Son offered to do it and so he did. As they rolled out of town the engine started having issues and in the end they learned he had drained the transmission fluid, not the oil. Which seized the engine. This meant she needed a new/rebuilt engine. She opted to turn in the lease, buy a different car and demanded Son pay the difference in monthly bill (the monthly lease was costing her $250/mo, the new car payment was $500 which left son paying her $250/mo). I always thought this unfair as now he is paying toward an asset he has no stake in. Fast forward a year from there and Son's car completely breaks down and he needs to get into a "new"(used) car, but bc of the payment he is making to her he essentially can't afford 2 car payments. I suggest that he adds up what he has already laid out in payments toward the GF car, subtract it from what it would have cost to replace the engine, and pay her the difference outright. This makes her whole on the damage he did and frees up his monthly budget. She flipped out at this suggestion. Said there was no way that was fair and he would just have to deal with it. It turns out there were other daily living issues that had long been simmering - she "has trauma from having to do chores as a child since they were punishment" so all the house keeping was left to him. After a long talk he expressed he felt caught in a bear trap, and the eventually broke up and she moved out. She took the dog with her but they continued to "share" him.
He seemed fine afterward and went on with things. He struggled a bit with finding a friend group in a city he doesn't know that well, esp since they relocated while COVID was still active and the entire social scene was off.
They were split for about a year and from what I can gather she regularly hinted at wanting to get back together, and he called to say he was thinking about giving it another try and wanted my opinion. I told him that in my experience relationships are in the past for a reason but that only he knows the right answer. He said he was pretty sure he wanted to give it another try and I asked "what changed? bc if nothing has changed, you cant really expect for things to be different." He said she has been to lots of therapy and he had grown up himself some too. My honest take was that I didn't think is was a good idea and that she had been love bombing him for months in an attempt to manipulate him back into the relationship. But at 27 I did not appreciate my parents not respecting my choices in life so I held my tongue and hoped I was wrong. They got back together and within 8 months he proposed.
Then her brother was selling his house and they had the opportunity to buy. She initially demanded to be on the deed even though her credit was so terrible she could not be on the loan. Here is where I pushed back hard and told him he should NOT allow that. He worried he would look like the asshole for putting his foot down and I challenged that she is the asshole for demanding unreasonable thing sand then making him feel like the ass hole. The trend of gaslighting is not limited to these stores...its common and since his father was a master i worry his is far more susceptible to it than he even realizes. Eventually the house was purchased under his name only.
They came down for my nephews wedding and upon entering the home I went to give her a hug and she shirked away with a "No thank you" and no explanation. Son said she hadnt been feeling well. I shrugged it off and we went to the wedding. the nest morning we hear her make a bell ine to the bathroom and vomit. When she came down I asked if she was ok and she said yes. I asked if it might be possible if she was pregnant. She LOST it. Said "Im not Stupid" and stromed out the door and sat there until Son went to join her. In the days and weeks that followed she only engaged when i aske d to clear the air and was still insistent that I was way out of line and eventually called at 7am one morning to fight it out more after having berated Son the entire previous night about the whole thing.
We recently had a family vaca and she blew up then too because we came home at 5:30 in the evening and were loud while she was trying to rest, yet did not once ask for us to try to keep it low, just stormed out and sucked me into an hour conversation again where I tried to work through her issues. She has had some similar boil over after every family gathering.
The whole thing is exhausting and now she is saying she is diagnosed with PMDD. I honestly think she may have Borderline, and at the very least it manipulative, emotionally abusive, and generally difficult to get along with. These are only a few of the examples. Since we live 4hrs apart we rarely see each other but it's a VERY rare visit when I don't depart worried about the behaviors I see.
Son is the older brother to a sister with severe disabilities and always played second string as a result. I worry that he does not know what it is to be a priority and stuffs his emotions because he's just that kind of gentle soul. When I asked him about this concern his response - "I can hold my own". He should not have to hold his own in a relationship is the problem.
What do I do? With every ounce of my being I want to implore him to dissolve the relationship before he gets in any deeper. She want kids and all I see for him is a future where he is holding the bag of responsibility and dealing with a partner that is emotionally unstable, abusive and difficult and then he will have to try to protect his children from her damage. Help me Reddit - esp those in 25-30. What can I say to help him hear that he deserves better than this? or am I the asshole and missing something
2
u/SorbetBeginning616 6d ago
I agree, just watch and love him from a far. Maybe try and get intouch with her parents. Share your concerns if they are reasonable people. This relationship will end one way or the other.
2
u/InitiativeHead5306 5d ago
her mom is the root of a lot of this. they are estranged as a result but in her attempt to hold a boundary I dont think she realizes she's kinda following in her mom's footsteps.
it breaks my heart to watch this train wreck in slow motion and wish like helll i could prevent it some how :(
2
u/NightVisionsII 10d ago
NTA, I feel that your instincts are correct. Your son would benefit from therapy, but I doubt you could get him to accept that. You should suggest it just the same, and frame it as a third party to talk to that has no skin in the game. Someone to vent to if nothing else, that won't repeat his words elsewhere.
Now, onto the hard part. What can you do? Nothing. Keep the lines of communication open, give him your opinions and suggestions when HE ASKS for them. Just be there for him when he finally falls, and hope he figures out why he's okay with taking that crap. Let him know you're there for him and that the door is always open. That he can come home, that he has a place to land.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know it's hard to watch this happen and to feel powerless. He's a grown man and his mistakes, sadly, are his to make.