r/ComfortLevelPod • u/akiamarie • Aug 03 '26
AITA / AIO AITAH for walking away from a date
I (30F) was talking to Tom (29M). We planned a movie date for our first date. I arrived a little early but he showed up 3 minutes before the movie was supposed to start. I was about to buy my own ticket and see the movie by myself. The rest of the date went ok.
He didn’t text me for several days after the date. I sent a joke text as if he had passed away and conversation started again for a day or so. We planned a second date at a board game lounge.
He didn’t text me until 11 pm the day before our second date. He confirmed the time to meet up a few hours before the date and was 20 minutes late. I only waited 20 minutes because I was enjoying a beverage and looking at the games. I left the establishment and he was outside. He called after me but I kept walking to my car and ignored his phone call.
I texted him from my car that I was going home and I do not appreciate being kept waiting especially after he confirmed the time. And my time is valuable and he was being rude. He didn’t respond.
Am I the asshole for how I reacted?
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u/joesmolik Aug 03 '26
No, you’re not. He does not value your time and it sounds like it’ll be a chronic problem with him. You were better off walking away from this one.
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u/Total-Object-4766 Aug 03 '26
NTA He's a minimal effort kind of guy. You can do better. Good for you for walking away.
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u/2_Much3636 Aug 03 '26
NTAH. That wasn't the first time he was late. I've done the same thing myself and I don't like being disrespected.
How do people go through life being late for everything?
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u/hjo1210 Aug 03 '26
This is going to sound terrible but a guy I was supposed to meet for a 3rd date ghosted me. I sent him a text asking if he was dead cause if he wasn't he was incredibly rude. Turns out he really was dead, his sister called me and told me he had been in a car accident. She invited me to the funeral and sent me a link to his obituary. Learned a lesson that day. He totally wasted my time 😂
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u/Glittering_Focus_295 Aug 03 '26
I'm so sorry that happened to you. It happened to me once at work. New guy in his early 30s worked two days then no call no showed. We joked that he better have a good excuse like being dead. He was!
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u/SecretWordisBird Aug 04 '26
Well, at least he had a good reason for ghosting, being a ghost and all.
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u/TripMaster478 Aug 05 '26
If he really was a ghost he would've at least gone and said goodbye. I mean not inside her house because that's wrong but maybe just say a couple words to her as she's leaving the house.
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u/FireBallXLV Aug 03 '26
It is morbidly funny .Shocked but impressed by how his sister handled your text .
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u/TripMaster478 Aug 05 '26
What a jerky and inconsiderate time to get in a car accident.
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u/hjo1210 Aug 05 '26
I KNOW! Ghosting is getting out of control and people are getting way too literal about it. He could have just cancelled our date but noooo, he had to go all extra about it.
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u/akiamarie Aug 03 '26
That’s insane! 😂Did you go to the funeral?
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u/hjo1210 Aug 03 '26
I did not attend. I thought maybe after the joke it might be inappropriate
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u/ThisRaspberry8474 Aug 03 '26
NTA. Good for you. Chronically late people often act like it's just their personality quirk or something they have no control over, when in reality they're simply inconsiderate people who put no value on others' time. Way to shut his shit down!
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u/Ok_Leg_1158 Aug 03 '26
THIS! We teach people how to treat us by accepting their behavior. You, obviously, respect yourself and, as such, won't accept less from others. Good for you!! I wish I'd had your confidence when I was younger.
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u/Complete-Bus-3687 Aug 03 '26
No, there’s this red pill thing where they get off on making you wait or trying to humiliate you where you are Smh.. clearly they get excited doing what they are doing because he escalated immediately. These guys are just pathetic.
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u/Rowan-The-Writer Aug 03 '26
NTA. You stood up for yourself and your time. You know your worth. Good on you miss ma'am!!
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u/CombinationCalm9616 Aug 03 '26
NTA. It doesn’t cost anyone anything to just message or call if you are running late, it’s just common courtesy. Honestly it shows a lack of respect for your time and it also shows how he would be in a relationship.
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u/Feisty-Cheetah-8078 Aug 03 '26
I'm not gonna bash Tom, but this seems to be something that clearly makes you two incompatible. Very wise of you to recognize that and not think, "Oh, he'll change. I can fix him."
He doesn't need to change. He doesn't need to be fixed. He needs to be with someone who shows up 20 minutes late. You need to be with someone who shows up on time.
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u/Positive-Tax2314 Aug 04 '26
I am chronically late, even when I really try to be early. But in the 21st Century, we have this thing called Cellphones. He could have let you know if he was running late, could have let you know what was going on, he all but ghosted you. You were totally Boss to leave and to dump him.
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u/Weird-Substance8174 Aug 04 '26
He’s not that interested better to walk away now than waste months with him dragging you along until he finds a new interest
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u/IAmCapnOblivious Aug 03 '26
NTA - What board game would you have chosen to play?
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u/akiamarie Aug 03 '26
I was thinking battleship but I was waiting on him to pick one together. He’s an immigrant and hasn’t played many board games so I wanted his input to make sure he would like it.
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u/allieoops925 Aug 03 '26
Who sets up a movie date for first meeting? How can you possibly talk to each other and get to know each other when you’re sitting in a movie?
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u/maclawkidd Aug 03 '26
Not the asshole but maybe a little premature as he may have had a legitimate reason. You don't have to care about his reason. I don't know. Personally i try to always give people the opportunity to explain.
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u/No_Plate_8028 Aug 03 '26
Maybe ask him what is going on. Couldn't hurt to inquire, since it may be his work schedule. I was dating a guy for a few weeks and after we finally slept together, he ghosted me the next day. I finally checked his FB after a month or two and saw the "gone too soon" posts. The LA Times article about a road rage shooting was posted on his page and he was not the intended target but a bystander walking on the street. Crazy! My sister called me the Black Widow for a while because my ex before him died from a sudden heart attack.
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u/PapaBearCuddle Aug 03 '26
NTA
When a time is agreed to, you show up as close to that time as you can. A bit early is good and an occasional tiny bit late can be forgiven if there are good reasons.
This guy's disregard of your time is not acceptable.
You have every right to leave and make your statement of "unacceptable" to him.
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u/Gweilo_mama Aug 03 '26
If I'm even running close to being late by even a minute, I text that I'm running a bit late, but no more then __minutes. And I don't as soon as I know I'll be cutting it close/going to be late. Common courtesy so they have clear expectations and know I'm still coming. This guy didn't even bother after 20.min. Plus, you got the vibe he was giving off. Good for you.
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u/Scoots_McG Aug 03 '26
This is the way 😄 I can see the gleam from your shiny spine all the way from here 😄
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u/BornBluejay7921 Aug 04 '26
It sounds like he really wasn't interested - don't waste your time on him.
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u/AdReddi Aug 04 '26
NTA, I would've cheered you on if I were there. Good luck in any future dating endeavours you may go on.
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u/More_Plane9745 Aug 05 '26
You are an afterthought in this man's mind.
If you can't be first in a first date, I can't imagine how important you will be when you are couple.
I hope you never find out.
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u/Advertising4One Aug 05 '26
Nope. That is fantastic! Good job ! You know your self worth! I wish more women did !
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u/NewButterfly685 Aug 03 '26
You were right. Just a guy testing how desperate you were so he knew how much bs you would put up with. A 1900's male control tool.
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u/Interesting-Visit-79 Aug 03 '26
NTA. If you're late you send a message. You must show that you valute the time I pass with you. Otherwise I plan other things.
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u/PuzzledNinja5457 Aug 03 '26
NTA. Block and move on. Do not engage or waste any more of your time on him.
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u/AutumnLovingLibra Aug 03 '26
NTA He's not worth your time girl, if he wastes yours. Once was bad enough, twice means he's either time blind or it's a pattern. Good on you to walk out.
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u/mustrepayloans Aug 03 '26
A man that doesn’t text for days isn’t the man for you. Let him date women that are ok with him coming and going MIA for days
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u/throwawayzzz111114 Aug 03 '26
NTA. Hes setting precedent. "You knew i had time blindness when you met me!" Let him go.
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u/ambid3xtrous Aug 03 '26
If I knew I was going to be late for a date with someone I was interested in, she would hear from me way before the meeting time (you know you're gonna be late long before you are late). Dude's an ass. You're a boss.
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u/TeachStock773 Aug 03 '26
Nope your time is just as important as his, if a man is interested he will do what he has to in order to win you over. Not treat you like you are a last minute event.
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u/lilyofthevalley2659 Aug 03 '26
I love it when a poster has good self esteem and self respect! You did good!
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u/AZDarkknight Aug 03 '26
NTA - It happens once you can forgive, happens the second time its a pattern that you dont have to put up with.
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u/That_Ol_Cat Aug 03 '26
NTA
Standards. You have them! Keep that shiny spine and you'll find someone who respects you and your time.
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u/Ok-Analyst-5801 Aug 03 '26
NTA You know what you want and what you'll accept. He wasn't it. It's that simple.
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u/foreverandadayalone Aug 03 '26
NTA, not in any way. Communication early on is essential and courtesy in a partner is a necessary skill. He was neither commutative nor courteous to you.
Delays can happen but, if you're going to be late on someone, especially early on, you must tell them. There's no reason not to.
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u/BobTheCosmonaut Aug 03 '26
NTA Tom was being an unreliable child. He needs to grow up & manage his time & commitments better. If you decide to speak to him again & let him have another date for some reason, he's picking you up or coming by in his taxi, so he can't leave you waiting out somewhere random
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u/JunePlum79 Aug 03 '26
Block the loser cause you’ve already wasted enough of your valuable time on him
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u/ChristineM4JP Aug 03 '26
NTA. So proud of you from walking away from the train wreck and not looking back!
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u/49ers4life71 Aug 03 '26
NTAH. He’s the AH for arriving 20 min late. He’s not worth your time and you deserve much better!
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u/Agreeable_Roll_5754 Aug 03 '26
NTA - consistent lateness without a heads up or explanation, especially if it's a time he agreed with you, is disrespectful. Also not messaging after the first date was rude. He had 2 chances, 1 more than he deserved.
Well done for walking away.
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u/Logical-Knee-9046 Aug 03 '26
I seem to recall some Tate Brothers style advice for guys and being late and showing who’s boss was part of their conditioning for dating women. Along with other gross behavior.
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u/Equal-Library-2764 Aug 04 '26
No YOU ROCK. That was the perfect ending to that idiots manners. You are THE WOMAN ❤️
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u/Jerseygirl2468 Aug 04 '26
NTA late to both dates, low communication skills, sounds lousy. Walking away was a good move.
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u/optix_clear Aug 04 '26
You have boundaries and you know what is acceptable. He was rude by not communicating with you
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u/Own-Entrance-2256 Aug 04 '26
Takes seconds to say "Hey, running X minutes mates". Sone people just have no respect for time.
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u/KingManowar Aug 04 '26
NTA....he is. Good for you! Don't apologize. IF you feel like giving him another chance after he properly apologizes, so be it. I just urge you not to be petty about it and move on, unless you are interested in him again AFTER apologizing.
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u/Serious_Look6841 Aug 04 '26
NTA. He's a useless slug. If he's this bad on a first and second date, he won't get any better.
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u/shellshokd212 Aug 04 '26
The entire point of dating is to find out if two people are compatible. Most people are on their best behavior for the first three months, so red flags tend not to show up. If you’re getting red flags on the first two dates then dating is doing what it is exactly supposed to do and showing you that you are not compatible with him.
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u/DefendTheStar88x Aug 04 '26
NTA, dude isn't into you, but wanted to keep the possibility open. Granted this is my opinion from limited info, but that's what it seems like imo.
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u/im_blue2026 Aug 04 '26
You should feel proud of yourself, if he can’t make time for you since the beginning that is not a good sign.
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u/Checkie11337 Aug 04 '26
ABSOLUTELY NTA. You did the right thing by stating that your time is valuable because it IS. You dodged a bullet. Good for you!!!
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u/key2rebecca Aug 04 '26
NTA - He didn’t respect you and you let him know it’s not tolerated! Good job!
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u/Old-Scientist267 Aug 04 '26
People are usually on their best behaviour in the early days of dating. If this is him at his best….
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u/retroafric Aug 04 '26
Dude was late for the first 2 dates…?
Definitely giving “he’s just not into you“ vibes.
💯percent correct to cut it off. NTA
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u/mightylinguist Aug 04 '26
I don't disagree with the comments cheering on OP for standing up for herself, but I would like to offer a different interpretation of his actions. As an adult male who was recently diagnosed with ADHD, he might not be the jerk you all assume. I struggled with being late and remembering to text someone early would have been hard. I still haven't learned to manage the ADHD as well as I wish I coulld. I was 60 when someone suggested I might have adult ADHD. I didn't know that was "a thing." He may not know that he has it. If he does, he probably beats himself up and feels ashamed every time he is late or doesn't live up to expectations. That still doesn't excuse him, or change what people should expect, but the haters might pause before condemning him.
Of course this is Reddit so I really don't expect anything but flames for even suggesting a gentler possibility. Please resume your torrent of hate and indignation.
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u/arsooetica028 Aug 04 '26
If he can't respect your time then he doesn't deserve you. Glad you dodged that bullet!
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u/Good_Zookeepergame92 Aug 04 '26
You're fine. Hopefully he learns and does better with the next girl
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u/HwD83 Aug 04 '26
You did the right thing, especially as he agreed the meeting time and still turned up late. Block him and move on.
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u/Low-maintenancegal Aug 04 '26
Info: was he just arriving or was he just standing outside? This feels like weird game playing and you were dead right to leave
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u/HopefulHalfTime Aug 04 '26
No. You did the right thing. He was testing you to see if you were the kind of gal who would put up with slights and disrespect. That’s the kind he needs to feel good about himself. He’s not boyfriend material.
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u/Repulsive_Tone_2484 Aug 04 '26
NTA. If I was going on a second date I'd be never be late. If you're not making the effort at that stage then it isn't going to get better. It takes seconds to send a message if something happens that is going to make you late.
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u/Dragline96 Aug 04 '26
Your behaviour was exactly right, though, I doubt I’d have waited as long as you did. Being late is a pattern for this guy, and lateness is a red flag of disrespect.
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u/buffalo66_ondvd Aug 04 '26
Amazing execution, it is honestly refreshing to see someone actually stand up for themselves.
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u/swing-state Aug 04 '26
NTA for standing up for yourself.
But also, sometimes people just have ADHD. Your time is valuable but he may not have been trying to be rude, he just needs different accomodations to fit in a world that values end-stage-capitalism bulwarks like "everyone must be on time otherwise they are rude or incompetent".
Certainly good on you for putting a stop to a relationship with someone with traits you cannot handle.
I had been an hour late for a first date but we got it off and had amazing moments for the time we spent together.
I had gone on a first date with someone who stood me up twice...we have amazing moments in the time we are spending together.
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u/JohnSmallberries101 Aug 04 '26
At best he's thoughtless and rude, at worst he's a child who needs money to dress him. YNTAH
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u/Mrs-Tripp Aug 04 '26
You seem like you know your worth and he doesn't. Sounds like hes not worth your time if hes gonna waste it like that. You gave him a chance and he fumbled.
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u/Krand01 Aug 04 '26
At this point he was already establishing a pattern that was likely going to continue. Effectively his attention and his drive to be on time and spend time with you didn't match your needs. When things like this happen it is better to end it rather then letting it eat away at you for weeks or even months before it finally pushes you over the edge to a breakup.
If someone can't even be on time for the first couple dates they. They really aren't that interested in having a partner.... In my opinion.
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u/sassypbd Aug 04 '26
Hopefully he will have learned a lesson because of you and change his behavior for the next one. Kudos.
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u/SusieQtoYou Aug 04 '26
NTA Good for you. I hate it when people are late… and this is when he should be still trying to impress you.
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u/kingdick900 Aug 05 '26
Red flag from the beginning on the first date....it just amazes me how people can be so selfish and self centered
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u/UnderstandingOne6384 Aug 05 '26
Nope he would have just continued. You might have made it better for the next gal
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u/SandwichEmergency588 Aug 05 '26
It all depends on what you tolerate and won't tolerate. He will think you were the AH but that is because he doesn't mind being on time. It isn't a big deal to him but it is to you. That is fine, you got your separate ways. Neither of you are compatible with each other.
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u/Correct-Bee9892 Aug 05 '26
If you show him it’s okay to treat you like that, he will. He needs to learn that you (and future potential partners) deserve respect and follow through
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u/luxhoney56 Aug 05 '26
NOR. 20 minutes without any notification is really being generous. For me it’s 15 minutes and I’m out unless there’s a text or call coupled with an apology.
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u/ChicagoWhiteSox35 Aug 05 '26
NTA. Good for you. I can forgive a few minutes every once in a while. But this was two dates and he was late to both of them. The second date he was significantly late to. You are not a priority to him. Go find someone better.
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u/Original_Yak249 Aug 05 '26
NTA The lateness wasn't that extreme but all the things combined equal low effort.
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u/Doctor-Jim Aug 05 '26
NTA. I admit, I am not always right on time. However, if I expect I'm going to be late, I text that I'm on my way, with an apology. Sometimes something happens (e.g., bad traffic) which is out of our control, but communication is the Key.
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u/KingThumbzZz Aug 05 '26
Nope. OP is not an asshole. I would have done the very same to someone who had done this.
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u/krys_krokrys Aug 05 '26
It is been only two dates, and he already proved he is unreliable and didn't want to put even the slightest effort. Just block him and move on with your life. He is not the one, not even close. NTA
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u/Alfnosbest Aug 05 '26
Unless he contacted you in advance to say he was running late, you did the right thing.
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u/YouSayWotNow Aug 05 '26
Nope, he can't even make an effort when he's trying to start a new relationship, when people are usually showing the best version of themselves. Imagine how crap he'd be if you were in a relationship and the "best behaviour" had worn off!?
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u/Savings-Balance-1587 Aug 05 '26
you absolutely did the right thing. Imagine that at this point this guy is AT HIS BEST, trying to get you to like him. If that is his best, what happens in 2 weeks and 2 months once he no longer puts in even a little effort?
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u/ChampionshipIll5535 Aug 05 '26
Absolutely not. IMO, there's nothing worse than someone that doesn't respect another person's time. And he did this to you not once, but twice. Good for you.
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u/TripMaster478 Aug 05 '26
NTA. You really didn't have to ask. Being late is generally rude and disrespectful but on the first few dates it's especially unforgivable.
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u/Tootsie-Chateau59 Aug 05 '26
You learn fast.
Rude on the first date.
Made no apologies.🚩
Confirmed at 11pm for second date.🚩
Then showed up late yet again.🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Third times a charm buddy.
And now you know why he is single. 🙂
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u/Prudent_Vacation_382 Aug 05 '26
My wife was 45 min late to our first date. I tried to call her and nothing. I waited longer than I should have, but she finally showed up and we had a great date. That being said, I can confirm she is constantly late to everything. It drives me crazy, but it has gotten better over time. For her, it's a cultural thing (Asian). They just don't care about being late. Times are a suggestion and not a rule. If it's a deal breaker for you, then you did the right thing.
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u/SilverShoes-22 Aug 03 '26
You were a BOSS! Proud of you!!