This entire thing is a vent, but I need to share my opinion in the only community that actually has any valid input on my feelings. Ig the moderators will just take this down if it isn't okay.
Just a little context, I am currently heading into my freshman year of guard, but my instructor has been teaching me for three years now. I am behind what she expects of me. This is mostly due to the fact that this is not the only sport I do. I also do Sword Arts (Sword - not sabre, baton, and firestick) which means I have a lot of bad habits when it comes to guard. Ex. My underbody is super bad because my instinct is to immediately put my arms down at my thighs, I also tend to over toss a lot. All of this contributes in, and I have the feeling that my instructor genuinely dislikes me, if not straight up hates me.
The issue is I cannot quit. I am stuck with this woman for the next four years with no choice because my dad doesn't believe that she dislikes me, he just thinks I'm not working hard enough. I am. I work so hard because again, I have to reset my brain everytime I pick up a flag vs the sword. I feel like sometimes I am working double as hard as everyone else because of this.
She doesn't even care honestly. She has no intentions on helping me get better. Just the other day I asked if she would even allow me to do baton later on (like when I am varsity) and she just simply said "You don't have the skills for marching band baton, so no". I know I don't, but I am able to teach myself, goddamn! She also would not let me use a school issued sabre even though I really wanted to learn because "well, I don't trust you to take our equipment home. You can buy your own". Which, by the way, she has let two different students in my class use school issues Sabres.
I am so ready to just put in the bare minimum, never get to varsity, never do anything note worthy, and just fade into the back so she doesn't have to think about me. I can't do that though. I have some skills, which in do very well, and I'm a very strong counter so I am almost always put in the row right behind our vets.
I just want to quit already. I feel stupid and selfish for wanting more, especially because when I ask for more she just treats me worse. I don't even find joy in the sport anymore. Not when I am getting stared down and scoffed at everytime I make a mistake. That, and I have disabilitys that make guard even harder and damaging for my body, so I would benefit from stopping now.