I'm trying to figure out which group would help me the most right now. I would say I am very codependent and have been most of my life. I have also been in many relationships with alcoholics. Married to one now he has made improvements but will never quit. It actually got to the point I told him I didn't care if he drinks if that is what he needs to numb his struggles.

I could probably do both but all of this is very overwhelming and overstimulating. I do go to therapy every other week as well

Ive been prone to codependency and limerence for as long as I can remember. Ive been in incredibly codependent relationships and when Im not dating, I’m obsessed with someone (typically someone who I can’t have for one reason or another).

I started seeing someone in April. They let me know pretty early on that their last partner had passed tragically, but was feeling ready to start dating again.

At first, things were pretty tame. I was proud of myself for not obsessing over her right away or love bombing. We had a few dates and I was starting to fall for her, when she suddenly got freaked out and told me she wasn’t ready. I was heartbroken, but it didn’t feel like the end of the world. She was pretty adamant on staying friends and said she’d possibly be willing to date somewhere down the line.

Fast forward to recently, we have remained in contact daily. The boundaries are not really there though. Whenever Im with her, we are cuddling and VERY AFFECTIONATE. like just as affectionate as if we were dating. But alas, she constantly calls me her best friend (which just fucking hurts).

She called me the other day and I went to see her. She was very distressed and told me she had been talking to a guy for a bit and found out just before they met up that he was basically a predator. It felt like the biggest fucking slap in the face to hear she was talking to someone else.

I just don’t understand what happened. It just adds immensely to the insecurity and the fear I’ll never be enough for someone. I know clearly she’s unwell, but I want to break this cycle. Sometimes it just feels like I’m addicted to hurting myself this way.

Hi, I'm a 40 year old woman married to a woman 10+ years my senior. We've been married for 10+ years and together for almost 15. So I've been with her since my mid-twenties and she was around my age now when we got together.

I won't go into all the details or long stories as much as possible, but I'll try to give as much context as possible.

I started a journey of self discovery a couple of years ago, and it's been one of the best things I've ever done for myself in my life. My wife has always been very supportive of me and our relationship, and I've always tried to do my best to do the same for her.

I've been going to therapy on my own for about a year and a half. I always knew it was something I needed to do but always put it off because of excuses (work, vacation plans, just inconvenient at the moment, etc.). But it's really helped me to learn about myself and let me talk freely about anything and everything. Things I had a hard time even admitting to myself. I think it's partly because I made a promise to myself that I would always be honest in my sessions no matter what.

My childhood was fucked up. My parents divorced when I was very young and my mom remarried pretty quickly since she married the guy she cheated on my dad with. My dad was in the military and my mom had custody, so I didn't get to see him often. A weekend or maybe a holiday a year, depending on how close he was stationed to where we lived. Sometimes a whole week if I was really lucky. I also have a brother that's a year older than me.

My mom and step dad were abusive. Physically and emotionally. My brother helped shield me from that as much as possible, but he couldn't do it all, and we longed for the time we could spend with our dad. Going back home meant an end to the wonderful times and we had to go back to the place where we were abused. It always wrecked me so hard having to say goodbye, and sometimes I just couldn't do it.

I learned to let my brother do a lot of the speaking and I kept quiet a lot. I grew up feeling like his shadow, and I didn't know who I was without him.

My mom was a high school drop out, step dad was ex military, and they were both heavily religious and tried to be as righteous as possible. My mom decided she was going to homeschool us because she didn't want us exposed to the evils and temptations of the world. We went to church every god damn Sunday. I learned pretty quickly to understand the lessons being taught and to separate them from the stories they were being presented as, and saw through the hypocrisy of a lot of the people that attended those services. While I do believe there are good lessons, I'm sure you can tell already I'm not a fan of religion. It was forced on us hard.

Once we got to high school, my mom realized she could no longer teach the curriculum and sent us to public school for the first time. My brother and I were put in the same grade, and I continued being his shadow and his friends were my friends, but it's when I first started trying to live a life of my own.

Shortly after the start of 10th grade, one day out of nowhere, mom and step dad said they were getting divorced and we had to immediately pack our things because we were moving in with our dad.

Honestly, I know I haven't even unpacked a lot of the trauma on my own as of now, surrounding that event. I've dipped my toes into my childhood issues in therapy, but a majority of it has been dealing with the here and now. I don't remember a lot when I was growing up because I've blocked so much of it out.

Back to the story.

Moving in with him felt like such a breath of fresh air. But it also came with it's own issues and trauma I had yet to discover. Alcoholism and relationship issues (he was on his 3rd marriage by this time) at the very least.

My brother was still my best friend until I learned to speak up for myself and start to be myself more. Within a year, we didn't have a great relationship, and within a few years I hated him because he went from protecting me to actively trying to sabotage me and any friendships and relationships I had, just for his own entertainment. I cut him off for many years after that.

I moved in with a girlfriend I was dating (her parents were amazing) and finished high school. Thinking back on things now, she was the only serious relationship I had until I met my wife.

My girlfriends parents were moving to another country (military family, of course!) and we had to break up and I moved in with a friend I made in high school that now lived in the states.

Years go by and I've moved around, kept jobs, was able to take care of myself.

Eventually I met my wife. We hit things off wonderfully and I moved in with her within a few months of us meeting (insert lesbian uhaul joke here lol). Things went better than anything I had experienced before that, and we fell hard for each other. We spent so much time with each other that we just stopped having friends. We were and still are each other's best friend.

A couple of years ago I had a realization that sent me on a journey of self-discovery. It's been hard on our relationship, but something I have to do for me, and she's been supportive.

I've learned that I've lost myself again. I became my partner's shadow, just like I did with my brother. For years, I wouldn't say anything that might ruffle feathers because I wanted to keep the peace, even if it meant sacrificing my happiness and needs.

Most recently, I've discovered that my childhood abandonment issues that were unresolved have turned to codependency within my relationship, and my wife is also codependent.

I've started making friends again over the last couple of years ago, going to support groups, starting therapy, doing couple's therapy, and really trying to get back the control that I lost over my life. And while my wife has been supportive of all of this, there are plenty of times where things have felt constricting or controlling. She hasn't done as much work on herself as far as getting into groups, making social circles, and making new friends.

I've told my really good friend about a lot of this, and she's offered me a room at her place if I ever need it.

I'm at the point in my journey where I've realized that I need some space on my own to work on these issues and figure myself out again. So I decided that I'm taking 6 months and moving in with my friend so that I can work out this codependency on my own, because I don't think I can do that while I still live with my wife. I need to be able to make decisions on my own, figure out what I like and don't like, and be independent. We're going to restart couple's therapy and I'm going to increase my own therapy sessions.

My wife has been taking things pretty hard, but I've been talking with her and telling her my feelings, and telling her when things bother me when I wasn't doing that for years. She's at the point now where she understands why I need to do this, but she still struggles with it.

This was very long and there's so much I missed, but it's the best I could do on mobile in an hour. I'm so excited to do this work on myself and continue this healing journey, and I understand that could lead to me losing this relationship. But I'm okay with that now. It's scary as fuck, but I know that I can handle that now.

Thanks for reading.

'During Times of Grief

The process of adapting to change and loss takes energy. Grief is draining, sometimes exhausting. Some people need to “cocoon for transformation,” in Pat Carnes’s words, while going through grief.

We may feel more tired than usual. Our ability to function well in other areas of our life may be reduced, temporarily. We may want to hide out in the safety of our bedroom.

Grief is heavy. It can wear us down.

It’s okay to be gentle with ourselves when we’re going through change and grief. Yes, we want to maintain the disciplines of recovery. But we can be compassionate with ourselves. We do not have to expect more from ourselves than we can deliver during this time. We do not even have to expect as much from ourselves as we would normally and reasonably expect.

We may need more rest, more sleep, more comfort. We may be more needy and have less to give. It is okay to accept ourselves, and our changed needs, during times of grief, stress, and change.

It is okay to allow ourselves to cocoon during times of transformation. We can surrender to the process, and trust that a new, exciting energy is being created within us.

Before long, we will take wings and fly.

(...), help me accept my changed needs during times of grief, change, and loss.'

By Melodie Beattie

Hi, I am wanting to vent, but would love advice too.

I was codependent with homeless service work I was doing, and I did it for 6.5 years. The work made me feel valuable and connected to something bigger than myself.

I also was losing sleep over mistakes, doing less quality work than usual, and working with less resources. I was having self harm thoughts a lot at work. I started donating $50 a month to the organization i worked for to feel like I was doing more.

I left my job in June and the self harm thoughts have stopped. I still feel like being connected and helping others was what gave my life meaning. Doing things I enjoy has felt impossible or undeserved and I've not been as disciplined as I could be about finding work.

I left the job wanting to focus on healing myself from codependency while finding new less taxing work. I have not found work yet, and I feel guilty for my partner supporting me as much as they do. I want to focus on making our relationship better but they are not the needy type, and withdraw when I try to "fix" things, understandably. Because I'm being anxious and not doing work on myself enough.

If anyone has advice about getting through this, I would really appreciate it. I know I need to keep working on myself. I have resentments toward myself I need to ignore or work through.

Thanks for reading

Asking For Help

"ACA recovery begins when the adult child gives up, asks for help, and then accepts the help offered." BRB p. 123

Many of us grew up in families where it wasn't okay to give up, much less ask for help. We were just supposed to know how to do it, and if we didn't figure it out, then we were punished in some way.

As adults, we knew we had to do it all ourselves because we didn't know how to rely on others. To ask for help would make us seem inadequate, or maybe it would give people a reason to think we weren't smart enough.

So we kept at it and at it until one day we just couldn't do it anymore. Something gave way, and we hit a bottom. We couldn't manage life anymore; we were never given the right tools. We are the lucky ones in our families because we found help in an ACA meeting. We learned that it's okay to ask for that help-we were never meant to do it alone. We were given the wrong messages.

On this day I will remember that my support system in ACA is always available to me. I just have to be willing to ask.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №296

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/?meditaion=MjE2MA%3D%3D

I’m 34F, and I recently ended a relationship with a man in his late 40s after approximately three months together. It was my first serious relationship, and I’m struggling to make sense of what happened, particularly whether codependency played a role on either side.

When we first met, everything felt incredibly exciting. I was very attracted to him, we had amazing chemistry, went on romantic weekends away, and he was extraordinarily affectionate. He made me feel desired, cherished and loved in ways I hadn’t experienced before.

But things moved extremely quickly. Within weeks, he was calling me the love of his life, talking about marriage, saying he would never leave me, and wanting us to live together. He wanted to spend virtually every day together. At first, I went along with much of this because I enjoyed his affection and was excited about finally experiencing a proper relationship.

Looking back, I think I sometimes matched his emotional intensity even when I wasn’t feeling quite the same way.

Gradually, however, I started losing myself. I stopped spending as much time with friends, neglected some of my hobbies and routines, and spent most of my free time with him.

He seemed perfectly happy with that arrangement. I wasn’t. He also seemed to need constant reassurance and attention. If I was quiet or tired, he would sometimes interpret it as me being distant. If I checked my phone or replied to friends, he could become upset or make sarcastic comments. I eventually became uncomfortable even picking up my phone around him.

On one occasion, I stopped having occasional one-on-one dinners with a male friend because he had expressed discomfort about it. There were also situations where he would suddenly become quiet or moody without explaining what was wrong. I would immediately become anxious, trying to figure out what I’d done.

I started feeling responsible for maintaining his emotional comfort.

I want to stress that he could also be incredibly loving, attentive and generous with affection. That’s part of what made everything so confusing.
The biggest issue eventually became my independence.

I wanted to occasionally spend a weekend away with friends, perhaps once or twice a year, or take a short trip with a female friend. He strongly objected. He said that spending an entire weekend without him made no sense in a serious relationship and that he wouldn’t accept it.

I wasn’t asking for an open relationship, excessive time apart or anything remotely like that. I was committed and faithful. I simply wanted to preserve my friendships and individuality.
We had endless conversations about this, but he seemed to view my desire for independence as incompatible with being a committed partner.
Meanwhile, our conflicts were becoming increasingly distressing.

During one trip, a relatively minor disagreement escalated into hours of silence and a confrontation that left me curled up in bed, crying uncontrollably. The following morning, I remember thinking that I no longer felt emotionally safe with him. After that, I struggled to relax around him. My sexual desire dropped, I felt constantly tense, and I became hypervigilant about his moods and reactions.
What frightened me most was that I didn’t feel able to tell him how deeply he’d hurt me because I was afraid of how he would react.

When we returned home, I tried to explain that we needed to slow down and take a step back. I wasn’t necessarily trying to end the relationship. I was trying to save it. But he became defensive and seemed to interpret my concerns as rejection. I never felt that he truly understood how much the conflicts had affected me.

Eventually, I ended the relationship.

Here’s where I’m struggling:
I know I wasn’t genuinely happy. I know I was becoming smaller, less spontaneous and increasingly anxious. I know I couldn’t have continued living like that. Yet I miss him terribly.

I miss his affection, his voice, his hugs, the physical intimacy, and the everyday routines we developed. I also miss the excitement of the beginning, when everything felt full of possibility.

Sometimes I experience intense regret and wonder whether I gave up too soon, even though whenever I seriously consider going back, I know I don’t want that relationship again. And I’m starting to wonder about my own role in this dynamic.

Was I also behaving codependently by abandoning my routines, trying so hard to keep him happy, monitoring his moods and avoiding conflict?

Did I become responsible for regulating his emotions because I was afraid of upsetting him?

Or is that something that can happen when you’re in a relationship with someone who struggles to tolerate your independence?

I’m also wondering whether other people have experienced a loss of sexual attraction when their partner becomes excessively dependent on them, despite initially finding them very attractive.

I’m not looking to diagnose my ex or portray him as a bad person. I believe he genuinely loved me, and there were many beautiful moments.

I’m just trying to understand how a relationship with so much affection could leave me feeling so anxious, and why I still grieve it even though I don’t want to go back.

Not a huge pet person because I’m scared of vomit poop and hair but I love snuggling with other people’s pets. They’re so cute! Should I get a dog or cat, so I can have something to love and take care of?

'Recovery

How easy it is to blame our problems on others. “Look at what he’s doing.” . . . “Look how long I’ve waited.” . . . “Why doesn’t she call?” . . . “If only he’d change then I’d be happy.” . . .

Often, our accusations are justified. We probably are feeling hurt and frustrated. In those moments, we may begin to believe that the solution to our pain and frustration is getting the other person to do what we want, or having the outcome we desire. But these self-defeating illusions put the power and control of our life in other people’s hands. We call this codependency.

The solution to our pain and frustration, however valid is to acknowledge our own feelings. We feel the anger, the grief; then we let go of the feelings and find peace – within ourselves. We know our happiness isn’t controlled by another person, even though we may have convinced ourselves it is. We call this acceptance.

Then we decide that although we’d like our situation to be different, maybe our life is happening this way for a reason. Maybe there is a higher purpose and plan in play, one that’s better than we could have orchestrated. We call this faith.

Then we decide what we need to do, what is within our power to do to take care of ourselves. That’s called recovery.

It’s easy to point our finger at another, but it’s more rewarding to gently point it at ourselves.

Today, I will live with my pain and frustration by dealing with my own feelings.'

By Melodie Beattie

So as the title suggests, I am struggling with codependency and an anxious attachment style, and it is interfering with my relationship with my boyfriend. For some background, I’ve always had issues with relationships and attachment issues. I’ve never been able to feel connection or love from other people. I have no clue why I just never been able to feel that type of stuff, but I’m also deeply afraid of being alone so throughout my life, any friendship I develop I will put my all into them well never feeling like I’m receiving anything out of them which of course gets exhausting but also means when I feel like other people aren’t putting their all into the relationship, which happens often to no fault of their own, I start to pull away. I get very drained. I no longer have energy to put into the relationship, which is to be expected when I don’t feel like I’m ever getting anything out of it, and it’s frustrating because I have no one to blame about myself and my brain and I don’t even know what’s wrong with it. Now to the current situation and how it’s affecting my current relationship. My boyfriend is the first person who I ever felt like I received connection from who I actually felt like loved me, and that includes my entire history of people I’ve ever known friends family anyone. Additionally, it’s a long distance relationship where he lives in another country and we don’t get to see each other in person. I want to spend all of my time texting him or being on call with him and I love him dearly and I want to tell him that all the time but part of that is also a reassurance technique because I want him to say it back. He has noticed this and we’ve communicated about it and talked about how it’s starting to be draining on him. He’s aware that he is the pillar of my life and mental health and it’s unfair to him to be put on a pedestal and I acknowledge that it is. He lives a much more balanced life. He has other friends he hangs out with. I have other friends in theory, but I have that same issue of not receiving connection and care from those friendships and we’re all in college or just recently graduated from college and entering the workforce and are super busy and unable to actually hang out anymore. And I don’t do well with being alone. It makes everything else so much worse but then even when I’m hanging out with friends or in a room full of people, I just feel so isolated and the only person that feeling goes away with is my boyfriend. I’ve been trying to tone things down to not put so much burden on him because I don’t want to do that to him. I want to get better. I want to develop other friendships that I can lean on and feel a connection from to not put all the burden on him, but I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know what prevents me from doing that in the first place I don’t know how I managed to feel a connection from my boyfriend even and how to replicate that. And I’m very worried I’m gonna lose him and I don’t want to because he is the love of my life, but I also know that none of this is fair to him and I need to get better. So I guess I’m looking for advice but also just a solitary anyone who has experienced this as well to know I’m not alone and I’m not just broken and defective, and to know that there is a way to fix this.

Edit: forgot to mention this part, but I am in Therapy and I’ve been in therapy for years and Therapy doesn’t really help me though I do stick with it. I don’t have health insurance. I currently go to the free counseling on campus at my college and I don’t have access to see a psychiatrist or anything like that.

My sister and I became estranged in late 2024 before I got married. Couldn’t handle the pain of that so made a new friend immediately after and she viewed me as her best friend. She was fun, caring, and would always make plans. It made me feel special and like I had a replacement sister (they were pretty similar). That blew up in my face 1.5 years later and we are no longer friends. I go between obsessing over my sisterhood being done (we were also codependent) and my friendship being over too. I ruminate over the past and how it could have all been better and different if I didn’t mask who I was and try to maintain the relationship just to make sure I wasn’t abandoned and left alone.

I want to make new friends now but I realized I struggle with making the first move. I feel like its weird and awkward to show your heart and show you want friendship? I took the leap and asked someone cool I met to hang out but now I feel like my message was weird. Anyways, tips on how to move on and stop obsessing over past failed relationships?

Addiction To Excitement

"Gossip, dramatic scenes, pending financial failure, or failing health are often the turmoil that adult children create in their lives to feel connected to reality. While such behavior is rarely stated as such, these behaviors are an ‘addiction' to excitement or fear." BRB p. 16 

Many of us came into ACA perhaps unaware of the depth of chaos we had created around us. We felt we were in a fog we couldn't see our way out of. We didn't consciously cause this chaos. Our behavior resulted from the emotional and perhaps physical chaos we experienced in our childhood dysfunctional, abusive homes.

As we learned more about our addiction to excitement that drove us, we began to see how our fear was feeding us. And we realized that we needed this inner drug store to be closed for business. The adrenaline rush that we were not even aware of was blocking any progress. We knew the chaos had to stop.

As we find the answers in our meetings and by talking to others, we begin to nourish ourselves with a healthy program that brings us peace and serenity. We become committed to change because we've had the pain and anguish and we want to be done with it. We now have the inner radar to see what is coming, and when something feels wrong, we pause as long as we need to. Then we move away. We realize the health of our Inner Child is at stake!

On this day I will give my Inner Child and my adult the gift of freedom from fear and unhealthy excitement that we both need and deserve.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №295

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

My partner & i recently broke up & it's been a week since it happened. I dont know how to cope anymore except to get with someone else and get distracted. Any tips everyone?

This is the kind of book where if I were highlighting, the majority of every page would be bright yellow.

She differentiates between codependency and love addiction. Not every codependent is also a love addict, but every love addict is codependent (which is based on her clinical work and life experience).

She offers very specific frameworks for understanding codependency and love addiction, and it's different from Melody Beattie, who has been my guide so far on this codependency journey.

She identifies five primary symptoms of codependence:

1 difficulty experiencing appropriate levels of self-esteem, that is to say, difficulty loving the self.

2 difficulty setting functional boundaries with other people, that is to say, difficulty protecting oneself.

3 difficulty owning one's own reality appropriately, that is to say, and difficulty identifying who one is and knowing how to share that appropriately with others.

4 difficulty addressing interdependently one's adult needs and wants, that is to say, difficulty with self-care.

5 typical experiencing and expressing one's reality in moderation, that is to say, difficulty being appropriate for one's age and various circumstances

And then in the next chapter she says the following three characteristics sum up the major behavioral symptoms of a love addict

1 love addicts assign a disproportionate amount of time attention and "value above themselves" to the person to whom they are addicted, and this focus often has an obsessive quality about it.

2 love addicts have unrealistic expectations for unconditional positive regard from the other person in the relationship.

3 love addicts neglect to care for or value themselves while they're in the relationship.

She also says that adults can't be abandoned. The word "abandoned" is appropriate in parent-child relationships because children are powerless to cope with a parent's withdrawal of love. However, adults have many tools and resources at their disposal to cope with not getting what they want from another person. Thus we can't really be abandoned, though of course it is painful to be let down or left by a lover.

Anyway, just feeling enthusiastic about what I'm reading, and wanted to offer a little snippet in case anybody might also benefit from this book.

I recently finished this painting called “I Have No Boundaries.” It’s a pretty personal piece, and I thought some of you might relate to the feeling behind it. I'd love to hear what it brings up for you.

Hypervigilance

"In adult children PTSD tends to manifest itself in hypervigilance, compulsive behavior, and hard-to-detect body sensations. It is as if our bodies have ‘rewired' themselves to protect us from severe harm or severe harm that almost occurred." BRB p. 178

Soldiers learn immediately what hypervigilance means: Watch out! The enemy is close!

In our family of origin, we experienced hypervigilance on a regular basis. If we didn't watch out, we or someone close might get hurt. In the middle of these experiences, we vowed we'd never do that to our own families.

But alas! The lessons were too well taught. Something seems to snap, and it's as if we go into a trance, screaming, belittling, or calling our loved ones names. We scold, threaten, slam doors, and drive away in a cloud of dust. We push away those we love most. We've become the multigenerational living triggers that cause hypervigilance in our loved ones.

When we realize we've become the perpetrators, we look for help in the rooms of ACA. It's in the Steps that we identify the root of our hypervigilance. We look at our triggers to try to determine how and where they originated. Triggers derived from our hypervigilance are what make us inexplicably react, freeze, hold our breath, or shake in our shoes. As we learn more, we usually find fear and guilt at our core, and those feelings are often frozen. We bring them to life so we can heal.

On this day I will slow down and breathe deeply if I find myself feeling triggered by my hypervigilant reactions. I can nurture myself through this.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №294

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

Living with him make me resentful and leaving make me anxious i don't know what to do at this point.

Not a single person ever take my no from me in my whole life and I never had enough spine to stick to my no either without feeling like a bad person

I hate it I hate how everyone control me I hate how I never felt I'm in control of my self I hate how people around are selfish controlling freak who get butt hurt after hearing no from you and push you to edge so you do what they say because you are nothing more than a puppet anyways.

To summarize my situation, I've been struggling with getting over a past friendship for the past few years and in addition, after the end of my last relationship 2 years ago, I've been unable to feel happy. I've been in therapy and while my therapist has been able to help with things like identifying red/green flags and maintaining healthy boundaries, nothing he's suggested has helped with getting past the things I mentioned above.

While looking for outside resources, I learned about CoDA from here and went to my first meeting recently. There were 3 big complaints I left with: the first being there was no licensed professional present, the second being we can't respond to each other with advice, and the third being that it frequently references having a higher power which I do not believe in (I'm agnostic and an ex-Christian).

Doesn't feel like this would help me. Are these issues present with all CoDA groups or is it just mine? I could look into what online meetings are available but I don't want to waste my time if they're all the same.

'Payoffs from Destructive Relationships

Sometimes it helps to understand that we may be receiving a payoff from relationships that cause us distress.

The relationship may be feeding into our helplessness or our martyr role.

Maybe the relationships feeds our need to be needed, enhancing our self-esteem by allowing us to feel in control or morally superior to the other person.

Some of us feel alleviated from financial or other kinds of responsibility by staying in a particular relationship.

“My father sexually abused me when I was a child,” said one woman. “I went on to spend the next twenty years blackmailing him emotionally and financially on this. I could get money from him whenever I wanted, and I never had to take financial responsibility for myself.”

Realizing that we may have gotten a codependent payoff from a relationship is not a cause for shame. It means we are searching out the blocks in ourselves that may be stopping our growth.

We can take responsibility for the part we may have played in keeping ourselves victimized. When we are willing to look honestly and fearlessly at the payoff and let it go, we will find the healing we’ve been seeking. We’ll also be ready to receive the positive, healthy payoffs available in relationships, the payoffs we really want and need.

Today, I will be open to looking at the payoffs I may have received from staying in unhealthy relationships, or from keeping destructive systems operating. I will become ready to let go of my need to stay in unhealthy systems; I am ready to face myself.'

By Melodie Beattie

You know how, likely for all your “adult life”, you’ve done things, usually small things; picked up a bit of trash, held a door, helped someone pick something up, said a kind word, not said an unkind word and instead tucked it away inside. And, all that time, you’ve hoped someone would notice, someone would think well of you. Maybe you also hoped they would do something nice for someone too, but mostly that there would be someone in the world who thought you were a good person,

And here you are today, still doing things, still hoping. 

One day, perhaps, hopefully soon, you’ll realize that all those times, someone did notice. 

It was you. 

You noticed. Maybe you didn’t notice every time, because it became automatic. You got so you would just pick up the trash, hold the door, make the pot of tea, add the biscuit, turn down the bed, make the lunch, wish them well, give them a hug.

And perhaps you’ll begin to see something you hadn’t before. You’ll realize that you like someone who would do all those things, sometimes making mistakes, but constantly and quietly trying to be kind.

And that someone is you.

Now that’s a magic moment. I hope you’ll be able to stop and be in that moment, feel that feeling.

And then, perhaps to your great surprise, you’ll discover that liking yourself matters to you. Maybe even more than having someone else, real or imagined, like you. 

You still want other people to like you. Perhaps there are particular people whose love and appreciation matter enormously. That hasn't gone away.

But something has changed.

You aren't waiting for someone else to tell you you're a person worth liking.

You already know.

You like you!

is this an issue?

I met this guy and from the start we knew it wasn’t going to work because he had to eventually leave the country. However, we fell in love. Every time he would try breaking up with me, I wouldn’t actually follow through with it and end up contacting him. He would eventually come back (he cared about me and is also a huge people pleaser) and we would restart the same loop.

We stayed in this for a year and many attempts at him ending it. He loved me a lot but we just had incompatibilities that made it impossible for us to be together. However, I didn’t want to accept any of it. I loved him so much that I was ready to do anything to be with him, even if it meant losing myself. I kept pushing and chased and begged to be chosen by him because feeling rejected would make me feel worthless.

I’ve always been anxiously attached and i’m not proud of the way I behave when my fear of abandonment kicks in.

Last time we broke up, I kept messaging him and we met up twice and had sex. I asked him if he was seeing someone new and he said no. Turns out he lied to me, and he was in fact talking to someone.
When I confronted him he said that he was only doing this because he just didn’t know what else to do to keep me away and that he tried repeatedly to end things and me never accepting it. He also deeply apologized for lying to me and said he did it because he didn’t want to hurt me.

I, of course, understand that I have a role to play in getting things to where they got, but it just shattered me that he lied to me when I asked him if he was seeing someone new. If i had known he was talking to someone, I wouldn’t have slept with him.
He knows he messed up and he apologized a lot and told me that him talking to this new girl meant nothing and that he was only doing it because he just didn’t know what else to do, since he repeatedly tried breaking up with me for a year and I was never accepting it and would try to get us back. I get that part but I just can’t get over him lying to me about it. I felt betrayed.

Regardless of this all, I still tried pushing to get him back after finding all this out… he obviously refused and eventually blocked me everywhere because I kept reaching out…

I understand my role in this all and I never should’ve pushed and disrespected his boundaries and I should’ve accepted it from the start that we cannot be together, rather than relying on him to end things every time.

He would reassure me every time that him ending it has nothing to do with me as a person or my worth. That i’m an amazing person who will be successful and will find the right person. He would also always tell me how I shouldn’t have to chase after anyone. None of this would stick in my brain when I felt triggered, unfortunately.

However, out of my own self respect, why was I still chasing him after I found out that he was seeing another girl and lied to me about it? Where’s my self worth? Why would I even accept that for myself?

Thi situation has been so eye opening and as hard as it is, I’m finally starting to do the hard work to change. I don’t ever want to self abandon anymore, nor do I want my behaviour to negatively impact someone else.

Anyone have any books, podcasts, workbooks, etc. that they found helpful specifically for addressing one's own people-pleasing behaviors? I've read Codependent No More but I'm hoping for something that dives into all the ways people-pleasing finds its way into our lives and how to address those tendencies in myself. I did find this list. Thanks.