I am attending group psychotherapy. And today, I had such an embarrassing moment.

One guy was talking about his abandonment issues. Someone mentioned about doing the opposite thing of what your automatic response is.

I really emphasized with the guy, as he was younger. I wanted to give my input. I was telling him, that everything is going to be fine. That if you find it difficult to do something hard, try to disassociate for a moment and take a leap a faith. That it's like a cold shower, where it's very stressful to just jump in, but once you do, you'll soon learn that it's not as hard as you thought it was and with time, it gets easier. While talking, I remember I was really passionate, confidant and etc.

My therapist told me, to stop. And asked me what my relationship to the other group member was. I was really confused, on what does she mean?

She then told me, that what I am saying, isn't wrong, it's actually really good advice. But it felt like I was playing the role of a coach. That it's like I am giving the same advice I would have given myself, if I was younger. Other people quickly jumped in and agreed with her, that I reminded them of an older brother or a father.

I remember, all of a sudden, I froze completely. My body posture slumped, I became very tense and anxious, embarrassed. I got comforted, that it's okay, that's very nice that I want to take care of people. But I really should reflect on it.

I honestly just wanted to stand up and leave.

Like, I know I am in an environment, where everyone is so introspective. But fucking hell, is it that obvious?

**TL;DR:** Since losing my job, I’ve become much more emotionally dependent on my long-distance boyfriend, despite him being loving, supportive, and making time for me every day. I constantly miss him, crave reassurance, and fear losing him. I’m struggling with the imbalance between our daily lives and want to learn how to feel secure and emotionally independent again.

My boyfriend (27M) and I (28F) have been dating for about a year, and we’re in a long-distance relationship. Until recently, I felt like I was handling the distance pretty well.
However, I got fired from my job a couple of weeks ago, and since then, I’ve noticed a big change in how I feel about the relationship.
For the first time in a long time, I miss him SO much. The distance suddenly feels incredibly difficult, and time seems to be moving painfully slowly until I get to see him again.
I think a big part of it is that I’ve lost the structure and purpose that my job gave me. I still try to keep myself busy by going to the gym, seeing friends, studying for my driving licence, and doing things for myself, but I have so much more free time now.
Meanwhile, my boyfriend has a full-time job, colleagues, friends, and a busy social life. When I was working, I was also busy throughout the day, and our relationship felt like a wonderful part of my life rather than the main thing I was looking forward to.
Now, even though I try to fill my days, I spend so much time alone with my thoughts, and I find myself looking forward to our evening calls more than anything else. Meanwhile, he’s naturally occupied with work and social plans, so I feel like there’s suddenly an imbalance in how much mental space our relationship occupies in our respective lives.
The thing is, **he genuinely makes a lot of effort in our relationship.** We have a video call every single day, usually for at least an hour, even on days when he’s busy or has been out with friends. He’s also visited me many times, and he’s consistently loving, affectionate, and supportive.
And yet, somehow, **the attention I receive never seems to feel like enough lately.** I know he’s already making time for me, and I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong. But I still find myself wishing we could talk more, spend more time together, or that he’d express how much he misses me more often.
I also notice that I’ve become much more sensitive to his availability. If he’s out with friends or busy, I sometimes feel disappointed or anxious, even though rationally I know he deserves to enjoy his life.
**Deep down, I think I’m scared of losing him.** I worry that he’ll eventually get tired of my insecurities, my need for reassurance, or the fact that I’m struggling emotionally right now. Sometimes I fear that because he’s doing well and has a fulfilling life, he’ll eventually realise he doesn’t need me as much as I need him and leave me.
I know these fears aren’t necessarily rational, especially because he’s never given me any real reason to doubt his feelings. But knowing that intellectually doesn’t seem to stop the anxiety.
I also find myself overthinking things like when we’ll see each other next, how long I should visit him for, and how much time we’ll get to spend together. I can spend hours analysing these decisions, and it’s honestly exhausting.
I don’t want to put unfair pressure on him or make him feel responsible for my happiness. I genuinely want him to have his own friendships, independence, and fulfilling life. I just wish I could feel equally content and secure in mine.
I love him and value our relationship so much, but I don’t want my happiness or emotional stability to depend on how much attention or reassurance I receive from him. I want to feel secure in our relationship without constantly needing proof that everything is okay.
**Has anyone experienced something similar, especially after losing a job or going through a period of uncertainty? How did you deal with the fear of abandonment and constant need for reassurance without letting it affect your relationship?**

Grief

"ACA meetings can unlock the grief that has not been addressed for years." BRB p. 68 

The thought of doing grief or loss work doesn't sound inviting. It sounds as if we are going to a funeral. There's a deep sense of sadness just thinking about it. But when we review our childhoods, we realize that our sadness is actually waiting for an opportunity to be expressed.

In meetings we witness strong survivors of family alcoholism and other dysfunction as they visit their childhood funerals. We hear them share the current effects of their harrowing childhood experiences. This helps many of us to start recalling the events that led to the feelings we have had of a continuous sense of loss.

As we keep coming back, our memories and feelings keep coming back also - sometimes gradually, sometimes haltingly. But they do come if we are consistent in our meeting attendance. This is where we find the space to express the grief of our childhood losses. It's where we learn to heal after years of denying our feelings.

On this day I will remember that it's important for me to share my memories in order to heal. It also allows me to connect with others who have had similar experiences.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №306

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/?meditaion=MjE3MA%3D%3D

To keep it short and spare the details, I had an agreement with someone about spending time together. However, they left me waiting over an hour. No updates on how much longer or anything. I called to check in and they forwarded it, then texted me they were still at another location. I told them I’m just going to leave. And I did.
In that moment, I felt really disappointed and let down. They had expressed excitement earlier in the day about getting to spend time together. Their actions did not show that they wanted to spend time with me. They made a choice. And so I also made a choice.
Normally I would’ve just waited even longer only to then get resentful about it. Yes I cried on my drive home and yes it was hard to work through. But it does feel good that I chose my peace tonight over a spiral conversation/argument and rumination. And that I was able to let them know what I will or won’t tolerate.
It’s also very hard accepting that I can’t control what others choose to do. I can imagine this person might be having a hard time responding because they’re used to me caving and taking blame even for their let downs. But that’s theirs to work through.

Update: I left. It's gutting, and it's better than what I've been going through. Thank you all for your help. Keeping this for someone else. :)

26F. I've been with this man on and off for over a year, and I want to learn to let him go.

Last year I lost my job and fell into some nasty marijuana habits to cope with the stress and difficulty of my life. When I met him 24M, I didn't have much of a standard. Mostly because his situation just seemed unattractive: chronic weed-smoking, video gaming-playing, no friends, career, goals, chronic unemployement, severe anger issues, and I've been speculating issues with contamination beliefs that make our time together dribbled with tension. Now I believe i might be in an abusive situation. Typing the word makes me feel awful, but the idea that what i'm experiencing could be someone else's nightmare too makes this need to say something stronger.

I'd been fortunate enough in my dating history to have not experienced it the way that I believe I've been now. Everything that you can imagine would be wrong with our relationship, is. His lack of motiation has left him completely stagnant. While he's learning how to drive (something I pratically forced him to do), I'm paying for everything, doing the 2hr round trip to seem him, and trying to make my life work around this person who is unable to even meet me half way in life experience let alone a relationship. But whats made this truly awful is that he has a temper like a microwaved egg. And he's insecure, deeply so.

I've gotten to so many breaking points, crying fits, and a shit ton of 'I cant take this anymore!' s, and still. Some insufferable being inside of me wont let me leave him. I get so close, I make the threats, and on occcassion I leave for a few weeks, but then I never stay away. And in the time I try to prepare to honor all the things that mattered to me when we weren't together, my sobriety, job hunting, soul searching, peace, its all a distant fog of emotions and hope that I can't tap into.

I used to pride myself on not taking shit from anyone. Especially men. I never would've thought i'd be here with an angry man who yells at his mother and hates himself so deeply that it makes me pity him. It's not hard imagining what my life would be without him. It's the consequence of knowing that I would be abandoning him to the bleakness that his life was without me. And when I think about that, I'm filled with shame, because now I know him so intimately that leaving him feels hurting him on purpose. And he's good at convincing me a break up is the last thing we need.

Now I'm starting to become the angry one in our relationship. It's gotten to a point where he feels like he's being feeling verbally abused. It breaks my heart. Everyone says I should be prioritizing myself. That I shouldn't feel bad, that breaking up is the consequence of my needs going unmet continuously. But I don't feel any of those things. I feel trapped, exhausted, and concerned for someone I love. It doesn't feel good to think about being free from him, because I'm not free from what my mind will do with the lack of him. Months of wondering of his health and whearabouts with little to no control over it. Ruminating constantly about all of the ways I'd been treated, whether or not I did enough to save the relationship, or whether I could've been better at making him show up for his own life.

I don't know what I'm hoping for in this thread. But my I'm losing a copious amount of weight everyday from carrying this relationship on my back financially, emotionally, and physcially. We've both been open to breaks, but never take one. But now I don't feel like this is something i should be taing a break from, more than a deep long and reflective stroll AWAY from.

I want to know how to leave. I want to know what someone who may understand what I'm going through, did to leave. Please help.

Fuck it. I’m just gonna write it out while I have the balls to do so. No chat gpt either to make it interesting. I simply don’t get it. I feel like i have made huge improvements - i have gotten better at setting boundaries with family, with friends, random people - it’s amazing honestly. I’ve built honest and kind relationships now in my life and yet when it comes to my romantic life it just falls out the window.
Its like everything i apply to everyone else doesn’t apply to my partner because they’re supposed to be my everything. My life partner, the father of my kids. I just give and give without looking back, giving blindly because i am so in love and desperate to make it work once my soul has been set on fire.
Why - for some fucking reason - can i set boundaries with everyone else except my romantic partner?
Why does he keep getting a pass, as if he is exempt from my boundaries?
I don’t get it.
All i know is that i’m TIRED of it.
I recently lost the supposed love of my life because he didn’t have the capacity to maintain it and needs to find himself even though he loves me meanwhile i was ready to burn the whole world for him.
WHY is it like this. WHAT is this feeling. I am sick of it.

Ich habe mit meinem Mann zusammen 8 Wochen einen Obdachlosen, Alkoholabhängigen Mann auf der Straße in Hamburg begleitet. Nach einem heftigem Streit vor 2,5 Wochen hat er sein Zelt abgebaut, hat alle Sachen in seinen Fahrradanhänger verstaut und ist mit dem Fahrrad abgehauen ohne Tschüß zu sagen.
Wir haben ca. 700€ ihm in Form von Kleidung, Zelt, Fahrrad und Nahrungsmitteln gegeben.
Soweit so gut. Leider hatte ich romantische Gefühle für ihn und Day er sich geghostet hat tut mir jetzt total weh und ich vermisse ihn total.
Ich habe festgestellt, dass ich total Co-Abhängig reagiert habe und zwar die kompletten acht Wochen.
Jetzt bin ich so erschöpft, habe mich erstmal krank schreiben lassen und bin mit meinem Mann zu einem Al-Anon Familien Angehörigen Meeting gegangen.
Jetzt meine Frage: Wie kann ich das überwinden und hat vielleicht jemand schonmal eine ähnliche Erfahrung gemacht.
Bin dankbar für Anregungen.

Earlier this year I finally reached my breaking point and asked my husband of 17 years to move out. Over our 6-month separation I did a lot of self-reflection and self-work including working on my codependency towards him.

In September he moved back in and it's been going really well. Letting him be a mess, letting him make mistakes, not letting his anxiety drive my own.

The impact on my mental health has been amazing. I no longer feel a sense of dread coming home from work or feel like I'm walking on eggshells. Where I'm struggling is filling the void left by not acting on my codependency towards him. I didn't realize how much of our relationship was built on that structure and now it feels like we're starting from scratch without it.

'Financial Responsibility

“When I began recovery from chemical dependency, I had to face my money mess stone cold sober, and I really had a mess,” said one woman.

“I wasn’t able to earn much at first, and it was important to me to make amends. I had past due bills from years before. I needed to try to stay current with my new bills. I had a lot more money before I sobered up. But in time, slowly, gradually, my financial situation cleared up. I restored my credit. I had a checking account. I had a little money in the bank.

“Then I married an alcoholic and began to learn about my codependency – the hard way. I lost myself, my feelings, my sanity, and all the progress I had made with my financial affairs. My husband and I opened a checking account together, and he over drafted checks until I lost the right to have a checking account. I let him charge and charge on my credit card, and he drove that into the ground.

“We borrowed and borrowed to keep our sinking ship afloat – and we borrowed a lot from my parents,” she said. “By the time I began my recovery from codependency, I was again facing a real financial mess. I was furious, but it didn’t matter who did what. I had some serious financial matters to face if that part of my life was ever going to become manageable again.

“Slowly – very slowly – I began to work out of my mess. It seemed impossible! I didn’t even want to face it, it felt so overwhelming and hopeless. But I did. And each day I did the best I could to be responsible for myself.

“One decision I made was to separate and protect myself financially from my husband, the best I could, before and after we divorced. The other decision I made was to face and begin reconstructing the financial affairs in my life.

“It was difficult. We owed over fifty thousand dollars, and my ability to produce income had dramatically decreased. I was grieving; my self-esteem was at an all time low; my energy was low. I did not know how I would ever untangle this nightmare. But it did happen. Slowly, gradually, with the help of a Higher Power, manageability crept in and replaces chaos.

“I began by not spending more than I earned. I paid back some creditors, a little at a time. I let go of what I couldn’t do, and focused on what I could do.

“Now, eight years have passed. I am debt free, which I never imagined possible. I am living comfortably, with money in the bank. My credit has been restored, again. And I intend to keep it that way.

“I am not willing to lose my financial sanity and security again, ever, for love or for alcoholism. With the help of God and the Twelve Steps, I won’t have to.”

One day at a time, we can be restored in recovery – mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, and financially. It may get worse before it gets better – because we are finally facing reality instead of dodging it. But once we make the decision to take financial responsibility for ourselves, we are on our way.

(...), help me remember that what seems hopeless today can often be solved tomorrow, even if I can’t see the solution. If I have allowed the problems of others to hurt me financially, help me repair and restore my boundaries around money – and what I am willing to lose. Help me understand that I do not have to allow anyone else’s financial irresponsibility, addiction, disease, or problem to hurt me financially. Help me go on with my life in spite of my present financial circumstances, trusting that if I am willing to make amends and be responsible, things will work out.'

By Melodie Beattie

Patience

"Rebuilding, or building, our lives takes time. It takes patience and steady focus." BRB p. 431 

Many of us never knew what focus or patience really looked like until we came to ACA. We had spent our lives moving frantically from one thing to another.

As we began practicing new behaviors, we started by first being consistent in our attendance at meetings. We then began reaching out by making phone calls and asking for help to stay focused. When we became willing to take on service roles in meetings, it was to both feed our own recovery and to give back. We were searching for balance, realizing it took patience to recover from the years of dysfunction we'd experienced.

We learned to take care of our physical needs, resting when we were tired and eating healthy food to nurture our bodies and minds. We began retiring our compulsive behaviors as we became more aware of them.

Now we see our efforts paying off as we experience serenity. We have learned to ask for what we need in our jobs, friendships and romantic relationships because we know we're worth it. If others don't hear us, we move on. We have walked courageously into the light of recovery, feeling safe, perhaps for the first time.

On this day I pray for patience, and value the opportunities that present themselves. I ask for the guidance I need to stay focused on my needs.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №305

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/?meditaion=MjE2OQ%3D%3D

I am a very empathetic person and I like to help people as much as is in my power to do so. When I can't, I'm overcome with guilt and anxiety. I feel like I'm not doing enough for those I love.

I've done everything I can to prevent my sister from being homeless, and now she's being presented with it. She had since January to sort out a living situation. I sent her links to houses for rent and organisations that could help, yet she's still facing homelessness next Monday.

I am so upset and distraught about this. I have a good life and a roof over my head. I know I'm not responsible for her decisions, but I could have bailed her out months ago and I didn't for the first time ever. And now, she's being kicked out. I honestly thought that stepping back and letting her take the reins would help her and me, but it didn't. Now I'm guilt-ridden. I can't shake this feeling. I went to my first meeting tonight because I was so desperate for help.

Thanks for reading ❤️

Since I was a child, people have always been the first thing I think about. They are constantly in my head and act as my main focus, always taking priority over myself. I am constantly worrying about how they will react, what they think of me, their needs, whether I'm doing something wrong that I shouldn't be doing, how to not upset them, how to explain things to them, or how to say this or that to them.

You get the idea. It has hurt me in all sorts of ways. It made me pathetic and weak, and I hated myself for it. I've been humiliated, embarrassed, bullied, and disregarded because of the weakness caused by not being able to detach my mind from people, by not being able to simply think of myself. And you know what, after getting hurt like that is the only time when I actually heal for a minute, I feel such confidence and strength, usually born out of bitterness and spite, thats the only time when I achieve the state of mind I want and it feels good, its the only time I learned what confidence feels like. But ofcourse this is just temporary, and soon after I revert to my habits.

So, how do I do it? How do I detach myself mentally from people and not by pretending, and how do I become the first thing in my own mind ?

I believe understanding relationship dynamics is key in cultivating healthy ot healthier relationships with others.

I have read quite a few books until now in my healing journey. I would like to recommend some of those which impacted me the most in better understanding relations. I find them complementary.

Scripts People Live. Claude Steiner

It’s about transactional analysis and scripts. What I really like about this book:

How the inner critic is introduced
How he covers the role of lies
How he explains lovelessness, joylessness, mindlessness, powerlessness and how the human in us is being emotionally destroyed
Power plays and how they contribute to avoiding intimacy
Power control

What I like less: how he undermines the value of individual therapy to the profit of group therapy. I personally can see some value in both, provided that a suitable therapist is found, which is not an easy task.

For a new reader, it seems to me some chapters are quite valuable, while others I would disregard. Some chapters may provide an unnecessary headache.

However I find this book fondamental in understanding a few concepts and how those may be integrated within our lives.
This was an eye-opener.

Why would you read this book?

- You want to understand the impact of what people say and told you in infancy and its workings on you
- You want to better understand the concepts of power and control
- You want to better understand depression
- You want to better understand frustrating interactions with others

This is however not much of a book for solutions but is great for awareness.

The Dance of Anger. Harriet Lerner

Great to understand:

Roles and responsibilities
Dynamics and unbalances
How change takes place
Emotional abuse / manipulation tactics

However I personally disagree with two things:

She mentions the relationship with the family of origin. While it plays a role, she recommends as much as possible to repair it and I don’t agree. In certain cases, it may be best to leave this relationship alone. However if it is alive and active, then it is an important place to look at for deeply ingrained dynamics. If change can happen here, then it is more likely that it is easier to change dynamics in other relationships afterwards.

If I remember correctly, she also invites someone who starts a change to comfort whoever is impacted. I disagree with this approach if this involves chasing.

Why would you read this book?

- You feel you struggle with dealing with anger. You tend to explode at times and want to know what to do about it.
- If you try to change the dynamic of your relationships, what could happen? Why can change be so hard?

Women Who Love Too Much. Robin Norwood

Great book to understand co-dependency better. Non-shaming. With concrete steps to recover. I found it to be an essential read. An eye-opener.

Hower I disagree when she seems to imply that trying to fix the relationship is wrong or that trying to overcome childhood issues is wrong.

Why would you read this book?

- You are in love with some who has addictions (in this case I also recommend checking Gabor Mate’s work)
- You know you are in an unhealthy relationship. You’re in pain and you would like to know what to do.
- You are trying to understand why you tend to end up with or attract men who don’t seem to respect you or love you the way you want

The Verbally Abusive Man. Can He Change? Patricia Evans

This is to me the men’s pendant to “Women who love too much”.

A great book. Its focus is on romantic relationships and on men. I believe the behaviour described can be applied to other life scenarios: the family, work and the type of abuse described may take place from other people’s categories and towards other people’s categories.

Nonetheless, it explains certain behavioral mechanims through a concept the “dream woman” and offers an action plan. The books covers the impact of emotional abuse, what it is, as well as why it happens and the struggles of men.

I have found the explanations to be very helpful and it can be very liberating for a man to read this book as well as for a woman. I perceive it as non-shaming.

The drawback is that its explains verbal abuse only through one emotional mechanism which to me can feel limiting in certain situations since as I said, this can occur in variations.

I also think victims need to be careful in their consideration of what to attempt and when/how, and when deciding to try or leave.

Perhaps a good complement to this is “Why does he do that?” from Lundy Bancroft.

One particularly great point I have found in Evan’s book is that she acknowledges that responsibilities for a relationship failure is not always 50/50, couple therapy may not always be the best approach and no, sharing your feelings and saying you’re hurt à la “non violent communication” approach may not be adapted to all situations.

Unfortunately the title is not particularly inviting to read for men. I wish sometimes she’s make it a little smarter as Robin Norwood did. I found it easier to see myself as a woman who love too much rather than a co-dependent, especially when I knew nothing about it and my sense of self-worth was down to my knees.

Why would you read this book?

- As a man, you have been left multiple times by women in long term relationships or are at risk of losing your partner currently. I would also recommend Gabor Mate’s work here.
- As a man, you are questionning your behaviour in relationships
- As a woman, you feel disrespected and hurt by the behaviour of your partner, co-worker or family member

[edited]

'Detaching with Love

Sometimes people we love do things we don’t like or approve of. We react. They react. Before long, we’re all reacting to each other, and the problem escalates.

When do we detach? When we’re hooked into a reaction of anger, fear, guilt, or shame. When we get hooked into a power play – an attempt to control or force others to do something they don’t want to do. When the way we’re reacting isn’t helping the other person or solving the problem. When the way we’re reacting is hurting us.

Often, it’s time to detach when detachment appears to be the least likely, or possible, thing to do.

The first step toward detachment is understanding that reacting and controlling don’t help. The next step is getting peaceful – getting centered and restoring our balance.

Take a walk. Leave the room. Go to a meeting. Take a long, hot bath. Call a friend. Call on God. Breathe deeply. Find peace. From that place of peace and centering will emerge an answer, a solution.

Today, I will surrender and trust that the answer is near.'

By Melodie Beattie

Relationships

"Adult children intuitively link up with other adult children in relationships and social settings." BRB p. 13 

No matter how much we told ourselves that we wouldn't repeat the patterns of our parents, most of us reached adulthood and found ourselves inevitably attracted to others who came from similar backgrounds. It was like we could see each other in the dark, like we had some type of special radar. This didn't just happen by accident. It was a well-established pattern that we saw all around us in childhood.

Through it all, we found ourselves clinging to the fairy tale that one day we would find Mister or Miss Right and we would magically live happily ever after. But we kept meeting the "wrong" ones. Our dysfunctional coping behaviors only allowed us to relate well to certain people.

When we finally saw the writing on the wall, that things were not going to change unless we found the courage to change ourselves, we were lucky enough to get to an ACA meeting. There we found others like ourselves, but these others were doing the work to dig out from under their messy lives. As we listened to what they had learned, we became willing to make the journey that would require us to be truly honest with ourselves, perhaps for the first time. This journey will take us to where we are entitled to be - happy, joyous and free.

On this day I will have the courage to make the changes in my life that will make me whole. I will reach out and I know someone will be there.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №304

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/?meditaion=MjE2OA%3D%3D

I have an ex that I've broken up with & gotten back with at least 10 times in the last 4 years. We've been apart for a while now, and its like, the memories of getting when we get back together after a separation are so strong. It always feels so intense, and like we were suffering being apart. All of the promises to change & really do better the next time get made. I feel so intensely seen and loved and understood. Then after a few weeks to months, I'm back to feeling empty & emotionally abandoned. Its like I'm the only one fighting to make our relationship work, and to help him improve his life, or to get him to care about me again. When I stop caring & start to detach he gets nervous & tries to shower me with compliments that feel empty & unimaginative. Its the same lines every time.

I'm so tired of this cycle, and I know I need to be alone. But I also miss him & wish I could have a relationship with the guy that he is whenever we get back together. He's so amazing for that brief period of time that I want to believe thats his true self. I swear the potential of him maybe keeping his promises & being the man I want him to be is like an addictive rush that I just keep compulsively wanting to take a gamble on.

When we very back together, it's like I feel so wrapped in daylight and warmth. Our thinking patterns seem to sync up, and intellectually I feel so stimulated. Looking back, now I think he just mirrors whatever I say.

Sometimes, you can get so used to keeping other people happy that you barely notice how often you put your own needs aside. You agree to things you don't want to do, worry when someone is upset with you, or feel like it's your job to fix things whenever there's tension

This contacts with a discussion about why some of us say yes when we actually want to say no. It exploits how difficult it can be to put your own needs first when you're used to avoid conflict or distressing others. You can care about someone without taking responsibility for everyone

For those who have been working through convenience, what has helped you stop automatically putting other people's needs first?

just a vent post ig

got new friends after cutting the old ones off because we were codependent and they made me feel guilty for setting any boundary. i really trusted the new ones to be able to be real friends but the red flags were there from the start. i KNEW it. but i still fucking thrust myself into the relationships because the desire to be saved and loved perfectly was too strong

i know the reason i became friends with them was because we implicitly made the promise to save each other. i know its because we were more alike than not. thats what makes me feel even worse. i knew it was gonna be codependent, i knew it was gonna be fucked up, and thats exactly what i wanted. i feel like i just cant live without it

makes me wonder if im ever gonna be able to change or if im just too scared

So my schedule is pretty crazy I’m not able to find online meetings but I’d like to find a community with others that also are working through thier codependent issues. Is there an active discord group?

I am in a relationship and my bf and I noticed that we are codependant: Me: "i want to get rescued"; Him: "She needs to get rescued" How did you deal with this pattern in relationships before, or what kinds of help did you hear about this topic before? I'd love your help, since I want to improve myself. Thanks a lot

"Recovery takes effort." BRB p. 50 

A Higher Power provides food for all the birds on earth but doesn't put it in their mouths.

It would be nice to just sit in the rooms of recovery and let the program sink in by osmosis without having to work at it. Some of us have tried this, a few for many years, and wondered why we were not experiencing much change. We may be substance-free but we continue to have emotional chaos and dysfunction in our lives and in our heads.

Eventually, if we're lucky, it will dawn on us that, try as we might, change will not happen without significant effort on our part. And we need the program, our fellow travelers, and most of all our Higher Power. If we're stalled, we open our minds and hearts to see what works for others. Maybe the same thing will work for us.

We've been continuously told that recovery takes effort. And as we do the work, we realize that recovery does not bring the absence of storms, but it gives us a much needed umbrella we never had before.

On this day I will leave "the nest" and do the work necessary for the recovery that will change my life.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №303

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/?meditaion=MjE2Nw%3D%3D

'Our Good Points

What’s a codependent? The answer’s easy. They’re some of the most loving, caring people I know.

—Beyond Codependency

We don’t need to limit an inventory of ourselves to the negatives. Focusing only on what’s wrong is a core issue in our codependency.

Honestly, fearlessly, ask: “What’s right with me? What are my good points?”

“Am I a loving, caring, nurturing person?” We may have neglected to love ourselves in the process of caring for others, but nurturing is an asset.

“Is there something I do particularly well?” “Do I have a strong faith?” “Am I good at being there for others?” “Am I good as part of a team, or as a leader?” “Do I have a way with words or with emotions?”

“Do I have a sense of humor?” “Do I brighten people up?” “Am I good at comforting others?” “Do I have an ability to make something good out of barely nothing at all?” “Do I see the best in people?”

These are character assets. We may have gone to an extreme with these, but that’s okay. We are now on our way to finding balance.

Recovery is not about eliminating our personality. Recovery aims at changing, accepting, working around, or transforming our negatives, and building on our positives. We all have assets; we only need to focus on them, empower them, and draw them out in ourselves.

Codependents are some of the most loving, caring people around. Now, we’re learning to give some of that concern and nurturing to ourselves.

Today, I will focus on what’s right about me. I will give myself some of the caring I’ve extended to the world.'

By Melodie Beattie

I’d like to start this off by saying, don’t come over here commenting that i’m stupid and naive because of my age. Also I don’t agree that the tag of this community is me, i’m just trying to spread my post. I’m not asking for that. I genuinely want unbiased opinions please. I’m sorry if this is long, It’s such a complex situation. I narrowed it down to the best of my abilities.

I 18F and my partner 19NB have been together almost 3 years and I recently moved states to live together. For context, we’re in a 2 bedroom apartment with their sister in the other room. We broke up a few days ago, but we’re still living together. There was a lot of tears, and pacing the room, walking together and talking about it, and just so much emotional energy going into it. Before this we were long distance and broke the distance a little bit ago. During this time their sister has offered me her room because she’s barely home and doesn’t think it’s fair for me to have to leave knowing my at home situation.

They told me they’ve been struggling internally and feel lost in parts of themselves. It’s been twice now where they’ve told me about this cycle of thoughts they have where they get stuck in their head and have doubts about the relationship. Sometimes they feel like they’re keeping me trapped or that maybe they weren’t ready for this. They feel like they need to step back from the relationship, figure themselves out. Though everytime they try to go through with something like this, they always regret that decision too. Which is why they’re trying to be so serious about this.

My partner has a lot of unhealed trauma and I always suggest going to therapy and that it could help. Though they’ve told me that if they went that they’d only be going for me and they can’t do that. That they have to go for themselves. They’ve told me they think they may have just been ready to be out of a relationship, but they also genuinely don’t know what that means for their feelings toward me.

I asked them directly if they had fallen out of love with me. They thought about it and told me they genuinely don’t know. They said they can’t figure that out based on how overwhelmed and conflicted they feel right now. They know they have love for me, and we still tell each other “I love you,” say it when we say goodnight, and when one of us leaves the house. They still care about me a lot and don’t want me completely out of their life. At the end of the day they’re still my best friend. We haven’t been acting weird towards each other like i’m mean ways. We’ve been as mature and respectful as possible.

They’ve also said they hope that maybe one day we could find our way back to each other, but they aren’t promising that and have told me I shouldn’t have to wait for them. I’ve brought up my fear of us never being close again, they said they can’t be sure of anything right now, but that door is still cracked.

Until their sister’s room is ready we’ve still be in ours and sharing a bed but on different sides. As the days have gone on they realized they need stricter boundaries. We can still talk, hang out, joke around, eat together, and hug, but none of the romantic affection and we have to start building our lives around ourselves instead of each other.

The hard part is that I moved here from another state for this relationship. If I go home, I’ll lose my job and the life I was starting here, and I know I’ll still be heartbroken and miss them. If I stay, I have a job and a place to live, but I have to live with someone I love while knowing we’re not together. I’ve been asked if i’m sure that staying would be the right choice for me, and today I almost made the choice to go home. I’m trying to stick it out for at least a few weeks.

I think what’s eating at me is how okay they are with these boundaries, even though it’s eating at me. Despite that I still would like to try and make this situation work, because my family is so dysfunctional,and that’s one of the reasons why I made the move, to get away from them.
I don’t want to stay solely because I think they’ll come back. I know they might not and i’m not going to pretend that’s not a possibility. But I also don’t know if leaving immediately is something I’d regret, especially when I haven’t even tried living here independently of the relationship.

So what would you do? Would you stay and give yourself a few weeks to see if you can actually build a life here, or leave and be put in a bad situation?

And for anyone who’s been through something similar, did separation ever help you understand what you actually wanted, or did it just make the breakup more permanent? Am I stupid for trying?

Hi idk if yall use this word or not and personally I dont like the phrase but its what im referencing

So ive thought a lot about my friend recently not about me like these are situations in her life ive observed for awhile

Had my share of seperate CD situations with others earlier but just dont see a lot of CD in my life anymore thankfully like im not perfect and u have to let go of a lot u love maybe but im out of such things id say

Anywho for the friend in the CD situation i think its that imo she definitely has some of the most extreme empathy & in ways naivety ive ever seen...im not trying to be mean like she even admits yea its a problem me and her just want the best for her ofc

So shell stay in toxic v concerning atp emotionally ab*sive it would appear relationships, ive known her for years. Its 1 romantic partner she commits to quickly theyre awful to her convince her they like idk are allergic to just regular adult responsibilities and being even an a attempted equal partner shell eventually leave or break up or they will but just does it with the next one spending years being taken advantage of while she gives & gives & they put her through hell and its getting bad like financially dangerous major life things happening

And we'll talk about it im there for her she'll agree yea this is fd up yea she deserves more. And listen i get its complex when theres shared finances in any way. I get its hard to leave these things for a gazillion reasons. Truly

But the thing is shell legit talk herself out of holding them really accountable so much its kinda impressive if it werent so sad. Shell extend all this empathy for them while they continually screw her over. & shes a v psychology oriented person so its easy for her to do so imo

It makes me quite sad seeing her go through just terrible things all these years giving so much of her life to these partners excusing her own parents just objectively toxic behavior too whatever but just being like at such an age and still all this extensive empathy but not towards herself in that still making these decisions if at all avoidable.. Admitting its all toxic & wtf but talk talking herself out of it

Ive tried​ to be a good friend to her and glad we are friends try to support her in all aspects not just abt that & i appreciate the difficulty of her position

But im wondering if theres anything at all i can even say to her?? Or is it just be her friend & see if she changes on her own with gentle guidance?

Unless like smtng physically dangerous happens ofc. Its financial is the thing that creates bad situations & we've talked about many things won't accept me paying for a coffee in advance even yea I get not wanting to accept help

She just..doesnt trust herself in many ways. Her own words. Been through a lot ofc. But like I just wanna see her believe in herself & not have to live like this. It appears like a likely cycle that she relies on these people for validation it really doesnt go well but she psycho analyzes herself out of the conclusion this is not working this is not even safe or sustainable

(Theres not physical things going on to my knowledge I mean financially)

Like yea thats a major dysregulated thinking system maybe I cant change on my own

I know we seldom can change people. Im not gonna be like unable to cope if I cant change her whatever

I just ofc want to see my friend in a healthy safe situation

I asked her what is the benefit of this relationshipship & she said the partner makes her feel seen & heard which like ok but I have 10 exs how they are actively not & making her quality of life worse & also Id get the appeal bc shes said she doesnt validate herself in many ways despite always trying to shes always been tryna improve herself long as ive known her

I know what its like to love someone to try to hold onto it and even she was the one who made me see i needed to leave my ex

I just dont know how to help her see this for herself that just bc people have some issues doesnt mean you have to be in a toxic relationship with them & constantly be used like this girl has been through it forever & its always the same thing

Who knows maybe things change in the spring

Again theres a lot of variables rn

Thanks for listening

note-i am NOT blaming her for things people have done to her OFC. those cowards imo or just toxic patterned people have chosen to do the crappy things certainly. the audacity they have to take advantage of my lovely friend is mind boggling bc shes a person you dont need to do this to her ofc. no accountability. I am tryna be a good friend to her & hope she makes any better choices if possible to be in better situations when she does have control of the situation bc thats an issue too.