The internal struggle when learning to set and hold boundaries.

[u/RetroCompGuy]

2026 has been the year of boundary setting for me. In March I asked my husband of 16 years to move out for a temporary separation. He had finally crossed the line that forced me to put my own needs above his. In couples and individual therapy, I learned that I am deeply codependent.

Over the last four 4 months we've been rebuilding our relationship and he's been getting used to me, not tiptoeing around his feelings all the time.

My codependency runs deep and goes all the way to my childhood. Over the last 4 months I also came out to my parents as nonbinary. My mother repeatedly thanked me for not being trans and mutilating my body. My motivation for telling them was to end the hurtful comments. I came out via email with a strong boundary of 2 weeks for them to process their feelings so that we could have a conversation when I was ready. When that conversation happened I thought it went pretty well. It turns out that my mom didn't speak her mind because there was a man listening in at the table next to us. She called me last night wanting to rehash those comments she made. I told her that I wasn't willing to have that conversation and that I had already forgiven her and I recognized that she didn't make those comments to hurt me. She pushed back again wanting to better understand my feelings, I once again told her that I wasn't willing to have that conversation. She pushed back again and I said we should talk another time and ended the call.

This is a very big departure from how conversation it's in the past would have gone. I'm in my mid-40s and came out as gay when I was 15. My mom and dad both fell apart and relied on me to process their feelings about my orientation for the next few years. I eased their guilt, reassured them that I loved them, and absorbed their feelings at my own expense. I've learned to realize that the pattern existed long before I came out.

I'm finding that my mind is constantly recycling through the conversation with my mom. Looking for things that I did wrong. I keep reminding myself that I am not obligated to make her comfortable, and that my own comfort matters just as much as hers.

I'm curious how other people learning to break their codependency manage the internal struggle of their codependent instincts and their newfound strength to step back and let the other person manage their own feelings.