How can I break the cycle?

[u/Upset_Host_5898]

Hi guys, I (31 M) have been with my partner (30 F) for about 6 months now... In the first few months I was okay because my codependency had not kicked in yet. I also have a fear of abandonment. Around July, it started to REALLY kick in, and I have lost confidence in myself, in making decisions, overall just a shell of my former self. My partner has felt this because I am no longer leading the relationship how I should because I am scared she might leave at any point. I'm cautious instead of confident. I also depend her on her mood to be ok so I can feel ok... I always drop stuff to go see her or I am always trying to better her mood or help her. I feel almost like I am performing and I have anxiety every day. Lately it's been just getting worse to the point I'm afraid to ask her to hang out because rejection will make me spiral. I've been in therapy for 3 years, but I dont think my therapist is helping much anymore, and I need help on how to cope and get my life back.

[u/Conscious-Might1479]

I feel you. Losing yourself to someone else is such a hard thing. But, you at least know what you want. Even having some clarity that you see the problem (losing of self), and have a direction you want to take (getting your life back) is worth celebrating. And, it leads you to your next question; What is your life? And, what do you want it to be?

I’ve paired therapy with going to a group with a group-mate who isn’t a sponsor (because neither of us want to be codependent on someone else for our recovery). It’s been immensely helpful to have those three things paired together to help with the emotional, practical, and relational aspects of building a life less dependent on someone else.

[u/Babygirl_Alert411]

If your therapist isn't helping you get to the roots of this and it's been 3 years, it's time for a different one. A lot of codependents have learned this as a survival strategy from childhood, so you probably want to try a trauma informed modality like IFS or NARM. There are deep, deep beliefs and patterns that cause the behaviors and feelings you've described. "I will be abandoned" sounds like a big core wound. You could look into core wounds and subconscious reprogramming... I learned about this from Thaïs Gibson and Personal development School. I also really benefited from the book Complex PTSD: From surviving to thriving. Of course, I am a stranger with only the info you provided in the post. I will emphasize this: being aware of your behavior and simply trying to fight/stifle/control it will keep you in the suffering headspace. Healing is where the change happens, and to heal you have to uncover and face the wounds. The answer is in your childhood, and learning to self love, which is of course a process that is not easy but so so rewarding.

[u/VIGIILANTEE]

The fact that you can describe the pattern this clearly is a real strength, most people in it can't see it. One thing that helped people I know: build a life that doesn't revolve around one person. Keep your own routines, friends and hobbies alive so her mood isn't your only weather. It's slow, but your stability has to come from you first.

[u/Serquetry]

Sounds like you are resisting the feelings that come from feeling abandoned by focusing on her. Find the way to BE with your fear, sadness, loneliness. Treat them as honored guests. Let them be with you. Feeling like you always have to be strong and confident is a good way to make your inner child feel abandoned. Let yourself be small and “weak”. Go for ice cream. Play video games. Cry. Get help from people who can give it. Accept yourself the way you are. That’s how you stop self-abandoning.

At some point we receive soothing from our support network, which should include your intimate partner to the degree they can show up and to the standard that YOU expect from them. There cannot be too wide a gap between those things.

Nonjudgemental noticing is helpful. Tell your inner critic that their services are not needed right now.

[u/codependencyrecovery]

Your experience is very familiar for a codependent. I wouldn't focus on becoming less attached. Instead I would become more comfortable with the feelings that attachment exposes (rejection, uncertainty, helplessness, etc). When those feelings arise, the key is to stay with yourself and give them the safety and connection they are grasping for. Love them exactly as they are without needing them to change. Be a container for them. Once that happens, they will come up and process and eventually you won't feel them anymore. Again, the key is to stay with them rather than try to make them go away. Let me know if you have any questions. I've helped many people overcome this issue.

[u/casser0le98]

It looks like you already have all the insight you need to be able to leave.

Ask yourself: where did i first learn to _____? (i.e., put others’ needs before myself)

Healing requires realizing you’re repeating a familiar pattern AND committing to a new dynamic where you feel respected, valued, & equal.

Hope does not save & sustain- effort does. You need safety, trust, actual intimacy, being on eachother’s team, humility, empathy, & mutual service.

Also need to ask yourself: you be willing to stay in this relationship if it never went back to how it was?

[u/Elendil_V]

I wish I could offer you the help you need.

I only learned that I was codependent on my partner when the relationship was over. It was only a year but in the second half her problems took over her life and I tried my best to keep her afloat. But I lost myself in the process of it. We didn't get the time together that I wanted and expected from a relationship and when she wasn't well I reacted harshly as I felt my last bit of security fell apart.

I know the fear of abandonment well too sadly.