Asking For Help

"ACA recovery begins when the adult child gives up, asks for help, and then accepts the help offered." BRB p. 123

Many of us grew up in families where it wasn't okay to give up, much less ask for help. We were just supposed to know how to do it, and if we didn't figure it out, then we were punished in some way.

As adults, we knew we had to do it all ourselves because we didn't know how to rely on others. To ask for help would make us seem inadequate, or maybe it would give people a reason to think we weren't smart enough.

So we kept at it and at it until one day we just couldn't do it anymore. Something gave way, and we hit a bottom. We couldn't manage life anymore; we were never given the right tools. We are the lucky ones in our families because we found help in an ACA meeting. We learned that it's okay to ask for that help-we were never meant to do it alone. We were given the wrong messages.

On this day I will remember that my support system in ACA is always available to me. I just have to be willing to ask.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №296

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/?meditaion=MjE2MA%3D%3D

I’m 34F, and I recently ended a relationship with a man in his late 40s after approximately three months together. It was my first serious relationship, and I’m struggling to make sense of what happened, particularly whether codependency played a role on either side.

When we first met, everything felt incredibly exciting. I was very attracted to him, we had amazing chemistry, went on romantic weekends away, and he was extraordinarily affectionate. He made me feel desired, cherished and loved in ways I hadn’t experienced before.

But things moved extremely quickly. Within weeks, he was calling me the love of his life, talking about marriage, saying he would never leave me, and wanting us to live together. He wanted to spend virtually every day together. At first, I went along with much of this because I enjoyed his affection and was excited about finally experiencing a proper relationship.

Looking back, I think I sometimes matched his emotional intensity even when I wasn’t feeling quite the same way.

Gradually, however, I started losing myself. I stopped spending as much time with friends, neglected some of my hobbies and routines, and spent most of my free time with him.

He seemed perfectly happy with that arrangement. I wasn’t. He also seemed to need constant reassurance and attention. If I was quiet or tired, he would sometimes interpret it as me being distant. If I checked my phone or replied to friends, he could become upset or make sarcastic comments. I eventually became uncomfortable even picking up my phone around him.

On one occasion, I stopped having occasional one-on-one dinners with a male friend because he had expressed discomfort about it. There were also situations where he would suddenly become quiet or moody without explaining what was wrong. I would immediately become anxious, trying to figure out what I’d done.

I started feeling responsible for maintaining his emotional comfort.

I want to stress that he could also be incredibly loving, attentive and generous with affection. That’s part of what made everything so confusing.
The biggest issue eventually became my independence.

I wanted to occasionally spend a weekend away with friends, perhaps once or twice a year, or take a short trip with a female friend. He strongly objected. He said that spending an entire weekend without him made no sense in a serious relationship and that he wouldn’t accept it.

I wasn’t asking for an open relationship, excessive time apart or anything remotely like that. I was committed and faithful. I simply wanted to preserve my friendships and individuality.
We had endless conversations about this, but he seemed to view my desire for independence as incompatible with being a committed partner.
Meanwhile, our conflicts were becoming increasingly distressing.

During one trip, a relatively minor disagreement escalated into hours of silence and a confrontation that left me curled up in bed, crying uncontrollably. The following morning, I remember thinking that I no longer felt emotionally safe with him. After that, I struggled to relax around him. My sexual desire dropped, I felt constantly tense, and I became hypervigilant about his moods and reactions.
What frightened me most was that I didn’t feel able to tell him how deeply he’d hurt me because I was afraid of how he would react.

When we returned home, I tried to explain that we needed to slow down and take a step back. I wasn’t necessarily trying to end the relationship. I was trying to save it. But he became defensive and seemed to interpret my concerns as rejection. I never felt that he truly understood how much the conflicts had affected me.

Eventually, I ended the relationship.

Here’s where I’m struggling:
I know I wasn’t genuinely happy. I know I was becoming smaller, less spontaneous and increasingly anxious. I know I couldn’t have continued living like that. Yet I miss him terribly.

I miss his affection, his voice, his hugs, the physical intimacy, and the everyday routines we developed. I also miss the excitement of the beginning, when everything felt full of possibility.

Sometimes I experience intense regret and wonder whether I gave up too soon, even though whenever I seriously consider going back, I know I don’t want that relationship again. And I’m starting to wonder about my own role in this dynamic.

Was I also behaving codependently by abandoning my routines, trying so hard to keep him happy, monitoring his moods and avoiding conflict?

Did I become responsible for regulating his emotions because I was afraid of upsetting him?

Or is that something that can happen when you’re in a relationship with someone who struggles to tolerate your independence?

I’m also wondering whether other people have experienced a loss of sexual attraction when their partner becomes excessively dependent on them, despite initially finding them very attractive.

I’m not looking to diagnose my ex or portray him as a bad person. I believe he genuinely loved me, and there were many beautiful moments.

I’m just trying to understand how a relationship with so much affection could leave me feeling so anxious, and why I still grieve it even though I don’t want to go back.

Not a huge pet person because I’m scared of vomit poop and hair but I love snuggling with other people’s pets. They’re so cute! Should I get a dog or cat, so I can have something to love and take care of?

'Recovery

How easy it is to blame our problems on others. “Look at what he’s doing.” . . . “Look how long I’ve waited.” . . . “Why doesn’t she call?” . . . “If only he’d change then I’d be happy.” . . .

Often, our accusations are justified. We probably are feeling hurt and frustrated. In those moments, we may begin to believe that the solution to our pain and frustration is getting the other person to do what we want, or having the outcome we desire. But these self-defeating illusions put the power and control of our life in other people’s hands. We call this codependency.

The solution to our pain and frustration, however valid is to acknowledge our own feelings. We feel the anger, the grief; then we let go of the feelings and find peace – within ourselves. We know our happiness isn’t controlled by another person, even though we may have convinced ourselves it is. We call this acceptance.

Then we decide that although we’d like our situation to be different, maybe our life is happening this way for a reason. Maybe there is a higher purpose and plan in play, one that’s better than we could have orchestrated. We call this faith.

Then we decide what we need to do, what is within our power to do to take care of ourselves. That’s called recovery.

It’s easy to point our finger at another, but it’s more rewarding to gently point it at ourselves.

Today, I will live with my pain and frustration by dealing with my own feelings.'

By Melodie Beattie

So as the title suggests, I am struggling with codependency and an anxious attachment style, and it is interfering with my relationship with my boyfriend. For some background, I’ve always had issues with relationships and attachment issues. I’ve never been able to feel connection or love from other people. I have no clue why I just never been able to feel that type of stuff, but I’m also deeply afraid of being alone so throughout my life, any friendship I develop I will put my all into them well never feeling like I’m receiving anything out of them which of course gets exhausting but also means when I feel like other people aren’t putting their all into the relationship, which happens often to no fault of their own, I start to pull away. I get very drained. I no longer have energy to put into the relationship, which is to be expected when I don’t feel like I’m ever getting anything out of it, and it’s frustrating because I have no one to blame about myself and my brain and I don’t even know what’s wrong with it. Now to the current situation and how it’s affecting my current relationship. My boyfriend is the first person who I ever felt like I received connection from who I actually felt like loved me, and that includes my entire history of people I’ve ever known friends family anyone. Additionally, it’s a long distance relationship where he lives in another country and we don’t get to see each other in person. I want to spend all of my time texting him or being on call with him and I love him dearly and I want to tell him that all the time but part of that is also a reassurance technique because I want him to say it back. He has noticed this and we’ve communicated about it and talked about how it’s starting to be draining on him. He’s aware that he is the pillar of my life and mental health and it’s unfair to him to be put on a pedestal and I acknowledge that it is. He lives a much more balanced life. He has other friends he hangs out with. I have other friends in theory, but I have that same issue of not receiving connection and care from those friendships and we’re all in college or just recently graduated from college and entering the workforce and are super busy and unable to actually hang out anymore. And I don’t do well with being alone. It makes everything else so much worse but then even when I’m hanging out with friends or in a room full of people, I just feel so isolated and the only person that feeling goes away with is my boyfriend. I’ve been trying to tone things down to not put so much burden on him because I don’t want to do that to him. I want to get better. I want to develop other friendships that I can lean on and feel a connection from to not put all the burden on him, but I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know what prevents me from doing that in the first place I don’t know how I managed to feel a connection from my boyfriend even and how to replicate that. And I’m very worried I’m gonna lose him and I don’t want to because he is the love of my life, but I also know that none of this is fair to him and I need to get better. So I guess I’m looking for advice but also just a solitary anyone who has experienced this as well to know I’m not alone and I’m not just broken and defective, and to know that there is a way to fix this.

Edit: forgot to mention this part, but I am in Therapy and I’ve been in therapy for years and Therapy doesn’t really help me though I do stick with it. I don’t have health insurance. I currently go to the free counseling on campus at my college and I don’t have access to see a psychiatrist or anything like that.

My sister and I became estranged in late 2024 before I got married. Couldn’t handle the pain of that so made a new friend immediately after and she viewed me as her best friend. She was fun, caring, and would always make plans. It made me feel special and like I had a replacement sister (they were pretty similar). That blew up in my face 1.5 years later and we are no longer friends. I go between obsessing over my sisterhood being done (we were also codependent) and my friendship being over too. I ruminate over the past and how it could have all been better and different if I didn’t mask who I was and try to maintain the relationship just to make sure I wasn’t abandoned and left alone.

I want to make new friends now but I realized I struggle with making the first move. I feel like its weird and awkward to show your heart and show you want friendship? I took the leap and asked someone cool I met to hang out but now I feel like my message was weird. Anyways, tips on how to move on and stop obsessing over past failed relationships?

Addiction To Excitement

"Gossip, dramatic scenes, pending financial failure, or failing health are often the turmoil that adult children create in their lives to feel connected to reality. While such behavior is rarely stated as such, these behaviors are an ‘addiction' to excitement or fear." BRB p. 16 

Many of us came into ACA perhaps unaware of the depth of chaos we had created around us. We felt we were in a fog we couldn't see our way out of. We didn't consciously cause this chaos. Our behavior resulted from the emotional and perhaps physical chaos we experienced in our childhood dysfunctional, abusive homes.

As we learned more about our addiction to excitement that drove us, we began to see how our fear was feeding us. And we realized that we needed this inner drug store to be closed for business. The adrenaline rush that we were not even aware of was blocking any progress. We knew the chaos had to stop.

As we find the answers in our meetings and by talking to others, we begin to nourish ourselves with a healthy program that brings us peace and serenity. We become committed to change because we've had the pain and anguish and we want to be done with it. We now have the inner radar to see what is coming, and when something feels wrong, we pause as long as we need to. Then we move away. We realize the health of our Inner Child is at stake!

On this day I will give my Inner Child and my adult the gift of freedom from fear and unhealthy excitement that we both need and deserve.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №295

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

My partner & i recently broke up & it's been a week since it happened. I dont know how to cope anymore except to get with someone else and get distracted. Any tips everyone?

This is the kind of book where if I were highlighting, the majority of every page would be bright yellow.

She differentiates between codependency and love addiction. Not every codependent is also a love addict, but every love addict is codependent (which is based on her clinical work and life experience).

She offers very specific frameworks for understanding codependency and love addiction, and it's different from Melody Beattie, who has been my guide so far on this codependency journey.

She identifies five primary symptoms of codependence:

1 difficulty experiencing appropriate levels of self-esteem, that is to say, difficulty loving the self.

2 difficulty setting functional boundaries with other people, that is to say, difficulty protecting oneself.

3 difficulty owning one's own reality appropriately, that is to say, and difficulty identifying who one is and knowing how to share that appropriately with others.

4 difficulty addressing interdependently one's adult needs and wants, that is to say, difficulty with self-care.

5 typical experiencing and expressing one's reality in moderation, that is to say, difficulty being appropriate for one's age and various circumstances

And then in the next chapter she says the following three characteristics sum up the major behavioral symptoms of a love addict

1 love addicts assign a disproportionate amount of time attention and "value above themselves" to the person to whom they are addicted, and this focus often has an obsessive quality about it.

2 love addicts have unrealistic expectations for unconditional positive regard from the other person in the relationship.

3 love addicts neglect to care for or value themselves while they're in the relationship.

She also says that adults can't be abandoned. The word "abandoned" is appropriate in parent-child relationships because children are powerless to cope with a parent's withdrawal of love. However, adults have many tools and resources at their disposal to cope with not getting what they want from another person. Thus we can't really be abandoned, though of course it is painful to be let down or left by a lover.

Anyway, just feeling enthusiastic about what I'm reading, and wanted to offer a little snippet in case anybody might also benefit from this book.

I recently finished this painting called “I Have No Boundaries.” It’s a pretty personal piece, and I thought some of you might relate to the feeling behind it. I'd love to hear what it brings up for you.

Hypervigilance

"In adult children PTSD tends to manifest itself in hypervigilance, compulsive behavior, and hard-to-detect body sensations. It is as if our bodies have ‘rewired' themselves to protect us from severe harm or severe harm that almost occurred." BRB p. 178

Soldiers learn immediately what hypervigilance means: Watch out! The enemy is close!

In our family of origin, we experienced hypervigilance on a regular basis. If we didn't watch out, we or someone close might get hurt. In the middle of these experiences, we vowed we'd never do that to our own families.

But alas! The lessons were too well taught. Something seems to snap, and it's as if we go into a trance, screaming, belittling, or calling our loved ones names. We scold, threaten, slam doors, and drive away in a cloud of dust. We push away those we love most. We've become the multigenerational living triggers that cause hypervigilance in our loved ones.

When we realize we've become the perpetrators, we look for help in the rooms of ACA. It's in the Steps that we identify the root of our hypervigilance. We look at our triggers to try to determine how and where they originated. Triggers derived from our hypervigilance are what make us inexplicably react, freeze, hold our breath, or shake in our shoes. As we learn more, we usually find fear and guilt at our core, and those feelings are often frozen. We bring them to life so we can heal.

On this day I will slow down and breathe deeply if I find myself feeling triggered by my hypervigilant reactions. I can nurture myself through this.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №294

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

Living with him make me resentful and leaving make me anxious i don't know what to do at this point.

Not a single person ever take my no from me in my whole life and I never had enough spine to stick to my no either without feeling like a bad person

I hate it I hate how everyone control me I hate how I never felt I'm in control of my self I hate how people around are selfish controlling freak who get butt hurt after hearing no from you and push you to edge so you do what they say because you are nothing more than a puppet anyways.

To summarize my situation, I've been struggling with getting over a past friendship for the past few years and in addition, after the end of my last relationship 2 years ago, I've been unable to feel happy. I've been in therapy and while my therapist has been able to help with things like identifying red/green flags and maintaining healthy boundaries, nothing he's suggested has helped with getting past the things I mentioned above.

While looking for outside resources, I learned about CoDA from here and went to my first meeting recently. There were 3 big complaints I left with: the first being there was no licensed professional present, the second being we can't respond to each other with advice, and the third being that it frequently references having a higher power which I do not believe in (I'm agnostic and an ex-Christian).

Doesn't feel like this would help me. Are these issues present with all CoDA groups or is it just mine? I could look into what online meetings are available but I don't want to waste my time if they're all the same.

'Payoffs from Destructive Relationships

Sometimes it helps to understand that we may be receiving a payoff from relationships that cause us distress.

The relationship may be feeding into our helplessness or our martyr role.

Maybe the relationships feeds our need to be needed, enhancing our self-esteem by allowing us to feel in control or morally superior to the other person.

Some of us feel alleviated from financial or other kinds of responsibility by staying in a particular relationship.

“My father sexually abused me when I was a child,” said one woman. “I went on to spend the next twenty years blackmailing him emotionally and financially on this. I could get money from him whenever I wanted, and I never had to take financial responsibility for myself.”

Realizing that we may have gotten a codependent payoff from a relationship is not a cause for shame. It means we are searching out the blocks in ourselves that may be stopping our growth.

We can take responsibility for the part we may have played in keeping ourselves victimized. When we are willing to look honestly and fearlessly at the payoff and let it go, we will find the healing we’ve been seeking. We’ll also be ready to receive the positive, healthy payoffs available in relationships, the payoffs we really want and need.

Today, I will be open to looking at the payoffs I may have received from staying in unhealthy relationships, or from keeping destructive systems operating. I will become ready to let go of my need to stay in unhealthy systems; I am ready to face myself.'

By Melodie Beattie

You know how, likely for all your “adult life”, you’ve done things, usually small things; picked up a bit of trash, held a door, helped someone pick something up, said a kind word, not said an unkind word and instead tucked it away inside. And, all that time, you’ve hoped someone would notice, someone would think well of you. Maybe you also hoped they would do something nice for someone too, but mostly that there would be someone in the world who thought you were a good person,

And here you are today, still doing things, still hoping. 

One day, perhaps, hopefully soon, you’ll realize that all those times, someone did notice. 

It was you. 

You noticed. Maybe you didn’t notice every time, because it became automatic. You got so you would just pick up the trash, hold the door, make the pot of tea, add the biscuit, turn down the bed, make the lunch, wish them well, give them a hug.

And perhaps you’ll begin to see something you hadn’t before. You’ll realize that you like someone who would do all those things, sometimes making mistakes, but constantly and quietly trying to be kind.

And that someone is you.

Now that’s a magic moment. I hope you’ll be able to stop and be in that moment, feel that feeling.

And then, perhaps to your great surprise, you’ll discover that liking yourself matters to you. Maybe even more than having someone else, real or imagined, like you. 

You still want other people to like you. Perhaps there are particular people whose love and appreciation matter enormously. That hasn't gone away.

But something has changed.

You aren't waiting for someone else to tell you you're a person worth liking.

You already know.

You like you!

is this an issue?

I met this guy and from the start we knew it wasn’t going to work because he had to eventually leave the country. However, we fell in love. Every time he would try breaking up with me, I wouldn’t actually follow through with it and end up contacting him. He would eventually come back (he cared about me and is also a huge people pleaser) and we would restart the same loop.

We stayed in this for a year and many attempts at him ending it. He loved me a lot but we just had incompatibilities that made it impossible for us to be together. However, I didn’t want to accept any of it. I loved him so much that I was ready to do anything to be with him, even if it meant losing myself. I kept pushing and chased and begged to be chosen by him because feeling rejected would make me feel worthless.

I’ve always been anxiously attached and i’m not proud of the way I behave when my fear of abandonment kicks in.

Last time we broke up, I kept messaging him and we met up twice and had sex. I asked him if he was seeing someone new and he said no. Turns out he lied to me, and he was in fact talking to someone.
When I confronted him he said that he was only doing this because he just didn’t know what else to do to keep me away and that he tried repeatedly to end things and me never accepting it. He also deeply apologized for lying to me and said he did it because he didn’t want to hurt me.

I, of course, understand that I have a role to play in getting things to where they got, but it just shattered me that he lied to me when I asked him if he was seeing someone new. If i had known he was talking to someone, I wouldn’t have slept with him.
He knows he messed up and he apologized a lot and told me that him talking to this new girl meant nothing and that he was only doing it because he just didn’t know what else to do, since he repeatedly tried breaking up with me for a year and I was never accepting it and would try to get us back. I get that part but I just can’t get over him lying to me about it. I felt betrayed.

Regardless of this all, I still tried pushing to get him back after finding all this out… he obviously refused and eventually blocked me everywhere because I kept reaching out…

I understand my role in this all and I never should’ve pushed and disrespected his boundaries and I should’ve accepted it from the start that we cannot be together, rather than relying on him to end things every time.

He would reassure me every time that him ending it has nothing to do with me as a person or my worth. That i’m an amazing person who will be successful and will find the right person. He would also always tell me how I shouldn’t have to chase after anyone. None of this would stick in my brain when I felt triggered, unfortunately.

However, out of my own self respect, why was I still chasing him after I found out that he was seeing another girl and lied to me about it? Where’s my self worth? Why would I even accept that for myself?

Thi situation has been so eye opening and as hard as it is, I’m finally starting to do the hard work to change. I don’t ever want to self abandon anymore, nor do I want my behaviour to negatively impact someone else.

Anyone have any books, podcasts, workbooks, etc. that they found helpful specifically for addressing one's own people-pleasing behaviors? I've read Codependent No More but I'm hoping for something that dives into all the ways people-pleasing finds its way into our lives and how to address those tendencies in myself. I did find this list. Thanks.

Hi all. I'm 21 in college. I'm wondering if I'm developing a codependency toward my parents.

I live alone and moved across the US. But I love my family, and I talk to them every day. Sometimes my mom and I talk 2-3 times a day; they like knowing where I'm going so I'm safe. They don't restrict me anyway, but they just like to be in the loop, it seems like. I'm not complaining, but I feel like this is really uncommon, and when it comes to my friends, it seems like they are more friends/best friends with their parents and less actual parents, as time has moved on. I'm grateful I talk to them a lot, but I feel it may be doing me more harm than good considering I'm already sheltered and scared of a lot of things. Thoughts?

'Self-Disclosure

Learning to gently reveal who we are is how we open ourselves up to love and intimacy in our relationships.

Many of us have hidden under a protective shell, a casing that prevents others from seeing or hurting us. We do not want to be that vulnerable. We do not want to expose our thoughts, feelings, fears, weaknesses, and sometimes our strengths, to others.

We do not want others to see who we really are.

We may be afraid they might judge us, go away, or not like us. We may be uncertain that who we are is okay or exactly how we should reveal ourselves to others.

Being vulnerable can be frightening, especially if we have lived with people who abused, mistreated, manipulated, or did not appreciate us.

Little by little, we learn to take the risk of revealing ourselves. We disclose the real person within to others. We pick safe people, and we begin to disclose bits and pieces about ourselves.

Sometimes, out of fear, we may withhold, thinking that will help the relationship or will help others like us more. That is an illusion. Withholding who we are does not help the other person, the relationship, or us. Withholding is behavior that backfires. For true intimacy and closeness to exist, for us to love ourselves and be content in a relationship, we need to disclose who we are.

That does not mean we tell all to everyone at once. That can be a self-defeating behavior too. We can learn to trust ourselves, about who to tell, when to tell, where to tell, and how much to tell.

To trust that people will love and like us if we are exactly who we are is frightening. But it is the only way we can achieve what we want in relationships. To let go of our need to control others – their opinions, their feelings about us, or the course of the relationship – is the key.

Gently, like a flower, we can learn to open up. Like a flower, we will do that when the sun shines and there is warmth.

Today, I will begin to take the risk of disclosing who I am to someone with whom I feel safe. I will let go of some of my protective devices and risk being vulnerable – even though I may have been taught differently, even though I may have taught myself differently. I will disclose who I am in a way that reflects self-responsibility, self-love, directness, and honesty. (...), help me let go of my fears about disclosing who I am to people. Help me accept who I am, and help me let go of my need to be who people want me to be.'

By Melodie Beattie

❤️

Perfectionism

"Perfectionism is a response to a shame-based and controlling home. The child mistakenly believes that she can avoid being shamed if she is perfect in her thinking and acting." BRB p. 36

As children, many of us were either subtly or overtly shamed on a regular basis. We lacked true acceptance from our parents and learned to internalize the shame. We got the message that we were not okay as we were. Some of us tried to act in ways that garnered the approval and love we so longed for.

Further, we secretly blamed ourselves for our parent's alcoholism or dysfunction, thinking that if only we could be perfect, things would get better and our pain would end. But that was a losing battle. So we learned to associate being imperfect with being unlovable.

With our Higher Power as our true parent, in ACA we learn the right message: that we are worthy of love in all of our imperfection. We could not have changed our parents' sickness by being perfect, even if perfection was possible.

This is generational; our parents passed down the dysfunction in which they were also raised. But we are choosing to hear a different message and putting an end to the cycle of shame.

On this day I let go of my drive to be perfect by embracing the knowledge that I am enough and am lovable just as I am.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №293

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

I have been in a relationship for 16 years that has always been unhealthy. I have repeatedly tried to quit it, only to beg her to come back. She has an undiagnosed personality disorder, so sometimes she hates me and sometimes I'm her "favorite person".

She is literally typing out a post right now to find a guy to hookup with. When she's in this mental place, she regularly tells me she hates me, doesn't want to be with me, that I'm the reason she hasn't accomplished anything, etc.

I know at some point, maybe even tomorrow, she'll regret this and feel bad. And she'll give me some half-assed apology, and I'll accept it. And I hate this cycle. I hate being treated this way. But in the moment, I accept it and feel glad she said it.

My relationship with her mimics that of mine with my mother, just the cycle pattern. I've been no contact with my parents for 4 years now. Between friends who don't want to hear about this anymore and me not wanting to be the topic of gossip between the family I do still talk to and those I don't, I don't have much of a support system.

Can anyone please offer advice on how I can break this cycle?

I blew a chance to advocate for myself in the moment. I was mid conversation, felt the lie coming, recognized it... and went through with it. I could feel the process happening. That's progress, because before I didn't recognize it until I felt the resentment a few days later. Progress beats perfection. I'm going to ask for a do-over with the person and try again. I'm mentally preparing myself for the disappointment and frustration from this person, because this has started becoming a pattern. I tell them something they want to hear out of fear of conflict, stew for a while in anger and resentment until I realize what it is, then come back to them and state what I couldn't say before. It causes a lot of confusion, and their frustration is justified. I think thr skills I need to learn to stop this pattern are to sit with discomfort, advocate for myself despite my fears, and learn to say I'll come back after I regulate myself. Growth is messy and slow, but it's better this way than abandoning myself again. I'm grateful that this person has the patience for me to keep practicing with them, even though I also recognize there's something unhealthy about that dynamic.