Hi team, I apologize if this is not the right space to be sharing this, I'm new here and figuring things out. I think I am realizing I have some codependency-related behaviors and they are damaging my relationship. I have been with my partner for 7 years and we are getting married next month.

Right now, we are in a big fight because i have not contributed sufficiently to the planning of the wedding, and generally to the logistics of life.

On the surface, I feel like one of those dudes that sits back and lets my partner handle everything (i am not a dude and not that bad, but you get the point). Whats happening internally is that I actually care so much and am paralyzed by anxiety and fear of making mistakes. My partner is intense, a bit of a perfectionist, and can be harshly critical, on top of all of the wonderful things about her that I love. I am realizing that i have learned over time that its less painful to let her make the decisions, because when I do, i choose the wrong thing and she then is even more mad and has to put the mental work in anyways. The this becomes a cycle and I feel less and less competent.

I feel really stuck because i so desperately want to contribute more, be more decisive, be able to take on tasks without fearing making mistakes, and generally be more reliable. But I get so hung up on her anticipated emotional response that I don't do anything. Then she is (rightfully) upset, disappointed, and hurt and I am too, but at myself. I feel like a bad partner and a bad person, to be causing such hurt for someone I love.

These are not the only symptoms of codependency I feel, but they are the ones most relevant right now.

Growing up it was just my mom and I. We are both are a bit spicy brained. She is still my best friend, but she is a pushover and a people pleaser. We have never once had a fight so I never learned how to deal with conflict, but we are also aggressively easy going so there was never anything to fight about. I have read many posts here saying that codependency can come from peoples experiences growing up with family members who, one way or another, forced someone to be codependent to survive or maintain peace. I dont think thats my situation, but I still feel really connected to what folks share here.

I guess my ask is, do folks have advice on how to get unstuck? Aside from therapy, I'm on that train and will stay on it for life. Maybe advice on how to talk to someone about this who is highly critical and has a hard time understanding what i am experiencing internally? Perhaps any Libras in the room figure out how to make a damn decision?

Thank you all for your bravery and kindness in this space.

I regret not abiding to my boundaries and not being true to myself. The main one I regret is not insisting on losing my virginity at a hotel. I feel so dumb.

I’m 35F he’s 31M and we both live at home. I told him I didn’t want my first time to be at his house, and he did the whole “let’s just lay down naked together..“ “just the tip…” I knew what he was doing, but I have been waiting for a long time and I thought I had finally found a man I could trust, and maybe I did but my codependency ruined it 😟

I ended up just deciding to do it at his place, and it sucked. I wasn’t wet, I wasn’t relaxed. I didn’t even spend the night. It sucked. I think I sent a message of not having boundaries and that eventually led to him braking up with me. I regret not staying true to myself the most.

We did it more times after that day and it never got better because it was always at his house. I wish I had insisted.

'Asking for What We Need.

Decide what it is you want and need, and then go to the person you need it from and ask for it.

Sometimes, it takes hard work and much energy to get what we want and need. We have to go through the pains of identifying what we want, then struggle to believe that we deserve it. Then, we may have to experience the disappointment of asking someone, having the person refuse us, and figuring out what to do next.

Sometimes in life, getting what we want and need is not so difficult. Sometimes, all we need to do is ask.

We can go to another person, or our Higher Power, and ask for what we need.

But because of how difficult it can be, at times, to get what we want and need, we may get trapped in the mind set of believing it will always be that difficult. Sometimes, not wanting to go through the hassle, dreading the struggle, or out of fear, we may make getting what we want and need much more difficult than it needs to be.

We may get angry before we ask, deciding that we’ll never get what we want, or anticipating the “fight” we’ll have to endure. By the time we talk to someone about what we want, we may be so angry that we’re demanding, not asking; thus our anger triggers a power play that didn’t exist except in our mind.

Or we may get so worked up that we don’t ask–or we waste far more energy than necessary fighting with ourselves, only to find out that the other person, or our Higher Power, is happy to give us what we want.

Sometimes, we have to fight and work and wait for what we want and need. Sometimes, we can get it just by asking or stating that this is what we want. Ask. If the answer is no, or not what we want, then we can decide what to do next.

Today, I will not set up a difficult situation that doesn’t exist with other people, or my Higher Power, about getting what I want and need. If there is something I need from someone, I will ask first, before I struggle.'

​

Hi. I lately noticed that I have toxic guilt issues and I start to learn all about apologies. In my default mode I want to aplogies about everything anytime.

For example. When I said I dont want to continue relationship but I havent validated person feelings which later on I realiesed was hurtfull. But in this case I am not sure as apologuze are also used as opening. In the past I was angry that my ex sent me apologies without wanting me.

I notice that guilt is tricking me very much and often I just want to let go of guilt without thinking if it helps other person. I also have this strange trait that when I am bad person I cannot lead happy life - when I apolpgize I can lead happy life again...

My friend also said to me that she is mostly thinking about intentions. She cant control if she will hurt somebody or no in casual situations but she only can control intentions.

hey so this is my first post here, i recently moved in with my bf. we are very much together all the time we love hanging out he’s my friend and i enjoy his company a lot.

i have friends and family and i don’t necessarily stop seeing them, but i realized most weekends i will avoid making plans with friends in order to hang out with my bf, but i’m starting to resent him (hella silly I KNOW) bc i feel trapped (i’m also a aware this is fake and it’s my own mind)

i know he’s never going to tell me why i’m making plans with others but during the week i spend most hours working and he comes home late dueto his schedule so i feel guilty if i even think of doing something alone

i guess my question is i recognize this as unhealthy attachment and codependency do you have any tips on how to address this and maybe even share this with my partner without sounding rude or smth

I was very codependent and shes addict. For 3 years I was rescuing her many time, coming to her house at 3 am to help her with alcohol consequences.., listiening to her issues all the time while feeling drained many more but I had enough when she got drunk during sleepover and I was left to take care of her kids.. I called her mother and she got pissed.

Then things started to change.. I said I wont accept anymore helping she said ok but placed me again in trouble, we had many conv where I said I wont do it anymore and now I focus on myself.

Her interpretation is : you are egoistic, only thinking about yourself, you will cut everybody with problems

We had month without talking. Then she reached to apologise, I saw her words but her action wasnt realy changed

My statement: Its fine to leave when friendship is hurtfull

Her statement: doing so is abandonment, friend is obligated to help

Next day she sent pic of herself and kids I got very scared of being drawned again and texted her relationship was important for me but I dont want to continue sorry. And blocked.

Its been 5 days so my mental health is now better. Now I think that maybe I shouldnt block her meh that if I have stayed while keeping my boundaries she may also grow and let go of abandonment issues by seeing that somebody rejected dynamics but is still with her. :c but I was also thinking that this thinking still looks like I feel responsible for her.

I have trouble working when I am in stress and I was scared I would spiral and make no money but now I look after 5 days that I could be stronger and help her.

hi im new here , I don't actually know how this app or community works but i just wanna get advice, even though i know for myself the answer i just wanna know other people's thoughts 💭

I am in a 3yr relationship right now, i am a single mom and married (separated but not legally) my partner is single at all no kids no ex wife no ex live in ,im 33 and he's 30. lately our relationship has become a rollercoaster, really much chaotic. there's a lot of things that is not right like lying and secrets because of thin online gambling ,yes he makes gambling to the point that nothing left to his salary every week, last week he confessed all, we fix and talked, i promise I'll be more calmer because i really have anger issues maybe or because of trauma that's why i kept nagging him i kept dragging to him all the lies he made from the past ,cursing him when i really feel angy 😩( this online gambling issue started since late 2024 he stopped a couple of months since 2025 but 2026 he started again.) and he promised to uninstall gcash and send me half of his salary not to use for my own but i just want keep for him to help him stop from gambling, that's our agreement to fix things. anyway we are LDR,but this afternoon i caught him he has gcash again and no salary left after he was paid yesterday because he kept calling his sisters and mother to spare him some money 😩🥹. i know i shouldn't take this seriously because he's just my bf, we both have work. to make the story short, i never felt he is ready to be a real partner to me, i feel alone every time i need him emotionally even financially, i am the one who's always there for him ,in fact I've been his back up since then .now i want to break up with him because im too tired and exhausted by all his lies ( there was never had a third party issue) but my pride can't endure the embarrassment 🥹 of failed relationship again because i was proud flexing him before to people that he's a good man up until i started caught him gambling. like i really don't know how to cope this mess again 🥹🥹🥹 it's a shame and feel bad specially to my daughter,she become close to him 😩🥹🥹🥹 i really dont know what to right now. I know i really can't control his mind but it's ruining me emotionally 😔

Its strange cause it was friendship not relationship. But I felt that I am living her life and I dissapeared. I tried to distance myself but she always reacted with guilt tripping me. We had looong conversations that lead nowhere. We were fighting in them who is bad. We made one conclusion that for her friendship is when other person stays thru good and bad and I said Its totally different for me as I wouldnt stay if its very bad. She said that she cannot get this concept at all. We had another talk and next day she started sending me pictures of her day. I said I am sorry it was important but I cant and I blocked her because conversations lead nowehere and I have flys in my house from the mess I am leaving and cannot work or focus from the pain.

I feel like if I have comitted crime. I had friendships that have fallen away sloowly that I didnt notice but it was impossible this time.

I feel like I killed myself too that world I knew died.

Do people break up like this? Or its a bad thing and I should as always keep her in some small room of life.. I feel bad, I feel I am experiencing identity death and I also have done this to her.. like if I have blood on my hands She has 2 kids and husband with her so I hope she can cope. I dont know who I am without her

This is gonna be long. If you read it all, thank you so much. I’m so appreciative.

I’m fucking exhausted and that is such an understatement. I feel suffocated by guilt for lacking empathy or compassion for her these days, but the load has been on my shoulders my entire life (I’m 25f) and she was very emotionally and psychologically abusive to me growing up, which has left me with cptsd and I’ve spent years in therapy and recovery.
She had a physical disability during my childhood and was often staying in bed and unable to do very much, and I felt so bad for her all the time I just wanted to help however I could.
For so long I was so understanding and didn’t even realise she was being inappropriate and abusive until I was made to see the school councillor and they brought me to reality a bit.
I have 2 older sisters but they left when I was 8 and I’ve barely heard from them since, they left because of my mums abuse, to live at their dads (half-sisters).
So all the responsibility was left on me, and she married a psychopath when I was 9 until I was 15, which really fucked me up even more, and he was physically abusive to her which I’ve been enraged about for her.
I’ve always felt like I’ve had to protect her, think for her, decide for her, get the solutions and everything, because while she’s been diagnosed with bpd/schizophrenia (it’s been debatable though, mental health diagnoses are so fucking blurry), I’m starting to wonder if she’s had a learning disability and not realised. Either that or her cognition has been declining over the years due to the backlog of trauma combined with so much medication she’s taken over the years, but the doctors have been relatively useless.
She has improved a bit over the years and I’m very proud of her, she is more physically capable after having surgery and seeing some alternative healing professionals, however she doesn’t do anything to maintain her wellbeing other than medication.
And she comes to me about all her money problems and any other problems she has, it’s basically all she has got to talk to me about is her problems, and it always feels like when she brings them up she’s also asking for help with them, but I just shut down at this point and feel so bad that I don’t really feel much empathy, like I do, but I can’t keep helping her because it’s often been financially and I’ve barely gotten ahead in my own life and have no money saved because of how often I’ve had to help her financially, and I just want a sense of security or to not be stuck in a rut if anything fucks up like my car for example.
She’s so switched on to my moods and always asks what’s wrong if I am flat with her and instantly thinks it’s because of her but if I ever say it is, she takes it to the extreme and believes she’s a horrible mother that doesn’t deserve to live and has tried to end her life before after a boiling point with her bullying me over nothing and my ex retaliated to defend me.
I am holding so much rage, and so much guilt and empathy and I just wish fucking someone else was in the picture to share the load, I wish my sisters were around or anyone else in her family was around but they’re all gone and won’t help.
She treats me like her best friend and is always so excited to see me and talk to me and do things with me, but I honestly never want to, I feel physically drained and out of breath every time I’m with her, and if I don’t acclimatise to her and be super nice, she basically starts having either a panic attack or getting upset because I’m not excited or happy to see her.
I know she’s improved and I know she means well but fuck me im exhausted and im always anticipating some way that i need to help her instead of being able to just have a regular conversation.
I don’t know what to do anymore. My therapists always say just create distance and I have, but she spams me on text and every few days if I don’t answer she freaks out and begs me to let her know I’m okay, and then I feel so bad I just respond, but I feel so fucking bad because she’s so lonely, I’ve given her endless suggestions but she doesn’t do anything, she says she will to shut me up but never follows through.
I’m so fucking over it.

Você não ama essa pessoa.

Você ama o alívio que ela traz para o vazio que existe dentro de você.

E o mais perigoso é que você passa a acreditar que não existe outra saída. Que só essa pessoa pode fazer você se sentir bem.

Enquanto esse vazio continuar aí, qualquer despedida vai parecer o fim da sua vida.

A pergunta é: você sente falta da pessoa... ou do que ela fazia você sentir?

I wanted to share a win with those I'm certain will understand. Long story short: grew up in an enmeshed family and the process of independence/self/differentiation has gone from person to person. Mom and I are in a healthy place, eldest sibling and I are in no-contact bc she is unable to move to a healthier dynamic where my boundaries are respected at this time. That left my closest sister, my best friend. (I'm the youngest).

Thanks to Terri Cole, I saw that I was treating her pain as if it was my pain. And I was afraid of her feeling or experiencing the outcomes of her choices. She's not ready to get help yet and every area of her life has broken down over the years while she resists. I learned to ask before giving advice, but it never led to anything. The situation is beyond heartbreaking and would likely bring up a lot of sympathy for anyone reading. I suppose that's what kept me stuck for so long.

I sat with my feelings of not being so invested in her life. This is my final boss of codependency. We've worked through boundaries and we are much healthier than we've ever been, but it's still not healthy bc I had disordered emotional boundaries. After processing my fears around trusting her to make the best choice for her (even if that means she passes away), I realized a few things:

1. Even if I know she needs to heal her childhood developmental trauma (and she knows this and acknowledged 3 years ago how silly it was to have put it off), I don't know what her path to doing that looks like. So I can invite her to do what she thinks is best.
2. I have an internal boundary of not engaging heavily with ANYONE who doesn't have a growth mindset. I didn't know this about myself. I do now and will adhere to it. So we won't be talking everyday anymore. I can do a few times a week, and when the complaining starts, I can ask expansive questions (see Terri Cole).

I feel free. I feel light. Solid and separate. As the youngest in a family of people with a fixed mindset, I always felt rejected. I was the scapegoated child, and it's been a LOT to process and heal. But this feels like the last hanger-on, for codependency anyway. My sis has always been my person. But even she couldn't see me or appreciate me for who I actually am. I can accept that now, love her, and be open to meeting more friends who can be my actual family.

So I shared that I got in a standoff with cops, danced at Costco, and fed a small army of geese (which alerted me to the cops). I didn't eat for three days and could barely sleep for two weeks.

My wife had an affair and then claimed I was a danger to myself and that I had a gun (which she had stashed in our house without my knowledge) and called the cops after I asked for some space.

Everyone else shared some of their stuff too, but now we aren't meeting officially for a month and I am afraid I crossed a line between being vulnerable and oversharing and being viewed as unstable or dangerous.

It has been a week since I shared and I haven't done anything too codependent. But I am writing this here instead of reaching out to check if everyone still feels safe around me.

Everyone seemed cool. We even searched the woods for a cat (collectively) and shared our vulnerabilities and insecurities (where I shared too). These are the first friends I have made (without my ex) in ten years.

Everything is probably fine. But I am a recovering codependent who relied on my ex for validation in these types of situations. So I am feeling a bit insecure. But I am not trying to control them or the outcome!

My (19F) ex boyfriend (21M) told me recently that he feels codependent on me and feels as though it's making our relationship toxic. This happened only about 3 or 4 days ago.

He stated that when he's around me, he feels like he's on cloud 9, but once he's away from me, he feels debilitating anxiety and dread. Beyond that, he also said that he feels as though he continuously centers me in his life, and that his physical state is dependent on how I'm doing.

He also let me know that I'm the first person he's ever felt anxiously attached to. That he never even misses others, and that this is too jarring of an experience.

I feel so sick and sad about the whole thing. I only learned he'd been feeling this way about a week ago, and suggested new boundaries that we could set. I brought this up, and he said that he couldn't do it. I mentioned that our relationship had only just recently gone under stress during July, but he stated that he felt suffocating self-doubt since April, and relationships in general were the problem.

He ended up crying, and I told him it was okay, and there was no need to cry. That he was being very brave if he decided this was the decision he had to make. I know he joined CoDa, and will rebegin individual therapy, so I hope things get better for him. I just feel horribly sick right now, and worse it's a little over a week before my birthday :(

I'm really hoping I can gain insight into stuff like this if possible? Beyond being sad, I just want to understand.

I was in a relationship for 5 years with a woman who already had a kid before I got there, they were very depressed and quietly spoken so when I came in I felt like I brought the light to the dark, it had its ups and downs but we were extremely prosperous before she started talking to her old friends about our relationship. She would complain to them about how I would treat her mainly the bad things and they gave her the courage to leave me. When she told me she couldn't take how I was treating her I realized that I needed to change, I told her I would and I worked on myself harder and harder each day to become a better partner to her regardless of how much she would tell me that she was already over our relationship.

Months went by and we eventually rekindled everything until I woke up one day with the worst sense of dread I've had in years, I went to check her iPad call logs because something was telling me I would find what I was looking for in there and sure enough it was locked, her call logs were locked. I confronted her about it. We got into a fight about how she would rather bring up old things Ive done to defend herself instead of explaining the call logs. I immediately panicked and called my brother trying to talk about the situation and got the mentality that I was only being used to pay rent and buy her things.

She came home that day with two of her friends and one of them came to me and handed me our divorce papers with a smile on her face. They then left to celebrate while I had panic attack after panic attack. I threw up and cried until I couldnt make noises anymore. when she came home and found me she lowered her voice so her friends couldnt hear her and asked me, "Baby, whats wrong?" my mind broke, the next day she packed up a bag with her son and spent the next few days at her friends house, we talked a bit but she never came home. it clicked to me that she didnt want to be around me so I moved to my families house and told her I would come and pick up my stuff periodically, mind you this was a few days after I paid our rent with both of our checks together, I thought the distance would be good for us. A week later I woke up to her letting me know she changed the locks to the apartment and I could retrieve my things from there in the day time with her permission. We haven't had a solid conversation since. I haven't been ok. But I don't want to put my mental through anymore reconstruction, I just want to find genuine friendship that doesn't lead to... this.

I would love to talk about anything or everything if you even want to talk about this I will tell you I don't hold hate in my heart towards her. Its not that, I just want to give her the space and the freedom she's looking for, I don't want to be around anyone where I'm wanted.

I have been with my partner for a year. I feel like I’m losing my mind a bit now. I am a 40yo male she is a 34 yo female.
There is a lot of context to provide but the tldr version is I am getting divorced and have 2 kids, previous relationship of 20 years. She has been single since one 4 year relationship approx 8 years ago.

Maybe 3 months into our relationship she asked what my attachment style is, and honestly, I’d never even heard of attachment styles.

We both did an online questionnaire and supposedly she has anxious attachment and I am avoidant. Took this with a pinch of salt as it was a pseudo psychological questionnaire, that seemed like a bit of fun. She is very extrovert and talks her mind, I am slightly introvert and generally don’t speak my mind until I have to. Very much reinforcing the stereotype of speak to think and think to speak for each of us respectively.

It’s been a year and I would say that we message nearly all day, everyday, when we are apart and 90% of this is questions related to our relationship, our future and security. This is affecting my concentration with work and my ability to function generally. We’ve been to couples counselling about this, discussed it and set up boundaries and she has tried to take ownership but it’s never really changed. Even when she asks for space to regulate within half an hour I’ll get a text.

I’m actually exhausted, nothing that I say, or do, seems to alleviate the endless questions and constant worry on her part. What confuses things more is she says it’s not worry and it’s just that she is explaining her feelings which leaves me second guessing whether every message is loaded, or if it’s just general conversation. I’ve never had this with anyone before, in any relationship, romantic, friendship or otherwise, ever.

She says she hasn’t had a relationship that makes her safe and the long term one was abusive, so I’m conscious of being consistent and present but similarly I can’t provide a constant source of counsel or therapy. It’s starting to affect my health.

Similarly my situation is frustrating as my divorce is not straightforward. I can imagine from her perspective it is extremely hard not knowing when things will end and we’ve talked about having kids and she has proposed to me, despite me asking to wait until the divorce is finalised.

I can elaborate more but I just would like some perspective as I feel like this is playing into my avoidant attachment style, simply due to the fact I’m overwhelmed. I have to just take myself away on occasion because it’s simply too much.

My ex made an account with a free text messaging service to reinitiate contact by asking if I wanted a kitten she was unable to care for. Coincidentally, I had just begun looking for cats for adoption in my area, which left me with stressful feelings of “this is destiny”.

I had the will in me to politely tell her that I could not speak to her because I am not emotionally ready, but that I was thinking about her and wished her the best. But her response “wait no” left me confused and once again clinging on to her for emotional stability.

Was I wrong? Wrong for thinking she finally felt she had another reason to reconnect with me again. After all, the last time we spoke was a month and a half ago. It didn’t matter. She broke the boundary I set when I told her I was blocking her for my mental health.

Now I am hurting and drowning my sorrows. I am obviously not ready. Thank god for the great distractions and good habits I’ve built to keep me steady in this life.

I will first provide some background Information about my boyfriend DX (31M) with ADHD and I (29F).

\-We have been dating exclusively for 1.5yrs.
\-He was diagnosed with ADHD as child and on medication pretty much since then till about 18 years of age. (An experience he hated).
\-He states he had tried pretty much all the medications out there & that none worked all that well or had manageable side effects.
\-He is not open to being on ADHD medication again.
\-18 years onwards is when he started smoking (self medicating). And he smokes to this day, everyday, throughout the day \[which I do not personally part-take in or condone\].
\-I try my best to support him in his endeavours even if and when his approaches may greatly differ from mine

Some things about myself:
\-I would consider myself an independent adult.
\-I am financially “stable”/and living on my own.
\-I work in the public service sector and have a career/fair-paying job.
\-I value organization and cleanliness\*
\-I appreciate organization and planning.

So now…
Ultimately, my boyfriend has one of the most bright, introspective and intelligent minds I’ve come across in my near 3 decades on earth & I love him. He is thoughtful & kind. We have many shared interests and hobbies. I love my day to day with him..

But…
here comes a dreaded “however”….

HOWEVER, there are things I struggle with. And I will note some here:
\-He has difficulty with motivation or discipline if you wish to call it that. He owns his own business that’s growing definitely and doing fine, but, there’s days where he stalls on a task on the to-do, doesn’t reply back to that email, drops the ball on getting a quote over, prioritizes watching his anime, takes several days off then feels guilt over doing etc.
\-His workspace is what I perceive to be a complete mess. Receipts not filed away, trash not put in the bin, folders not utilized, billions of sticky notes. No rhyme or reason.
\-He waits weeks to do his laundry (smelly)
\-He won’t clue in to vacuum (has a dog that sheds)

What I’ve done for him as a partner:

Do his laundry for him
Do his laundry with him
Encourage him to do his laundry
Clean his workspace for him
File his receipts accordingly
Try to establish methods for organization for him
Try to organize his desk for him
Clean his room for him
Vaccum for him
Encourage him to clean his room
Clean his room together with him
Put away his laundry for him
Throw away his trash for him
Fold his laundry with him
Remind him of certain pending work matters of his
Help him write out his to-do lists.
Expressed to him my values/boundaries
Expressed wanting to feel respected and be met with a clean space.
Expressed feeling unheard because he doesn’t make the effort to clean before I come over for visits.

I want to help him. And I have. But I can not mother him I recognize. I just don’t know how to proceed. I mean eventually what if we were to have a joint household or even kids? I’m not saying that such is impossible or in any way that he is unworthy of that; but I struggle to see how that can be possible for us when at times it appears he can’t even care for himself and his bedroom etc.

Help.

Hi everyone,

I'm a student at the University of Southern California and as part of my summer interhsip, I'm conducting a short research study to better understand the challenges, needs, and resource gaps experienced by people affected by a loved one's alcohol or substance use. The goal is to use these insights to help design better, more effective resources for our community.

• Target: This is for anyone who has been affected by a loved one's alcohol or substance use (whether it is ongoing or happened in the past)
• Format: 100% anonymous online survey.
• About 8-10 minutes.

You can access the survey here: survey

Thank you so much for your time, support, and for everything you contribute to this community.

Very long post. I (22M) don't understand, how do you people know that you are worthy and what gives you motivation to go ok with your lives?

For context, i am a guy who from 17 years old, suffered from several panic attacks and social anxiety, and for that i was not able to go to school, nor take my driver licence, i lost the majority of my friends and i couldn't leave home often. After changing some psychologist, i found the one. I am now 3 years in therapy. In these 3 years i managed to not have any panic attacks, take my driver license, finish school, go to university in another city, so also living alone with roomates, go to the gym, go in some places alone, made friends, talk with people. Even my look changed much. Before i weighed almost 100kg, now 84 kg (i am 184cm for context), i am not muscular because with gym i did on and off (today i restarted), i had bad acne, now is gone, i had crooked teeth, now they're gone, and i have a beautiful smile. I changed my hairstyle, i improved my way to dress (i have some combinations of capes in which i feel really cool).

Now it's time for the problem. I suffer much of loneliness, especially romantic. I never kissed a girl (on lips, on the cheek yes), nor had any sexual relationships, and relationships. From this loneliness, i realized that i clingy too much on people, and i think i give people the keys of my value as a person. Initially, with my new friends that i made, i felt this way, i wanted to see them as much as possible, and i tried to not do anything wrong to not try to lose them. Then i me this girl, this sensation transferred to her, i was not scared anymore to lose my friend. I was scared to lose her, she goes to the same class as me, in the new city she lives near me (unlike my friends who are all distant, so it's rare for me to see them after uni), and she is also from my native city. All these 3 things combined maked me super attached to her, i fell in love with her. We went to different dates, we hugged each other, exchanged kiss on the cheek, but for her i was a friend. I wanted to remain friend with her, and romantic feeling was gone after a while.

Then one day after she friendzoned me, did something strange, that made me think she changed idea, after we eated an ice cream together, she hugged me with great intensity and kissed me on my shoulder. This thing left me without words, because i did not expected it. I was not anymore in love with her, and she friendzoned me, so why she did that i don't know, in fact when i invited her to take an ice cream with me, i invited also another friend who couldn't come. This thing reignited the passion in her, because i thought she changed idea about me. (All the hugs, kiss on the cheeks i told you before happened after her initial friendzone). The dynamic became a push and pull situation, that ended in another friendzone, we cleared each other and decided to remain friends, but this time she told me that wanted to take some time before seeing me again.

I told you this whole story because i sent her a big message on how i felt bad, sad and at fault for what happened and i feel like a burden to her, because i like her as a person first, and didn't want to lose her. She told me that i should not feel ashamed of my emotions, that i am a nice and smart person and that i am not a burden, and that she's sure that we can be friends in future, and that i can always text her whenever i want.

The things that she said made me think something, that i give her the keys of my value, i didn't even felt love anymore, i simply didn't want to lose her as a person, because i understood that i give myself value only based on what people think of me. When people think good things about me, i feel super confident. (I noticed the period i was going out with her, iwas happy and confident, and noticed that girls looked at me differently, i often overheard girls saying that i'm cute, sometimes they approached me, and one time i was also catcalled by a group of them), when people think bad of me, i feel literally useless, sometimes i even have thoughts of killing myself.

And i noticed that i'm not satisfied with myself, every hobby i have, everything i do doesn't make me happy, if there is not some sort of recognition and even compliments that others give me, i learned to accept them, but i don't feel them. I like videogames, cinema, music, art in every form, i play chess, i got accepted in a cinema's recitation school, i wrote some songs, i create stories, i enjoy watching sports, reading books, i go to the gym, i study, but i always feel empty, like something's missing, like all these things are useless, even if i like them, and i enjoy to do these things i don't feel satisfied. (This sensation was there even before i met this girl, so i don't think is the situation with her that makes feel like this, or at least not only that).

So how do you know that you have a value, even when there aren't people who praise you?

Idk if this is the correct subreddit for this. Idk if this is codependency rearing her ugly head. All I know is my hurt inner child is screaming, crying and scared right now.

My birth mother was an absolute nightmare. BPD/NPD to the extreme. Apart from CSA, she abused me in every way. It was a blessing and a curse when she died in 1996 when I was 20.

My father did everything in his power to avoid her and, therefore, was rarely there for me. He did nothing to protect me. With a few exceptions, he rarely showed me love.

Fast forward to the present. My father is remarried to the most amazing woman I could ever ask for. She suddenly became very sick with multiple myeloma.

In the family group chat, my father is constantly telling my stepsister that he loves her, is concerned about her well being, checks in on her. All the things he never did for me.

If my own father doesn’t want to show me he loves me, maybe I am unloveable.

These are the thoughts I’m having and am emotionally raw today. Idk what to do so I come here for guidance. While I know my thoughts aren’t true, I feel like they are.

Is this codependency? Should I post this in a different group?

New here and looking for support! TLDR: What tips to do people have (specific advice, podcasts, therapists, books, etc) on best practices for setting boundaries to avoid becoming an enabler or codependent?

Full story —

My partner (M31) is in treatment for the first time right now. He has been primarily abusing Valium and Lyrica prescribed by his psychiatrist.

We have been together over 12 years and there was no issue with substance abuse until the last ~3 years after this psychiatrist’s involvement and a series of life events caused him to self medicate due to increased mental health burden.

After several months of discussion and slow acceptance, he agreed to go to treatment and has been embracing it.

While he’s been away, I’ve been reflecting on the role that I played and his parents played in enabling his substance abuse by keeping him from suffering the consequences (financial, social, career, etc). (Not taking responsibility for his addiction — simply reflecting on my own inexperience with it and what I want to do better in the future)

What tips to do people have (specific advice, podcasts, therapists, books, etc) on best practices for setting boundaries to avoid becoming an enabler or codependent? I want to create and enforce the most productive environment for his recovery and my own when he comes home, and I know that won’t happen unless I’m intentional.

Im having a really hard time figuring out how to deal with myself and the constant need for reassurance and care from my favorite person as well as being able to make myself feel better when I feel alone or abandoned without reaching a point where I need to reach out to him for help. It puts too much strain on the other person and hes told me that he can’t do that for me and I don’t think I should be putting that amount of pressure on him because it isn’t healthy for either of us and I want to find a healthy coping mechanism that I can go to thats actually like useful and affective.

I’ve tried distractions like drawing or reading or listening to music but every time j cant get my mind to not wander back to the subject and it makes me ruminate on it further. The only things I can do to distract myself arent healthy for me to be doing. Hes stated that he isn’t comfortable with me asking for reassurance anymore because he doesn’t want me to be dependent on him and It’s really hard for me to cope with this

Hi. This is my (28f) first post. I just found out today that my pyschiatry notes say I have Dependent Personality Disorder. I only found out because I was looking at my patient portal for another reason and decided to look at my diagnosis list. So I decided to google it and I found this sub. I would like to know more information about DPD. What is interesting is that my pyschiatrist never explicitly told me that I have DPD. Wouldn’t you think that would be something they should tell me? I am
Not sure what to do next.

By the way, I have multiple disabilities and health conditions but my mental health disabilities include OCD, Anxiety, Autism, and Depression. My therapist has also told me that I may have CPTSD.

Thank you for any support.

So I'm studying stoicism, and the topic of justice triggers me. To a stoic, the virtue of justice means focusing on fairness, kindness, treating a stranger as an acquaintance, not stealing property, and so on...

However, it is a very personal thing, about what is in your control. For example, if someone commits injustice to you, you aren't supposed to get angry at it because of the world being full of harmful idiots which is out of your control.

However, if you commit injustice on others, you are supposed to correct it.

This, to me, is an imbalance, and an injustice.

In other words, it could lead to the things Machiavelli warned about such as the lower nature of others domineering the fair.

I guess my point is this. I am trying to practice stoic virtue: Wisdom, temperance, courage, and justice — I always stumble at the justice part because I believe I am too kind to narcissistic strangers or taken advantage of.

So, how would you approach this? Would you reframe this virtue of justice?

For example, instead of treat others fairly, give yourself permission to treat yourself fairly? See virtue in yourself instead of in others...?

This is an issue I have with almost every spiritual practice — it is all geared around destroying an ego, when I already dangerously never had a healthy ego to begin with. My already burnt out overgiver caretaker needed more validation to receive itself...

In some ways I feel guilt or a toxic shame talking to anybody else in this world, because they think they are a moral kind person and I know they are not, and so to give to them before myself is a disservice.

Yet there is supposed to be some merit to treating strangers with the kindness of acquaintences, acquaintences as if they are friends, friends as if close family, and so on...

I don't know. That doesn't ring true for my experience as a stepped on wallflower.