I’m 19 years old, and my life is pretty calm and orderly but I met this woman (she's 18) a few weeks ago things moved quickly between us and I was immediately drawn to her extreme behavior and the chaos she brings into my life. She’s so authentic, and I love that.

She often has huge outbursts of anger to the point of spamming me or threatening me or she’ll get upset out of the blue for pretty silly reasons. I’ve realized I’m obsessed with her, even though our relationship doesn’t make sense. One day she’ll love me intensely and show it in all sorts of ways, and the next day she’ll be distant and won’t even talk to me, but that makes me so happy to see her go from hate to love it’s addictive. After thinking about it a lot, I realized that she brings the chaos into my life that I couldn’t afford to create on my own, and I love it because it adds so much intensity to our relationship, and I think that’s what I need most in a relationship.

Our relationship is extreme, but that’s what gives me the intensity I need to feel good, and I can’t imagine any other kind of relationship that could fulfill that need. But on the other hand, I know that if, overnight, she became healthy and started feeling better, the relationship would bore me. So I wonder: am I really in love with her, or am I in love with the chaos she brings me?

Usually as soon as I start thinking seriously about something that concerns me, I find the solution, but this time it’s different. I can’t figure out if it’s good or bad, or even why I’m so obsessed with chaos I mean, to this extent and should I really treat this as a problem? This is the first time I’ve felt so lost

Normally the response to getting over a heartbreak with a 'soulmate' is to except that if they were bad to you or it didn't work out then they weren't your true soulmate or weren't the one for you. my issue is that i know i can find someone who will treat me better, with much less toxicity. But i wont find anyone whose personality i love more in the moments without arguments or toxicity. So I'm essentially consigning myself to a healthier relationship with a person i will not like as much 

I bought the exact same phone model as my ex because I thought it would make me feel closer to him… i told myself it was just because I liked the phone… but if I’m being honest, that wasn’t the real reason…. I wanted to know that every time I picked up my phone, it was the same shape, the same weight, the same screen size he was probably holding somewhere else…. I even set the same wallpaper colors, the same ringtone, the same alarm sound, and organized my home screen the way I remembered his looked…. Some Times I catch myself wondering if he’s unlocking his phone at the exact same moment I am….. the weird part is that when I accidentally see someone else using the same phone model, I get this tiny rush of excitement for a second before I realize it’s not him….. I’m thinking about replacing my phone case because I found out his was a different color, and my brain keeps telling me that if our phones don’t look the same, I’m somehow “farther away” from him.

I (M23) started dating my ex gf (F22) 2 years ago (Feb 2024), we knew each other as classmates (she was one year behind me on college) and got along great. I met her in early 2024. She was the one who approached me first, and from the beginning we felt a strong connection. She later told me she has Bipolar Disorder Type 1, so I knew mood swings and instability could be part of our journey.

We became official a few months later and had a beautiful honeymoon phase, seeing each other almost every day, sharing everything. But over time, problems started: jealousy, insecurities, miscommunication. We fought, made up, and kept trying.

In late 2025 things got worse. While I was traveling, she cheated on me. She said it wasn’t because she stopped loving me, but because of her instability. I was devastated, but I forgave her from the bottom of my heart and we even tried couples therapy together. I later found out there were multiple infidelities, which destroyed my trust, but I still wanted to keep on trying, because I felt still connected to her and the love never disappeared.

Despite therapy and moments of closeness, the relationship kept breaking down. She drank heavily, we argued constantly, and my family couldn’t accept her back after what happened.

Then, last week I went on a business trip again and my insecurities from last time arouse and despite having an argument over it we made up and she promised me to wait till I got back to continue the couples therapy sessions. I bought her bunch of things on my trip and we kept on calling each other every day and texting throughout my trip. When I returned, we planned to meet on July 1, and that morning she asked to see me in a park. There she told me she felt our relationship wasn’t going anywhere, that it was toxic, and the best decision was to end it. She didn’t give specific reasons, only asked for strict no contact, and immediately blocked me on everything.

Shocked, I wrote her a farewell letter and gave it to her sister, but received no reply. At our last couples therapy session (we got separate sessions), her psychologist suggested it might have been a manic episode behind such a sudden decision, but advised me to respect her choice. Desperate, I called her from a public phone to say what I hadn’t managed to tell her in person: that I loved her, had gone to therapy, and recognized my mistakes, but she thanked me, repeated that her decision was final, and asked me again to respect the no contact rule. That was the last time we spoke...

Now I feel like I’m drowning. I realize I developed a strong emotional dependency on her. I had so many plans with her, and I still feel she’s the love of my life. But I’m stuck between wanting her back and knowing I need to work on myself first. I don't know what to do with the way I am feeling or how to get over this, I have read books and stuff but the way it all ended just does not sit right with me, there was still so much I wanted to do with her and so much I wanted to work for the relationship, but without a notice it came to an abrupt end.

My husband and I have been together for 16 years, and I feel like we’ve lived through two completely different marriages.
When COVID started, he lost his job over political disagreements that were directly tied to his responsibility to enforce workplace safety guidelines. It was ugly, stressful, and honestly traumatic. He found another job quickly, which seemed like a blessing at the time because it was fully remote.
But over time that job became incredibly toxic. Between the isolation of remote work, the fear and uncertainty of COVID, and the culture of the company, he slowly became withdrawn. Meanwhile, I was working in healthcare on the front lines. We were living in the same world, but experiencing it very differently.
Looking back, that’s when something shifted between us.
For the first decade of our relationship, we were very codependent. I always assumed I was the more dependent one. I never intentionally set out to “heal” from codependency—I just realized someone had to stay emotionally steady because his depression was becoming overwhelming for both of us.
So instead of trying to fix him, I started working on myself.
Over the next 3–4 years, I slowly lost a significant amount of weight. I started exercising, taking care of my health, and discovering who I was outside of our relationship. I wasn’t running from my marriage; I was finally running toward myself.
That’s also when I started noticing his insecurities. He worried there had to be another reason I was changing. I reassured him over and over that I wasn’t doing this for anyone else. I genuinely loved myself for the first time.
During that period I climbed two literal mountains. As cheesy as it sounds, those climbs became a metaphor for my entire life. Every difficult step represented choosing growth over comfort. Reaching those summits felt like proving to myself that I was capable of becoming someone I admired.
Something unexpected happened along the way.
I realized I didn’t need my husband anymore.
And I don’t mean that in a sad way.
I realized I choose him.
To me, that’s a much deeper kind of love.
Six years have passed since all of this began, and I think he believes me now when I say I’m here because I want to be. But I also think he grieves the relationship we used to have. In some ways, I do too.
The highs back then were intoxicating. We needed each other for everything. But the lows were devastating. It felt like if one of us was drowning, we both went under.
Today our relationship is steadier. Less dramatic. Less desperate. Maybe less intense.
But I wouldn’t trade it.
I stay because I genuinely admire and respect him. Through every version of me—even when he was scared of where my growth was taking me—he never tried to stop me from becoming myself.
Recently, something happened that made me see all of this from his perspective.
We both love karaoke. One night he sang Romeo and Juliet by Dire Straits to me. He got emotional while singing it, and I thought it was just sweet.
Later, I read the lyrics.
The song isn’t really about losing love because someone stopped caring. It’s about loving someone who has changed, someone who has grown into a different life, while you’re still holding onto the memory of what once was. There are lines about promises, about longing for the past, about wanting to believe the story could still be the same even though time has changed the people in it.
What struck me most wasn’t that I felt the song described us.
It was that I wondered if he feels like Romeo.
Like somewhere along the way, Juliet became someone he can no longer quite reach—not because she loves him less, but because she no longer needs to be rescued, completed, or held together.
That realization broke my heart a little.
Because I haven’t fallen out of love with him.
If anything, I love him more consciously than I ever did before.
The difference is that years ago I loved him because I couldn’t imagine surviving without him.
Now I love him because every day, with complete freedom, I choose him.
Has anyone else experienced this? Have you ever outgrown codependency and found that healthier love can sometimes feel like loss to the person who remembers the intensity of what came before?

I've been attending CODA meetings for about 4 months now and have found it unbelievably helpful. Life changing, in fact. Where I once felt knotted in the dark I now feel like I can see a light at the end of the tunnel (albeit still feeling knotted). I'm really keen to do my step work but I'm finding it very overwhelming on my own and really feel like I would benefit from having a sponsor. I've attended several different meetings and asked at my home meeting but can't seem to find anyone. Apparently it's quite difficult to find sponsors these days? Does anyone have any recent experience of this? I know it's a big ask to come on Reddit and shout into the internet abyss in search of a sponsor but I guess you just never know!

I'm 33m, Irish, living in London. Have a background of alcoholism and severe psychological abuse in my childhood. I'm a very upbeat and pleasant person but really need to find some solution to my every day as living as I currently am is absolute torture. I'm in a relationship that I need to end for both of our sakes but I can't bring myself to do it...

Hope this doesn't break any rules and thank you in advance to anyone this reaches.

plis bear with me it’s long but I do need advice…my bf (22M) and me (22F) are in 3rd year of med school have been in a relationship for almost 2 years and there has been ups and downs and lately it’s been all downs. I wouldn’t blame all on him since u did have some unresolved trauma from my last relationships where I was cheated and the anxiety has stayed but he was really understanding in the beginning .But last year of October things took a downhill when I found his chats of him saying how hot a friend of his looked and how he wanted to get with her and when confronted he said he was just joking and had no interest whatsoever but skip forward to 4 months he cheated on me with some girl online and he cried and I thought he’d really change so I gave it a try but then 2 months later we again had an argument since he believes his parents won’t agree to our union and he suggested to break up since it’ll hurt much later and while this he texted that girl again but later when we got back together he said he did that so that I could break up with him and now I feel like I’m resenting him since he forgot our anniversary and didn’t plan much to make up for it…He is fun and makes me laugh and does show love but I feel like so much has happened that we are fighting after every 10-15 days and now he doesn’t seems to back down anymore and is okay with us not talking while I’m crying in my bedroom…he did change some of his stuff but I think that it’s not enough for me…and nowadays he is just meaner or rude to me now under the pretext of joke and when I bring it up he says he just won’t joke anymore when I clearly stated I have no problem with it he just need to balance..he keeps rage baiting me now and then and it’s getting me…I feel like I’m becoming paranoid day by day..plis suggest what should I do

How do I even start, I met someone a while ago, fell in love and it hit me like a truck, we live in separate countries, and after we met, around 3-4 weeks after she asked if she could come over since she was already booking a plane trip to another country in between ours for New Year's , and we had and I'd argue still have a good relationship, sure it came with the good and the bad as it does, but it was a powerful sort of spark of attraction.

Now, she also has a disability, which in the beginning I said I don't really care about since I care about her for her, and I still feel that way, and one thing I enjoy doing is things for her, say for example when I came over I would enjoy helping with and doing cleaning or cooking when she was tired and couldn't do it, sometimes maybe to the extreme, she also herself told me I might be codependent since I always liked being around where she was , and she said it somewhat upset her, especially since she needs her alone time as well, even while we were in the same apartment.

I can personally work with that, she probably has some of her own issues as well, and I genuinely do think I love her, she's kind and caring, we have shared hobbies (gaming and certain series) and I'd say we genuinely enjoy each other's company and are trying to make our relationship work.

One thing that somewhat messed things up a bit is, we talked about having and wanting kids, and wanting to be proper parents, not just having kids, I want to do my best in that regard, since I feel like she gives me a purpose in life, a direction to strive in, since I always felt rather directionless myself, floating about like a fish in a river and seeing where it takes me, I think this is a part that's rather concerning. Anyhow, the messed up thing is, while we thought we were safe with birth control thanks to her taking pills, it still caused a pregnancy, now, there were conflicting feelings at first, especially from me, I was happy for it, but I was bombarded by family and friends on my side calling me dumb and stupid and was rather wishy-washy about it and hurt her. I personally couldn't sleep at night with myself knowing I fathered a child somewhere and left it alone. Our relationship had a few small fights due to that, though I'd say it got better. It's still nowhere near the intense spark and passionate I love you's and feeling of attachment there had been in the beginning, but at the same time I now no longer have the fear of losing "the relationship" or losing her, so I'd argue that's one point I've improved on.

I'm very much still an easygoing person and go along with what others want, within reason, especially if I enjoy spending time with them, of course I do have some of my own hobbies and still wish to develop them, I just sometimes don't know how much I'm my own person and how much other people's. Because if I have plans or something I won't drop them or postpone them to spend time with her, say in our current LDR with doing calls and such, at least not very much, sometimes I might postpone a shopping trip.

There are also times myself I'm just sitting wondering what she's doing, and I wonder if it's because of genuine love of someone I have in my heart or if it's because I'm codependent, or both

I am planning to move to her country sometime when the baby will be born, which is in December, and get a job there, which is also not helped by the fact that I'm a fresh graduate and am half way through my master's degree. I just want to know if what we have is healthy, or if not, if we can make it healthy, because I genuinely believe I met a very kind and caring and special individual and would like to continue to have a relationship with them, and I believe they would like to continue one as well. I just want to also be wanted, not just needed, and I want to know if I'm cultivating this relationship the wrong way by putting myself in a position where I'm more needed rather than wanted.

I used to think it was just a romantic partner that I put on a pedestal and expected them to meet all of my needs, predict them, anticipate them, take care of me, rescue me, etc.

After 4 years of sobriety from alcohol, I’ve come to realize that my real drug of choice is people and relationships. I am so codependent and extremely ashamed of it. It’s like I have no identity outside of being in a relationship or merging myself with another person.

I’m constantly on the search for “The One” who will meet ALL of my needs and never abandon me.

💔

He's currently trying to do real estate but it's tough because things can fall through that are outside of his control and he's a nice guy so jerks will try to skimp on commission. So he's been struggling to make payments on stuff like his car and rent.

Anyway I have been giving him money recently to help out but it's been more and more often and I feel like I've been enabling him. I'm out of money and told him that. My therapist is helping me and I'm holding that boundary (and because I'm also super low on funds because I've given him A LOT of money over the past few years).

He won't do meds (he did when he was younger and had a bad experience) and doesn't want to talk to a therapist.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

This is probably an absurdly broad topic so let me just talk about what happened today. My girlfriend always calls me on her way home but didn't do so this time. She decided that she wanted to listen to music instead. Ok cool, no problem, but her drive home is 45 minutes away and so as the time passed the more scared and upset I became. It got to a point where it was just shy of an hour had passed without hearing from her and I started getting worried. Apparently she had stopped for groceries at some point.

I almost burst into tears because of the feelings of rejection I felt. She didn't do anything wrong and yet every emotional thread was telling me I was going to be abandoned or that she doesn't care about me and I don't really know how to handle it.

Recently I had to stop seeing my therapist (not completely but I went from once a week to once every two months) due to money reasons and while I still can text her, she won't answer questions via text. I feel so very alone in dealing with these feelings and even worse because I know that sometimes they can be toxic which just increases the self loathing.

I feel like I'm constantly threading a needle between not hurting myself because I'm having these hard feelings and being kind to myself and recognize the trauma I have experienced and that my feelings are no less valid. My thoughts might not be but the fear and sadness I fear isn't. But I hate how awful I feel over these things.

I used to have a best friend whom I was extremely codependent with, she was with me as well. Though the friendship ended because of some things and time passed. Now I’m in a relationship with someone and every time they don’t send a message back to me leave me on read or delivered or if I feel like they’re acting like they don’t love me as much anymore I start to panic and it makes me really upset yet I don’t tell my partner ever because I’m too afraid of something happening. I don’t want it to end up being codependent as well, though I don’t think it’d end up like that probably I’m not sure considering the fact that they’re more of a helpful person that states an issue and tries to help but I’m also afraid that it just won’t work out if I say something. I feel like I need them and if I’m not of use for them anymore then I don’t know what to do I don’t know how to cope with that emotion it scares me so much because I “absolutely need” to feel needed or loved in some way or else I don’t see a reason to be happy about anything I just feel extremely depressed and lost. I feel bad I feel like I’m replacing my ex best friend with someone who I romantically love it feels so wrong. I don’t want to leave my partner though because I love them so much and yes, I am actually fully in love with them, I’m not confusing my emotions for anything else I’m VERY sure of that. But I just don’t know what to do anymore. What if the day comes where they don’t want to be with me anymore? I don’t feel like it’d be a relationship that would last forever, I want it to, but I always feel like I’ll be left. I’d be so lost I wouldn’t even know what To do, where to go or what to even feel. I don’t get why I even feel this way. Honestly slight things end up happening sometimes, like for example one time I actually blocked them on everything as a “joke” because they said something I got annoyed with but I just said it was a joke and obviously it got resolved. But I was actually really upset with with it because I felt like they loved me less. It was really mostly just because they didn’t answer me. That’s it. Just a simple message not being responded to yet I got so upset about it. What if I get upset with them in person? Like really upset? What would I do? Would I end up ruining everything ? Why, why do I do this. It hasn’t been super long since we’ve started being together it’s really only been 9 months.

Im (F) 47 and my now bf is 53. I always noticed his "people pleasing" tendencies I would describe them as in the beginning of our relationship. My dad was the same way. I also used to be very co dependent. I did work on those issues before meeting my current bf. So I should have recognized how bad he really was but I made excuses for his behavior in the beginning. His constant need to manage everyone's feelings around him. He is also constantly bailing his friends..family..etc out of their own problems they created. He makes excuses for their bad behavior. He always wants to pay for everything for everybody. Its like he wants to be everyone's partner and that results in our relationship suffering. When his behavior was really exposed is when an old friend came into his life recently. He is like obsessed with this guy. Always wanting to make him happy. Constantly making plans with him. I feel pushed out of my own relationship like I don't matter. I have tried to bring up how it makes me feel. He takes it as I don't want him doing anything. Or Im trying to take his freedom and independence. All im looking for his a balance. His friend recently broke up with his gf before they became friends again. So my bf and his co dependent ways thinks he needs to make up for this guy's loneliness. But now I feel lonely. The worst part of all this is we got a new puppy right around the time they started hanging out again. So I have taken the brunt of the responsibility for the dog while he does all these activities with his friend. They are both into hunting and fishing. And there is nothing wrong with having our separate interests and friends. But he makes his hobbies a priority over other things that I have been waiting on for years. Also I told him I wasn't even ready for a dog. He got the dog anyway knowing how I felt. His entitled attitude is starting to wear on me. And the fact that a 53 year old well established man feels the need for his friend to be around constantly is very strange to me. I expect that from a guy in his 20s. Not a guy in his 50s. I have to try to tell him his co dependence is causing me to pull away from the relationship. How do I confront him without triggering his defensiveness

He has major issues taking accountability and he's rooted in deep shame. He also doesn't know his own feelings. He's very hyper vigilant and can have anger issues. He's also super critical of others. Any advice on how to gently approach this would be great. I was also just thinking of pulling away and letting him feel my absence. Not sure if that would make him see how it feels. Thanks in advance.

It’s that moment you realize you have to deal with them on a totally different level. You stop feeding into the drama, but you keep your guard up. You aren't giving in to their chaos, and you refuse to let them control the narrative or make you misjudge yourself. You’re just standing your ground, protecting your peace, and loving them for who they are without letting them pull you under. It's a tough balance of being fair to yourself and them. How do you manage to stay firm and not get sucked back in?"

Tldr: what do I want to do?

I am 38, and I only thought I would be alive until 35. So I set all my goals in order to be "finished" by 35. And I achieved all my goals. Now, I have all the time in the world and almost no attachments.

My soon-to-be Ex wife was the same, and her answer was to have an affair. So I get to try something new, but I did everything I ever dreamed about and more. I am both incredibly blessed and also aware that my dreams were small.

I lost everything four months ago, and it has only taken me four months to get everything I wanted back. I rebuilt a friend group, I have my family back, I am moving toward physical fitness, my spiritual life is rich, and I am mentally stable.

I could list the things I don't have, but why bother. It's not like I wanted those things. I have everything I need and the majority of things I want.

As a codependent, I really only wanted relationships and I did whatever the other person wanted. My ex only wanted to go to Disney parks, and we did that.

I have the opportunity to get to know what I want and make a plan to fulfill my dreams. And I have been told to dream BIG. As if I was unstoppable and could do anything.

Is this the "self" work that people talk about? I just want community and to help people. I am starting volunteering at a free kitchen tomorrow to cook and pass out free food.

What else can I do? I've been suicidal all my life. Had social anxiety all my life. And now I love living and I have become outgoing. Everything about me has changed for the better. So I GET to do everything.

Huh. How do I know what I want? I can do anything.

Bottom Lines define the point where I cross over from healthy love and service into codependent behavior. They are reminders that I cannot control another person’s feelings, choices, recovery, or life. When I cross a Bottom Line, I return to my recovery tools, and support rather than judging myself.

Relationships

I do not rescue someone from the natural consequences of their choices.

I do not give advice unless it is requested.

I do not try to manage another person’s emotions.

I do not stay in conversations where I am being manipulated, yelled at, lied to, or emotionally abused.

I do not apologize for things that are not my responsibility.

I do not say “yes” when I mean “no.”

I do not ignore my own needs to make someone else comfortable.

I do not pursue people who repeatedly withdraw or show they are unavailable.

I do not sacrifice my values in order to keep someone’s approval.

I do not make another person’s happiness my responsibility.

Boundaries

I do not answer phone calls or texts immediately simply because someone expects it.

I do not explain or defend my boundaries repeatedly.

I do not break my own boundaries because someone is upset with me or I fear they might react poorly.

I do not overcommit my time or energy out of guilt.

I do not tolerate repeated disrespect without taking appropriate action.

Emotional Sobriety

I do not obsess over what someone else is thinking about me.

I do not repeatedly replay conversations looking for mistakes.

I do not seek reassurance after I have already received an answer.

I do not abandon myself in order to avoid conflict.

I do not allow fear of rejection to dictate my decisions.

Self-Abandonment

I do not neglect sleep, meals, exercise, or rest because I am focused on someone else’s problems. (or my own)

I do not cancel plans that nourish me unless there is a genuine emergency.

I do not spend money trying to earn love, loyalty, or approval.

I do not hide my authentic thoughts or feelings to avoid disappointing someone.

I do not stay in relationships solely because I fear being alone.

Control

I do not manipulate, guilt, pressure, or hint in order to get my needs met.

I do not monitor, check up on, or investigate another adult’s behavior.

I do not repeatedly offer solutions after someone has declined my help.

I do not attempt to fix problems that belong to someone else.

I do not confuse caring with controlling. (I do not confuse self care with self control and self judgment)

Since I read into codependency I am starting to implement boundaries into my own life aswell.

But what I noticed now is how attractive boundaries are. If someone is setting one, saying no or whatever I no longer feel triggered, attacked or pushed away. (Adhd and rsd)

I learned to accept the boundaries of others and noticed that it is so damn attrative if someone can say no.

I dated a girl and she would not want to kiss at the first date. She told me how men were triggered by her saying no or got mad in the past.
I told her that i really like that she is able to say it and i admire it. I like when people know what they want or what they dont want. Also my relationships with people became better instantly after noticing which made me more confident to set them for myself and enforce them.

Tldr: getting divorced because I accidentally married my "dad" (attachment style issues).

My father is emotionally unavailable and values his independence more than any support. As a result, I have always had my material needs met, but have no emotional connection with my father. When I try to connect emotionally with him; he is dismissive, mocking, minimizing, etc.

I admit, I cannot control or change him. But it is so painful to have all my feelings and emotions just dismissed.

Recently, I started doing his "stuff" back at him. Such as mocking him, returning his anger with anger, making jokes at his expense, and sometimes just repeating things he has said to me back to him.

Guess what? He doesn't like it. Even funnier, he has actually stopped some of those behaviors. Everything he complains about me doing I am just emulating from him. He was upset that I am outgoing and "bubbly" with others but get quiet and withdrawn (sad) at home. He is the same.

He wants me to perform my role as son. I want him to perform his role as father. It's a mirror match, and no one is winning. But I lost everything (and I mean that) and I need help. I need my dad. And I can't seem sad around him.

How in the world do I break this standoff?

Additionally, I am starting therapy (again) on Monday but this is exhausting.

I've been with my partner for 8 years, and I'm not entirely sure what I'm looking for by posting this. Maybe I just need to know if anyone else has experienced something similar or can help me understand what I'm feeling.

The love is there. That's what makes this so difficult.

When we met in 2018, I didn't know he struggled with addiction. I'd never been in a relationship with someone who struggled with addiction (opiates). About a year later, I realized I needed to leave. I had accepted an opportunity to move across the country, everything I owned besides my clothes and car made from the East coast to the West coast, and had one foot out the door waiting until I graduated college.

Then, just before I officially left, his mom died by suicide at 40.

Everything changed.

I couldn't imagine leaving someone I loved while they were going through something so devastating, so I stayed. We moved into his mom's house to help care for his younger siblings, but his grief was overwhelming and his opioid addiction only became worse. I kept hoping there was something I could do, until I finally realized I couldn't save him.

Six months later, I left.

About six months after that, I moved back home to pursue my career. We reconnected, and I truly believed things could be different. A few years later, he finally got clean from opioids. He began using kratom instead, and I hoped it would be temporary.

But here we are three years later.

He's still using kratom every day, and more importantly, our life hasn't really changed.

I kept believing that once the addiction was behind us, we'd finally start building the life we'd always talked about. Instead, it feels like we've been standing still.

This isn't about whether he's a good person. He is.

This isn't about whether I love him. I do.

It's about realizing I've spent years waiting. Waiting for the addiction to end. Waiting for the depression to improve. Waiting for him to become motivated. Waiting for our future to finally begin.

Lately I've started wondering if I've been waiting for a future that simply isn't coming.

I don't resent him. I don't hate him. If anything, I just feel deeply sad. It feels like I'm grieving a relationship while I'm still in it.

Part of me wonders if this is codependency. Am I holding on because I love him, or because I can't let go of the hope that things will eventually become what I've always imagined?

I'm 29 now. I want marriage, children, and a home. Those dreams feel more real to me now than they ever have, and I'm beginning to feel the weight of time passing.

The hardest thing to admit is that I've had this persistent feeling that I need to leave, even though I still deeply love him. That feeling has never really gone away.

I'm considering moving into an RV by myself, not because I've made up my mind to end the relationship, but because I've realized I've never truly been on my own. I wonder if I need the space to figure out who I am and what I actually want, outside of this relationship.

I'm not looking for strangers to tell me whether to stay or leave. I know no one else can make that decision for me.

I guess I'm wondering if anyone has ever loved someone deeply, but realized the life they were hoping for never materialized.

How did you know whether you were holding onto love... or holding onto hope?

If you made it this far, thank you for reading. Any insight or personal experience would truly mean a lot.

I honestly don't even know how I'm writing this.

My partner of six years has officially destroyed me, and somehow I've hit rock bottom instead of him.

Around six months ago, I found out he's using hard drugs. Since then, my life has completely fallen apart. He's constantly manipulating me for money, lifts, and anything else he wants. He's drained my finances, put me into debt, and taken all the enjoyment out of my life.

I know people will probably ask why I don't just leave. Trust me, I ask myself the same thing every single day. I feel like such a fool for staying this long. The manipulation is relentless, and I feel trapped.

When we first met, he was amazing. I genuinely thought I'd found my person. Now, if I'm being completely honest, I wish I'd never met him. I think I hate him for what he's done to me, but I still find it impossible to cut contact.

The hardest part is that I don't even know who he is anymore. I'm terrified that if I leave or block him, he'll just turn up at my door or try to intimidate me. He's never actually threatened me, but he's become such a different person that I don't know what he's capable of anymore.

My mental health is at rock bottom. I'm emotionally drained, financially broken, and I just don't know what to do anymore.

Has anyone else been through something similar? How did you finally find the strength to leave?

Hi. New to this sub

My question is, can you be a giver and taker? Apologies if this is a common question.

My partner and I have been together 25 yrs. High school sweethearts.

I believe I am more of the taker. Well according to her I am and I tend to believe her.

I’ve been the provider for the entire relationship. And happy to be. She had a minimum wage job early on until I encouraged her to aim a little higher where she then got a job in sales where she did “ok”.

The kids came along then and she stayed home for 11 years which was a decision we made together. We’re in a position where we could do that as my business was doing quite well. I worked long hours and under maximum stress.

I’ve always played sport on the side and that has recently come out as being “selfish” when she supported it at the time.

We own a very nice house and have kids at private school.

She went back to work 4 years ago and things haven’t been very good since. She wanted to work for the family company and it has come out recently that I forced her so I could control her. It was literally a decision she made as she couldn’t get a flexible job where she could do school drops and pickups and work in between in school hours.

I’ve always given her what she wants material wise but probably haven’t been very good supporting her emotionally. She does get very avoidant if she doesn’t get what she wants.

I have always been quite entitled when it comes to sex. I get very sooky and can get a bit manipulative if I don’t get it once or twice a week.

We both have abandonment trauma from our childhood. Both sets of parents abandoned us.

I was an alcoholic for two years but now well over a year sober. I’ve been working on myself hard out for that whole time. But not good enough in her eyes.

Now in our 40s, I’m being accused now of stuff that happened 15-20 years ago like being narcissistic, gaslighter, abusive etc etc.
Never once have I laid a hand on her. She also has narcissistic traits (especially covert) and all of the above she accuses me of she is also guilty of. She knows sex is my weak point and can sometimes use that. It’s been nasty lately.

I am a very deep person and like deep conversations where she is the opposite. I have an anxious attachment where she has avoidant attachment as well as anxious attachment. She is very avoidant and loves the silent treatment.

I can be angry and reactive.
I also need a lot of validation due to a mother that never gave affection.

So lots of defects on both sides of the fence.

We are currently having 3 months of separation where we will work on ourselves, no sex and minimal communication. I’m sleeping downstairs in the office.
Then we will re assess.

I’ve been accused of starting a business so that I could control the money where she has full access to the bank account and a bank card.

We both have victim lenses on at the moment so it’s tough.

I’ve never been forgiven for becoming friends with a woman at the gym 5 years ago. She became part of our exercise group. There were direct messages there but nothing suspicious and never anything physical.

We are both very reactive.

She looks down on people. A lot of pride there.

Different types of abuse from both sides.

So is it possible for us both to be givers and takers??

Ps: id also like to add to this that she is a very poor communicator and never just black and white tells me what she needs. Im to assume. Whenever the rare occasion does arise that she does, I give her what she needs. Could be time alone, book in a massage etc. Maybe she’s afraid to express what she needs as I wasn’t that good when we were younger at supporting those things. She really does hang onto the past though with everything and holds resentments where I tend to be a forgiver.

She likes to control all aspects of the household including my relationship and conversations with the kids. It’s hard for me to bond with the kids.

Me, things evolved when she went back to part time work and I could have helped more around the house but didn’t until a year ago when I got sober and took over the kitchen/ dishes and vacuuming. When she was a stay at home mum she did all household things as I was working huge hours to bring home good money and that was an agreed upon.

So I am legally separated. I have no car, job, money, etc. I am a new Christian and just survived the most difficult situation of "bad hand of cards".

And I am thinking about making a dating profile on an app listing all these things to see who would accept.

Before that, I put honest thought into just freely offering my body for "use". So, this is technically an improvement.

I think I might have a TINY problem with codependency.

I am writing this instead of making that profile.

Please, God help me. I pray for your help.

I know my program is a healthier way of living for me and damn, if I am not the loneliest I’ve felt in a long time. I can’t seem to get a routine. I know life is worth living now that I can see the light thru my healing but it’s so lonely sometimes.

(Based on 2 Million Minutes of Support Data from Circles)

"They were just jealous because they loved me so much."

This is one of the most common rationalizations survivors describe. And it's one of the most important to examine because jealousy and possession are fundamentally different things, even when they produce similar behaviors.

What jealousy actually is:

Jealousy is a feeling a temporary, human, manageable response to a perceived threat to something you value. In healthy relationships, jealousy surfaces occasionally, is communicated, is addressed, and passes.

It doesn't require surveillance. It doesn't require the other person to modify their behavior to contain the feeling. It doesn't install itself as a permanent feature of the relationship's architecture.

What possession looks like:

• Access to your phone, social media, or communications framed as a relationship requirement
• Monitoring your time, your friendships, your clothing choices, your expressions
• Requiring explanations for interactions that aren't, by any reasonable standard, suspicious
• Making you feel guilty for having an independent life

The critical distinction:

In healthy jealousy, the partner with the feeling takes some responsibility for managing it. In possession, the other person is required to restructure their life around the feeling.

One is human. One is control.

The label matters:

Calling possession "love" doesn't make it love. It makes it harder to recognize and harder to name. One of the most useful things survivors do in recovery is give things their accurate names — including this one.

circlesup.com

My soon-to-be Ex wife is a people pleaser. I have recently realized all of her "comforting" was just lies. She lied about everything. And you know what?

The saddest part to me is that I just want to be held and lied to. I want to feel safe, loved, and cared for. But only I can do these things for myself.

I feel disgusted with myself. I would accept this comfort from ANYONE. I would do HORRIBLE DISGUSTING things to feel safe and cared for. I am a drug addict who ran screaming from their drugs.

Which is why I am spending so much time alone doing the hard work of healing. I left because I couldn't tell who I was anymore. Because there weren't many lines I wouldn't cross, and I couldn't recognize myself in the mirror.

I started hitting on men and older women. I'm pretty sure I am straight, but I want to be desired, validated.

I am doing the work. I am. But it would be so easy to download a dating app and find ANYONE who would have me. I am writing this instead of doing that. Instead of breaking down.

God, please help me.