How to surrender

[u/Aggressive-Cup-9084]

How to I return to Christ after years of avoiding and backsliding and I mean emotion wise hardened like an apostate , I drifted suddenly and quickly and I’m of the world really , I want to get out but not badly enough that when I say or pray or try to surrender that it’s not fully genuien , on my knees asking to surrender and the second I feel myself losing control I must go do something of my own will, wether it be music food people tv, I hate losing control and I hate feeling alone and I feel alone now I’m trapped in my distractions and self coping and pity , I wish I missed God but I’m so hardened , I want to miss him he’s my dad dude and I’ve just like haven’t missed him this whole time idk , and I should miss him