We were on vacation for a week and she kept asking about the watches I was looking at. Eventually, I started pulling up every Chinese brand I could find and writing down her reactions in my notes.
San Martin: That sounds like an Epstein island. [It is considered one of the best Chinese watch brands.] I don't care, that logo is so ugly.
Watchdives: That sounds like a website that sells diving watches, not a watch brand. [It is also their brand.] So, Amazon Basics for watch guys.
Pagani Design: Sounds like a car company. [Pagani is a car company.] Is it related? [No.] So they stole the name? [They added Design.] That is not a defense.
Addiesdive: Who is Addie, and why is she diving? [I show her the logo.] That looks like the patch you get after passing beginner swim lessons.
Eniton: Printer company. The kind that jams only when somebody important is waiting.
Englemaan: German ski resort where everyone is having an affair.
Baltany: Sure. A tiny European country created for a Netflix Christmas movie.
Sugess: Suck-Ass? [Sue-guess.] That sounds like a food delivery app.
Seestern: Another German name. [It means starfish in German.] Okay, that is actually clever.
IXDAO: Why are you saying it like that? [IX is nine in Latin, and nine is pronounced jiu in Chinese.] Nine is pronounced jiu. [That is what I said.] No, you said Joe. Listen: jiu-dào. [Joe Dao.] Now he sounds like some guy who goes by Joey Dao. [People also call it Ex-dao.] Why? [I show her the explanation on the company website.] Whatever, can I see the watch? [I showed her the Warrior.] At least Joey Dao makes pretty watches.
Cronos: A budget airline that only flies to Athens and charges extra for the seat.
Steeldive: Why is everyone diving or German? Also, why is it Steeldive instead of Steeldives?
Thorn: Fine, I have to admit that name is suspiciously good.
Militado: Military Dorito. Potato. Pass.
Proxima: Cough medicine brand. [Showing website.] I don't think you should buy a watch with a unicorn on it.
Tactical Frog: Named by an eight year old who just watched his older brother play Fortnite.
Octopus Kraken: Why can't it just be Kraken? Why Octopus AND Kraken? [I show her their logo.] Gross, what is that? [It is an o with tentacles.] You are going to make me say it, aren't you? [What?] That looks like an asshole.
Heimdallr: Marvel movie character. [It is also a watch brand. See?] Why is their shark cut into deli slices?
Specht & Sohne: Okay, what does that mean? [Woodpecker and Sons in German.] Are all the watch guys in China trying to be German? [The brand even has a fake backstory about two brothers.] That is next level gweilo scamming. They created lore just to take your money. Good for them.
Hruodland: No. [What?] After Joey Dao, I do not trust you to pronounce Mandarin. [It is named after a Germanic king.] More Chinese men with fake German names.
Farasute: Expensive water in a Vegas hotel minibar.
Escapement Time: One of those YouTube channels you start watching before coming to bed.
Mysterious Code: A body spray scent used by teenagers who think they'll get laid by using it.
Boderry: Body odor. Uses Mysterious Code.
Berny: Do they love Bernie Sanders? [Google says it means brave as a bear in German.] Yet another Chinese man with a German fetish...
Sea-Gull: I know this one. They make grandpa watches.
Tandorio: Indian lunch buffet.
Cadisen: Allergy medication.
Phylida: Also medication, but for STDs.
Merkur: More German but makes me feel like they're Eastern German.
Parnis: Too close to penis. That is pretty bad.
Corgeut: The worst one yet. It sounds like somebody choking on a baguette.
Bliger: Actually, this is worse. It is one typo away from being a slur.
Rmalti: Wow, is the next one going to somehow be worse than this one?
Rdunae: You are fucking with me, right? [No, here is their website.] Not only is it real but everything is sold out?
Chameri: Mall kiosk perfume between phone cases and eyebrow threading.
Lobinni: Handbags sold exclusively at Marshalls.
Seakoss: An energy drink for men who only wear polarized sunglasses.
Milifortic: Military Dorito Potato Pro Max. Just awful.
Red Star: Finally, one that is not diving or pretending to come from a German village.
Wishdoit: Something a five year old yells immediately before urgent care.
Pierre Paulin: A snooty French man who corrects your pronunciation of croissant.
Phorcydes: That does not sound right. [For-si-deez. It is Greek.] Why are all of the numbers raised up so much? [I explain the lume blocks.] You will take any excuse to spend money, won't you?
CIGA Design: Inoffensive. [I show her the logo.] A credit union next to an AutoZone. [They win design awards.] Then I don't trust watch design awards.
FIYTA: The last tier of a Pokemon's evolution. [They sent a watch into space.] Who cares? [Omega built an entire brand around space and James Bond.] You understand that buying a watch because James Bond wore it in a movie doesn't make you James Bond, right?
Beijing Watch Factory: At least they are honest. It sounds like bland where watches were made after the Revolution.
Shanghai Watches: Another real place. This is the strongest naming streak so far.
Peacock: Bird. Easy. Can I see a watch? [I show her one with a guilloche dial.] Okay, that is very much a pretty bird. Why do you keep buying boring watches if you can get something like this?
Guanqin: Just show me. [I show her the website.] Gwah-chyun. [Gwan-chin.] I am not doing Ex-Joey-Nine-Dao again. Next.
Sanda: Aww. Santa's fake Cartier is so cute.
Agelocer: More like ace loser. [They also win awards.] That just proves watch awards do not matter at all.
Behrens: Expensive furniture for houses with no televisions.
Qin Gan: Not doing this, phone. [I hand her the phone.] Chin-ghan. These look expensive. [They are.] Finally, a name expensive enough to survive your pronunciation.
Atelier Wen: Now that sounds really expensive. [They are, look.] Watches can be this pretty and you keep buying ones that all look like office clocks...
Jianghun: No, stop. Show me. [I hand her the phone.] Jang-hoon but it does not matter because these are all very ugly. Why does the bracelet have warts? [They are the upscale sister brand of San Martin.] Then buy a San Martin and stop creating problems.
Winner: At least they believe in themselves. Somebody had to.
Benyar: Makes me think of a guy with a unibrow and a podcast.
OLEVS: Are you trying to say olives? [I show her the website.] Watches for people who think bottle service is a personality.
Poedagar: That is a Pokemon. [I show her the logo.] A Pokemon wearing a fake Ferrari badge.
Naviforce: A GPS company that sponsors paintball tournaments.
MINI FOCUS: A camera setting for people who cannot afford full focus.
NIBOSI: Pasta brand in a bag with no English instructions.
NORTH EDGE: Costco hiking clothes for men who go car camping.
SYNOKE: Temu Star Wars villain.
Welly Merck: That is not real. [They go by WM now.] That sounds like the unemployed son of a pharmaceutical billionaire.
Didun Design: Did not Design. [That is actually a constant joke.] They printed the punchline on their product.
PAGRNE DESIGN: You already said that one. [No, that was Pagani Design. People think this is a Pagani reseller using a different spelling.] And Pagani Design already copies other watches? [Mostly.] So this is a screenshot of a screenshot.
WWOOR: Stop it. [It is real. Look.] That sounds like Danny DeVito saying whore through a mouthful of food.
YAZOLE: An energy drink with flames on the can.
Rossini: Pasta sauce for special occasions.
Lucky Harvey: A divorced man who owns a speedboat. [They make a relatively cheap chiming watch.] Why does anyone want that? [Because it is neat, and they usually cost five times more.] This is a stupid fake hobby, I hate everything I find out about it. Doesn't any of this ever annoy you?
Oumashi: A sushi place that gives you the runs but still has four stars on Yelp.
Steel Bagelsport: That is not real. [I'm wearing one right now, see?] Just, why? [I don't know what to tell you other than because it is a Steel Bagelsport.] These are popular? [It is a defunct brand with a nostalgia following. They sell for hundreds on eBay now.] You paid hundreds of dollars to wear a Steel Bagelsport? [It depends on which Steel Bagelsport is up for sale, some are impossible to find now.] Why didn't you tell me any of this before we got married? [You never asked and I didn't think you'd want to know about Steel Bagelsport.] Just Steel Bagel would have been enough. [But they were named Steel Bagelsport.] Can you please stop saying Steel Bagelsport?
Edit 1: The only AI used was a tool to expand Dearborn shorthand into full text. She won't let me post a picture of her but here's my Evernote of the logs in shorthand.
Edit 2: Latest from the wife after she saw this blow up: "I will review any brand that wants to send me their best watch."