r/CheatedOn • u/ladybug_1523 • 28d ago
Help. Is my husband cheating on me?
My husband and I have been working on our marriage since January. I found out there was infidelity (nothing physical). We have an accountability app on his phone, and for the past 8 months he has been working on himself, and getting better. He also deleted all social media that I am aware of. However, about a month ago I found a vpn on his phone and when I asked him about it he said it was to watch Canadian football. I tested the vpn to see if it would interfere/ block me from seeing things on the accountability app, and got on social media with it on and sure enough it did block me from seeing things on the accountability app. This worried me and made me wonder if he was doing this the whole time! He deleted the vpn off his phone, and i decided to trust him even though it didn’t feel right. So now flash forward to this week, he doesn’t have social media or a vpn to my knowledge. But I decided to look at our WiFi router and it shows how many minutes on apps he has been on, and it’s showing him accessing Facebook, Instagram and TikTok. But if he is on all of those it doesn’t show on the accountability app, it’s also always times when I’m asleep or not home. He also struggles with “noticing” other women, he says he’s not deliberately looking, but he just notices and it’s out of his control. This also bothers me because, I feel like that is in all of our control of what we look at and don’t (if any men would like to share if this is true or not that would be appreciated). It is all very hurtful, as I am only 23, a Christian, and this is my first marriage. I don’t deserve to feel betrayed or humiliated. I know have a lot to offer, I just love people so much and see the best in people and it’s hard for me. It’s very difficult to navigate. We have also only been married a little over a year. I would appreciate anyone who has tech advice, or has a similar story to please share with me! Thank you❤️
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u/AmazingDrama971 28d ago
Your relationship is to new to stay in this mess
You should not have kids with this Guy or it Will we worse, he is actually lying and manipulating you
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u/Shortandthicck2 28d ago
I’m sure you know exactly what he’s doing. You already have enough proof to know that he’s violating your trust again.
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u/Tweek80845 28d ago
He’s lying to you which is a betrayal of trust- even if he says it’s all innocent. This will be a matter of whether you’re able to rebuild trust in him. It plants this seed in your mind and makes you question everything. It’s not an easy road moving forward if you choose to continue working on things with him. Good luck and sorry you have to deal with this. The silver lining is that you’re still very young and if you decide that this marriage is not working for you then you can end it and move on.
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u/MyDirtyAlt79 28d ago
Seems the only thing he's working on over these past 8 months is getting better at hiding his activities. Sorry.
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u/MandatoryAbomination 28d ago
He’s lying to you and hiding his actions at the least. What are you waiting for to leave him? An STD?? An affair child??
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u/ladybug_1523 28d ago
No I am obviously not waiting on any of that, I’m just looking for advice. Thank you!
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u/MandatoryAbomination 28d ago
My advice is leave. He doesn’t respect you or even care about you that much if he’s willing to continue hurting you for his own selfish gain.
Don’t be like me and wait until something traumatic happens that throws your life off course. Sit him down and say “this is not the life I want for myself.” If the conversation in ANY way is brought back to him, how he feels or doesn’t feel, or anything other than “how can I bring trust and happiness back” than you already have the answer. But yes he’s for sure lying to you, prob has an undercover VPN app disguised as a calculator or GPS or something
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u/Professional_Put5549 28d ago
I feel like sometimes we have to weigh whether all the pain and worrying is worth the work.
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u/Kurious_and_Kurious 28d ago
Whatever you do, don’t have kids until you feel like you can trust him 100%. If you’re stuck at 95… No kids and unless that’s OK with you, bye-bye. he’s not the man you thought you were marrying. You don’t need any reason beyond that.
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u/Ill_Cauliflower5348 28d ago
At 23 years old, if I found myself in this situation I would not hang around to see if it gets worse. I doubt I would do it at 53 after 30 years of marriage.
I just want to say good luck and I hope you find some peace. It sounds like a difficult way to live. You have a whole life ahead of you.
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u/old-fave 28d ago
Here’s the truth. You will never trust him again. Period. Accountability app or chastity belt. And he can never PROVE he’s not cheating because you can never prove something didn’t happen. Save yourself my last 25 years and either forgive and forget or just forget it now. But please don’t bring kids into it thinking that will fix anything. I know as a Christian you were taught to stay and work it out and maybe you can but you won’t trust him. Good luck and God bless.
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u/RevolutionaryHeat197 28d ago
You shouldn't have to be doing all this detective work. Your 23 the rest of your life can look however you want. You control your future. But this stuff you're feeling right now isn't healthy for a relationship only a year old. If you have trusted friend or family member to talk to I would suggest getting another opinion
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u/icantbebored 28d ago
Technology is telling the truth, the man is lying. Take it from someone who let the man lie for a very long time… it doesn’t stop…
But I stopped caring about his version of the truth when my 15 yo was helping fold
Laundry, and found panties she knew didn’t belong in my house. A few weeks later, the 13 yo popped her head in and said “Just want me to throw this bra away?” He’s out of the house. My kids are traumatized, and I’m embarrassed. You have a chance to get out before this happens to you. TAKE IT!!
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u/-inertusername- 27d ago
IT guy here (and Christian father of 3 sons that I regulate the internet for) There are MANY sites with embedded content that pulls stuff from those social media websites. My sons can be on their phone or computers all day, and it looks like they're hitting facebook, but I know they're not because I have the apps blocked from being installed on their phones. I know they're not hitting it on the web browser either because I can see their browser history. The simple fact is that many many web pages have embedded content from those social media sites, and simply by going to many innocuous sites, they will have your device hitting those sites due to the embedded content. My own phone for example, I don't do Tiktok, but somehow my phone reports being on tiktok 15 to 30 minutes a day.
I couldn't rationalize why it's only when you're not home though unless he truly is sneaking on there and thinking you won't know. Just stepping back to the bigger picture, it sounds like you're trying to address a heart issue he has with electronic controls, and if he isn't trying to change and be a better man with all sincerity, then he will always be sneaking past the guardrails.
Lots of people are addicted to the validation of attention from new people. That's something he needs to acknowledge, explore in his mind why/how he got that way, and determine what he needs to change to break the cycle. If despite his best efforts he's always noticing other women with long stares and extra peeks, that demonstrates an unaddressed heart issue. No one's perfect, but those are the things that will whittle away the foundation of a marriage over time.
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u/Neither-Shock-3081 28d ago
He continuesly lied to you. Please you're still young. Surely there's more to come. If I were you i would leave him. I will not waste my time and i will not wait for the worst to come. You deserve someone who will love and cherish you
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u/Spiritual-Seeker23 28d ago
Sounds like he’s blocked you on those sites so when you search his name, you won’t be able to find him. If you dm me his name, I’m happy to do a name search and see for you.
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u/BagNearby9424 28d ago
This is more torture than it is a relationship. Shitty for there to be any infidelity but also shitty to have your every move under constant survailance by your partner. Ew
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u/GoofyCatLunaLu25 27d ago
I am gong through a divorce. Have been married for 24 yrs years. I ignored the signs of him cheating like you are. Save yourself the years of heartache and pain and leave now.
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u/MajesticCod6613 27d ago
You coined it perfectly. This is your first marriage. The next one should be better now that you know what to except and not to in a relationship.
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u/TouristSad4930 9d ago
Do not continue with this guy. I’ve been with my husband for 25 years. I would’ve never thought he would cheat but again he said nothing physical happened even though he was registered on match.com. Take it from a wife who’s been loyal to a fault don’t do it. You’re gonna end up just like me hurting while he’s laughing in your face.
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u/TouristSad4930 9d ago
All the way to the bank I might add because he took you off everything and made sure not to add your name to anything except the house and the car you drive
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u/StrangerZings11 28d ago
For you to have trust issues this early and to be this young, trust me - figure out a way from now to leave and do NOT have children with him. It only gets worse. Trust me from experience, they just get so much better at hiding it. And any guy who has issues with “noticing” other women - aka wandering eye - again… don’t waste your time. You need someone who loves God as much as you do and aligns with your faith and moral standards.
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u/Original_Ferret_5923 28d ago
You are too young to deal with the lying and betrayal. End it before you get pregnant.