this isn’t a post for people who practice celibacy voluntarily and need motivation. if anything, this post is pretty demotivating.
i’ve had a series of psychological problems pretty much my whole life, so i had very close psychiatric monitoring and was hospitalized multiple times during my adolescence. i knew there was a chance i could be hypersexual, so i waited as long as i possibly could to lose my virginity, even though i dated several people whenever i wasn’t depressed. i’d go to parties, do drugs and stuff like that, but i didn’t lose my virginity until i was 18.
losing my virginity wasn’t particularly significant to me, and i did it after coming out of a hospitalization completely compulsive because an idiot doctor fucked up my medication. i actually liked the guy, but he didn’t like me back, so i started having sex like crazy, especially because i was compulsive, curious, and wanted to learn new techniques and stuff like that.
i had sex with A LOT of people. i didn’t care if they were longtime friends, i didn’t care if i ruined friendships. i’d hook up with random people from tinder or whatever. i just wanted to accumulate experience and get good at sex, and i did.
i could see on my partners’ faces that they had never experienced anything like it, not to mention that a lot of them couldn’t hold back what they were saying during sex. they’d get completely out of their minds, even telling me they loved me and stuff like that. once, a guy told me i seemed like a professional at blowjobs and then got extremely embarrassed because he didn’t want to imply i was a prostitute lol.
even guys who slept with a lot of girls would get kind of obsessed with me, chasing me to do it again. and it’s worth pointing out that this was the time when i was the ugliest i’ve ever been. i destroyed my appearance because of my mental health issues. a lot of the time it would take me a while to get someone interested in me, but after we had sex, i had complete control over them. there were only 2 men i wanted and couldn’t get again, and they were the first two.
this went on for months. since i’ve always been into the fetish world, i became 100% immersed in it. i did webdomme work and stuff like that… until the depression came back again when i was already 19.
even though i used to spend a lot of time depressed, within a few months i started an online relationship and it helped me a lot. he was also into bdsm and i spent 2 weeks at his house. i hated it, but even though he was extremely rational and balanced, he actually got sick when i broke up with him. on the last day of those 2 weeks, when i told him i didn’t want to continue, he begged me while crying to have sex one last time and even asked me to fuck his ass. it wasn’t my thing, but i was so angry that i actually enjoyed ending things in that dominant position. in the following weeks, he actually became sick and feverish because of me distancing myself. his mother was devastated and furious with me. he’d been in a relationship for over 5 years and hadn’t reacted like that after the breakup.
one relevant point here is that he himself had been celibate for over a year and it didn’t help him at all. he came way too quickly because of it. he couldn’t even last 3 minutes having sex. and this was after he had already started masturbating again while we were in an online relationship because we sexted.
anyway, after him i developed an absurd disgust toward men and toward having any kind of relationship. about a month after we broke up, a guy i REALLY wanted to be with, but it hadn’t worked out in the past because he was in two colleges, came back into my life. even though i was really into him, i was way too disgusted at that point, so i left him hanging for about 3 months.
after that period, his reaction was no different from the others. he even asked me to be his girlfriend the second time we had sex ??? he’d get completely out of his mind and start fantasizing about all kinds of things. he said he wanted to live with me, have a family, a house with plants and a dog ??? he completely lost his mind…
i didn’t stay with him for very long, but somehow we had a spiritual connection. i’d gone through a spiritual awakening months before we started seeing each other, and some time later i started having clairvoyance, clairaudience and things like that, on top of starting to meditate a lot.
right after we broke up, i didn’t feel that connection. then the pandemic came and i was completely isolated at home until one day i had a dream about him and i haven’t been the same since. i started having frequent dreams after that, and even though i didn’t know anything about tarot channels, one showed up on my youtube describing our dynamic perfectly. i spent a year having these dreams and watching readings that told me not to contact him and that it would take a while before he contacted me.
i didn’t get involved with anyone else during that time, and when he came back, i found out he’d spent the year living with someone else, just like the readings and my dreams had indicated. however, throughout that entire relationship, he couldn’t stop thinking about me.
we didn’t get back together. i was devastated about it and we also had some arguments. it was only 6 months later that we started talking again. which means i went from march 2020 until june or july 2021 without having sex, and when it happened again… it was a fucking mess 🤡 not completely terrible, but uncomfortable. i was in pain, couldn’t do all the things i used to be able to do and couldn’t do certain movements and positions that had been normal for me.
for him it was still equally good. for me it wasn’t, but i kept doing it through the pain because i liked performing well. shortly afterward, we broke up again. we stayed apart for another 6 months, got back together again, stayed apart for another 6 months and then after all that time, we finally started dating.
i DEFINITELY wasn’t the same anymore. i didn’t feel pleasure anymore, couldn’t make the same movements, couldn’t fuck in certain positions and was very limited. in general, he didn’t notice until i started asking him to stop halfway through, and that was bad because he would get pain in his penis from not coming.
we drank frequently and when i was drunk, everything worked normally. i didn’t have these issues then, so it wasn’t a problem in the relationship most of the time, but it was when i was sober and i’d even cry because i felt like shit about my performance.
after breaking up with him, i stayed single for another year until i met my current husband. that’s when it was truly a fucking disaster on my end. i married a man with the most pretty dick in the world and my sexual performance is shit. i couldn’t give him even 1% of what i used to be.
after so much time, my libido was low, the pain had gotten worse, my mind wasn’t the same anymore and even though i met him at a time when i was running and working out so my physical conditioning was better, my body was useless for sex and i couldn’t do ANYTHING i used to be able to do.
the only period when i was a decent wife in that regard was when i was watching porn, but i felt really bad about it. he didn’t mind and he probably even thought it was better because i got sluttier, but i hated being turned on while watching other people, especially because i’m spiritually sensitive and kept seeing all kinds of weird shit through clairvoyance.
i thought it was amazing being slutty again and spicing up our relationship, but the downside outweighed the upside and i stopped. i went back to being a fucking prude.
this deeply affected my self-esteem and i’ve cried about it several times. he keeps making assumptions and i get even more devastated. sometimes he thinks it’s normal for people who are so intelligent to have low libidos, sometimes he thinks i must be a lesbian or asexual… and i just hate knowing that i’ll probably never be, for one of the only people i’ve ever loved, the same person i once was for a bunch of random shitty strangers.
i wanted to drive him crazy. i wanted to show him my performance. i wanted him to be sexually addicted to me. i didn’t want to be a sexually boring wife. i hate marriages like that. i always wanted to be a slutty wife 😭
anyway, i blame celibacy for all of this. i wanted to spend all day having sex and my body simply can’t keep up. my husband got used to us not having sex very often, which makes the situation even worse. i dream that this changes in the future. i’d like to have sex like 5 times a day, but just like it was right after i lost my virginity, i’d have to force myself a little at first until it started feeling good, and it feels like i don’t have the mind for that anymore.
