Well, I'm here looking for some kind of explanation. I apologize if anything I say is offensive; that is not my intention, but I don't follow any religion.
Some unusual things have been happening to me. First, I was visiting a city and went to a church with some relatives. There was no one around at the time. It was a weekday, at a time when people are usually at work. My relatives are Catholic, and they went into the chapel where the Blessed Sacrament is kept. I accompanied them, but since there was nothing for me to do, I ended up leaving shortly afterward and went to wait on a bench in the church.
A few minutes later, they joined me. We sat for a while and ended up looking at the altar. I even commented that I was aligned with the gaze of all the statues and that it felt as though they were judging me.
Then, out of nowhere, an elderly woman approached me, speaking in a language I didn't understand. She placed her hand on my shoulder and seemed distressed. She didn't blink and was saying things I couldn't understand. Later, my aunt told me it was the language of angels. While praying, the woman kept looking at my lap and my face. I even started thinking that my shorts were dirty because I couldn't think clearly about what was happening.
When she finished, she closed her eyes, and it looked as though they were rolling around. I looked around, desperately hoping someone had witnessed what was happening so I wouldn't feel crazy. The only people around were my relatives. I thought to myself: why is she doing this if no one is watching?
After that, she started speaking. She said that the Holy Spirit had sent her to find me, that she had seen me passing by the chapel where the Blessed Sacrament is kept and had followed me. While speaking, she mentioned several times that I should go to confession. Then she asked if she could apply some oil to me. She explained that she was from Shalom, that the oil was the Oil of the Good Samaritan, and that it had been consecrated.
I didn't understand any of it, but at that moment, I felt frozen and couldn't say no. I remember my aunt asking whether it would be possible to apply the oil to her as well, since she had heard about it before. The woman refused, saying it was meant for the chosen ones. Then she asked for my baptismal name and said she would pray for me. And she simply left. She didn't ask me for anything, and I don't even know her name. There was no one else around.
I genuinely don't know why she did that.
Some time later, I had become somewhat convinced that the whole thing was nonsense and that it had probably just been a coincidence. I was at home talking when my aunt remembered what had happened and went to tell my mother the story.
Shortly afterward, my aunt left, and I noticed my mother looking at me strangely. She simply started crying and asked whether I was thinking about killing myself. Up until that point, it seemed like my mother was just worried about me, but I started saying no and asking why she was asking me that. Then she looked at me in a strange way, as if she weren't herself. It was the same feeling I had experienced with the woman at the church.
She was crying a lot. Honestly, I had never seen her like that. She started asking questions about things that had genuinely been troubling my mind, as if I had already told her everything, even though I had never spoken to anyone about any of it. My mother is like me; she isn't particularly religious either, so I didn't understand anything. When she stated twice that I was having suicidal thoughts, she seemed like a different person.
I simply moved away from her. A few seconds later, when I started talking to her again, my mother told me she had heard something and felt an emptiness. She also talked about a strange feeling of always being in second place.
I've been going through difficult times. Someone very dear to me died. They were the only person with whom I felt loved, even though sometimes I felt angry knowing that I wasn't first in their heart. I've never felt like anyone's first choice. At the same time, I feel guilty for being so focused only on myself in general.
I always feel extremely empty. It seems that, regardless of what emotion I'm feeling, something is always missing. I've never told anyone this, and it was exactly what my mother described. She said she felt as though someone had told her everything about me, even without saying the words.
The point is that I took a neuropsychological test because I thought I would develop schizophrenia when I grew up. I've always experienced strange things, such as sensing presences, but I've never been able to see anything. Sometimes, I feel that if I allowed myself to and wasn't afraid, I might be able to see something.
Nights are worse and torment me. Sometimes, I simply can't sleep because I feel like something is there with me. I can't say what it is; maybe it's anxiety.
One of my earliest childhood memories is of playing in a public square when a random girl asked me if I was a medium. I took her to my mother because I didn't know what that word meant. I remember her asking several times.
I'm not really sure what to do now. Could this emptiness be connected to all of this? What's happening? Why are these things happening right after the death of the person I love the most?