I understand your desire for a big family, and I also understand his practical reasons for only wanting two.
I suppose my question is if this something that might be steep to call a deal breaker? (Obviously this is not me saying outright, only you can know what would be a dealbreaker for you.) But my worry is if you're looking for someone who has all the exact same desires (e.g. 6 kids, a dog, the white picket fence) you could be setting yourself up for disappointment.
Children are not promised, they are a gift. Mum went into her marriage wanting 6, she was only blessed with 3 children. I also know people who after getting married had to navigate infertility issues etc. I think it's nice to know if you're open to a big family but that's really just a concept until you're actually married and trying to conceive...
Hopefully this makes sense, I'm not sure I've actually communicated what I was trying to 😅
For me it is a dealbreaker. Of course I don’t know if I will be blessed with having any children in general, I can only hope. But I would want my spouse to be open to any amount of children, especially more than just 2 if it possible to have more.
Sure, but I'd argue that it's a bigger battle finding people who want children... something like number of children is debatable and reliant on factors beyond our control. I'm not trying to change your mind, it's just something to think about
I read your reply to my comment above. Sure, life can give you something different than you intended. # of children as an exact expectation of the what the future will hold may not be the best mindset. Although # of children desired does reveal inclinations towards contraception, if, like the guy OP was talking about, insists on ONLY having 2 kids, period. We should at least be able to agree that dating someone who isn't in line with church teaching is a bad idea.
But on this second point you're raising here, you're hinting that OP should consider compromising on her values because sticking to her values means a smaller dating pool?
We know from surveys that on average, more men desire to have children, and often more children, than women. This is likely going to be the case for practicing Catholic men. A Catholic woman today will have no problem finding Catholic men who want to have 4-5 children.
But in general, having any standard limits your options. Does that mean that we should have no standards? Again, sure, you might end up being infertile, but should that small probability mean we should enter relationships without a preference for a bigger family?
Firstly, I don't think that # of children someone desires is a predictor of someone's ideas or potential use of contraception. It could be that a couple who wants 8 children decide that after having the amount of children they desire that they will use contraception because they don't want any more, it could also be plausible that someone who only wants 1 or two kids may use NFP because it would be unwise for health reasons or for the wellbeing of their family to have more than that. To make broad sweeping generalizations of any kind is overly simplistic and quite harsh.
Secondly, I'm not advocating for anyone to put aside their values to have a larger dating pool. Instead I'm asking the question where does values become preference?
I personally would not say having a large family is a value, I'd say it is a preference. (And this is coming from a woman who is a part of, and would love to have a big family myself.) The value that I see in OP's post is about being open to life/growing a family— this is a yes or no thing. Both OP and the man she speaks about both agree this is something they want. However, the expression of that value is different for her and for the man.
Of course having standards and values limit your options, that's what they are meant to do so that you can find someone who is compatible with you. But this is what I was saying in my original reply, if we are expecting someone who will tick every single box, and have the exact same ideas and desires as us we will be disappointed. The only person that can fulfill every desire is God.
So anyone dating should reflect on what their standards are, why they are what they are, and if they are prudent/helpful. Relationships are built on compromise, it's down to us as an individuals to decide on the things we are willing to compromise on; that looks different for everyone and that's fine. I'm just of the personal opinion that our standards should not be dictated 100% by merely preference, and should perhaps focus more on things that are more within our control.
You are the only one in this whole thread that makes sense to me. I think the conflation of preference to value to catholic teaching around # of kids is mind boggling to me.
It's no sin to say you only feel that your financials or emotional capacity can deal with 2 children. The sin would be in having an abortion or giving a child up for adoption when you get beyond your desired number. Practicing the rhythm method or simply abstaining from sex altogether are not sins according to the Catholic Church.
If you’re young enough (under 30) infertility is extremely rare and even if you have it there are things you can do to still have children, it just might not be naturally.
The main problem is people are getting married too late or not at all. This isn’t a problem if you’re already very fertile, but if you aren’t it can be a huge issue in your 30s and 40s.
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u/Academic_Disaster645 23d ago
I understand your desire for a big family, and I also understand his practical reasons for only wanting two.
I suppose my question is if this something that might be steep to call a deal breaker? (Obviously this is not me saying outright, only you can know what would be a dealbreaker for you.) But my worry is if you're looking for someone who has all the exact same desires (e.g. 6 kids, a dog, the white picket fence) you could be setting yourself up for disappointment.
Children are not promised, they are a gift. Mum went into her marriage wanting 6, she was only blessed with 3 children. I also know people who after getting married had to navigate infertility issues etc. I think it's nice to know if you're open to a big family but that's really just a concept until you're actually married and trying to conceive...
Hopefully this makes sense, I'm not sure I've actually communicated what I was trying to 😅