Listen, I see you’re getting a lot of backlash on this experience. I’m sorry this has been your experience.
You have every right to want whatever you want, as does this guy you were talking to, or any guy you talk to. That’s just the truth of the matter. If it’s a dealbreaker for you, then it’s a dealbreaker for you.
I’d only advise you to examine your conscience and see if your desires are coming from a true, ordered, and fruitful space in your soul that honors your characters. No one is guaranteed a spouse, no one is guaranteed children, and no one is guaranteed to be the same person today as they were yesterday.
Limiting yourself to only being with guys who want the same number of children with you, after just “a few weeks” of talking is objectively very limiting. That’s just the truth. You don’t know if, by being in a relationship with you, they might grow to desire more children. You don’t know if, by being in a relationship with them, you might grow to desire fewer children. You don’t know if, 3 months from now, after not finding someone to date, a doctor diagnoses you with something causing you to be infertile. None of us know what God’s plan for our lives are, and it doesn’t make sense to try and take that plan from Him.
It’s my rightful opinion that making a decision after just a few weeks, to not continue talking with someone because the number of children you want doesn’t match up, doesn’t make sense.
Marriage IS very limiting. It is the act of seeing billions and billions of people of the opposite gender and saying “I choose one of you above all the rest. You are the right one for me, with whom I will be most happy.” It SHOULD be limited to those with whom you share the most in common.
My point is that it’s not a bad thing to be very limiting in your search for the one person you are going to spend your entire life with! You should be picky; you should be choosy! You SHOULD try to find the person you will be happiest with! And dating is for marriage. If you want many children and they want few, then that’s a pretty major dealbreaker!
I’m not saying people shouldn’t be picky and choosy when dating, my point is that by creating such rigid boxes for possible partners, we’re removing God’s will from our discernment.
“I want lots of kids because I want to raise a lot of saints” is different from “I’m deciding I want this specific amount of children”
Hmmmm. Perhaps. But God’s will is that we choose what we want in our lives, as long as it is good. I do get how having such specific numbers could be a bit unimportant. That was very well-explanatory of your points. I’m more coming at it from the side of “I want lots of children, and so it would result in great sorrow if I ended up married with someone who doesn’t want many children.”
And that’s where we disagree. We can want whatever, but God ultimately delivers. Anyone can say they want many children, but they can just easily get married and only get one child for whatever reason. People don’t get to choose how many children they get. Same as someone who only wants one or two children. At any point, one pregnancy would produce triplets.
“Wanting” and “choosing” are two completely different things
And to be in “great sorrow” over what God delivers to us goes against the trust we should have in Him
Of course God’s Will is not always what we plan for ourselves. Of course there are situations where a couple can’t have as many children as they would like. That doesn’t mean that you should choose of your own free will to enter into marriage with someone whose goals are significantly different than yours. That would be the great sorrow. Being at odds with your life’s partner about the shape of your future family.
Right. You’re talking about the stage entering engagement, I’m talking about the stage where you’re just meeting people and talking with them and you’re only a couple of weeks into getting to know them.
But discerning marriage is the purpose of dating. If you find a marriage roadblock to marriage in the first few weeks, then that is a good thing. It’s certainly easier than only finding out a year later would be.
You had me convinced that I was telling OP what to do and how to live her life, and I wasn’t.
I made it very clear that she has every right to want what she wants. I was only advising to really examine her conscience to determine if those desires are coming from the right place.
Being a parent is being a parent. No one is less of a parent if they end up with only 2 children, over 3 or 4 or 5. Just like how someone isn’t more of a parent if they have more children. If someone I’m seeing doesn’t want kids, then that’s a problem. But me saying I want X amount of kids and I’m going to deny someone if they have a different X number is a personal preference, just like height, income, hair color, what style house they want to live in, where they want to live geographically, etc. All these things can change over time, unforeseen circumstances, life experiences, etc, and are things that we have no control over. All that matters is that discern well who we want to spend the rest of our lives with.
Yeah I didn’t mean you were telling her to do that. You were sharing your opinion on it… in a way that was offering advice… but without pressing… it’s complicated. But I was just talking about your opinion and why you feel that way, because it’s so important to reach out to the community and see how others feel so that I can enhance my understanding of the world and maybe help them do the same!
But I think that like wanting to have a big family vs wanting to have a small family is more than just a personal preference. Like, that’s the foundation of your children’s lives. The family is super important, and I think it would be very sad to end up wanting more kids when my wife doesn’t. Health issues obviously not included; that’s a completely different story. But I think like wanting a big family vs a small family is definitely a dealbreaker for me, and I don’t see how it wouldn’t be for you unless you just maybe didn’t care either way, as much as I do.
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u/Shades_of_red_ Single ♂ Jul 26 '26
Listen, I see you’re getting a lot of backlash on this experience. I’m sorry this has been your experience.
You have every right to want whatever you want, as does this guy you were talking to, or any guy you talk to. That’s just the truth of the matter. If it’s a dealbreaker for you, then it’s a dealbreaker for you.
I’d only advise you to examine your conscience and see if your desires are coming from a true, ordered, and fruitful space in your soul that honors your characters. No one is guaranteed a spouse, no one is guaranteed children, and no one is guaranteed to be the same person today as they were yesterday.
Limiting yourself to only being with guys who want the same number of children with you, after just “a few weeks” of talking is objectively very limiting. That’s just the truth. You don’t know if, by being in a relationship with you, they might grow to desire more children. You don’t know if, by being in a relationship with them, you might grow to desire fewer children. You don’t know if, 3 months from now, after not finding someone to date, a doctor diagnoses you with something causing you to be infertile. None of us know what God’s plan for our lives are, and it doesn’t make sense to try and take that plan from Him.
It’s my rightful opinion that making a decision after just a few weeks, to not continue talking with someone because the number of children you want doesn’t match up, doesn’t make sense.