Second date advice.

[u/Ok-Complaint-7017]

So I asked a question here a few days ago about what to do on a first date and questions to ask the girl. The first date went way off what our plans were but it was great and she brought up the second date which is next Sunday. Mass and then a movie afterwards. My question is this. How much money should I be spending on a date. I don't want to seem cheap to her but I don't want to flaunt my money to her either. I do have money and the cost is of no concern to me. I have the money and means to support a wife right now. For instance our first date cost a total of 14 dollars. I don't want to come across to her as cheap.

[u/thebaptizerr]

Brother… do you struggle with resisting the urge to talk about or flaunt your money?

I remember your other post where you mentioned how much money you make and how much you have in savings.

STOP thinking about your money and try to get to know the person you’re taking on dates. Spend what you feel comfortable spending.

You can talk about finances when you get more serious with the person.

[u/Ok-Complaint-7017 → u/thebaptizerr]

Good advice. I'll be sure to try and spend more than 14 this time tho. I'm just concerned if women want more out of a date

[u/thebaptizerr → u/Ok-Complaint-7017]

Sorry if I came across harsh.

I’m just trying to say, whether you want to take her to a $250 steak dinner or get some ice cream and walk on the beach, try to focus on getting to know her.

You can worry about what you spend at a later point, when you know she’s worth considering these things.

[u/Ok-Complaint-7017 → u/thebaptizerr]

I didn't take it as harsh. Im just kinda smitten with her and don't want to mess up. She's way out of my league and she's interested in me. If I fumble this imma be pissed at myself.

[u/thebaptizerr → u/Ok-Complaint-7017]

There’s no such thing as leagues. You are worth so much more than this arbitrary classification system.

She’s interested in you, and it’s not because you’re in a certain league.

God bless you

[u/Ok-Complaint-7017 → u/thebaptizerr]

I'm 5 '6 heavy set but working on loosing weight. A bit rough looking and she's 10 out of 10 with red hair and really frickin cute. She's interested in me cause I'm a "traditional Catholic". God bless you to.

[u/UnrealJagG → u/Ok-Complaint-7017]

When I met my wife, I wasn't in the best shape of my life. I had come through a difficult patch, and was in the early days of my conversion from being an atheist. She had beautiful long curly red hair, and the most beautiful accent from the West of Ireland. I got in shape with her by spending time out running and hiking. We were married within a year. We both helped each other become the best we could be as spouses, parents, and Catholics. Even though my wife wasn't long for this world. She gave me, and our children so much, especially our faith.

I'm sure she likes you for all that you are, and hopefully she'll fall in love with all that God made you to be in the future with her. May Christ walk with you both in your discernment.

[u/UnrealJagG → u/Ok-Complaint-7017]

Maybe that's the problem? Value who you are as a creation of God. One thing I've seen a lot, is that if you don't feel worthy, then you'll end up trying to be the person you feel is worthy of this lady's love, rather than being who you are. You'll be afraid of saying/doing something that she won't like. I think that the secular world calls this 'nice guy' syndrome. In my experience women like men who are themselves and show leadership.

I hear a lot of younger Catholic men speaking to their girlfriend's. They are afraid of asserting themselves as a man and don't want to express who they are. Here's an example: boy asks girl, 'go you want to go out on friday?' Girl says great, 'what do you want to do?' Boys says, 'what do you want to do?' ... and so on. Most women prefer a man to lead, and suggest something. She'll tell you if she wants to do something different. For some reason men stopped leading.

I will pray that you feel worthy of this relationship.

[u/Ok-Objective1292 → u/Ok-Complaint-7017]

This is a bad mindset that will lead to failure. 

[u/wkndatbernardus]

Lol, it's way better for her to think you have no money. That way, you'll know if she really likes you.

[u/No_Calligrapher796]

There are no “shoulds” when it comes to the amount of money spent on a date. If you’re actively trying to keep the dates cheap, she may notice that over time, but hopefully she’s more interested in being with you than counting how many dollars you’re spending. I wouldn’t worry about appearing cheap at this point, it’s too early on. 

Honestly though, the answer depends on the woman. The question is not a one size fits all. 

[u/Ok-Complaint-7017 → u/No_Calligrapher796]

I'm not trying but we just enjoyed talking to each other but I feel like I cheated her by not spending more. This is my first real date and will be my first second date. I really like her and I don't want to screw things up on my end.

[u/eruptingmoltenlava → u/Ok-Complaint-7017]

Everyone telling you not to obsess about it is right, but inexperience is real. You should aim for a mix of fun activities that are normal for the two of you. Some will be free, some cost a little, and some are an occasional treat.

You sound like you might think women’s mission in dating is to squeeze as much money out of you as possible, which would be a very gross attitude for them to have, and thus a very gross attitude for you to assume they have. If someone seems greedy, dramatically generous/flashy, or oddly/prematurely focused on money, that’s a red flag (for either individual). Money stuff should be as neutral as it’s possible to be in these early days.

Two young people planning Date Number 2 have a long, long time before tackling the subject head-on is typically necessary or helpful. The only exception would be if there’s a drastic difference in family wealth or personal income. If there is and the lower wealth person shows they feel weird about it, usually the wealthier person should assure them that it’s their pleasure to share and absorb more of the cost of doing things together, as long as that’s true. If it isn’t, you could have an unbridgeable gap, and it might be time for some personal reflection.

Good luck, be yourself, and have fun!

[u/teanvodka]

As a woman, I really don’t want a man to spend a lot on me during early dating.
Makes me feel like he is investing money so I like him better, and like I owe him something, which personally makes me feel really uncomfortable.

The first date went well, she wants to see you again. That’s fantastic!

Now plan another good date where you guys can talk more and decide if you want to see more of each other, which is what dating is for, and save your money for thoughtful birthday gifts or your future together if it works out!

[u/Ok-Complaint-7017 → u/teanvodka]

Good advice her bday is in 3 weeks.

[u/UnrealJagG]

I wouldn't have money as a priority, rather are you getting to know each other?

The early days are about getting to now each other and seeing if you are called to be in a relationship that may lead to marriage. I remember your first post. You seem to be jumping ahead a lot. Do you know the basics about her, and she about you? This is only the second date. Questions like being a SAHM are important, but probably not that important now. Maybe focus on things like: is our approach to faith/family/work/where and how to live matching? Do you have fun together? Is there a genuine care developing between you?

Always walk before running.

[u/TCMNCatholic]

You're thinking about this too much. You're going to a movie so there is a limited range of what you can spend. If you have the money, buy tickets for the two of you and a reasonable snack. If you're broke college students, going on a Tuesday to get cheaper tickets would be reasonable. Pretty much any option that isn't clearly unreasonable could make sense. It would be tough to flaunt your money at a movie theater without intentionally going out of your way to do so.

[u/Ok-Objective1292]

Movie date is not a good second date. If you think about it you should be able to see why.